ToThinkIs Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 For the last month I've dated the most amazing, wonderful, kind man. Seriously after nothing but years of sh*t and people who don't appreciate me and affairs and just crap situations, I ran into this guy a month ago and he has been nothing short of a prince charming-- kind, intelligent, attentive, generous beyond belief. He's my age, he's educated like me, he's successful like me-- we are equals in that regard and it makes me happy because men are often intimidated by that aspect of me. On top of it I am genuinely really physically attracted to him, love sex with him, love talking to him, holding hands, going places. He's a bit quiet and not so open with all his feelings verbally but when I am with him his eyes show everything he is feeling, so I feel this is an area I can be patient with. After all it's only a month. I know he likes me a lot-- I catch him staring at me with this look in his eyes. He'll randomly hold my face and just say "you are so beautiful." The dilemma-- I came to the country I am currently in on a temporary basis. I've been here a while, but in about a year from now my current contract will end and I must return to my home country. There is no wiggle room in this area-- I have to go home for at least a few years. I love where I am right now, and even if I could stay here (which I can't, so it's not relevant to discuss "maybe you can figure out how to stay" options), my family is all back home and Im not sure I could stay away from them forever. Regardless of the future, I know that in one year from now I have to return home for a few years. He has asked me about my plans next year, as I mentioned this is a ending-soon contract, and I've avoided answering what I truly know-- that I have to leave. I haven't outright lied, but have deftly avoided being totally honest, which makes me feel bad. I sort of say things like "well, i don't know, it's a year away, I'd love to stay here but who knows I can't think about it yet". I think I inadvertently give the impression that it's possible I might stay here, and it's really not possible right now. This is a misleading statement on my part because I know 100% I have to leave (even though it is honest that I would love to stay if I could....but I can't). I'm sure that knowing I am a foreigner, in the back of his mind it occurs to him that maybe I will leave at some point, but maybe he wants to believe I would maybe stay. I try to avoid discussing this altogether but once in a while he will bring up work-related conversations and I'm left again awkwardly avoiding/misleading from what I know to be the truth about my imminent departure next year. I don't know what to do. It's only been a month of dating and so I feel having such a heavy conversation about our future together is premature, and yet, it hangs over my head constantly because I feel like I'm misleading him at times. He is so absolutely amazing I don't know where to begin. He has a fantastic job here, a house. His family is much smaller than mine is, so he has some here, but not nearly as much as I do back home. His company is a fairly international one--- it is possible, though not guaranteed, that he could try to transfer to my home country, but it's definitely not a clear cut issue because in the current office where he is he is in a very high ranking position and would likely have to adjust that should he move internationally even if he stayed in the same company. He's often mentioned a desire to just try something new, that he's bored with his job, but at the same time he's very settled and this is his....home. He speaks perfect English, but of course one always feels more comfortable in their mother tongue. I really just desperately need insight, advice, help-- hopefully from someone who had to tell someone the same thing. I think it's too early after one month, but when should I tell him that basically I have to leave in a year? After two months of dating? three? I should mention that I will be arriving in my home country sometime at the end of this calendar year to do some preliminary job searching-- shoudl I tell him I might be going on interviews a couple of months before I go and bring it up somehow that way? I honestly don't know what to do, never been in this kind of position before. I'm falling for him hard and while he is very quiet, I sense that he is feeling the same way about me or he wouldnt do all these amazing, sweet things for me that he has been doing. I don't want to ruin this. I don't want to make him run by discussing my situation too soon, but I also don't want to wait too long and make him feel like I lied or mislead him. It needs to be a delicate balance , I think, in which it seems that perhaps while I wanted to stay here (which I really do in my heart) that I realised that the best thing for my career at this time is to go back home for a few years (which it is). Im not sure if this would be the best explanation, but I have no idea when is the ideal time to even bring it up. Obviously in my perfect world he realises he's in love with me and finds a way to come with me-- it's happened plenty to lots of people around me to be fair. HELP! thank you in advance (please no mean responses about "you're horrible to lie to him now"....be constructive, don't insult, it doesn't help)
mystikmind2005 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 When it comes to relationships, big news like saying 'i love you' or 'I'm moving overseas' can have a big impact. I use the analogy that a new relationship is like a new borne foal... you have to wait for the foal to grow up before you can put a saddle on it (saying i love you etc) otherwise it cannot take the weight and will collapse on the ground. However, if you feel the strong connection like you describe, and things are getting serious, well, then i think it is hard to progress from this point on without telling him? Try to enjoy the time you have left with honesty
umirano Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I've been with two gfs who have been weak like you. Constant fantqsies and vague information about the midterm future. It doesn't help and frankly it looks like you're not interested in finding a real way to make it work if you lie (by omission) about the seriousness of the situation. You're being selfish and you know it. Don't string him along. Sit him down and give him the best and most accurate information you can on your work and immigration situation. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. Temporary LDR, relocation, etc are viable options. But if they aren't he has a right to pursue other, more promising relationships. Woman up and treat this person who you claim to respect and cherish the same way you'd want to be treated. 2
Author ToThinkIs Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I've been with two gfs who have been weak like you. Constant fantqsies and vague information about the midterm future. It doesn't help and frankly it looks like you're not interested in finding a real way to make it work if you lie (by omission) about the seriousness of the situation. You're being selfish and you know it. Don't string him along. Sit him down and give him the best and most accurate information you can on your work and immigration situation. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. Temporary LDR, relocation, etc are viable options. But if they aren't he has a right to pursue other, more promising relationships. Woman up and treat this person who you claim to respect and cherish the same way you'd want to be treated. After "weak like you" I basically lost respect or desire to read your advice. There are ways to offer opinion without insults and making it personal. I ain't your ex gf's, my friend. And after one month it's a heavy conversation to have and I'm asking for advice on how and when to bring it up, not insults. I think my hesitation to bring it up after four weeks is both logical and usurprising. N'est pas? If I brought up the idea of moving in together after four weeks of dating most people would say to slow down because that's a heavy idea so soon, and you seriously have the gall to act like my hesitation to ask him if he'd consider moving halfway around the world for me after a month is supposed to be somehow easier? Please. I don't like this omission but I'm not sure how to bring it up. If you have a good idea I'm all ears. Otherwise....well.
Els Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You just have to tell him, as soon as possible, about your contract situation. Talking about looking for jobs in your home country is a good way to start. If he is the man you think he is and the R is worth as much to him as it is to you, he will find a way to work around it with you (perhaps by saying that he will cross the bridge when it comes, or saying that he might be open to a LDR, etc). I mean, I don't see how not telling him changes anything for the better - you eventually STILL have to leave and then it would definitely be over if you didn't talk to him about it previously.
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) >>He has asked me about my plans next year, as I mentioned this is a ending-soon contract, and I've avoided answering what I truly know-- that I have to leave. ------ That was the time to be honest and simply say..."my contract is ending in a year, after which I will have to return to my country." I don't understand the huge deal in saying that quite frankly. Why are you so afraid to tell him? What do you think he will do...fall to pieces? Okay that was sarcastic (sorry), but really, are you afraid he will end your relationship once he finds out? If your relationship is as special as you what you have described to us in your original post... he is not going to end things....he will enjoy the time you have together (it's an entire year!)...and if your relationship continues to grow and you fall in love...who knows he may ask you to marry him...so you get to stay. A LOT can happen in a year, right? It's not like you are leaving in two months. Please tell him asap. If it were me I would simply say "you know the other day when you asked me what my plans were for next year, and I told you about my contract? Well I neglected to tell you that after my contract ends, I will have to return to my country, probably permanently.... I am sorry I neglected to tell you at the time." And then wait for his response. Bam done. You will feel better... I promise....good luck. Edited June 23, 2015 by katiegrl 1
rester Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I agree that the right thing to do is tell him immediately. After dating for one month and knowing he is asking about it, I think it's wrong to leave out that you know you'll be leaving in a year. It's dishonest and the longer it's drawn out, the more chance he has of losing respect for you when he does find out. I would apologize to him and let him know that you are sorry you didn't tell him sooner, but that you were scared (or whatever the honest reason was) and that you didn't tell the whole truth to him but that you know you will have to go back home after a year and if you are to continue things, that it will have to be with the understanding that either things will end in a year, or you will be long distance, or maybe he could move with you. It's only fair that he has the same information that you do, especially because it sounds like he's already thinking inquiring about it.
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I agree that the right thing to do is tell him immediately. After dating for one month and knowing he is asking about it, I think it's wrong to leave out that you know you'll be leaving in a year. It's dishonest and the longer it's drawn out, the more chance he has of losing respect for you when he does find out. I would apologize to him and let him know that you are sorry you didn't tell him sooner, but that you were scared (or whatever the honest reason was) and that you didn't tell the whole truth to him but that you know you will have to go back home after a year and if you are to continue things, that it will have to be with the understanding that either things will end in a year, or you will be long distance, or maybe he could move with you.... It's only fair that he has the same information that you do, especially because it sounds like he's already thinking inquiring about it. OR ask you to marry him...so you get to stay!! :) A year is a LONG time...anything can happen. Take it one day at a time.....and enjoy the time you have together!
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Lying by omission is still lying. Do you want your SO lying to you? Healthy relationships are built on honesty, integrity & trust.
Author ToThinkIs Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Thanks for the input so far-- I should probably stress that I can't stay here after a year for career reasons. Not because of immigration reasons. I can't go into more detail than this to try to keep it a bit anonymous but trust me on this, and suffice to say even if we got married he'd have to come with me for at least a few years. That's why I'm scared-- because as soon as I tell him the full explanation our future together basically rests on whether he's willing to uproot his whole life for me for a few years/permanently, and this seems like a heavy decision to make a month into dating, no matter how much you like each other . You have no idea how horrid I feel-- it's hanging over my head every day and I can never seem to find a good moment to bring it up. I tell myself I'll wait until August-- we'll be together three months,!and it'll be a couple months before I start looking into new jobs for next year. Seems like an ok point to tell him as we'll be more familiar with each other and maybe it's enough time to let him think about it. :-/
Vercetti Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Before you had sex with him. How connected can you be with someone, that has no idea about to live your life in a completely different country. Is it fair to get someone connected to you, when your plan is to leave. Is it right to know these things from the start yet lie by omission the reality of the near future. Is it right to get him more connected for a few months by keeping the lie going. Seems extremely fearful and selfish at best. I've had to risk relationships ending due to being forthright. It's fair for the other person to know what they are dealing with. If the other person really wants to be with you, it would be wise to give advance notice so he has the freedom to make preparations. Telling him day before leave isn't gonna work.
Gary S Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You just have to have a conversation with him, that's all you can do. As an aside, one of the first things you should do is ask a person where they are from, how long have they been here, and what brings them here to establish residency. This woman's going to break the guy's heart. 1
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Tell him ASAP. Someone did this to me. He was scheduled to leave the country and never told me. He pursued a relationship with me, I met his children, he met my family, I felt in love and he left. It was cruel and It felt like a huge betrayal.
sweetjasmine Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 That's why I'm scared-- because as soon as I tell him the full explanation our future together basically rests on whether he's willing to uproot his whole life for me for a few years/permanently, and this seems like a heavy decision to make a month into dating, no matter how much you like each other . There's no need for him to make the decision now. You're deciding yourself when he needs to make that choice and you're deciding that he needs to know NOW whether he'd move. He has time to make up his mind, and it's up to him to figure out when he needs to make that decision. He may decide that he wants to continue with you and then see how he feels a few months from now. Of course he can't even start to think about it as long as you continue to withhold crucial information. Just tell him. It's not fair to keep it from him. 2
rester Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Thanks for the input so far-- I should probably stress that I can't stay here after a year for career reasons. Not because of immigration reasons. I can't go into more detail than this to try to keep it a bit anonymous but trust me on this, and suffice to say even if we got married he'd have to come with me for at least a few years. That's why I'm scared-- because as soon as I tell him the full explanation our future together basically rests on whether he's willing to uproot his whole life for me for a few years/permanently, and this seems like a heavy decision to make a month into dating, no matter how much you like each other . You have no idea how horrid I feel-- it's hanging over my head every day and I can never seem to find a good moment to bring it up. I tell myself I'll wait until August-- we'll be together three months,!and it'll be a couple months before I start looking into new jobs for next year. Seems like an ok point to tell him as we'll be more familiar with each other and maybe it's enough time to let him think about it. :-/ If I were in this guy's shoes and you waited until August to tell me, I'd be pretty pissed off and would be much more likely to end things then than if I was given the information right up front. I'd feel that I couldn't trust you to be truthful anymore. That's a long time to hold back this information. Like sweetjasmine said, he doesn't need to make up his mind about moving right now. All he needs to decide is if he would like to continue dating you, knowing that it may be a temporary situation unless you and him both decide for him to move with you. You will both be much better off by getting this out in the open ASAP. 1
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