MoreAmore Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Have you ever had to end a relationship when you still have feelings for a person? My boyfriend is an amazing guy in so many respects. I love him. However, I have constant nagging doubts about some things like the frequency of his alcohol and marijuana consumption, his relationship history (though he has done much to assuage my doubts there past any expectation and it has improved), etc... There's even some characteristics I love him for and hope he never changed, yet worry for our long term because of them. (E.g. His passion and dedication to his principles above all practical concerns). There's a few others. I've told him about the vices, and he asked what I want to see from him, and I responded that I am not going to ask him to change anything when he is a grown adult capable of making his own choices, but to be honest about me always. One thing I cannot abide is dishonesty or hiding his choices to look better. I'm very not interested in being a warden. I saw some signs earlier but frankly did not expect it very much to develop to this point and was in the headspace of seeking a more temporary distraction when we first met. Instead, I fell for him because he is just a singular type of man. He's been incredibly kind, and good, and tolerant with me to a degree I can hardly fathom. I have more than my fair share of problems he has put up with because he loves me. I honestly have expected him to end it and spare me the guilt with the heartache. Also, I'm worried basing his choices on me would result in him making bad choices for his future happiness. I want, ultimately, happiness and peace for him more than anything. I want him go make a choice regardless of me and if it works out then we can make a go of it, but if not, part as friends when the time limit is up. (The decision impacts things down the line, not immediately.). I'm not sure he can, though, as when I try to express that he reiterated how important I am to him. I am positive a guy like him would find another woman who loves him, as many have in the past, and another woman he could fall in love with, as he seems very fluid in his wants/desires in a partner.) My heart still does not want to end things. My brain says it's better for both of us. I have not come to a satisfactory conclusion and the dissonance is torture. I selfishly do not want to give up any time we might have together, as being with him makes me happy even when I'm stressed and sad. The discordance in my brain has begun to intrude even at those times, however. I pride myself as a logical person, and this relationship in many ways has me feeling the farthest thing from reasonable. TL;DR: have you experienced practicality telling you a future is impossible or I'll advised at the same time your emotions are very much cleaved to a person? What direction did you go? Do you have regrets or satisfaction stemming from that choice, and why?
Gloria25 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Feelings don't have IQ's.... So yes, you can have feelings for someone, but that doesn't necessarily mean its a wise thing to actually pursue something with them... Mind over matter...
preraph Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 How old is this guy? If he's in his twenties and especially if he's still in school or in some field of work where there's drinking a lot, then that's not too unusual. If he's over 30 and he still has to get high and drink nearly every day, yes, it's excessive and you shouldn't stay. If he doesn't like to get through the day without pot or alcohol at least semi-regularly, he's got a problem that isn't going to go away until he wants it to go away and puts himself though a program. Habitual addicts are often anesthetizing pain from their childhoods. They do it to keep from facing the pain. If you know his background, that might give you a clue. If he grew up happy, no big issues, he can still be an addict through inheriting it genetically, though. Follow your best instincts on this.
salparadise Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 My heart still does not want to end things. My brain says it's better for both of us. I have not come to a satisfactory conclusion and the dissonance is torture. I'm sure there's a unicorn with your name on it just around the corner. So this guy isn't perfect, eh? Just toss him back. You'll get another bite before too long... and if the next one isn't perfect then toss him back too. Just keep doing that––the clock of life doesn't really start ticking until find perfection. And you know that's what you want and deserve... just go on facebook and read some of those graphic blurbs if you have any doubts.
salparadise Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 If he's over 30 and he still has to get high and drink nearly every day, yes, it's excessive and you shouldn't stay. Preraph - I think you missed your calling.
Author MoreAmore Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 He is in his late 30's. His background has some imperfections as does everyone, but was definitely not abusive. (Mine was, and my parents were both hard drug addicts) and his parents commented on the fact I declined wine or liquor during the two meals I had with them when everyone else did. (I do drink, just only on occasion.). As to finding another, I am not particularly concerned about being alone -I am fine and happy alone even forever... or about finding someone. I am 30 and have been married once, proposed to several more times, and told I am loved and that they would like to marry more another couple. Point/advice taken, though. We do all have problems. There are more issues here than I've ran across before in my dating life. I am not sure he would be happy long term, either, and that matters. (Being with me would necessitate not living near his child. I can't help but think his child needs him more than I as an adult.). Any personal experiences and how it turned out?
Gloria25 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I'm sure there's a unicorn with your name on it just around the corner. So this guy isn't perfect, eh? Just toss him back. You'll get another bite before too long... and if the next one isn't perfect then toss him back too. Just keep doing that––the clock of life doesn't really start ticking until find perfection. And you know that's what you want and deserve... just go on facebook and read some of those graphic blurbs if you have any doubts. This is more than a guy simply not being "perfect".... He's a pothead/drunk with no ambitions. More problems than minor imperfections if you ask me. We all had/have trauma, childhood issues, etc. In our lives, but God gives us choices. Some women have been raped and they move on to be rape counselors and help other women. They even have kids and a husband. Some stew in anger, some even go and hurt other people. They marry and take out all their anger on their husband and deny him sex and/or become abusive. So, see my point - you can "chose" to take one path or another to deal with your "issues". This guy apparently is taking the easier path of getting drunk/drugged up instead of getting some therapy, improving himself and giving back to the world/community. Look, if you wanna be a caretaker - there are volunteer opportunities. You can even be an AA sponsor for someone who really needs help/motivation in improving their lives. RLs with guys/gals aren't for us to have a puppy with wounded ear to take care of.
gaius Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I remember when I used to go and see my ex, I'd look out the plane window and remind myself to enjoy every minute because it wasn't going to last forever. And it didn't. But I did enjoy every moment, and not a day goes by where I'm sorry I spent that part of my life with her. Knowing full well it wasn't going to last. At some point down the line I'm sure the part of you that knows it's wrong will overwhelm whatever love you have for him, and the choice will become a lot easier for you. But until then you should just enjoy the love you have. That's what life is all about. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I loved one of my EXs with all my heart but I realized that he would never marry me. I had to do what was best for me so despite loving him I broke up with him. It was hard but it was the smarted decision for me. At this stage of your life you have to make some decisions with your head not your heart. Even though you love this guy his choices do don't make him a smart long term partner for you. 3
toscaroscura Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Have you ever had to end a relationship when you still have feelings for a person? My boyfriend is an amazing guy in so many respects. I love him. However, I have constant nagging doubts about some things like the frequency of his alcohol and marijuana consumption, his relationship history (though he has done much to assuage my doubts there past any expectation and it has improved), etc... There's even some characteristics I love him for and hope he never changed, yet worry for our long term because of them. (E.g. His passion and dedication to his principles above all practical concerns). There's a few others. I've told him about the vices, and he asked what I want to see from him, and I responded that I am not going to ask him to change anything when he is a grown adult capable of making his own choices, but to be honest about me always. One thing I cannot abide is dishonesty or hiding his choices to look better. I'm very not interested in being a warden. I saw some signs earlier but frankly did not expect it very much to develop to this point and was in the headspace of seeking a more temporary distraction when we first met. Instead, I fell for him because he is just a singular type of man. He's been incredibly kind, and good, and tolerant with me to a degree I can hardly fathom. I have more than my fair share of problems he has put up with because he loves me. I honestly have expected him to end it and spare me the guilt with the heartache. Also, I'm worried basing his choices on me would result in him making bad choices for his future happiness. I want, ultimately, happiness and peace for him more than anything. I want him go make a choice regardless of me and if it works out then we can make a go of it, but if not, part as friends when the time limit is up. (The decision impacts things down the line, not immediately.). I'm not sure he can, though, as when I try to express that he reiterated how important I am to him. I am positive a guy like him would find another woman who loves him, as many have in the past, and another woman he could fall in love with, as he seems very fluid in his wants/desires in a partner.) My heart still does not want to end things. My brain says it's better for both of us. I have not come to a satisfactory conclusion and the dissonance is torture. I selfishly do not want to give up any time we might have together, as being with him makes me happy even when I'm stressed and sad. The discordance in my brain has begun to intrude even at those times, however. I pride myself as a logical person, and this relationship in many ways has me feeling the farthest thing from reasonable. TL;DR: have you experienced practicality telling you a future is impossible or I'll advised at the same time your emotions are very much cleaved to a person? What direction did you go? Do you have regrets or satisfaction stemming from that choice, and why? There's a lot of sadness and low self-esteem in your OP. You seem to feel like he's the only man who will ever "put up" with you, therefore you must learn to be happy with things that obviously really bother you (like the substance use). It's never good when you feel like you are "lower" than your partner and that you aren't good enough. I do believe you love him, but I also wonder if you cling to him out of comfort and fear. I know that fear; I left my ex husband (despite loving him too, but that wasn't enough), and my biggest fear was that no one could love me. And I am still single, and sometimes it gets me down. But! I am much happier without him and I don't regret my decision. I still love him and wish him the best. We just weren't right for each other.
Author MoreAmore Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 ex husband (despite loving him too, but that wasn't enough), and my biggest fear was that no one could love me. And I am still single, and sometimes it gets me down. But! I am much happier without him and I don't regret my decision. I still love him and wish him the best. We just weren't right for each other. I can't say I have a great self esteem, but I'm not worried about someone loving me. Finding partners has never been difficult. I'm merely pointing out that I am not perfect, either, and I recognize that. I would guess I've been worse within this relationship than prior ones, having engaged in jealousy etc. I'd also like to correct that he has no ambitions. He's very highly educated and vainly employed, though unhappy with his current field. He is highly intelligent. I'm thinking any concerns I have need to be put on hold though, he expressed some very disconcerting thoughts earlier.
sandylee1 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I ended a relationship when I still had feelings for someone. He was sweet , charming and everything else........but we were at different stages of our lives. I had finished college and had been working for at least 5 years . He had 2 more years to finish college. I was looking for more than just a boyfriend at this stage and although he said he loved me and wanted us to get married after he finished studying, I reckoned by the time he was on his feet with a job, it would be another 4 years minimum. I just wasn't prepared to wait that long. We broke up and got back together , but I felt it wasn't fair on him because he really loved me and I was then filling the time with him till I met another guy. He was happy to keep me just for the physical side, but I didn't want to give him false hope. We kept in touch until I met my new BF (now husband ), I told him I was with someone and we needed to stop communicating. That was over 18/19 years ago and he saw a mutual friend a couple of years ago and was asking after me. Gosh.....that takes me back in time. 1
writergal Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 He is in his late 30's. His background has some imperfections as does everyone, but was definitely not abusive. (Mine was, and my parents were both hard drug addicts) and his parents commented on the fact I declined wine or liquor during the two meals I had with them when everyone else did. (I do drink, just only on occasion.). As to finding another, I am not particularly concerned about being alone -I am fine and happy alone even forever... or about finding someone. I am 30 and have been married once, proposed to several more times, and told I am loved and that they would like to marry more another couple. Point/advice taken, though. We do all have problems. There are more issues here than I've ran across before in my dating life. I am not sure he would be happy long term, either, and that matters. (Being with me would necessitate not living near his child. I can't help but think his child needs him more than I as an adult.). Any personal experiences and how it turned out? Your story reminds me of a friend of mine who had a long distant relationship with her beau for 3 years. Both single parents, he wanted her to move to his country, yet he continually stood her up when he promised to come visit her, claiming he didn't want to leave his children even to visit her and her children. She broke up with him yet they remain friends, because she couldn't handle his non-committal to moving to her country (which he had claimed he would do since his job in his country was in the process of being dissolved). Both of them have children under the ages of 13 so a move to another country is a huge endeavor. Have you discussed his moving to your country with his child if his line of work could transfer to your country?
Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 He sounds somewhat like me but I'm 10 years younger. He needs to either change for you or accept that you're not happy and will leave. If you want to give him that chance, good on you, it's your choice. Marijuana and alcohol have synergy, the give you emotion and energy. Exercise is a good substitute, but it doesn't replace the emotional support you need to really change your life patterns. In my battles, this is the most persuasive person I have read on addiction because it's all about harm reduction: The Stanton Peele Addiction Website It might persuade even someone as principled as him to take reasonable control in his life. I should probably take my own advice *facepalm*
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