sammason92 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Hi, An update on a earlier post. A close relative of mine died recently, I spoke to my ex who I broke up with in November. Last time I spoke to her was in January by email. I told her about the death and she was nice enough. The conversation changed, and she confirmed that she was in a relationship. However, stupidly I asked how long after me it was t started, and she said- 3 weeks. She promises there was no overlap and she didnt intend to move on that quick but is very happy and is in a much happier place than she was with me. I too am in another relationship now, and I love my girlfriend very much. She is much better in everyway and the relationship is quite simply healthier (she doesnt cheat or hit me). However, my shock at the breakup from the ex has put a strain on my current relationship, she has been brilliant but I feel so guilty knowing I hurt her by not 100% moving on. And all the time I wasted, even posting on here, asking for advice when in reality the ex simply didnt care. I even went to a psychologist, I was so confused over the whole thing. And she was with someone the entire time. I know that the obvious answer is simply, focus 100% on my current girlfriend but I can't shake the regret of waisting so much time on this girl. So my question- can you honestly say you loved someone if you move on so quick and can love another in less than a month?
ravfour4 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Yes, I think she loved you. People just love in different ways, some people invest everything in you slowly overtime and it takes those people a long time to fade off of that love when broken up with. Other people can give you all of their love quickly and they can also pull it away quickly and paint you black as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling pain. They can also quickly pass it to someone else to avoid feeling hurt as well. She loved you, she just falls into this latter category. Accept that and go appreciate your better girlfriend. 1
dumbass2 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Well, the good thing about this is, now you know and there is no reason to ever contact your ex again. Now, with a little more time you will move on from the ex completely and move closer to your new girlfriend. Sounds like good things are right ahead for you. Try not to have any regrets. It's just how you needed to deal with things at the time. We all go through it differently. 1
lauri Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 What is wrong with you man? Who cares what she felt or she didn't. She broke up with you and that's all you need to know. She may have been madly in love with you at one point but in the end she found a new guy to branch swing to before leaving you. She's lying about no overlap. That guy was around for a while. All she wanted to do was make sure you don't hate her so she can live a peaceful life knowing she's special, that you have feeling for her and she did nothing wrong. Your ex is also not happier...why the hell is she spending her time even mentioning that? This behaviour is so typical it's not even funny. So, you claim to be madly in love with your current gf? Maybe you are, but it's very clear you still have feeling towards your ex. You should spend some time healing and getting over your ex properly rather than having your current girlfriends feelings on the line. The simplest answer is you shouldn't care. Try to focus your time on finding a way to be relieved. This ex of yours sounds like a loser, no offense. 3
Author sammason92 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 I do love my girlfriend. I think the reality is with the recent death I am not really in the right frame of mind. The reason I called her originally was to explain the medical process due to her profession which she was happy to do. What hurt me was she said those things when quite clearly I was distraught about the death. But I must disagree with the posts above. It took me some time to really feel able to even date, let alone sleep with, let alone be in a new relationship. I just don't understand, literally I cannot fathom how someone wants to marry a man one week and yet 20 odd days later they are in a new and quite clearly now a serious relationship. It baffles me! I do believe her about the lack of overlap to a degree, whether she knew him or knew of him before I don't know. It's not my business, either was whether she was in a relationship to be honest. Just slipped out of my mouth when I spoke to her. 1
movingonnow1 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I do love my girlfriend. I think the reality is with the recent death I am not really in the right frame of mind. The reason I called her originally was to explain the medical process due to her profession which she was happy to do. What hurt me was she said those things when quite clearly I was distraught about the death. But I must disagree with the posts above. It took me some time to really feel able to even date, let alone sleep with, let alone be in a new relationship. I just don't understand, literally I cannot fathom how someone wants to marry a man one week and yet 20 odd days later they are in a new and quite clearly now a serious relationship. It baffles me! I do believe her about the lack of overlap to a degree, whether she knew him or knew of him before I don't know. It's not my business, either was whether she was in a relationship to be honest. Just slipped out of my mouth when I spoke to her. None of this baffles me. OP you kind of sound like you're in denial. You do not sound like you are over your ex, which is okay and there is nothing wrong with that. If you were, you wouldn't care. You wouldn't have asked her if she was in a relationship nor would have you called her for any advice or information. I do not believe her story and either should you. Her actions speak a lot louder than her words. Your first mistake was even going to her for any type of communication, regardless of her profession. You could have googled your answers or spoken to another doctor. I do not believe it was necessary for you to reach out to her. I'll explain to you why she said those mean things. She doesn't respect you. She most likely lost respect for you in their relationship and after when you guys broke up. The other guy was in the picture long before you know it. They move on so quickly because they checked out much earlier than the point they leave you. This step you are going through is also part of the healing process. All you need to know is she was moved on long before she ended it. 1
frigginlost Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 OP, what you are feeling is completely normal of someone who used repression as a way to deal with hurt/grief. It does not matter you were the dumper. It is also indicative of someone who is not completely over their ex. For the life of me, I cannot get how folks just say things like "focus on your current girlfriend, or give the new relationship time". It does not work that way if a person still has unresolved feelings. You really, really, need to work your feelings out before making any more commitment to your girlfriend. No, I don't think you should break up with her, but for her sake, you need to really dig to the root on why this info about your ex bothers you and decide with 100% confidence where your girlfriend stands. Again, it's normal as my best friend went through the same thing. He repressed and the load hit him when he found out the girl he dumped was with someone 3 weeks later... 2
NoLeafClover Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 [QUOTyhattha;6392238]Hi, An update on a earlier post. A close relative of mine died recently, I spoke to my ex who I broke up with in November. Last time I spoke to her was in January by email. I told her about the death and she was nice enough. The conversation changed, and she confirmed that she was in a relationship. However, stupidly I asked how long after me it was t started, and she said- 3 weeks. She promises there was no overlap and she didnt intend to move on that quick but is very happy and is in a much happier place than she was with me. I too am in another relationship now, and I love my girlfriend very much. She is much better in everyway and the relationship is quite simply healthier (she doesnt cheat or hit me). However, my shock at the breakup from the ex has put a strain on my current relationship, she has been brilliant but I feel so guilty knowing I hurt her by not 100% moving on. And all the time I wasted, even posting on here, asking for advice when in reality the ex simply didnt care. I even went to a psychologist, I was so confused over the whole thing. And she was with someone the entire time. I know that the obvious answer is simply, focus 100% on my current girlfriend but I can't shake the regret of waisting so much time on this girl. So my question- can you honestly say you loved someone if you move on so quick and can love another in less than a month? You broke up with her so frankly you shouldn't feel guilty she moved on before you did. See it as a positive thing she was able to find happiness. You had a harder time and all the things you did and advise you took should be seen as if you were doing It for you. Two positive have come out of this perhaps you havent realized yet. 1- the fact she moved on quickly and didn't get to bothered by the breakup is just another reason why you should feel she was not the one. Someone who really love someone , dumper or dumpee will hurt for a long time. 2- the fact she has another man has put a cap to your previous relationship. Time to lose the chapter for good as you got the closure you didnt get. The fact that you notice your current gf is better in anyway should be a light bulb to you. She is the one you need to focus on more. Dont look back my friend, keep going.forward and you will brush this in no time. You simply heard some stuff that caught you off guard But you will be much happier as time passes by.
Author sammason92 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I just can't explain the regret I have that all these times I was with my relative, I could have enjoyed him. Instead I was thinking of her. And yet she simply didn't care. I feel humiliated. She was so cold. She knew how much I loved him and had met him and she simply was very business like.
candie13 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 if it helps, anytime I was cold and business like, I was putting up a wall to protect myself. I'm not saying she has feelings for you or anything, but you can be sure she is also hurt. It's human. As for your loss... you're in a bad place, in a bad period of your time. Grine and bare it, mate. Do your best to get out of that situation asap, if you know what's good for you. The sooner you start full NC, the sooner the healing stops. Don't mean to burst your bubble, but you lose a close family member, you have a new GF and all you do is talk about your ex.... and contact your ex. Something's fishy... start doing the work properly, otherwise your current gf will leave you and you'll be in an even more vulnerable place than you are right now.
jen1447 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I'm pretty sure that if love existed at one place and time, say on January 1, 2010, then went away at another place and time like January 1, 2011, the going away doesn't invalidate the existence of the original love or mean it never actually existed. So you can have a whirlwind romance that lasts 2 months and then hate each other shortly thereafter, but that doesn't mean you didn't have the whirlwind romance. So that means they most likely did love you (unless say the whole thing was some sort of fraud) even if they move on quickly. 1
Author sammason92 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 But how? How can someone just be so open to finding someone when they are supposely so miserable? What was it about me that was no forgettable? She knew I was suffering and still now used the chance to upset me. It didnt even sound like her. Just so indifferent, not angry, just annoyed she was wasiting her time talking with me.
jen1447 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I told her about the death and she was nice enough. The conversation changed, and she confirmed that she was in a relationship. However, stupidly I asked how long after me it was t started, and she said- 3 weeks. She promises there was no overlap and she didnt intend to move on that quick but is very happy and is in a much happier place than she was with me. I know you're hurting sam but that ^ doesn't exactly sound like the heart of cruelty to me. 1
lauri Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) But how? How can someone just be so open to finding someone when they are supposely so miserable? What was it about me that was no forgettable? She knew I was suffering and still now used the chance to upset me. It didnt even sound like her. Just so indifferent, not angry, just annoyed she was wasiting her time talking with me. She wasn't miserable because she lost interest in you. That means, very simply, that she wasn't in love with you. She checked out before the breakup. This occurred because you did things, unknowingly, over time to make her lose interest in you. Whatever you did to do that, it doesn't matter. She was enjoying the validation and ego boost she gets from talking to you. You were giving her something of value to herself (attention) at the expense of your feelings. That means she wasn't wasting her time talking to you, she was wasting YOUR time. You are far from forgettable to her. Trust me on that, it's just in her mind she has built up a negative image which is almost impossible to turn away. This sometimes happens just by being yourself and being with someone who is not compatible with you. This is why you should just cut your losses and try to move on from this. Your focus is on so many things that do not matter. The things that do matter, such as her not having empathy or respect for you anymore, is you taking ownership of your actions and doing what is right for you. You need to respect yourself by cutting this girl out of your life forever. You need to get over her for good - because she is no good for you. You need to realize that this girl you are so hung up on is nothing special. Just accept that things ended and stop trying to find out why. Stop caring that she doesn't care (chances are she would if you handled it completely differently. All you did was validate her feelings towards her - you gave her the upper hand by breaking NC). I know it's hard for you because you do not have the power with her, but if you take the right steps, you can regain yourself and regain control of your emotions. Just accept that she lost interest / fell out of love. It happens and there is nothing wrong with you. If there was, you wouldn't have an amazing new girlfriend. Edited June 22, 2015 by lauri
Chi townD Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 To answer your question, the problem is, a dumper knows that they are going to dump you, it's just a question of when. They've probably discussed it with friends and family and usually the dumpee is the last to know. Therefore, when they're waiting for the right time to cut you off at the ankles, they're already mourning the lost of you and the relationship. They've already started to disengage from the relationship and when they pull the plug, they are already leaps and bounds ahead of you in the healing process. I guess that's why the dumper is generally confused that we don't want to be friends after they dump us. Because they're already healed up enough to see us as nothing more than a friend rather than a love interest. In the meantime, we just got gutted and at square one of pain and rejection.
central Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I am assuming she broke up with you, OP. In that case, she was probably thinking about doing so for some time, but was waiting/hoping that she would see something to convince her to stay with you. When that didn't happen, it was clear to her that she had to break up. And since it was already a possibility, she was able to move on quickly. For you, it was a surprise, and so you had a longer process to get over her. I ended my first marriage. It had been unhealthy for years, and I knew for a long time that I was going to end it if nothing changed. (She knew it, too.) Nothing changed, and when a certain landmark happened, I left. I was ready to start dating again in a matter of weeks. It took her several months (because I think she really thought I wouldn't follow through) - it would have been longer for both of us if we hadn't already started adjusting to splitting up, or if we hadn't known it was going to happen.
Author sammason92 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I ended it with her due to the probable cheating episode in earlier posts. I suppose it makes more sense now why she did what she did. 1
lauri Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I ended it with her due to the probable cheating episode in earlier posts. I suppose it makes more sense now why she did what she did. Probable? By her behaviour, I'd argue she almost certainly did. Dude, as hard as it is to swallow, her actions show you who she really is. She isn't worth your time or energy, let alone thoughts. Why are you so worked up over a girl who is clearly not worth it? Self access yourself and learn why things didn't work out. Learn from it and apply those lessons learned to your next relationship to ensure you won't make the same mistakes. This is a hard but good lesson for you in the long run.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I'm gonna address your question and avoid the condescending "reality check" sh*t so many people on here feel the need to type out. Yes, she could have loved you and also moved on quickly. Hell, a person can continue to love an ex and still quickly enter a new relationship. And feel happy. But I've found the question you pose disconcerting myself. Love is a very subjective thing. Potentially, one person could move on quickly from a relationship while the other pined for a prolonged time, and it doesn't necessarily mean the piner's love was any more genuine. Level of grief or length of refractory period after that sort of loss is influenced by much more than the depth of the "love". It's about ability to compartmentalize, sense of self-worth, and general personality traits. One person will go into a prolonged depression after the loss of a casual 3 week relationship while another will be dating a month after the end of their 10 year marriage. I think the question isn't if they can have really loved you then moved on quickly- it's how fickle and easily stoked their love is. And that's what I've pondered at times. Does it make the person's love less valuable in some way if they give it out more easily ? It's all subjective. Given that all things are equal- self-esteem, mental fortitude, underlying personal contentment- I think it's safe to say that the party who immediately jumps into a new relationship had a less intense love for the other than vice versa. Though sometimes those people are just plowing through subconsciously in avoidance of fully confronting themselves and on some level may have loved just as deeply as the seemingly more affected other party... Who knows ? Those who have more options tend to be less attached and move on more quickly. Often times that's the female, like in your case. While it doesn't discredit her love it means it's engrained in her that there will always be a new, willing person in her life. Which creates a dynamic where there's less need to cling to the old and and seemingly little reason to not jump right into the new. So maybe her love isn't as rare as you may have thought, and maybe she doesn't use it too sparingly- but that doesn't mean it wasn't real.
joseb Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Hi, I too am in another relationship now, and I love my girlfriend very much. She is much better in everyway and the relationship is quite simply healthier (she doesnt cheat or hit me). Did she love you? Maybe in a way she did. But anyone who cheats, and, especially, anyone who hits you is not worthy of your love. Realise how dis-functional your last relationship was. Are you sure you are ready to be in another one? If you are, then you better re-focus your energy on that one.
aloneinaz Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 IMO, you need to focus on the new GF. I know it's hard and our human brains kick in w/the "you want what you can't have" thoughts. You're questioning why she lost interest in you and potentially cheated. It sounds as though you wanted the relationship to work while she lost interest in it which resulted in the outcome. So, you haven't been able to let that failed relationship go 100% as a result. This site and most others are advocates of NC once a relationship ends. The people who employ it find that it helps THEM separate themselves from their exes and heal. While you've moved onto a new GF, breaking contact and talking to your ex only set you back which is why you're thinking so much about her now. In my experiences thru several LTR's the ended, in all cases, the only way I was able to fully move on was to stay NC until all emotions about the ex were gone. Most of the people on this site agree w/it as well.
Author sammason92 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 I agree with everything, especially the no contact rule. I think for me, this being my first breakup, I am just not used to it. I suppose part of me thought she would still care about me which I assume is not the norm. It was just strange talking to her, there was no enthusiasm anymore, it just felt strange hearing her, knowing that she didnt love me anymore. I am quite a sensitive guy so I suppose I know deep down if the shoe was on the other foot I couldnt be mean. But its just a shame, I am just of the opinion that you can't turn love off. If you trully love someone, you will always to some degree. At least I hope.
aloneinaz Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I agree with everything, especially the no contact rule. I think for me, this being my first breakup, I am just not used to it. I suppose part of me thought she would still care about me which I assume is not the norm. It was just strange talking to her, there was no enthusiasm anymore, it just felt strange hearing her, knowing that she didnt love me anymore. I am quite a sensitive guy so I suppose I know deep down if the shoe was on the other foot I couldnt be mean. But its just a shame, I am just of the opinion that you can't turn love off. If you trully love someone, you will always to some degree. At least I hope. As a few other posters stated, she could of been simply putting on a front or being cold as a way of coping with having contact with you. Kind of like Facebook. People only post things that make them/their lives look perfect and happy when reality is their life maybe very unhappy. I've found that you can't put any value into how an ex comes across to you after a break up. You're broken up so they are not going to treat you the way they did when you were together. The other thing to note is if you had not had contact w/her, you wouldn't be upset on how you perceived her coming across. My advice would be to stay NC. Accept that she's your past and is dead to you now. Focus on your future and your new GF. Also accept that it is normal to occasionally think of your ex while recognizing that time passing will make it easier and you'll think of her less and less till you reach a point where you have no emotions towards her.
coryreply Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I am just of the opinion that you can't turn love off. If you trully love someone, you will always to some degree. At least I hope. Everybody's different, bro. Some people are done when they're done and have no problem moving on. Also, some people wear their emotions on their sleeves and others don't. You really don't know how everything went down in her heart and mind after the breakup. And if you asked, she probably wouldn't tell you, or maybe she would lie about it. Is she good at poker?
casey.lives Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 no it wasn't love. the level of insensitivity even when it was over only furthure illustrates the selfish nature and the shallowness of the relationship. dont think on it anymore.
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