New relationship...so why has my sex drive disappeared??

[emily_m]

I love my boyfriend, I think he's gorgeous, handsome and sexy, and I'm so attracted to him in every way. But over the past month or so my sex drive has practically disappeared. I enjoy it when we do it but I rarely feel horny and so I've stopped initiating it. He's obviously noticed this change and is pretty upset...he confronted me the other day and asked if I'm still attracted to him. He said he feels like a sex pest as it's always him making the first move.

 

I just don't know what to do and I feel awful, it can't be much fun for him if that's how he feels. It's frustrating for me also. We've only been together for 4 months (started dating 8 months ago, had a 2 month break in between). So it's a new relationship which is still fun and exciting in other ways. Exactly like the sex should be! But I feel like I'm ruining this experience for both of us.

 

I think there could be a few things contributing to how I feel: he moved in with me a couple of months ago. We're living in a different country from home on a working holiday and it was the best option for various reasons...we also wanted to live together and really enjoy it. But I'm sure this could affect our sex life. I've put about half a stone on in weight, which isn't much, but I'm slim so to me it's really noticeable and I don't feel great about myself or very sexy. And although work isn't stressful, I often have early starts and so I'm really tired by the time I get home. My boyfriend says I get home and just want to put my comfy clothes on and chill out. And he's right!

 

I'm 30 but this is my first serious relationship and although I'm absolutely loving it, I still feel as though I'm getting used to the change. It's different to single life where I could slob out any time I wanted and got really horny because it had been months since I'd last had sex. I always thought that when I got a boyfriend I'd want it all the time, but that's just not how I feel. It's making me miserable. I feel so lucky to have him but I'm worried I'm ruining things.

 

Please help peeps, any advice would be much appreciated

[jen1447]

Hm, I've never been a fan of cohabitation so I want to give that part the screw eye.

 

Does anything else get you horny? Like during the day at work do you ever get the usual pangs, or did they go away entirely too? Just trying to figure out if you can point directly at your BF or not.

[emily_m]

Hmmm yeah I tend to agree Jen. I think it's healthy to have your own separate places for a while, but I'm honestly not sure if that would make a difference right now.

 

Thinking about it, I don't ever really feel in the mood. This week I can feel an improvement as I've really tried to not be so caught up in work etc, so I guess I'll see how that goes.

 

Some guys in the past have made me want it all the time...and I can't say it's ever been that way with my bf. I'm not sure what's different except maybe the situation, as it's never involved a relationship so I maybe saw it as more of a fun thing. I possibly am taking it for granted now as I know I can have it any time...

[Revan32]

Thinking about it, I don't ever really feel in the mood. This week I can feel an improvement as I've really tried to not be so caught up in work etc, so I guess I'll see how that goes.

 

Your problem could be hormonal. Stress and other factors can lower testosterone levels in a persons body. I know women don't usually think about their T levels at all, but you do still have it, just in smaller amounts. If a guy was complaining about low sex drive, i'd recommend he started eating better, including plenty of healthy fats which help with T production. Also to exercise more, especially focusing on squats which in my experience has a real effect on T levels. That half stone (7lbs?) isn't much, but extra fat can have a dampening effect on your sex drive as well. Even though thats all often considered man advice, I'd seriously recommend you give it a try for even just a month.

[emily_m]

Thanks Revan, I have thought about diet and exercise too...will definitely be giving it a go

[Revan32]

Thanks Revan, I have thought about diet and exercise too...will definitely be giving it a go

 

You're welcome. Just make sure you don't take my advice, go to the gym and end up doing some typical girl workout. No long runs or treadmill endurance walking! Those just fry your body even more. Try lifting some real weight and especially focusing on those legs!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well there are certain type of girls that are "your type" meaning once cohabitation takes place and the fun and excitement goes away...you feel no rush or thrill in actually keeping a guy...you settle into that comfort zone and in a way become demotivated and disinterested in the relationship, aside from what is convenient for you.

 

So personally, you'd be fine as the side-girl or "FWB" but otherwise too much of a sacrifice for the entire relationship. Once you get into "relationship mode", you kind of lazily sit back and settle into this vegetative type state where you'd always just rather rest and be in comfy clothes, start to care less about your weight and appearance, and mostly hang out at home or watch your favorite TV shows.

 

Whereas if you were single you'd probably lose the weight, go out more and be more motivated/active.

 

You also likely very much miss your own personal space and zone of control, which may unsettle you in living together relationship mode.

 

My theory into "your type" is it's only ever exciting for you when you can't get what you want. And you may find yourself quite more content on your own than you may have thought.

 

If I were him I would personally be withdrawing from the relationship unless I wanted the standardized relationship that many people have which leads into marriage, with no frills or fun and essentially it's just about business, paying bills and living together in this very mediocre relationship.

 

You will eventually exaggerate and use any excuse to cover your disinterest or lack of motivation in the relationship, whether it be for lack of sex, losing weight and whatever else to justify your behavior.

[hudson701]

You can't negotiate genuine desire.

 

Look deep within yourself- perhaps you find many qualities in your boyfriend attractive... But that doesn't necessarily mean they are arousing. Think about it carefully. Arousal is subconscious, unmitigated, cannot be negotiated or bargained with. What in your previous boyfriends did you find so arousing that you wanted it all the time? Work, diet, stress, blah, blah blah are just all excuses. My ex was banging out 12 hour days at work and training for a marathon and she still couldn't keep her hands off me. I was half way through the door and my clothes were coming off. And to be honest, that's what it is all about- anything else is just settling. It's all about the passion, especially after only 4 months!

 

Perhaps you see him more as a good friend instead. You really can't negotiate genuine desire. It's a beautiful but horrible thing at the same time.

[GemmaUK]

Have you not long started on the pill or switched to a different one?

The contraceptive pill can significantly reduce libido.

[emily_m]

I can relate to some of what you say ninja. I'll never be one to let myself go though...I probably care too much about appearance if anything, and the half a stone I've put on is the usual amount I lose and gain occasionally. It's just that usually no one has to see me naked!! I also wouldn't say we have a mediocre relationship, we make each other cry with laughter and are really affectionate and always hugging and kissing each other.

[emily_m]

I haven't started a new pill Gemma, I've been taking the one I'm on now for over 5 years. I have thought of that though

[Gloria25]

I say a couple of things could be happening here...

 

-Too much, too soon. Ok, I don't get how people who barely know each other just move in. I think while you two (like most confused peeps now a days) see moving in as "progress" in a RL, I see it as the contrary. I think the "newness" of the RL (aka "honeymoon period", hornies, lust, emotions, infatuation) has worn off and you two are now finding out you have nothing in common and no genuine desire/attraction towards each other.

 

-Roommates. IMO, lots of shack-ups turn into this...not "lovers", husband/wife, but two people co-habitating and who wants to boink their roommate?

 

So, I recommend moving out and try dating again w/o the pressures to make it work cuz of shacking up and really get to know each other, if there's something there - good, if not, then move on.

[emily_m]

Hi Gloria. I do agree with you on the living situation. I have never lived with a guy before, instead I lived on my own for a few years and have always been independent. My boyfriend's lease was up on his last place and as we were usually always either at his place or mine, it kinda made sense. Plus in a few months time we'll likely be moving on and maybe doing some more travelling.

 

I definitely wouldn't say we have nothing in common, I think we actually make a great couple. Which is why I think it may be something that's going on with me rather than him/us. Maybe living separately for a while longer could help...although I think I'm far too used to being single and having my own space