Polyamory. Who understands the frame of mind?

[nadine5]

Hmmmmm....how to respond to this.

 

Well, I was married for a long time. Totally faithful. Obviously, that marriage ended, and I took a couple of years to get myself back together. Dated a little bit in that time, but nothing even remotely serious.

 

After I came back to life, there was just an abundance of women available. As soon as a I started to get warmed up, I stupidly developed a sort of serious relationship. I wasn't trying to, and I would constantly tell this girl that I wanted nothing to do with relationships or commitment, but she never went away.

 

Feeling like I'm in my prime, and knowing that someday I will be dead, I made the decision that I would not deny myself things from other women. Of course, the 'girlfriend' doesn't know, but it also never interferes in what we have. And if I venture away, it's infrequently and always safe. I have no other vices in life (barely drink, no drugs, no gambling, spend my money smartly, etc), but when it comes to beautiful, sexy women...eapecially if they're of another race/ethnicity/nationality....I'm in trouble.

 

So, I just try to manage it. I know it makes me a sh*tbag...I get it. But life can be short and the best parts of it can be fleeting. I'm no longer willing to give all of that up for some sentimental pipe-dream.

 

Ugh my worst two sports words... Chicago and Sparty...

 

Anyways.

 

The only reason you're a dirtbag is because you've been leading this girl on for so long. Let. Her. Go.

 

...like a gentleman, I may add.

[Brigit]

I was laying back here in hopes this would just be a happy stories thread lol, but I can say as a card carrying polyamorous woman that the only way Chicago can make the claim his theoretical R would be poly is thru the "poly is what I want it to be" attitude. (Which I don't buy.) We don't have to be slaves to definitions, sure, but the basic principal is violated by not being in the open about other sexual/romantic relationships. Lots of ppl have sex with multiple partners, but that's not really what polyamory is.

 

(btw, ftr, I'm poly and 'open,' in case anyone's wondering.)

 

 

I can actually see the "abundance of love" part in he context of not being limited to a single partner, but the "hippie free love" I think speaks to a different sensibility.

 

What's the difference between poly and open? Isn't an open relationship one where you can have different sexual partners but have a main relationship?

 

Do you ever get jealous that your boyfriend sleeps with different women? I'd be climbing the walls...I could hear myself now:

 

"So did you think she was prettier than me???...Is she hotter than me???...You want her more don't you???"

 

(I'd be a nightmare.)

[guest569]

What's the difference between poly and open? Isn't an open relationship one where you can have different sexual partners but have a main relationship?

 

Do you ever get jealous that your boyfriend sleeps with different women? I'd be climbing the walls...I could hear myself now:

 

"So did you think she was prettier than me???...Is she hotter than me???...You want her more don't you???"

 

(I'd be a nightmare.)

 

Whereas poly is to have multiple relationships, not just sex on the side or flings or cheating.

 

I can see it working if I had 2 or 3 partners otherwise if i just had 1 partner who had several i would feel too neglected and maybe a bit rejected.

[katiegrl]

What's the difference between poly and open? Isn't an open relationship one where you can have different sexual partners but have a main relationship?

 

Do you ever get jealous that your boyfriend sleeps with different women? I'd be climbing the walls...I could hear myself now:

 

"So did you think she was prettier than me???...Is she hotter than me???...You want her more don't you???"

 

(I'd be a nightmare.)

 

Well then clearly it would not be a lifestyle for you....IMO for it to "work" everyone needs to be very VERY secure in their *main* relationships ....and within themselves as well.

 

Jealousy and insecurity have no place in poly/open relationships.

 

I will let jen respond to your specifc questions to her.....

[katiegrl]

Whereas poly is to have multiple relationships, not just sex on the side or flings or cheating.

 

I can see it working if I had 2 or 3 partners otherwise if i just had 1 partner who had several i would feel too neglected and maybe a bit rejected.

 

If it's open it's not cheating. Not that you said it was....just clarifying that.

 

Cheating is deceiving/lying your partner...if your partner knows you are having sex with others (open)...then there is no deception.

Edited June 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[guest569]

If it's open it's not cheating. Not that you said it was....just clarifying that.

 

Cheating is deceiving/lying your partner...

 

No, I was just laying out the alternative definitions of polyamory that have been presented here and cheating was one of them.

[katiegrl]

No, I was just laying out the alternative definitions of polyamory that have been presented here and cheating was one of them.

 

Okay got it....

[Leigh 87]

I am in a couple of poly style dating scenarios at this stage in life .

 

The men that I share mutual fireworks and amazing sexual chemistry with either don't want to date me or we aren't compatible despite having in love style feelings for one another.

 

I don't need my own biological kids. No desire. Am happy to adopt. If ever want kids that is.

 

I don't have the biological clock ticking so I date two men with whom I have amazing sparks and white hot chemistry with. I enjoy having lovers that I have that wow factor without commitment, more than I enjoy being intimate with a man who may fall for me and actually want to date me seriously BUT who I lack the spark and intense chemistry with.

 

I foresee that the men I feel intense chemistry with will not likely fall for me, want to date me or be compatible with me so I intend to enjoy deep friendships and amazing sexual chemistry either the men I actually WANT as opposed to " settling " for men I lack the wow factor with but who actually want me.

 

I am really enjoying non committal fun... I'm genuinly friends with both men. We share intense chemistry and we both really love spending time together.

 

It is so much more fulfilling than my ex for instance who actually adored me on THAT level yet happy I had mediocre sex with. I didn't even give him a head job in ten months because I just wasn't that into him on a sexual level. ......... Sad.

 

I left my devoted ex because I enjoy having lovers who I actually feel intense chemistry with. It suffocated me staying with a man who may want me but I lack the zing with. I always yearned for other then whilst with him which want fair to him hence why I dumped him. Oh and I wanted to get my sexual needs met. Life's too short for some of us to want to settle for partners we aren't wildly attracted to!

 

It's really that simple. Some women would together enjoy men they are wildly attracted to as opposed to settling for a man who may want them and who may adore them on every level yet who she lacks the spark with.

 

That's my story. It will sting when these men find women they truly fall for and want to be with, but my life is significantly enhanced with amazing sexual chemistry with the men I get along with and look super forward to seeing and hearing from.

 

 

I'd rather have a monogamous exclusive relationship that entails marriage and possibly kids one day but it likely won't happen for me with a man I share amazing intense chemistry with so I am happier with shorter lived lovers.

 

I go after what u want the men who make my heart skip a beat abd give me butterflies and who I am dying to make out with like a teenager.

 

If what I want is poly in nature and short lived the that's just the way it has to be.

 

It's a heck of a lot better have than being monogamous with the partners who may adore you but who u will just cheat on or leave once you find a man you are wildly attracted to.

[guest569]

I am in a couple of poly style dating scenarios at this stage in life .

 

The men that I share mutual fireworks and amazing sexual chemistry with either don't want to date me or we aren't compatible despite having in love style feelings for one another.

 

See, i interpret polyamory - the "amor" bit as actual love rather than "lover" is it just me? But I guess relationships dont always require love style feelings.

[Leigh 87]

From my perspective, having non monogamous while relationships is more honest than getting one party to fall hard ad grow invested only to be left heart broken when the partner who " settled " meets someone they are wildly attracted to. The two men I sleep with and date don't expect anything from me. Nor I them. No one gets hurt. A small sting when these men find a woman they have feelings for enough for them to want to commit to is still better than years if abstinence or having to settle for men I'm not feeling sparks with.

 

I broke my exes heart because I never felt the spark or wild attraction for him. I left after ten months because I am just not the type of woman who is satisfied with mediocre or low sexual chemistry.

 

I would have rather just gone after the men I was into and enjoyed being lovers with them. Settling for what is available isn't always enjoyable or ideal. another valid argument that supports polygamy is not all women want kids now a days so I foresee that more and more women will start to just go after the chemistry they desire with the men they want and learn to non invest and enjoy their time with men they are actually into sexually. As opposed to settling for the men who adore them but they lack the spark for.

 

So if I wanted a family biologically or otherwise then I wouldn't recommend poly style dating scenarios or relationships. I'd need to settle for one of the men who wants me but who doesn't make my heart skip a beat. A man who I skip the infatuation and limerence phase with. Thank god I don't need to have kids because a part of me would die inside if I had to skip the lust heavy honeymoon stage where u couldn't keep my hands off a man.

 

You do tend to detach and it probably isn't healthy that I switch off, enjoy the moment and have romantic feelings for more than one man. I pick men I COULD fall head over heels for...... But I don't allow myself to fall hard enough to care when me or the guys find someone we just HAVE to be with. I'll be a little upset due to my ego... but that's all.

 

This could prove to be a challenge once I find a man... IF i ever find a man who I not only share the divine spark with but who actually adores me and feels very strongly for me ON TOP of our amazing chemistry. ...if I ever find such a man I share intense chemistry with and we also fall for each other, I will start out expecting the man to just not want to date me... I won't get invested or attached easily since all the men I've EVER had the potential to fall hard for, haven't wanted me.

 

So I'll be stunned if one of the men I'm wildly attracted to actually wants me and only me long term. So shocked that I likely won't buy into it until months and months.... I'll just be new to me.

[Leigh 87]

See, i interpret polyamory - the "amor" bit as actual love rather than "lover" is it just me? But I guess relationships dont always require love style feelings.

 

I go after what I want.

 

The men I am lovers with and good friends with, are men I feel tor wow factor, the spark, fireworks and intense chemistry with on all levels.

 

These are the men who I COULD fall madly in love with. Without limerence and the in love feelings I don't want to to grow love and bypass the wild sexual attraction and chemistry. I just don't allow myself to fall as hard as I potentially could with these men since I know they won't commit. I search for new partners who I have the wow factor with AND who will also adore me and fall for me enough to want to date me.

 

You can't invest in partners who, for whatever reason, don't feel compelled to commit to you. You enjoy the moment and continue hoping to meet a partner who you not only share wild attraction for, but who wants to be with you.

 

It's easy for a girl like me to find men who are wildly attracted to me and me them..... It's easy to find intense chemistry.... That type of chemistry that is necessary to fall MADLY in love...... But it's not feasible for most of us in our life time to have that sort of chemistry MUTUALLY accompanied by true feelings from both parties.

 

My parents moved overseas when I was little to make a lot of money in order to set me.up for life. I am close to my parents but because of my up brining I find it relatively easy to emotionally detach as it stands. I stopped investing in the men that I would like to date but can't since the don't want to date me seriously, and just enjoyed the ride and amazing mind blowing sex.

 

I find it better to enjoy sex with men I have rapport with....history with....a genuine friendship with..and those " in love " feelings with than it is to have casual sex and ONS. It's a nice warm blanket until I find the ONE........

 

My style won't work with most women because when that type of chemistry is present one or both people always end up falling in love.

 

In my mind, monogamy isn't natural unless you find that one in a million person who u share absolutely amazing and wild sexual attraction for AND who ends up being your best friend in addition to a steamy lover.

 

It feels more natural to me to fall for more than one man. But not totally fall for them since you can't invest long....this it does settling for a mediocre chemistry man. While I dated the mediocre chemistry men it did NOT feel natural to be with them and only them. I always longed to feel the spark.

 

I would rather monogamy with a man I fall mutually madly in love with. It likely won't happen on my lifetime so I prefer at least being with the men I am into however short the time with them is.

 

So I would basically rather get what I want and makes me most happy. For me, number one would be a monogamous relationship that ends up in marriage. Second best is at least being lovers with the men my every actually wants. Third would be setting for a man whoso lack the passion for but I can at least get mediocre sex with. Fourth is abstinence.

 

I can't tell you how many men want to cheat on their partners with me. I decline. Or as soon as I figure it out I stop with these men. They all confess that they wished they felt the spark and wild desire for their partners and this why they cheat.

[Leigh 87]

See, i interpret polyamory - the "amor" bit as actual love rather than "lover" is it just me? But I guess relationships dont always require love style feelings.

 

I'm capable of being in love with more than one person.

 

But thst is limerence and chemistry.. That's the IN love part. And it can happen with more than one person in some cases.

 

 

True love is different. It's falling madly in love initially and then also growing to love them on all levels.... Being there for that person no matter what.

 

I think I would find it hard to fall hard and fall IN love, grow to also love them in the long term sense and then grow extremely attached AND THEN fall for someone else. I wouldn't allow myself to be in that position. If walk away from other men who I felt the spark for. I'd want to safe guard what I had.

 

These two men are not serious with me though so while I am in love with both, I am not attached, bonded or too emotionally involved to the point where I want to safe guard what we have together..

[Methodical]

The two men I sleep with and date don't expect anything from me. Nor I them. No one gets hurt. A small sting when these men find a woman they have feelings for enough for them to want to commit to is still better than years if abstinence or having to settle for men I'm not feeling sparks with.

 

But I don't allow myself to fall hard enough to care when me or the guys find someone we just HAVE to be with. I'll be a little upset due to my ego... but that's all.

 

What you describe sounds like my definition of a FB, because there are no commitments, no strings attached, no expectations, no one gets hurt other than a bruised ego.

 

 

Poly relationships involve multiple partners with sexual and/or romantic, commitments, and all parties are aware of each other and consent.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I like the idea of polyamory, abundance of love, hippie free love kind of thing. Life has had me moving around in the last 5 years (even more if you add in college years) so I've had several relationships with expiration dates. I plan an extensive relocation yet again in a year but I'm not going to just stay celibate until then. It's cool to have a quality relationship and leave on good terms; I know several women in various places who are happy to see me and be intimate when I'm back in their area.

 

In fact, I'm preparing my life and career to allow certain freedom with my schedule and the money for serious traveling. It's been a dream of mine for a good decade and it's finally approaching. I enjoy cultures and love the uniqueness of individuals. Why connect and be close with only one person in your life? This even extends to men in my life. Why not have a network of close, connected, male friends who are scattered around the world? I already have several after living with an African, 2 Greeks (one who moved to Panama with his wife), and a Russian/Uzbek. Plus world travel is way more exciting when meeting up with old friends.

 

I know many women won't be able to handle their insecurity and jealousy but some will get it. I'm perfectly happy to have a committed long term relationship and she's my girl 90% of the time; But she won't be the only important person in my life. She'll understand that I have a great connection with Monica, and when I'm travelling in France for a week we're going to spend intimate time together.

 

Anyone else share some of these ways of thinking?

 

 

Nope.

 

And while I understand and respect that YOU feel this way and that you don't mind having sex with all kinds of different women in all different ports around the world, it's something that I'd NEVER want to partake in. My heart and my body don't roll that way. I only want to devote my love, my affection, my emotions, my sexual intimacy and significant time spent together with only ONE guy.

 

And contrary to what you believe, when a woman thinks and feels the way that I do, it has nothing to do with her being 'insecure' or 'jealous'. Because, IF I felt as you do, I could do the same poly thing and have all kinds of guys with which to have sex with (yuk). Because of me wanting to be with only ONE guy sexually, physically and emotionally, I will only date and enter into a relationship with a guy who felt the exact same way that I do. Some women (and many men feel this way as well) do NOT want to "share" her guy with multiple women. Not only is that dangerous health-wise, but it's just her preference - the same way that guys like you have a preference to boink every female in every country or place that they visit. If your gf is fine with her being important to you "90%" of the time while the other "10%" of your time will be spent screwing other women, then that is her choice to make. God bless her.

 

 

 

 

.

[Leigh 87]

But I don't allow myself to fall hard enough to care when me or the guys find someone we just HAVE to be with. I'll be a little upset due to my ego... but that's all.

 

What you describe sounds like my definition of a FB, because there are no commitments, no strings attached, no expectations, no one gets hurt other than a bruised ego.

 

 

Poly relationships involve multiple partners with sexual and/or romantic, commitments, and all parties are aware of each other and consent.

 

We go on dates and are good friends. So friends with benefits who date and go on dates too.

 

There are romantic feelings involved. Just not enough from them to warrant the settling down we it me. So i shut my emotions out to a large extent and enjoy the men I actually want as opposed to being monogamous and settling for a man who may want me but who doesn't give me butterflies.

[Leigh 87]

Nope.

 

And while I understand and respect that YOU feel this way and that you don't mind having sex with all kinds of different women in all different ports around the world, it's something that I'd NEVER want to partake in. My heart and my body don't roll that way. I only want to devote my love, my affection, my emotions, my sexual intimacy and significant time spent together with only ONE guy.

 

And contrary to what you believe, when a woman thinks and feels the way that I do, it has nothing to do with her being 'insecure' or 'jealous'. Because, IF I felt as you do, I could do the same poly thing and have all kinds of guys with which to have sex with (yuk). Because of me wanting to be with only ONE guy sexually, physically and emotionally, I will only date and enter into a relationship with a guy who felt the exact same way that I do. Some women (and many men feel this way as well) do NOT want to "share" her guy with multiple women. Not only is that dangerous health-wise, but it's just her preference - the same way that guys like you have a preference to boink every female in every country or place that they visit. If your gf is fine with her being important to you "90%" of the time while the other "10%" of your time will be spent screwing other women, then that is her choice to make. God bless her.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

I'd rather have the one man but the men I am into don't happen to want me and I'd rather avoid years of abstinence or settling for a man that doesn't get my heart racing.

 

That's why I settle for the next best best thing under true love with a man I'm madly in love with mutually. I pick the men I could fall hard for. About two. And enjoy dating sex and friendship with them.

 

It beats being abstinent for years or settling for a guy who I feel mediocre passion for.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I'd rather have the one man but the men I am into don't happen to want me and I'd rather avoid years of abstinence or settling for a man that doesn't get my heart racing.

 

That's why I settle for the next best best thing under true love with a man I'm madly in love with mutually. I pick the men I could fall hard for. About two. And enjoy dating sex and friendship with them.

 

It beats being abstinent for years or settling for a guy who I feel mediocre passion for.

 

Well, since that works for you, then it's all good (for you). Personally, I'd rather be abstinent for however long it takes until I meet someone special than to have meaningless and empty sex with a guy (or guys) that I don't have an emotional connection with. If I ever become that hard up to feel sexual or to have an orgasm, I can take that matter into my own hands. I have never been (and never will be) that desperate for sex. Sharing sexual intimacy with a guy is something that I want - it's not something that I need.

 

And, I'd never 'settle' for any guy that I don't feel a physical/sexual attraction to and don't click with personality-wise. Settling for someone that I don't have that emotional or chemistry connection with isn't fair to him or to me.

 

 

 

.

[katiegrl]

 

We go on dates and are good friends. So friends with benefits who date and go on dates too.

 

There are romantic feelings involved. Just not enough from them to warrant the settling down we it me. So i shut my emotions out to a large extent and enjoy the men I actually want as opposed to being monogamous and settling for a man who may want me but who doesn't give me butterflies.

 

Leigh....what you describe is not polyamory....those in poly relationships love each other, are committed to each other (emotionally/mentally/spiritually)...and are aware and accepting of each other's *other* "relationships".....and their secondary partners are aware of their partner's main "relationship."

 

The men you get sexually involved with don't love you, don't want a relationship with you....and probably aren't aware of each other either....which apparently you are okay with....which is fine.

 

And although you feel intense chemistry with these men, the fact remains, there is no "love," no "relationship," you are essentially a "fu*k buddy" or FWB.....which has nothing to do with poly.

 

What you are is multi-sexual (not judging)....which again is not poly.

[Leigh 87]

 

Leigh....what you describe is not polyamory....those in poly relationships love each other, are committed to each other (emotionally/mentally/spiritually)...and are aware and accepting of each other's *other* "relationships".....and their secondary partners are aware of their partner's main "relationship."

 

The men you get sexually involved with don't love you, don't want a relationship with you....and probably aren't aware of each other either....which apparently you are okay with....which is fine.

 

And although you feel intense chemistry with these men, the fact remains, there is no "love," no "relationship," you are essentially a "fu*k buddy" or FWB.....which has nothing to do with poly.

 

What you are is multi-sexual (not judging)....which again is not poly.

 

 

There are some feelings present. The sex isn't meaningless.

 

We are just not madly in love with each other.

 

And I couldn't have a poly relationship. I couldn't be totally devoted to a man and shag others.

[Leigh 87]

Well, since that works for you, then it's all good (for you). Personally, I'd rather be abstinent for however long it takes until I meet someone special than to have meaningless and empty sex with a guy (or guys) that I don't have an emotional connection with. If I ever become that hard up to feel sexual or to have an orgasm, I can take that matter into my own hands. I have never been (and never will be) that desperate for sex. Sharing sexual intimacy with a guy is something that I want - it's not something that I need.

 

And, I'd never 'settle' for any guy that I don't feel a physical/sexual attraction to and don't click with personality-wise. Settling for someone that I don't have that emotional or chemistry connection with isn't fair to him or to me.

 

 

 

.

 

 

The sex isn't meaningless or empty from my end. I have feelings. I just don't allow myself to fall madly in love.

 

I've fallen in love with one of the men bank in January. So we stopped because I wanted more than he did.

[guest569]

 

 

There are some feelings present. The sex isn't meaningless.

 

We are just not madly in love with each other.

 

And I couldn't have a poly relationship. I couldn't be totally devoted to a man and shag others.

 

In a poly relationship you might be devoted to several men. Its different to a FWB or an open relationship. It might seem like i am splitting hairs to some, but I am much more open to polyamory and FWBs than open relationships. I would NEVER part take in the one you had described of being devoted to one but screwing others on the side

Edited June 21, 2015 by smiley1

[Erised]

The sex isn't meaningless or empty from my end. I have feelings. I just don't allow myself to fall madly in love.

 

I've fallen in love with one of the men bank in January. So we stopped because I wanted more than he did.

 

 

So, that's more friends with benefits... a type of open relationship but not poly. You go out, you have fun, you talk a lot, you have sex, but there's no commitment or plans moving forward.

 

A poly relationship is not at risk of ending because you met someone new, typically. It's not something that tides you over. It's a real relationship where you are moving forward together.

 

I know lots of poly people, and people in other types of relationships. Seems great, but you have to be MORE mature, MORE open, talk about everything... for it to work without explosion. There's people who do it well, and people who don't. Many who do it well, learned from doing it not so well in the past.

[Winterina]

Anything goes AS LONG AS all the people involved know from day one what is going on.

 

 

Otherwise, it is just a plane old sleazy cheating.

 

 

Also, in such "relationships" you don't REALLY love any person. I recon, none of them would get a kidney from you if they needed it. You would not exactly put anyone's interests ahead of your own and you are not truly interested in putting everything else aside for the wellbeing of other person.

 

 

So yes, it is a kind of free love, no commitment, no responsibility, just pleasure and when things get tough you take off... It is pure hedonism. And it all is fine as long as your partners know right from the start what you are into and what you are doing.

 

 

You will lose those banging partners though as soon as they find a guy that loves them for real. You will not matter for another second after that.

[jen1447]

Wow, you all have been busy discussing!

 

What's the difference between poly and open? Isn't an open relationship one where you can have different sexual partners but have a main relationship?

 

Do you ever get jealous that your boyfriend sleeps with different women? I'd be climbing the walls...I could hear myself now:

 

"So did you think she was prettier than me???...Is she hotter than me???...You want her more don't you???"

 

(I'd be a nightmare.)

 

Whereas poly is to have multiple relationships, not just sex on the side or flings or cheating.

 

I can see it working if I had 2 or 3 partners otherwise if i just had 1 partner who had several i would feel too neglected and maybe a bit rejected.

 

Brigit, you're right - poly is (in my interpretation anyway) having multiple romantic relationships at the same time, and open is where you're free to explore sexually outside those relationship(s). Since this is the topic, I'll explain my own situation ....

 

Right now I have 4 romantic relationships, 3 women and 1 guy. I can also have sexual relationships with any other women I choose to. My BF can't do that, but my GFs can - again, with other women. These are admittedly arbitrary 'rules,' but they actually developed as a result of the conditions and the wants/needs of the people involved, not as a plan going in. (So if it seems particularly devious or unfair from the outside, it's not.) My BF forex doesn't want to sleep with anyone else or have any other romances, but he knows my needs and doesn't mind if I do. (In fact he encourages it.) There may be unusual exceptions here and there depending on things that happen, and I should point out too that my need for openness is mainly due to having shall we say um an extremely high libido and an insatiable love and appreciation for all things female. (Bscly I made the decision some time ago that I simply wasn't going to make myself do without that in life, much like Leigh's feelings about her multiple guys.)

 

So given that, jealousy's not an issue w/regard to my BF. I know we don't really know each other very well on here so some things just need to be explained directly - if you knew me you'd know that jealousy wouldn't be an issue for me anyway, so if BF actually wanted to, I'd consider it. (Long story short - there are other social and sexual dynamics at play here as well that tend to dictate or influence the outcomes, but probably shouldn't be discussed here unless you really want to get into them specifically.)

 

The most important thing to know in my case tho is that everyone involved is completely informed of everything and consents. There's no sneaking around. That's one beneficial side effect I've found from honest polyamory btw - it pretty much completely eliminates any 'sneaking' impulse you might have, bc there's simply no need for it. It dies off from lack of use.

 

Well then clearly it would not be a lifestyle for you....IMO for it to "work" everyone needs to be very VERY secure in their *main* relationships ....and within themselves as well.

 

Jealousy and insecurity have no place in poly/open relationships.

 

I will let jen respond to your specifc questions to her.....

 

Absolutely, jealousy and insecurity will play hell in poly situations. I think there are very few people who are absolutely secure in themselves, so it's always a bit of a lurking risk, but I'm fortunate tho in that I've got a strong enough personality that I can carry a lot of that for other people. Bscly I make the people I'm with feel more secure (which might seem counter-intuitive given what's going on, haha), I suppose thru my absolute honesty and transparency, uninhibited love, and I suppose just force of will. Effective poly needs a strong central character at the core imo, and in my situation that happens to be me. I hold it all together. Go team Jen!

 

See, i interpret polyamory - the "amor" bit as actual love rather than "lover" is it just me? But I guess relationships dont always require love style feelings.

 

What you describe sounds like my definition of a FB, because there are no commitments, no strings attached, no expectations, no one gets hurt other than a bruised ego.

 

 

Poly relationships involve multiple partners with sexual and/or romantic, commitments, and all parties are aware of each other and consent.

 

I'm reluctant to presume to speak for Leigh, mainly just bc I know the dangers of doing that in general, but to me it does sound more like a FWB situation for her. That said, I can see what she's saying about how her Rs are more than just sex-and-go, being as she hangs out w/her guys and likes them and has friendships, etc. I'm fine w/her calling that polyamory if it works for her. I think the most important component is the honesty, which she has, so it's all good.

[Hopeful30]

Thats not polyamory though. Thats an open relationship. Polyamory is when you genuinely love two or more people and are in a relationship with all of them at the same time.

 

What you're describing is the freedom to sleep with others while in a relationship.