Matfox Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 So I've been dating this girl for several months and recently found out her stance on hookups. For example she sees nothing wrong with someone losing their virginity to a college hookup. And as prude as it may sound, I do see that as very wrong. I don't have any inclination that she would cheat or anything like that, I do trust this girl. But I'm not sure how I should feel about her stance. Does breaking up over this stance sound harsh? How can I deal with it? It's been bothering me ever since I heard it from her. Thanks!
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 You recognize that she's been brainwashed by media that trivializes sex. If she was "wrong" about some other issue you believed strongly in, would that also cause you to want to break up with her? If so, by all means end this. If not, enjoy debating the topic. You both might learn something about yourselves & each other in the process. 1
minimariah Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) I don't have any inclination that she would cheat or anything like that, I do trust this girl. But I'm not sure how I should feel about her stance. fun fact -- i have the same stance as your girl and never cheated but was cheated on by a good Catholic boy who thought virginity was a holy gift. so there is that. in my personal experience, the "sexually liberated" cheat less than the religious folks who view sexuality as a virtue. Does breaking up over this stance sound harsh? How can I deal with it? my honest opinion - things proably won't work out. i had a similar situation and i didn't see a big deal in losing your virginity to a one night stand but my then partner saw it as something special that should be "done" with the person you love. it's important that you have same views on sex, sexuality in general. trust me, this will eventually turn out to be a really big deal. you just aren't a match, that's all. Edited June 20, 2015 by minimariah 1
spiderowl Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Unfortunately, what you are dealing with is the prevalent culture where young people are indoctrinated with the idea that sex with anyone is no big deal. For some it isn't, for others it is but they have to tell themselves they shouldn't be so prudish. I would not assume that she means what she says, she may just be reflecting attitudes around her. Might be best to get to know her a bit better first and find out how she really feels about such things. Of course it is also worth you thinking how you would feel about what she said if she was male? Would you consider is acceptable for a guy to lose his virginity in a college hook-up? If you do, then why do you judge women differently?
Author Matfox Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 I don't judge men differently. These are my own views, and I'm not religious either.
compulsivedancer Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Did she lose her virginity in a college hookup? If not, then you are considering breaking up with her over something completely hypothetical. Why does it bother you? Would it bother you if she had a one-night stand but wasn't a virgin? Would it bother you if she lost her virginity with a FWB? With a boyfriend? With a crush who dumped her immediately after? I personally think it's really judgmental to be upset with her over this, but if you have deep-seated feelings about number of sexual partners and virginity, I imagine it does signal some differences in attitude toward sexuality and may be a stumbling block in the future. To me, the best course of action would be to talk to her about it and try to find out why she feels the way she feels, whether it's hypothetical or if it's something she or a close friend did, etc. Then evaluate whether this raises any other red flags, or whether it soothes your concerns, and proceed accordingly. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 She could just be fairly non-judgemental irrespective of what she would do herself in the situation - forex, I don't see anything wrong with nudist / naturist ppl; doesn't mean I'd want to do it myself, though... Out of interest, are you both / is she a virgin, and are you worried she might want to lose her V-Card to a college hook-up further down the line? Did your chat sound more like a hypothetical, or more like a possibility for her? 1
Gloria25 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Talk to her, see where she's coming from... It's one thing to make a mistake, but to not own up to it and move forward from it shows a lack of maturity and/or knowledge/morals/character and/or values. So, if after talking to her she has a "whatever" attitude, then maybe you have a decision to make here.... And, who cares if people saying you are "judging" her. People like do default into "judging" when you don't agree with them and/or are defensive about the crap they are pulling. And yeah, while she may not cheat on you - I can see where you are concerned about her lack of wise choices - especially if she can't learn and mature from them. She may not make a wise and/or trustworthy partner - especially if you have kids with her. What morals/values/character is she gonna teach them? So, you have a right to have standards/preferences - but I just say have a decent convo with her before you make up your mind.
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