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Posted

How did you get over your fears of the future and decide it was best to be bound to someone for life? How do you keep an active, loving relationship once the kids are in college and beyond?

 

My boyfriend and I are coming up on a year of dating. That's too soon to be married, of course, but it's about the right time to be discussing it. We've had a few talks in the past and I flat-out told him I would not be anybody's forever girlfriend; marriage matters to me. To my surprise he told me he'd been thinking about it, but not to rush him. Since then I've dropped the issue but he keeps bringing it up, whether to discuss how we'd handle seeing each other's families on holidays, raising children or setting a wedding date on a particular day just to irritate one of our coworkers. The other day we had dinner with another couple and he said "Now you don't have to read too much into this, but our marriage will never be like that!" So, yeah. It's on the table and it's been on my mind. I find I have no issues with him, but as much as I value long-term commitment, it's also...kind of terrifying?

 

I have no doubts in him. He's brilliant, he's curious, he's always learning, he makes me laugh til I cry, and he treats me like a goddess. I am inspired to be the best version of myself every day because of him. I do everything I can to repay each of his kindnesses, and do my best to treat him even better. Sure, he drives me crazy sometimes, but I have never been so utterly in love. Even when we're annoyed with each other we manage to talk it out calmly and respectfully. I don't believe in The One, but I have never been with someone who completes me so well. The idea of marrying him doesn't seem frightening at all. It seems obvious.

 

But how do you know? This is where I should probably step away from these forums (which I read daily, the same way other folks read Gawker and Reddit) because I read these stories and they terrify me. Couples together for ten, twenty years only to discover bam! he's a cheating liar with an alternate family in Singapore or something. How do you know the man who makes a good partner today and for the foreseeable future will still be a good partner twenty years from now? The thought of things going wrong down the road makes me ill. Unfortunately, I'm also very anxious in general. Part of the reason I haven't bought a house is because I'm terrified of losing my job or falling gravely ill or being in an accident and then without the means to make payments. I practice CBT and meditation to help with my anxiety, but it never fully goes away.

 

I guess I'm just curious how you know it's the right time to get married, and how you keep a relationship healthy and happy decades after saying "I do". Any and all input is welcome.

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Posted

It might lessen your fears a bit to do some background on him. (Professionally.) That may seem counter-trusting, but it's a different world today and it can offer some measure of reassurance.

 

If you want, I can make some recommendations (as I'm near to the industry).

Posted

When it's right, the thought of forever with him is not scary. The thought of forever without him is though.

 

 

You simply take chances. You try new things. . . not everything will work but you give it a shot.

 

 

DH & I are trying something new tonight. I'm optimistic; he's a bit skeptical & it took me about an hour to talk him into it so we'll see.

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Posted

I'm not scared at all about his background. (We are both more or less in that industry, so for all I know you'd end up giving me my own name!) I'm just scared of a future I can't control or even hope to predict. I can't seem to stop worrying over things that may never happen. It's very true that while the future is scary, the idea of a future without him is gut-wrenching and impossibly bleak.

 

I'm not scared at all about a future with him. Just looking at him makes me think "of course, duh", like I've finally been given an answer to a question I didn't know I was asking. My fears are less about my relationship and more about the rest of my life, period. I am terrified at the thought of things spiraling out of control or becoming a different person to myself.

 

As you say, "you simply take chances". I have no hesitations about taking a chance on him. It's everything else I'm worried about.

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Posted
I'm not scared at all about his background.

I'm not scared at all about a future with him.

It's everything else I'm worried about.

 

Lana-B...not to offend in any way, but do you have a belief in a "higher power"...God, Buddha, Krishna, an afterlife? I have been treated for depression and anxiety in the toughest portions of my life and have found that a belief in something bigger than me that is controlling the universe is extremely comforting. No matter what happens, I know I'll get through it one way or another, that things happen for a reason whether I can figure out that reason or not, and that basically, I WILL BE OK.

 

Lose friends? I'll make more. Go broke? I'll get by. Boyfriend leave? I've been alone before and its not fatal. Die? Won't have to struggle anymore and might even be in a better place! I am, however, scared of suffering in real pain for an extended time....but everything else? I'll get through cuz my life was given to me to LIVE, not sit in a cornering fretting over stuff that may never ever happen.

 

I hope you can find a form of peace of mind that generates a lasting joy in your life...and go for it with the BF, he definitely sounds like true life partnership material!

Posted

this thread speaks to me in so many ways...

 

lana, i feel the same. literally the same.

i'm not in a serious relationship at all but i find myself thinking and analzying scenarios that might never ever even happen. i'm not even in a serious relationship, for god's sake!

 

so i think it's us being "scared" because we read so much about other folks negative experiences that it seems just too good for US to have some kind of happy ending. like, something gotta go wrong. :)

 

i think we are just that kind of people.

we analzye everything and we think about every wrong scenario before making big decisions. and then we worry some more.

 

you just dive in and see where life takes you.

if you're happy with this man (which you clearly are) then... take a chance. and i think it's actually GOOD that you're terrified. means you care! imagine marrying a dude you couldn't care less if it works with or not, LOL.

 

with great love comes great fear, i guess.

you realize how invested you are and how much you'll be broken if it goes to sh*t. dive in, take a chance and see where life takes you, yeah? :)

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Posted
this thread speaks to me in so many ways...

so i think it's us being "scared" because we read so much about other folks negative experiences that it seems just too good for US to have some kind of happy ending. like, something gotta go wrong. :)

 

Somewhere around the six-month mark, we were cuddling in bed when I looked at him and realized just how blissfully in love I was. He asked what I was thinking and I said "I'm waiting for you to get cancer." Because that's the only way I can be this happy, right? Something's got to go wrong for it to be half this good. Luckily he understands completely. He is fond of shaking his head at me and saying "Just break my heart already, will you?" He feels so, so right in so many ways and I can't bear the thought of being without him. He is the first person I've ever felt genuinely comfortable with marrying. But...the future is scary, you know? I don't even like not knowing the plots of movies before I see them. Spoilers lend to my illusion of control, dammit!

 

I always got the sense we'd be good friends. I appreciate your willingness to ask consistently thought-provoking questions when the rest of us are arguing whether a guy is a jerk if he doesn't pay your cab fare home (answer: yes).

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Posted
I don't even like not knowing the plots of movies before I see them. Spoilers lend to my illusion of control, dammit!

 

I always got the sense we'd be good friends. I appreciate your willingness to ask consistently thought-provoking questions when the rest of us are arguing whether a guy is a jerk if he doesn't pay your cab fare home (answer: yes).

 

:love: we totally would!

 

and omg, i am THE SAME. i spoil EVERYTHING. i always check out movie and TV shows spoilers. and with books, i ALWAYS read the last two pages first... LOL.

 

it's super hard to just relax and enjoy that happiness, i know. i don't know how folks do it. i often find myself like "oh, come on... something wrong WILL happen because what are the odds that this happiness lasts? like why would EYE be so lucky?!" trust me... i know. it's like you opened this thread for me. :D

 

i honestly don't know what advice to give you, i'm havig the same problem. don't let that stop you from being happy and try to control it the best you can. what happens, happens... i guess.

 

god, if we could just take a peak into like 10 next years of our lives.... it would be so great.

  • Like 1
Posted
Somewhere around the six-month mark, we were cuddling in bed when I looked at him and realized just how blissfully in love I was. He asked what I was thinking and I said "I'm waiting for you to get cancer." Because that's the only way I can be this happy, right? Something's got to go wrong for it to be half this good. Luckily he understands completely.

 

Hm, ok but will he be understanding when you do something like this for the 10th time? I really think you need to spend more time on CBT or something else. Assuming the worst all the time is not a good way to live. My dad was like that. It really wears people down over time.

If anything could go wrong, he thought of it. All the time. A little of it rubbed off on me, but now I really make an effort to stop myself going there.

 

How do you know in 10 or 20 years that you will still be together?

You don't. And you never can know this for sure.

But if you feel the way you describe about him, and the thought of losing him is much scarier than any commitment fears, I would take that as a very good sign.

Posted

I don't think people stay together for years on end out of sheer "loooove" and/or attraction they had for each other when they were dating.

 

-I think kids (18 years of that) keep the couple together cuz now you have a common goal and responsibility.

 

I mean, I see/saw this a lot - especially in the military. The couple has a kid like when they first marry and when that kid is getting like in their teens, they pop out another kid and I'm like....ok, you're having another kid approaching 40's and/or him getting out of the military? A kid is the perfect "glue" to keep the couple together and an excellent "barrier" in the couple not having to take time to get to know/spend time with each other cuz duh, they are busy raising the kids.

 

-Then, after the kids are up and gone, if the couple doesn't get to re-connect/rediscover each other and/or redesign their life (a life w/o kids), than I think they just stick together cuz they have no other options and/or are "comfortable".

 

Again, like my neighbors. Gosh, they are barely 50's and IMO, "NOBODY" wants them. They are lazy, overweight and just mean/nasty people. The only way they could possibly cheat is if they paid for sex. So, they are literally "stuck" and/or "comfortable" with each other and probably will be so to the grave.

 

How to keep your marriage alive?

 

-Listen to shows like my fav podcaster. You'll hear endless calls of people calling in and the mistakes they made in neglecting their marriage over the responsibilities that come with kids.

 

-Remember to be his "girlfriend". Some/most women stop dolling up. They don't put the same effort to get his attention as they did when they were dating. They do not plan a "date nite", too tired for sex, etc. Remember to be his "girlfriend".

 

-Work at it. Even in my 6 year guy thing, no matter how great the sex was - you still get busy, distracted, etc. You gotta "work" on the RL. You gotta find time for each other. Get a baby sitter, have a date nite. Send each other sexy texts. Bring her flowers. Surprise him. Relationships take work. Not every day you're gonna feel excited to be with him/her. Actions create feelings. If you take actions to keep the fire burning, then you can't go wrong.

 

-Get pre-marital counseling. I'm glad you two are discussing these practical matters and a qualified premarital counselor can make sure you two are addressing these important issues.

 

Good luck and glad to see you motivated and actively concerned about the practicalities of embarking on marriage - lots of people just doin' it cuz it feeels right w/o addressing the practicalities of life and marriage, then get "surprised" when life hits them.

Posted

one thing i have learnt is that fear of things going wrong does not give you any benefit, on the contrary, such fear dramatically increases the chances of those things going wrong!

 

And when it comes to relationships, it is far better to be surprised if it goes wrong than it is to live in fear that it will go wrong.

 

belief in your relationship and your partner will cost you nothing, it will make you happy. But what will fear give you that is any advantage? If you have fear and the relationship ends it will still hurt just as much, so what have you gained by being afraid? Nothing.

Posted

lana, would you say this fear is debilitating? If so, we can give you pithy advice to "just relax" all day long, and none of it will do a bit of good. If this is a serious issue that affects your day-to-day living, you might want to look into some sort of treatment.

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Posted
lana, would you say this fear is debilitating? If so, we can give you pithy advice to "just relax" all day long, and none of it will do a bit of good. If this is a serious issue that affects your day-to-day living, you might want to look into some sort of treatment.

 

Lana,

 

Please, take heed of this advise. Your fear can be treated, and would lead to a better life.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for the insights, everyone. No, my fear is by no means debilitating; I feel my worries weighing on me about once every two weeks or so, and even then it's not too bad. However, they do tend to be the same kinds of vague but serious fears no one can possibly predict: losing my job, becoming gravely ill, buying a house and falling behind on the mortgage, and so on.

 

I think much of it stems from a sense that my current status is completely undeserved. I'll be 29 in two weeks and have an extremely well-paying albeit complicated job, lots of friends and great hobbies, and live in an amazing city I love, and now I've met a man who makes me so happy it's frightening. Meanwhile I have friends who are far smarter than I am who are working two jobs and struggling to get by. It just feels...unfair, and I'm afraid if I enjoy it too much I'll (justifiably, I think) lose everything. How could I deserve so much happiness and a life of ease? So I often feel guilty about doing well.

 

It may be unrelated, but I'm also being treated for trauma. My trauma symptoms are generally limited to nightmares and flashbacks so I don't feel too affected. It may add to my overall anxiety though.

 

Thanks again for the responses and the much-needed perspective. Y'all are excellent.

Edited by lana-banana
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