PikaPika Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been dating for about nine months, but over the past few months he has become more of a selfish lover. He asked me early in the relationship to get on birth control and we stopped using condoms, but when we stopped using condoms he stopped preforming oral sex on me. He said that he did not want to go there after he'd been in there (I guess he could have started orally like he used to and then move on to sex). At the time I wasn't giving him oral so I didn't say anything, and it wasn't that big of a deal. Before we moved into together I finally tried to give him oral and I hated it. It disgusted me and nearly made me vomit, but I told him that I would keep trying, and I usually did whenever he asked for it (each time almost vomiting). He's only given me oral twice since we moved in together and the last time I gave him oral he made a comment that it had been so long since I did that he'd forgotten what the other times have felt like, and I made the comment that I had forgotten what it felt like all together. I still haven't gotten oral since, which wouldn't be such a big deal if he wasn't getting it. He says it doesn't count because he hasn't orgasmed during oral, and he's not going to count it until he does. I have never told him, but I have never orgasmed when we had sex, so never in the entire relationship have I orgasmed. To make matters worse, I'm getting bored with sex. He only does positions that suit him. He says some positions hurt his back and that I can't be on top because I'm heavier and might hurt him (some girl from his past did and he told me about it, which also bothers me). I love him, but when it comes to sex I am getting bored. I feel like I don't even want to have sex anymore. I know he's always been a bit selfish because he used to only go pick up food where he wanted or not ask if I wanted anything when he would go through the drive thru at smoothie king or other places, but at the time I felt like I could deal with it. Edited June 21, 2015 by PikaPika adding details 1
StalwartMind Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Sounds like a relationship based around criteria X needs to be met before Y can happen. Any progress to develop such into something more and also meaningful is greatly impeded by selfish acts. It's fine to not enjoy certain intimate actions, but if it's based on a 1:1 ratio requirement, then you'll find yourself more disappointed than happy. Nothing is perfectly symmetrical anyway, and while reciprocation is vital, at times one part will and should be more giving than the other. Being the giving type myself I have no issues with in most cases being the one that give more than I receive, no matter the context. It brings me joy to see someone else enjoy what I can offer. Being a bigger gal shouldn't prevent you from enjoying or trying various positions, but perhaps the creativity is lacking on his behalf. The only thing that prevents two people from enjoying something amazing together, is if they let their egos or bias come in way of something that is supposed to be beautiful and pleasurable. Perhaps attempt to communicate your thoughts and feelings with him and both be willing to become more open and giving. 1
Author PikaPika Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 Sounds like a relationship based around criteria X needs to be met before Y can happen. Any progress to develop such into something more and also meaningful is greatly impeded by selfish acts. It's fine to not enjoy certain intimate actions, but if it's based on a 1:1 ratio requirement, then you'll find yourself more disappointed than happy. Nothing is perfectly symmetrical anyway, and while reciprocation is vital, at times one part will and should be more giving than the other. Being the giving type myself I have no issues with in most cases being the one that give more than I receive, no matter the context. It brings me joy to see someone else enjoy what I can offer. Being a bigger gal shouldn't prevent you from enjoying or trying various positions, but perhaps the creativity is lacking on his behalf. The only thing that prevents two people from enjoying something amazing together, is if they let their egos or bias come in way of something that is supposed to be beautiful and pleasurable. Perhaps attempt to communicate your thoughts and feelings with him and both be willing to become more open and giving. I wouldn't have a problem with giving, but he never gives anymore and asks all the time. I don't understand why he wants me to do that if he knows that I really don't enjoy it, and he's not willing to do the same. I would be willing to cut that part of our relationship out all together. There are other things that I do for him, like I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing the clothes. He only pitches in when I get to the point where I'm nagging him. He does do most of the driving, and he's been helping me financially, but he's the reason I've moved here and had a difficult time finding a job. He wouldn't even consider moving where I wanted to move. 1
umirano Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 It doesn't sound like the two of you are truly caring and patient with each other. Bookkeeping in a relationship? Deal breaker. Now that you moved in together you are probably looking for a way to fix it. Lead by example. Treat him the way you want to be treated. Put down your foot and make it clear to him that you want to be treated with respect too. Have a plan b if he doesn't change and find a better man. Remember you are not his mom or therapist. Good luck! 1
Satu Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Compromise is a nice word, even though it lacks instant appeal.
Gary S Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Well if he was doing it at the beginning and then stopped, that's fraud.
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