spiderowl Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that a lot of guys who try online dating lack communication skills. Some seem to be able to do little other than say 'Would you like to meet?' Getting to know them a bit by texting/talking before meeting seems beyond them. Others don't seem to have basic conversation skills such as asking a question. They make statements and expect a convo to continue somehow. Another guy I've exchanged a few texts with asks 'Hi, how are you?' and then when I reply, he replies with something like I'm just chilling' or a bunch of kisses. Some messages seem to consist of nothing but kisses or smileys. Surely any intelligent guy would understand that there has to be a bit of back and forth convo in some form for you to get an idea of the person, not just for the sake of it? I know some guys only want to meet and don't want to bother with exchanging messages or texts, but I try and filter them out quickly anyway because I'm not going to meet a total stranger. On the whole, it seems rare for guys to know how to conduct a conversation. I just end up giving up on them. 3
Robert Z Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that a lot of guys who try online dating lack communication skills. Some seem to be able to do little other than say 'Would you like to meet?' Getting to know them a bit by texting/talking before meeting seems beyond them. Others don't seem to have basic conversation skills such as asking a question. They make statements and expect a convo to continue somehow. Another guy I've exchanged a few texts with asks 'Hi, how are you?' and then when I reply, he replies with something like I'm just chilling' or a bunch of kisses. Some messages seem to consist of nothing but kisses or smileys. Surely any intelligent guy would understand that there has to be a bit of back and forth convo in some form for you to get an idea of the person, not just for the sake of it? I know some guys only want to meet and don't want to bother with exchanging messages or texts, but I try and filter them out quickly anyway because I'm not going to meet a total stranger. On the whole, it seems rare for guys to know how to conduct a conversation. I just end up giving up on them. Ignoring the US education system... I got tired of trying to make small talk with an LCD screen. I quickly realized that I might as well make a list of standard questions because after X number of contacts, it is hard to be spontaneous. It is a lousy way to meet people. I just met with a young lady who said she was thrilled to meet someone who actually talks! But then the one who just left me says that sometimes I won't shut up!!! :laugh: :laugh: Edited June 20, 2015 by Robert Z 1
central Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I've concluded that many women using OLD lack communication skills. If they message first, it's often "Hi" and nothing more. If there are subsequent emails, they may answer a direct question but never ask any - the communication dies rapidly. 7
Maleficent Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) I think it goes further than that. It's common knowldge that women receive more messages than they can keep up with. I have no idea if it's true - personally I didn't receive many messages if at all... But I think a lot of men nowadays wait for the woman to show interest and when she doesn't make her part of the effort they pull back. I can't say I blame them. With all the women complaining about receiving too many messages and that they being harrassed, most of them most likely prefer to not insist. I'm not really active on OLD at the moment but when I was, I was usually the one to suggest we meet over coffee... Edited June 20, 2015 by Maleficent
Popsicle Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that a lot of guys who try online dating lack communication skills. Some seem to be able to do little other than say 'Would you like to meet?' Getting to know them a bit by texting/talking before meeting seems beyond them. Others don't seem to have basic conversation skills such as asking a question. They make statements and expect a convo to continue somehow. Another guy I've exchanged a few texts with asks 'Hi, how are you?' and then when I reply, he replies with something like I'm just chilling' or a bunch of kisses. Some messages seem to consist of nothing but kisses or smileys. Surely any intelligent guy would understand that there has to be a bit of back and forth convo in some form for you to get an idea of the person, not just for the sake of it? I know some guys only want to meet and don't want to bother with exchanging messages or texts, but I try and filter them out quickly anyway because I'm not going to meet a total stranger. On the whole, it seems rare for guys to know how to conduct a conversation. I just end up giving up on them. At least you get kisses and smileys. I just get Hi want to meet? And that's it.
Author spiderowl Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 I've concluded that many women using OLD lack communication skills. If they message first, it's often "Hi" and nothing more. If there are subsequent emails, they may answer a direct question but never ask any - the communication dies rapidly. Same issue really
Author spiderowl Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 At least you get kisses and smileys. I just get Hi want to meet? And that's it. I sympathise honestly. I also get the 'hi, want to meet?' messages but unless they can manage a back and forth convo, there is no point continuing for me. You can't have a conversation with just kisses. I got a bit frustrated with that guy; he sent me several texts with just kisses and there was hardly any other convo at all. What is the point of that? Just shows he can't be bothered.
compulsivedancer Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I had a guy ask how I was. I gave him a total conversation-starter by mentioning that I'd taken my cat for a walk. Didn't even bite, just asked a different question. Really?? How do you not at least ask a follow-up question to that? Although actually, in two days on Tinder, I had 8 matches. 6 ended up contacting me (one unmatched me), and three were decent conversationalists. I ended up meeting two of them, and I'm still dating one of them three months later. No complaints here!
thefooloftheyear Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I sympathize with the OP and understand the concern...If we take out the trolls just looking for an easy lay, I do think however, that part or what you are seeing is just typical male behavior.. Its funny how this ties into other real life scenarios...As a business person, I regularly deal with a variety of men and women for the services we provide..I have no issue either way, but it usually is far easier dealing with men..They know what they want, generally just trust you. and act decisively and swiftly with little or no banter..Women require the full disclosure and seemingly endless discussions and back and forth.. I dunno...maybe put something in your bio to elicit more dialogue..?? TFY 1
salparadise Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that a lot of guys who try online dating lack communication skills. I agree. I happen to excel at communication, get first messages and compliments often on having a well written profile, and have no problem getting initial dates. I perform credibly during early dates as well. My problem is that I don't have high wealth/status, or ability to offer an attractive lifestyle upgrade for the quality of women I'm able to attract initially with communication. And don't look like a movie star or GQ model... the ones for whom mere communication is enough are not typically attractive. Everyone is holding out for what they think they deserve and nobody seems to be getting what they want. Even at an age after reproduction is a factor, everyone is still trying to optimize. Hotness vs. lifestyle is what it all boils down to... and everybody is such a tough negotiator that very few deals are happening. Edited June 21, 2015 by salparadise 1
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I sympathize with the OP and understand the concern...If we take out the trolls just looking for an easy lay, I do think however, that part or what you are seeing is just typical male behavior.. Its funny how this ties into other real life scenarios...As a business person, I regularly deal with a variety of men and women for the services we provide..I have no issue either way, but it usually is far easier dealing with men..They know what they want, generally just trust you. and act decisively and swiftly with little or no banter..Women require the full disclosure and seemingly endless discussions and back and forth.. I dunno...maybe put something in your bio to elicit more dialogue..?? TFY Ok, I get the old generalisations re men and women, but that doesn't explain men just texting kisses and smileys, surely??? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Ok, I get the old generalisations re men and women, but that doesn't explain men just texting kisses and smileys, surely??? I went back and read the OP...I must have missed that part... Yeah, does seem weird....I'll admit to knowing absolutely nothing of OLD and and how things work in that venue... Low intelligence?? TFY
GravityMan Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) I agree OP, and it's not really much of a surprise. Most single men (and women) who have decent people skills and can carry on a conversation tend to regularly find dating prospects offline IRL with little or no difficulty. No need for those types to resort to online dating (and those that do tend to do alright on dating sites.) Communication skills are a pretty essential factor in a person's ability to be able to connect emotionally with other people, and to relate to other people. Those who are socially inept will have a harder time integrating with society - be it friendships, dating, job/career and so on. I think that a lot of the people who lack communication skills didn't spend enough time during their critical formative years interacting, going out, spending time and having all sorts of conversations and activities with all sorts of people...friends, classmates, teachers, girls/women around their age and on and on. For some of them, it's because they're just shy...but for others, it's because they lack interest in getting to know other people. Communication is one of those things that you gradually develop via a lot of repetition and a lot of exposure to various life experiences. It also builds up your self-confidence. It also helps one learn and understand how human interaction REALLY works, instead of what you see on TV/movies. (A decent upbringing helps too.) It's important for people to learn & build up social and people skills while still young...before you get too set in your ways. Edited June 21, 2015 by GravityMan 2
Popsicle Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I had a guy ask how I was. I gave him a total conversation-starter by mentioning that I'd taken my cat for a walk. Didn't even bite, just asked a different question. Really?? How do you not at least ask a follow-up question to that? Hilarious. 2
BlueIris Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that a lot of guys who try online dating lack communication skills. Some seem to be able to do little other than say 'Would you like to meet?' Getting to know them a bit by texting/talking before meeting seems beyond them. Others don't seem to have basic conversation skills such as asking a question. They make statements and expect a convo to continue somehow. Another guy I've exchanged a few texts with asks 'Hi, how are you?' and then when I reply, he replies with something like I'm just chilling' or a bunch of kisses. Some messages seem to consist of nothing but kisses or smileys. Surely any intelligent guy would understand that there has to be a bit of back and forth convo in some form for you to get an idea of the person, not just for the sake of it? I know some guys only want to meet and don't want to bother with exchanging messages or texts, but I try and filter them out quickly anyway because I'm not going to meet a total stranger. On the whole, it seems rare for guys to know how to conduct a conversation. I just end up giving up on them. There are a LOT of men who either couldn't converse or had no interest in it, considered it a waste of their time. Any guy who considered conversation a waste of time was instantly out. It's a good initial filter. Imagine marrying someone who can't or won't converse, or sees it as effort. 3
bu2002 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 How a person communicates with OLD messages vs. how they communicate IRL may be two different things. What creates the chasm with OLD is how seriously each party is taking it in the first place. That's why we're seeing group of women who feel there are men who don't communicate well as well vice versa. When reading profiles, it's real easy to determine who is taking OLD seriously, and who isn't. I only email women whose profile is complete and thorough, where it looked like they put effort into it with regard to their written portion and pictures, similar to what I've done. This usually leads to many conversation hooks and thus when I email, there's some quality convo or banter. If I see a profile consisting of one photo and two sentences, there's zero chance I'm sending a message, even if that one photo is very pretty. I know from the get go this isn't going anywhere and this person doesn't give a crap about OLD and trying to half-ass their way through it. 1
mrs rubble Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 My 22yo son was complaining about the same thing from a 21yo girl who has asked him out!! He also mentioned her spelling was sloppy and that put him off, as well as wanting to meet before learning much about her. So it's not a gender specific complaint- it was so much easier before online dating! 2
Author spiderowl Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 There are a LOT of men who either couldn't converse or had no interest in it, considered it a waste of their time. Any guy who considered conversation a waste of time was instantly out. It's a good initial filter. Imagine marrying someone who can't or won't converse, or sees it as effort. I have to agree with this. If a guy says he just wants to meet straightaway and can't be bothered texting or phoning, then at the very least it says he has no patience. What would a guy like that be like in real life? I would imagine - impatient, lacking in conversation, unlikely to become attached or fall in love, not bothered with foreplay and a rollover and turn over afterwards kind of guy. That's my sense of the situation anyway and why I won't bother with such a guy.
toscaroscura Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Actually, I'm one who prefers "Hey, let's meet!" I used to like texting for a while then calling etc., but I found that doing that a few times just led to inflated expectations. In every case, the in-person chemistry was terrible, and it felt like we had lost more than we really did, because we had built up that false intimacy. My problem has been guys who DON'T say "Hey, let's meet!" They will dance around the bush and seem to want perpetual text friends. 1
ascendotum Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I've concluded that many women using OLD lack communication skills. If they message first, it's often "Hi" and nothing more. If there are subsequent emails, they may answer a direct question but never ask any - the communication dies rapidly. I agree. I won't deny what the OP posts as I had read other women's complaints of this when I used OLD, and I don't contact guys so I can't really tell, but with my experiences on OLD, the exact same complaint can be directed back on women (not all but more often than not).
joseb Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I have to agree with this. If a guy says he just wants to meet straightaway and can't be bothered texting or phoning, then at the very least it says he has no patience. What would a guy like that be like in real life? I would imagine - impatient, lacking in conversation, unlikely to become attached or fall in love, not bothered with foreplay and a rollover and turn over afterwards kind of guy. That's my sense of the situation anyway and why I won't bother with such a guy. Actually, it might just be that he is not interested in messaging incessantly and wants to meet people IRL. OK, maybe not ask to meet with 1st message, but I don't really see the point of days or weeks messaging someone. I'm too old for a pen pal. 1
Gloria25 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Gotta love the ones that don't include their name, so I'll respond like "Hi (you didn't send me your name)", what's up? Yes, I'm one for not carrying out long-winded convos (even though I'm a woman), but yes, one sentence that has no connection to anything? I just don't respond and am "next". I know it's hard to have a two-way convo on e-mails back/forth - but then suggest we chat online in realtime and/or phone
GemmaUK Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Bit of a different angle here but I had a quick look the other day to check out the guy's profiles in my area and in their forties (my age range) on a date site. There were some that were real sentences but in the first page I found profiles that had just the following as the 'write up': '............' 'will fill this in later will fill this in later will fill this in later' 'ask me ask me ask me ask me' 'hcneo jhgi egayr hgeop hutfe' '???????????????????' 'xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx' 'oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox' I get a feeling I would struggle to communicate.... lol! 1
salparadise Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Just another example of how OLD actually makes it harder to find someone. Twenty years ago, how someone prefers to use OLD would not be a factor in deciding compatibility. Here's what I believe is the difference, one simple but monumtal thing- the order of operations are reversed and/or circumvented. In real life, if we encounter say 1000 people in a day we might find fifty of them attractive, and there might be expressed mutual attraction with five. Of those five we might have the opportunity to speak to one or two, some days, none on other days. Perhaps every few months we encounter someone to whom we are highly attracted and have some means of interaction with that gives us those butterfly feelings, oft referred to as chemistry... then, you go on dates, get nekkid and make babies. When we find that chemistry with someone it doesn't matter what their hobbies and favorite color are; we do the horizontal bop, get that oxytocin flowing and go totally delusional... like nature intended. But we are just naive enough to think that we can join an online dating site, reverse this order and it should work just as well. We browse profiles instead of being in actual proximity, we send winks and short messages trying to catch someone's (anyone's for men, top fivers for women) eye based on a random assortment of pixels, hobbies and favorite color, and a paragraph or two of self-aggrandizing prose. If two people have done a good job at creating an overblown sense of optimism in the other, they meet for coffee and are both disappointed that the butterfly chemistry wasn't there, they weren't physically attracted, and conversation didn't flow like a waterfall. Then both go home and masturbate to porn and get up the next day and post on the internet about how the other person over-represented themselves, and how flawed all the people on OLD are. The natural order is to filter subconsciously and go with the feeling. On OLD we try to select by information, generate an illusion by artificial means, and then wonder why chemistry is so illusive. A few people either get lucky, a few just go with the delusion, but a most are left frustrated and blame all kinds of stuff unrelated to their circumventing of nature's processes. And of course, The Paradox of Choice is a huge factor in the process as well. 2
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