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He stopped talking to me because I contacted his ex for clarity

MariaMars

By MariaMars
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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Dec 2014 I visited my LDR (now ex) for 2 1/2 days. Those were the only days he could offer but I took it because it been 3 years and I really wanted to see him. I flew to him. I paid more money for our trip. It was great and I gave him my virginity and all of that. He took me to many places, etc.

 

2 months later I was looking through his Facebook and did not like how his female friends called him hottie, sexy. etc. He said I was being insecure and I snapped. I told him that I just felt uncomfortable and he said 'I guess I can't have friends" and that I was controlling, etc.

 

2 months later he broke up with me because there was a lot of uncertainty of our future and A LOT of arguments. It was impulsive, he kept comparing me to his abusive (he claimed she's abusive) ex I never meet. I had it and decided to move on and stopped talking to him.

 

After a month he emailed "I miss you" "I truly miss you" Happy Birthday Mary", "I hope you're OK". I was in Miami (on vacation) when he emailed all of this. I needed a break and he kept doing this.

 

May 20th I decided to contact him for closure. He immediately said we were twin flames and that he wants to take things slow and that he was sorry. I did not agree to start over like that but I told him I could offer a friendship. He said he rather die than not have me in his life. He said he can offer a healthier version of himself. etc.

 

I said that if he wants true closer than he needs to fly where I live because I sacrifice enough for him. He said he was making "good money now" but literally after telling him that he said he only has $10 dollar left in his account. "I guess I have to hitchhike where you are then smh" he says.

 

I also asked him about his ex he always talked about during our arguments(he compares me to her a lot) and he refused to give me her last name. I found out her last name by myself when I was curious on google one day. She used his name for a wedding registry website to get gifts (he told me this)

 

I stood my ground and did not want to settle for less and told him that. He then said "You don't understand me and I doubt you ever will"

 

I had a break down and decided to contact his ex for answers/clarity. He begged me not to contact her. "Please don't contact her" "I am begging you" "Mary what did you do?!!!"

 

At first I said I won't contact her (after he kept begging) after deleting the message than she messaged me and I decided to reply.

 

She said "Feel free to talk here (on Google +) and I asked her a few questions and talked a little about my failed relationship with him. My ex called 10+ times and he said I destroy lives, I ruin lives, "You destroyed me and Katherine" (his ex), that I was plotting a revenge on him, etc. etc.

 

I just wanted clarity.

 

She said that he still says he is in love with her and that he wants her in his life currently. She said to move on and that she knows about me.

 

He said I killed him.

 

So he decided to stop talking to me. I am not hurt by that but hurt by his abuse of words. He admitted a lot of things (being diagnosed a sex addict, marrying a woman and cheating on her after 6 months and refusing to give her a divorce, and being in love with his now ex (he kept on saying that she forced a relationship and that she raped him)

 

He never told me this. He twisted his stories. he never said sorry for that.

 

i told him goodbye and that i hope he heals (he blocked me on his phone and social media sites)

 

He's so angry all because I decided not to listen to him and contact his ex. Do you understand this? He is upset because an ex decided to contact another ex for clarity...why am I in the wrong?

 

Who knows the FULL story. She said "He ruined my life, heart and future" I will never know the FULL story but I needed to contact her for my sanity...I was always compared to this woman by my ex that I started to believe I was a horrible woman like her.

 

Was I in the wrong for contacting her?? Some say I was in the wrong but NO one understand that being compared and accused for so long can do psychological damage.

 

He said I was in the wrong because I contacted an ex that was abusive to him. (I don't know the full story so I can't say that is true or not)

Edited by MariaMars
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Frankly, this much drama never happened in "Dynasty"....:rolleyes:

 

Block him completely, for ever.

Never, ever talk to her again.

 

Walk away from this mess, and move on.

 

Your questions really have no point....

 

Jeesh, I mean - do you really need this crap??

  • Like 3
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

I don't know about being right or wrong. I guess you could say that since he is an ex, you don't need his permission. He did ask you not to contact her, so you'd have to decide how much you respect his request. I think the bigger problem here is getting yourself into this situation. If you are to the point of googling old exes and then reaching out to them, it's probably time to step back and assess what is to be gained by any of this. It's an extreme amount of drama.

 

But I think you could argue right or wrong either way. It all really depends on how much you respect his request, why you feel it should or should not be respected, ect. And I can't answer those questions.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

What difference does it make if he's angry or not? You got the clarity you needed to move on. Take the ex's advice and leave him alone and be glad you're done with this mess.

  • Like 3
Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

MariaMars,

You exercised your free will for the purpose, as you saw it, to save your sanity. There is nothing "wrong" with taking the action that you did...and there wouldn't be anything wrong with it, even if your sanity was NOT at risk.

 

People get angry/upset when other people don't just submit to their requests, demands, expectations; or when other people do something for themselves but that is against what the person wants for himself (or herself).

 

He didn't get HIS way, so he got angry/upset. You did not ruin anybody's life...you don't have that kind of power over anyone else's life! (None of us do, in reality.)

 

If you think-feel that there's something for which you need to forgive yourself, then forgive yourself. And then let all of it go. Look to the future and move along :)

 

Wishing you the best.

  • Like 2
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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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Posted
I don't know about being right or wrong. I guess you could say that since he is an ex, you don't need his permission. He did ask you not to contact her, so you'd have to decide how much you respect his request. I think the bigger problem here is getting yourself into this situation. If you are to the point of googling old exes and then reaching out to them, it's probably time to step back and assess what is to be gained by any of this. It's an extreme amount of drama.

 

But I think you could argue right or wrong either way. It all really depends on how much you respect his request, why you feel it should or should not be respected, ect. And I can't answer those questions.

 

He begged me not to contact her but something deep inside of me just...had it. I always did what he said and I guess he does not understand how his words truly messed me up. He contacted her for 5 years (he even talked to her during our first visit). Through out the relationship there was always trouble between them and it seem to never truly settled. She attacked him at his job one time. He cries victim yet he still talks to her. he still says she loves her as a person. He said he fell in love with her and things "went to hell" ever since.

 

I asked him if he blocked her and he said yes (not the full truth) and I asked him did he blocked her number and he said he doesn't know how. He told me his friends asked him to get a restraining order against her but he said he chose to make her hate him more instead. (cause he thinks that will make her go away...using hate).

 

It should not be respected because he cornered with me with his ex for too long. that's my opinion.

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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Frankly, this much drama never happened in "Dynasty"....:rolleyes:

 

Block him completely, for ever.

Never, ever talk to her again.

 

Walk away from this mess, and move on.

 

Your questions really have no point....

 

Jeesh, I mean - do you really need this crap??

 

Yeah, I blocked him and her. Sorry if my questions have no point it just hard to really think for myself when this man kept saying I ruined his life and that what i did was wrong.

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

Posted
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Posted
MariaMars,

You exercised your free will for the purpose, as you saw it, to save your sanity. There is nothing "wrong" with taking the action that you did...and there wouldn't be anything wrong with it, even if your sanity was NOT at risk.

 

People get angry/upset when other people don't just submit to their requests, demands, expectations; or when other people do something for themselves but that is against what the person wants for himself (or herself).

 

He didn't get HIS way, so he got angry/upset. You did not ruin anybody's life...you don't have that kind of power over anyone else's life! (None of us do, in reality.)

 

If you think-feel that there's something for which you need to forgive yourself, then forgive yourself. And then let all of it go. Look to the future and move along :)

 

Wishing you the best.

 

yeah, in the end of the day I had to do what was right for my mental health.

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted
yeah, in the end of the day I had to do what was right for my mental health.

 

When you abdicate this much control of your mental health to someone else, and hold them responsible for how you feel, it's time to reconsider just what you are putting yourself through.

  • Like 3
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
He begged me not to contact her but something deep inside of me just...had it. I always did what he said and I guess he does not understand how his words truly messed me up. He contacted her for 5 years (he even talked to her during our first visit). Through out the relationship there was always trouble between them and it seem to never truly settled. She attacked him at his job one time. He cries victim yet he still talks to her. he still says she loves her as a person. He said he fell in love with her and things "went to hell" ever since.

 

I asked him if he blocked her and he said yes (not the full truth) and I asked him did he blocked her number and he said he doesn't know how. He told me his friends asked him to get a restraining order against her but he said he chose to make her hate him more instead. (cause he thinks that will make her go away...using hate).

 

It should not be respected because he cornered with me with his ex for too long. that's my opinion.

 

I think the questions and rationalizations are circular. I'm getting the vibe that because he claimed you ruined his life, you want to know if contacting his ex was wrong. If we all say you weren't in the wrong, you won't feel so bad, and you can be the one in the right. First, you didn't ruin his life. That is absolutely dramatic and ridiculous on his part. Second, from where I'm sitting, I don't see that his opinion on you contacting his ex matters. I don't think you did it to hurt him. I think that his stories have so many holes that you wanted to see what she said about it. Often, you can't boil these scenarios down to who has the moral high ground, who is right and who is wrong. Best to just let it go. I don't think you need to judge yourself harshly or keep a weight on your conscience over this.

 

All that said, if you are getting to the point that you are contacting old exes because your current ex is driving you insane, I'd say step away from it all and go NC. I don't think any questions of "right" or "wrong" are all that important in the long run. I get why you are concerned with it now, but, really and truly, just go NC and get out of this mess. He sounds unstable, and you don't need to subject yourself to this drama.

  • Like 1
NoLeafClover Established Member

NoLeafClover

Posted
Posted

BBC

 

Especially when they contact an ex wow

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted

Was I in the wrong for contacting her?? Some say I was in the wrong but NO one understand that being compared and accused for so long can do psychological damage.

 

He said I was in the wrong because I contacted an ex that was abusive to him. (I don't know the full story so I can't say that is true or not)

 

No, you weren’t wrong to contact her. It’s natural to want, and to have, context and understanding. Prior to tech-based “dating,” you both would have already known each other’s friends, relationship histories, families, exes and that information and context would have been factors in deciding whether you would even date each other in the first place. He couldn’t have hidden who he was. In the future, don’t continue with ANYONE who does not want you to know about their life and history, or who contends that it’s not important.

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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No, you weren’t wrong to contact her. It’s natural to want, and to have, context and understanding. Prior to tech-based “dating,” you both would have already known each other’s friends, relationship histories, families, exes and that information and context would have been factors in deciding whether you would even date each other in the first place. He couldn’t have hidden who he was. In the future, don’t continue with ANYONE who does not want you to know about their life and history, or who contends that it’s not important.

 

I practically told him my life story and past relationships (both sides). I do my best to not try to act like a victim. I told him in the beginning that honesty is HUGE for me and that I wanted a man that is OK with who he is (flaws and all...I still have my standards however)

 

I learned that I made the mistake by doing online dating 4 years ago. If I truly wanted a genuine man I should have saved myself the drama and venture out.

 

After I contacted her He screamed "why could you come to me first instead of her"? Then I thought....through out the 3 years of our relationship where the hell were you with YOUR truth of your past? I am not responsible for anyone. I just feel like if you plan to be intimate with someone you owe your partner the FULL truth. I gave my virginity to this man 6 months ago (I am 25) and 2 weeks ago he FINALLY told me that he was diagnosed as a sex addict in 2007 (had sex with 250+ people) (He's 29). :mad:

 

I swear I would not even be in a relationship with him if he told me he was a cheater in the past. I would not given my virginity if I knew his sexual history too.

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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I think the questions and rationalizations are circular. I'm getting the vibe that because he claimed you ruined his life, you want to know if contacting his ex was wrong. If we all say you weren't in the wrong, you won't feel so bad, and you can be the one in the right. First, you didn't ruin his life. That is absolutely dramatic and ridiculous on his part. Second, from where I'm sitting, I don't see that his opinion on you contacting his ex matters. I don't think you did it to hurt him. I think that his stories have so many holes that you wanted to see what she said about it. Often, you can't boil these scenarios down to who has the moral high ground, who is right and who is wrong. Best to just let it go. I don't think you need to judge yourself harshly or keep a weight on your conscience over this.

 

All that said, if you are getting to the point that you are contacting old exes because your current ex is driving you insane, I'd say step away from it all and go NC. I don't think any questions of "right" or "wrong" are all that important in the long run. I get why you are concerned with it now, but, really and truly, just go NC and get out of this mess. He sounds unstable, and you don't need to subject yourself to this drama.

 

I am not just doing "no contact" I am simply just cutting him out of my life. You are right his opinion does not matter because in the end of the day there was a bigger picture in that odd situation. I try my best not to judge myself harshly. It's just weird how he would say "You did not listen to my pleading and begging...you disregard my feelings"

 

Yet...he contacted his "abusive" ex when I visited him for the first time...were my feelings regarded? smh.

They both are abusive towards each other..they know the truth.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
I practically told him my life story and past relationships (both sides). I do my best to not try to act like a victim. I told him in the beginning that honesty is HUGE for me and that I wanted a man that is OK with who he is (flaws and all...I still have my standards however)

 

I learned that I made the mistake by doing online dating 4 years ago. If I truly wanted a genuine man I should have saved myself the drama and venture out.

 

After I contacted her He screamed "why could you come to me first instead of her"? Then I thought....through out the 3 years of our relationship where the hell were you with YOUR truth of your past? I am not responsible for anyone. I just feel like if you plan to be intimate with someone you owe your partner the FULL truth. I gave my virginity to this man 6 months ago (I am 25) and 2 weeks ago he FINALLY told me that he was diagnosed as a sex addict in 2007 (had sex with 250+ people) (He's 29). :mad:

 

I swear I would not even be in a relationship with him if he told me he was a cheater in the past. I would not given my virginity if I knew his sexual history too.

 

250 people? oh geeze. You're right. People SHOULD be honest and candid about who they are. Good riddance to this guy.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

He may have exaggerated that number (250) and the sex addict thing to turn you off and make you not want him anymore.

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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He may have exaggerated that number (250) and the sex addict thing to turn you off and make you not want him anymore.

 

Nope. He wasn't exaggerating about that. He's a whore.

 

And what makes this very funny is how he would always tell me that women just want him for sex like some victim yet at the same time always says he wants pussy. It's my fault giving my mind to that boy.

Edited by MariaMars
CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
Posted

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but...

 

Nope. He wasn't exaggerating about that. He's a whore.

 

And what makes this very funny is how he would always tell me that women just want him for sex like some victim yet at the same time always says he wants pussy. It's my fault giving my mind to that boy.

 

You can't take anything he has told you as fact. He was living a fantasy life with you and likely continuing a real-life relationship with his "abusive ex" or other women. This is why you could only visit him one time for a couple of days and why he could never visit you. He had to hide you from his girlfriend (she's probably actually his fiancee or wife - you found a wedding registry for the two of them, yes?) That is why he became furious when you contacted her.

 

Just curious, how much did you tell this Katherine girl? Did you tell her that he had allowed you to visit him and have sex with him only six months ago? What questions did you ask her?

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
Nope. He wasn't exaggerating about that. He's a whore.

 

 

If true, aren't you glad it's over with him?

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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but...

 

 

 

You can't take anything he has told you as fact. He was living a fantasy life with you and likely continuing a real-life relationship with his "abusive ex" or other women. This is why you could only visit him one time for a couple of days and why he could never visit you. He had to hide you from his girlfriend (she's probably actually his fiancee or wife - you found a wedding registry for the two of them, yes?) That is why he became furious when you contacted her.

 

Just curious, how much did you tell this Katherine girl? Did you tell her that he had allowed you to visit him and have sex with him only six months ago? What questions did you ask her?

 

 

Yes and that's why I wanted to contact her because I wanted to know if they were engaged during the relationship.

 

He said that she used his name so she can get gifts for her co-worker.

 

I told her who I was and my relationship with my ex. I told her that I visited him and I asked why she kept abusing him. I told her what he says about her. It was sort of like I was confronting her for hurting him (believing she was the reason why my ex could not move forward and comparing me to her when I get upset and angry) I told her how long I was in a relationship with him. I told her how he treated me. She knew I visited him because they were texting to each other during our visit. At the time I thought she was harassing him but deep down I feel like he was shoving this "ideal" relationship to her face and acting like a victim in the process.

 

My ex was calling me 10+ times while I tried to get answers from her. She really did not answer some (he accused her of raping him while he was drunk)

 

I did not pick up because I was scared what he will say to me. He text this to me

"I know you are talking to her, I got her phone with me"

"Katherine and I are pissed"

"We had peace and you destroyed it"

"She's cussing at me!!!"

"I need to move out of state"

"You brought hell to my front door"

"Mary, what did you do!!!?"

"I don't know you anymore"

"You're right, you are alone because I don't want to deal with you ever again" (They live in the same state btw)

 

The second day I decided to talk to her more because I was very distraught from the other day saying to her "he doesn't want to talk to me anymore" "It's my fault" and he was even more livid telling me to stop talking to her. r

 

She said for me to move on and be strong. She told me that she and him have been in contact for 5 years (telling her that he loves her) and that he wants her in his life currently. She said that I am giving him a second chance and I told her that I didn't gave him a second chance. She said she knew we both slept together and that he took my virginity and that she knows I talk about suicide a lot (the stress of the long distance relationship mentally got to me for a year) and that there are no more answers to give and to talk to him.

 

a few days later when I wanted more answers he said "My past is none of your damn business,etc."

 

I need to add this-He said that I use suicide to emotionally punish him and every time he tries to break up with me I would use suicide as a punishment. THAT is a lie. He NEVER broke up with me till 2 months ago. I was the one that tried to break up with him many times but always ending up him saying things that made me feel guilt. And I decided to stop talking to him a week after the break up (because he was arguing with his ex and comparing me to her).

 

I was moving on doing NC then after a month of NC HE started texting "I miss you, etc".

 

When I tell him that we should break up he brushed it off saying he do what he wants. I have a history of depression and my mind just snapped. I did not take care of myself. I just was consumed with this relationship. I regret hurting myself.

Edited by MariaMars
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MariaMars Member

MariaMars

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If true, aren't you glad it's over with him?

 

Yeah I am glad. But I take half the responsibility of this mess. It did not have to go this far. I should have respected my feelings and left a long time ago.I schedule an appointment to see a therapist in 2 weeks. I am going to get to the core of my issues. Anyone reading this..respect your feelings, your emotions, your mind. If you are ever feeling suicidal or extremely stress out in a relationship. Just leave.

Edited by MariaMars
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