SpykiE Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Okay, I REALLY need some help! I have been with my g/f for 4 years and 2 months.... a long time to be with someone. We started out as friends, I was just getting out of a really bad breakup and was still heart-broken at the time, but I was moving on slowly (this was senior year of high school, I am now 22 and so is she). Her and I became really close and eventually I decided I'd take the leap, what the hell, what did I have to lose? So I asked her out (even though I was not completely over my previous g/f). Well we have had our fair share of good fights and arguments over the years, but also tons and tons of good times, we have been through a lot of stuff together. We have lived together for 6 months about almost 2 years ago and then moved back to our parents' houses. I decided to go off to school to experience something different and broaden my horizons (I am from New Jersey), so I am now living in Minneapolis, MN and have been for the last 9 months, while attending school. At first I was a little apprehensive about whether or not the whole long-distance thing would work, but after being out here for a while, I realized her and I had already laid the major "ground-work," so if anything, this would only strengthen us and give us a different perspective on things. It would also make us realize that we must not take for granted eachother, which is very true, and I have grown confident since then, maybe too confident. Which leads me to the reason why I am posting this... Last night, her and I had an argument over the phone over something really trivial, or at least it seems like that to me. I have an account on myspace.com, simply b/c I like to post pictures of me and friends and what-not and b/c a few of my friends have profiles on there as well. Well sometimes I have girls send me invites to have them on my friends list. It is a completely random thing and so I accept their friendship invite... I don't like denying people, maybe I'm just too nice a guy. Well, she got upset that I had another girl or 2 on my friends list and questioned it.... I argued with her and asked her why something so small upset her and that I thought she was overreacting. I went on to assure her that I loved her very much and that I was not going to up and leave her for another girl, that those girls on the website were simply people there that found my profile randomly and asked to be a friend, that's all. We argued a little more b/c she told me I wasn't getting what she was trying to explain to me, and she used an instance where if she met a guy somewhere, wouldn't I be jealous as well? I explained that I would not be jealous, b/c I'm trustworthy of her and confident that she would not just up and leave me as well as cheat on me. Now, she starts to cry and tells me she feels like she doesn't matter to me b/c she just wishes that sometimes I would get jealous for her. That at least if I got jealous sometimes that it would show her that she is worth feeling that way about. She also mentioned that when I don't get jealous for her it feels to her like I know she is not desireable by another guy....which is not true as she is a very beautiful girl. Now here's the question....What do you guys think about this?? Is it right for her to feel this way?? and does it really seem true that a guy CAN get too confident (such as in my case)?? Also, mostly all of our fights/arguments stem from 3 issues: #1. Its hard for me to express in words what's on my mind and what exactly I am feeling. (over the years this has become better and better), but this was a mark left in me b/c of how hurt I was left from my previous relationship. But like I said though, this is still something that comes along once in a long while, but not anywhere near how much it used to be. #2. She always brings up getting engaged and married, which places pressure on me as I am trying to finish my school (and she will be getting her RN degree in another 2 years as well) and I don't want to just get engaged and married for all the wrong reasons simply b/c I feel pressured. She brings up buying her a ring almost all the time we talk, and I'm getting turned off more and more to the whole idea simply b/c I feel as if I am being pushed into something. #3. My g/f is always afraid I'm gonna leave her.... She brings it up all the time, like I am going to find someone else and not love her anymore. However, that very idea she has is directly linked to me not being completely over my ex when her and I started dating. She used to bring it up all the time, but now not so much anymore..... However, that has translated into jealousy as discussed above. She was recently here for about 2 weeks about a month ago and things were absolutely great and we both try to do romantic things when together as well as when we are not.... but times like last night, they make me question everything.... I'm sorry for the extremely long post guys, but I just really need someone else's outside opinion and HELP mainly. This is a girl I care for and love very much, however, these things listed above have sometimes made me question the whole relationship and whether or not I should continue along or simply cut the chord. I am so confused right now.....please help me out, thanks!
Author SpykiE Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 anyone out there that could offer some input, I would REALLY appreciate it, thanks!!
ConfusedInOC Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by SpykiE Now here's the question....What do you guys think about this?? Is it right for her to feel this way?? and does it really seem true that a guy CAN get too confident (such as in my case)?? She wants you to be jealous, sounds like she's a bit insecure. However, if I were you, out of respect for her, I would have deleted my MYSPACE account immediately. What's more important to you, her happiness or a couple of online friends? To her, if it was important, you should have honored it, no questions asked. #1. Its hard for me to express in words what's on my mind and what exactly I am feeling. (over the years this has become better and better), but this was a mark left in me b/c of how hurt I was left from my previous relationship. But like I said though, this is still something that comes along once in a long while, but not anywhere near how much it used to be. Start working on it. Communication, or lack thereof, is the #1 cause of breakups. If you can't communicate, you're destined to fail. Sorry. IIWY, I'd practice. A lot. She always brings up getting engaged and married, which places pressure on me as I am trying to finish my school (and she will be getting her RN degree in another 2 years as well) and I don't want to just get engaged and married for all the wrong reasons simply b/c I feel pressured. She brings up buying her a ring almost all the time we talk, and I'm getting turned off more and more to the whole idea simply b/c I feel as if I am being pushed into something. Then sit her down and tell her you're not ready. Sounds like to me she might not be the girl for you and that's where your hesitation lies. If you're relucatant to delete a myspace account to please her, you might be scouting the field. And your denial to marry her, after four years, only feeds her insecurities. Why not sit her down and talk. Discuss where the problems are. If you love her deeply and feel she is the right girl for you, slap a promise ring on her hand. Tell her not right now, but sometime soon. If you don't think she's the right one, break it off and let her find him. Don't drag her along unnecessarily. If you feel she is the right one but are just pressured, then as I said, it boils down to communication. Sit her down. Discuss your goals together. Work out a plan. Stick to it. It ain't hard, brother. You just gotta learn to work as team on this. #3. My g/f is always afraid I'm gonna leave her.... She brings it up all the time, like I am going to find someone else and not love her anymore. However, that very idea she has is directly linked to me not being completely over my ex when her and I started dating. She used to bring it up all the time, but now not so much anymore..... However, that has translated into jealousy as discussed above. Well duh. If I saw my girl on myspace (which is a booty call web site anyway) I'd probably be suspicious too, especially if you fought her over it tooth and nail. Priorities, mate. Priorities. Is she your priority? If so, you need to sit down and talk to her. Otherwise, don't drag it out. Her happiness is centered around a life with you and if you don't feel the same then that's a big problem. Again, COMMUNICATION. She was recently here for about 2 weeks about a month ago and things were absolutely great and we both try to do romantic things when together as well as when we are not.... but times like last night, they make me question everything.... I'm sorry for the extremely long post guys, but I just really need someone else's outside opinion and HELP mainly. This is a girl I care for and love very much, however, these things listed above have sometimes made me question the whole relationship and whether or not I should continue along or simply cut the chord. I am so confused right now.....please help me out, thanks! If you let things escalate into arguments, ones that cause you to come here, then you've got a problem. Again: Sit her down. Discuss your goals together. Work out a plan. Stick to it. Again, this advice is worth the paper it's written on. I don't know you from jack so I can only comment on the statements you've made. If you love this girl and you want a life with her, start making her a priority in your life. My ex used the "I'm moving away for school" excuse on me. You know what I said? "That would have no effect on our marriage. If we get married it means we're committed to each other and no mattter what, we'll work it out." If you feel the same way, do it. Otherwise, why are you with her?
Recommended Posts