Why am I always the "really nice" girl but not date worthy? It's discouraging...

June 21, 2015

I got involved with two guys (during two different times) who both turned out to be emotionally unavailable and were never that interested in me to begin with, and "hurtful" doesn't even begin to describe how I feel now. They were both fresh out of a recent relationship when they first went out with me (while still having strong feelings and flicker of hopes for the last girlfriend), but didn't feel the attraction for me. I've always been perceptive so I picked up on a lot of signs and when I finally confronted them, they admitted that I wasn't incorrect when I said they were never truly interested in me. They are both very nice, good-looking, sensitive, emotional, smart guys, with whom I have a lot in common and get along so well, and in the end they both said the same thing: that I was smart, fun to be with, really nice, really cool, interesting, etc., yet they don't know why they don't feel the attraction. They also said that I'd be with someone great some day because I'm truly a girl guys would like to be around...

And each time when I had the talk is when they owned up about what'd been going on with them, whom they'd been seeing, and where they're presently with someone they really liked whom they were getting serious about. I have to say all my doubts were confirmed and I should have trusted my gut feelings and listened to my friends who raised concerns too.

When I went out with the first guy, he was great at daily communication and opening up to me, etc., but was unwilling and slow to make actual plans, which raised a red flag; with the second guy, he came on very strong during the first two dates - extremely nice and friendly, and ended the date with us making out, but in between dates he barely got in touch and just threw some lukewarm texts out here and there and never made plans to see me either. I thought the first date went really well and he was interested, but now he said he actually regretted making out with me and that he shouldn't have made this a lot more than it really was. I'd been wondering about how he never seemed that eager to talk to me or see me, and he confirmed that I was right. I should note that since I had my doubts about their true interest for me, I never acted eager with them, either. They both live 30-40 minutes away too so it wasn't that easy to see each other often too.

I guess I'm just feeling extremely discouraged right now and wonder what's wrong with me that always run into this kind of thing, and how unfortunate I was having met two people both at the tail end of their recent breakup (even they admitted that timing was not good). Now they're feeling better and seeing someone they're truly interested in, I'm not factored into the equation anymore, or maybe I never was. I also feel weak inside yet I act strong on the outside, pretending that I was fine when they were honest with me, and I kept saying that I'd sensed all that a long time ago so it wasn't s surprise. These two were both very nice boyfriend materials, and after things with the first one falling apart, I saw hope and chance to start anew when I met the second one, and now it turned out to be a disappointment again. I don't know why I don't want to show them how hurt I was ... Maybe it's because I knew it wouldn't do my any good anyway. They both want to be friends, which I'm fine with, but it'll take me some time to get over the feelings.

June 21, 2015

You should really consider what your true feelings are about these two guys. Is it more the rejection that is bugging you or did you really feel strong chemistry?

I had this crush on a girl who I have seen a bunch of times in passing but finally got a chance to go out with her one on one recently. I maybe built things up in my head too much but when we got out I found that the chemistry was lacking. Maybe I was nervous, maybe she was nervous... I will probably go out with her again and see if anything develops but I could see myself saying the same thing to her that your guys said to you... Just not feeling it. You don't really know until you go out. Would you rather the guy contact you after a date or two and say "hey, .there is no chemistry here?". I will still ask the girl I am referring to out because she does seem like a nice/genuine person and I could see us being friends.... There is a possibility that on the second "Date" that things might click too.

June 21, 2015

Don't date guys who are fresh out of relationships. Sorry that happened to you that really sucks but it's really that simple in future if a guy tells you he's fresh out of a relationship stay away. Consider anything they say about being fine as utter rubbish you will end up protecting yourself a lot more from situations like this. They are not emotionally available and are looking for someone to be a band aid.

It's not emotionally healthy jumping from one person to another without giving yourself time to heal.

June 21, 2015

Aaah I understand you! I am much like you and yes, I too am the "awesome amazing woman" that has been rejected by many men over the years.

Most recently, the man I was madly in love with finally rejected me by telling me that although I was beautiful/sexy/cute/amazing, that I was his favorite woman in the world, and that he wanted me in his life forever.....he just didn't feel the same way about me, and he couldn't say why. Only that I was not the one for him.

It hurts. Why do they talk us up to the moon, only to run away?

Anyway, I'm not sure how to help myself, let alone anyone else. Like you, I tend to attract men who are unavailable in some way. Either they are hung up on some other woman, or halfway around the globe, or they aren't into me the same way I am them (though they are more than happy to take my love and affection as long as it suits them). Currently I have three men with CURRENT GFs who are after me. I am not reciprocating this interest, and it's kind of gross.

Don't even entertain feelings for men who are fresh out of relationships. No matter what they SAY, they will never be yours.

June 21, 2015

Currently I have three men with CURRENT GFs who are after me. I am not reciprocating this interest, and it's kind of gross.

Wow ....must be an ego stroke tho.

June 21, 2015

Wow ....must be an ego stroke tho.

Well..not really.

Perhaps on the very surface, yes. But it makes me sad because I start wondering what it is about me, that makes these men think I will be satisfied with their scraps. They are not going to leave their GFs for me. I have been around the block enough to know this.

And, even IF they did, and they started dating me, I would eventually just become the new GF they cheat on. I witness them crossing that line from the other side, and as their GF I'd be worried about what they were doing and saying behind my back. Them flirting with me makes me feel sorry for their GFs, and it tells me that they have no character or integrity.

June 21, 2015

Men are simple tho, they don't think beyond "want."

I realize that doesn't exactly solve the problem, but it might help to make it less demeaning.

June 21, 2015

It sounds like both guys were on the rebound and probably would not be serious about any lady at the time.

June 21, 2015

Most recently, the man I was madly in love with finally rejected me by telling me that although I was beautiful/sexy/cute/amazing, that I was his favorite woman in the world, and that he wanted me in his life forever.....he just didn't feel the same way about me, and he couldn't say why. Only that I was not the one for him.

Kind of similar to when a girl tells a guy, "Awe you're so awesome. Why can't I find a guy like you"?

I seen that happen to one of my friends right in front of me. I think the whole statement went over his head, so I had to absorbed the shock of those words. It's painful even if it's not being said to you.

June 21, 2015

I think using the term "always" is a bit extreme since this only happened with two different guys.

Just accept the fact that these two particular guys weren't right for you, and focus on meeting one that is.

June 21, 2015

OP go read Why Men Marry Bitches or Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream Girl.

A girl can be to nice sometimes it OK the be a female dog once in a while just not 24/7/365.

June 21, 2015

Generally, I would sum up what is going on with you as:

TOO AVAILABLE

That is usually the problem when there is no real reason why a guy shouldn't totally be into you. Make sure you are not too accommodating, too nice (give them sh*t and tease them playfully, keep them on their toes). Call them out the moment you see a red flag or something you don't like. Doesn't have to be harsh just that you noticed and are not going to accept that behavior. Drop their priority moment they treat you like you are not a priority. Well even better, make them work to get onto your priority list.

I think people operate on a range and if this is a consistent problem and even you feel you are too nice, then doing some of the things I suggested will take you into a place where they can feel more good tension and you're still not in danger of just being a disrespectful, self-centered b*tch bc you are so far left on the "nice" scale. When the guy can't pinpoint what's wrong like you described and chemistry is missing, I think it means there is not enough of a challenge there for him. They already know they have you and you will not pushback so they are not as intrigued. That's why the 3 taken guys are interested, bc you are not interested in them.

As for the 2nd guy, which may have been a bit of a rebound situation as well, if you feel like this has potential to be an issue with anyone in the future, keep them at arm's length until they prove their integrity. I've said it several times before on here: you can't be in such a rush or wanting a relationship so much that you compromise you're standards. If you do, you will either end up in a relationship pattern that doesn't suit you OR spend unnecessary time trying to revive your ego after relationships that chip away at your self-esteem. Let people earn their way into your life. Also when you are starting to date someone new, treat it as just a fun, throwaway evening--don't think further into the future than just that. They can sense you are too invested, too much of a sure thing which removes the good tension too.

At the risk of stereotyping, guys are do-ers. They like to see that their actions are what are getting them from step a to b with you. If you just offer yourself up on a platter by being into them without letting them do the work or be special to you on their actions, they just aren't as into it. Ever wonder how a not so cute girl who is a b*tch has a great bf who thinks she is great, this is how.

June 21, 2015

Mostly when this sort of thing happens it's because you're not good looking enough.

If you have someone who loves your sense of humor, loves hanging out with you, and thinks you're awesome, but just doesn't see you in that way.

And yes, this is mostly guy territory, but some females fall into the friendzone abyss every now and then.

What I try and do is be more lenient on others' looks. Because, in most cases, the person complaining about getting rejected for being liked as a person but not being attractive is also at the same time rejecting others who they mesh with, but are just not physically attracted to.

So, you really cannot complain if that is the case.

June 21, 2015

OP go read Why Men Marry Bitches or Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream Girl.

A girl can be to nice sometimes it OK the be a female dog once in a while just not 24/7/365.

For men, being aggressive and domineering is attractive because it equates with masculinity and protection and that gets women hot.

For women, it's not the same. Every hot gal that I knew that was also nice had an INSANE amount of men after her. I worked with such a gal and literally every single single guy would have gone out with her.

Hot gals who are b@tches get guys too, but enough are turned off by their personality not to bother.

But even for guys, it's mostly about looks. I know a bunch of really good looking dudes who are really good, nice dudes, and they get good looking women. They probably could have gotten more women in terms of quantity if they were d@uches, but ... meh.

Edited June 21, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

June 21, 2015

For men, being aggressive and domineering is attractive because it equates with masculinity and protection and that gets women hot.

For women, it's not the same. Every hot gal that I knew that was also nice had an INSANE amount of men after her. I worked with such a gal and literally every single single guy would have gone out with her.

Hot gals who are b@tches get guys too, but enough are turned off by their personality not to bother.

But even for guys, it's mostly about looks. I know a bunch of really good looking dudes who are really good, nice dudes, and they get good looking women. They probably could have gotten more women in terms of quantity if they were d@uches, but ... meh.

The book not abut been a B@#% it about not being a doormat and standing up for yourself .

This is from the book Why Men Marry Bitches, and has some interesting principles on how to get and keep men you're interested in, and other womanly advice to not seem desperate.

Relationship Principle 1: In romance there’s nothing more attractive to a man than a women who has dignity and pride in who she is.

Relationship Principle 2: He marries the women who won’t lay down like linoleum.

Relationship Principle 3: He doesn’t marry a woman who is perfect. He marries the woman who is interesting.

Relationship Principle 4: When a woman is trying too hard, a man will usually test to see how hard she’s willing to work for it. He’ll start throwing relationship Frisbees, just to see how hard she’ll run and how high she’ll jump.

Relationship Principle 5: Done believe what anyone tells you about yourself.

Relationship Principle 6: Men see how you dress, and then make assumptions about your relationship potential.

Relationship Principle 19: There’s nothing more prized to a man than something he had to wait for, work for, or struggle a little bit to get.

Relationship Principle 20: As soon as a woman hands a man a more serious commitment on a silver platter, he’ll be reluctant to take it.

Clover: A Player's Guide: Relationship Principles: How to Get and Keep a Man

June 21, 2015

This happens when you're not very attractive. Or maybe you attractive but obviously you're not attractive to these guys who feed you the ' you're a great gal but " line

The reason men reject me is because our personalities don't click. It's only ever been due to lack of attraction I think once. Out of every man I've met.

If you're getting the " you're a great girl but I can't find myself attracted " more than once, than its safe to say that your obviously not a sex bomb. Although I'm sure plenty of men do find you cute.

As a moderately attractive woman ( I'm a solid 7/10) I never get the " you're a great girl but I just can't find myself attracted " line. Ever. The guys are always lusting over me but simply don't click with my quirky personality or they just can't fall for me despite strong attraction in most cases.

June 21, 2015

I know how you feel, as I've often been there as the girl who was good enough to be a friend, but nothing more.

But, these men were just quite simply, not in a good place at all, and you had no part in that, and there was nothing you could've possibly done! Don't blame yourself.

June 21, 2015

You repeated the same mistake twice, you got involved with men freshly out of relationships. If you keep doing that you will keep getting the same results.

Also, many men will get interested in you, it doesn't mean they are good candidate to fall in love with. You have to ask questions and when they tell you they broke up 2 months ago it's up to you to say: Sorry I am not interested in seeing you. EVEN if you really like them.

June 21, 2015

It's not because these men are fresh out of relationships.

I've seen men who were fresh out of relationships. The men who were madly in love with their exes aren't ready to date again. No questions there.

However, the men I've known who weren't exactly head over heels for their exes, did tend to move on rather fast after their last failed relationship.

My mates boyfriend told her that he was just out of a relationship and wanted to be single for at least a year. He met her and she wowed him. Because she extremely attractive and he couldn't help himself.

Chances are, or these men felt compelling and intense chemistry for you accompanied by actual romantic feelings for you, they would have dated you, all be it at a slower pace due to being fresh out of relationships.

Bottom line, they gave you the line " they could see why they weren't attracted to you "

I've never personally gotten that line. Even from men who were fresh out if relationships.

The main lesson I'd take from this is: go for men who must after you and seem super attracted to you. And yes some men who are fresh out if relationships will not be ready for love even if the girl would have ordinarily knocked their socks off

June 21, 2015

Well it is discouraging, but,,,,

You need to believe in your relationships and you need to believe in your partners feelings for you...

Because it is of no benefit to live in doubt, it does not reduce the pain if the relationship ends.... but fears of such things will be sensed by your partner and it will greatly increase the chances of them cooling off on you.

June 21, 2015

Too available.

Too nice.

Too boring.

Would make a good friend though. You're the female version of the nice guy.

June 22, 2015

Well..not really.

Perhaps on the very surface, yes. But it makes me sad because I start wondering what it is about me, that makes these men think I will be satisfied with their scraps. They are not going to leave their GFs for me. I have been around the block enough to know this.

And, even IF they did, and they started dating me, I would eventually just become the new GF they cheat on. I witness them crossing that line from the other side, and as their GF I'd be worried about what they were doing and saying behind my back. Them flirting with me makes me feel sorry for their GFs, and it tells me that they have no character or integrity.

:lmao: I always have guys who have wives trying to have sex with me. But I don't think that says anything about me, hopefully

June 22, 2015

For men, being aggressive and domineering is attractive because it equates with masculinity and protection and that gets women hot.

For women, it's not the same. Every hot gal that I knew that was also nice had an INSANE amount of men after her. I worked with such a gal and literally every single single guy would have gone out with her.

Hot gals who are b@tches get guys too, but enough are turned off by their personality not to bother.

But even for guys, it's mostly about looks. I know a bunch of really good looking dudes who are really good, nice dudes, and they get good looking women. They probably could have gotten more women in terms of quantity if they were d@uches, but ... meh.

I agree.I think the men love bitches slogan is over done. Yes I know guys who are with women who are moody bitches but the guys were desperate to be in a relationship or the woman is hotter then they would normally get so make the trade off. Given the choice between a pretty, sweet, devoted, eager to please gf and a pretty, skanky, moody, criticizing, bitch gf, the majority of guys will choose the former. I do agree with Versacehottie on her not being too available, For guys who can score women easy it wont be so good, but for the other guys I don't think it would necessarily be the kiss of death.

These guys were on the rebound after a breakup that left both of them still pining for their exes and that a very poor base for her to make assumptions on herself as to why she failed to snag them. As a short answer to these sorts of cases I can't see why the same explanation that usually goes with ( smart, fun to be with, really nice, really cool, interesting, etc) men in these circumstances cannot also apply to women.....you are just don't have the looks/demeanor that turn them on.

June 22, 2015

I love seeing a girl that gets it. Any guy that is successful with women has sort of a radar about which ones they can hook up with, I know I do. If attached guys keep hitting on the same woman, it's because she gives off vibes that she is the sort of girl that's ok with being the other woman.

Well, they are definitely mistaken about me because I don't mess around with attached guys and I'm not afraid to tell them they are a**holes for what they are doing.

This doesn't seem to deter them, though.

June 22, 2015

Another important thing to note on what Versacehottie said...it does help build tension, but it is also not a trick on how to make someone fall for you. It is a way to build tension BUT...it also weeds out the guys who aren't worth your time! The right guys will feel the tension but also follow through.

Sometimes people like chocolate ice cream, and sometimes they like strawberry ice cream. Both ice creams are delicious. Both have people who think they're the best and both have people who aren't so into them.

Just because someone didn't want a scoop of strawberry icecream doesn't mean the strawberry ice cream is horrible. And maybe they'll want it later, who knows? But strawberry ice cream cant beat itself up and hide in the back because some people just weren't in the mood for it.

Get it?

Generally, I would sum up what is going on with you as:

TOO AVAILABLE

That is usually the problem when there is no real reason why a guy shouldn't totally be into you. Make sure you are not too accommodating, too nice (give them sh*t and tease them playfully, keep them on their toes). Call them out the moment you see a red flag or something you don't like. Doesn't have to be harsh just that you noticed and are not going to accept that behavior. Drop their priority moment they treat you like you are not a priority. Well even better, make them work to get onto your priority list.

I think people operate on a range and if this is a consistent problem and even you feel you are too nice, then doing some of the things I suggested will take you into a place where they can feel more good tension and you're still not in danger of just being a disrespectful, self-centered b*tch bc you are so far left on the "nice" scale. When the guy can't pinpoint what's wrong like you described and chemistry is missing, I think it means there is not enough of a challenge there for him. They already know they have you and you will not pushback so they are not as intrigued. That's why the 3 taken guys are interested, bc you are not interested in them.

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Why am I always the "really nice" girl but not date worthy? It's discouraging...

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