tangotango Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Hi All... I wanted to get my story off my chest - and share my feelings with everyone. Share what I have now realised were mistakes along the way and stark realisations I have come to realise. Anyone who may have read my last posts will know the back ground. But in short - I was in a relationship for just over 7 years. I was 25 - she was 19 back then. Within 6 months of dating we moved in together - it felt great. Here I had this great girl - who was headstrong and very mature with an amazing family around her. However - when it came to having a sexual relationship that is where I fell down. I had this beautiful girl who wanted to give me everything and I couldn't give her what she wanted in the bedroom department. After a while of trying - we both sort of un-mutally gave up on the idea of having sex. However for me it was not a case of I didn't want her or fancy her - I was lacking that final urge to do anything about it - to put my wants and desires into action and do something about it. Many years went by - we moved from an apartment into a lovely house - and apart from sex - everything seemed fine. We did not have a amazing social life as we both did not have a lot of friends. We went out together when work permitted and money permitted. Coming on 2 years ago - I took a job after being made redundant. It was a management role with a big company. For me - now today - I realise this is where the personal, affectionate side of me started to unravel. The job was demanding - it was long days and stressful. Running a large team of people. She was embracing of this at first but now and only now after receiving feedback from those close to me - they have told me that since having this job - I had changed as a person, that I had became abrupt and too focused on the job. I would be required to do reports in the evening after getting through the door after 7pm - I would be working for another hour at least... She would slope off to bed and some nights would have to come wake me up as I had fallen asleep with my work laptop on my lap on the couch. 6 Weeks Ago 6 weeks ago - she decided on the Monday morning after sleeping next to each other in bed - she had had enough and was leaving to go to her mums. Naturally - I never saw this coming and was a physical wreck for days. She would text asking if I was alright and ok... The first week - I did nothing but think about all the things I had done wrong. Its funny how when the sh*t hits the fan - your 'friends' come out the woodwork and give you feedback on how they felt you had become since taking your job 2 years ago... When I heard these comments - it all started to make sense to me - I was totally not giving her the love, care and respect she deserved on a daily basis. I am not going to sit here and say the job is all to blame - remember the sex issue... At the end of the fist week - I fell apart in work. I blew a gasket and started crying in front of my senior managers. They asked whats wrong and I explained. I told them - for the last 6 months - I had been asking to be able to work differently - in a way that allowed me to end the day at 7pm and pick it up the following day - allowing me to devote my full attention to my girl. But they always declined... it always had to be done on the night... I was also never allowed to change my only day off either - which meant she had to change hers which was not possible so most weeks we wouldn't share a day off... When my managers realised the damage that had been done - and after a massive rant about the work ethic - guess what happened... They changed the rules - and the following day - hey presto!! All of a sudden - I found myself shutting off work at 7pm and picking it up the next day, stress dropped through floor and I had colleagues in similar situations patting me on the back thanking me as they were on the brink of divorce. Naturally I wanted to share this with her and I did - but she didn't care. I went to the doctor weeks ago about the sex issue - I have had tests done and I indeed (as someone pointed out on a last post) had a low testosterone level - very low in fact. This could have been for a number of factors - When I met her - I stopped going to the gym, I stopped pretty much all fitness to be honest. Our diet was not the best, I have had a stressful job, I spend my days driving and sitting in a car with no exercise... I'm always thinking about work and not about her and sex... We had no real social life where we would get dolled up and go out... Either way - it is my fault - I had found that missing link that prevented me doing something about my urges when I got them. Taking stock... After having 6 weeks now since B/U to think of everything I did wrong - I was not there for her like I should have been. I should have seen the signs but I obviously just couldn't. I didn't do anything about the sex... I could have gone the doctors a long time ago but I always felt I did not have the time... However - She stayed with me for 7 years - we did have a lot of good times and laughs. lots of holidays... We looked after each other through illness and the bad times - we have both been unemployed several times and seen serious hardship and come back strong... What I do not understand I get the no sex thing - I really do now, I get the not being there when we were together now... She said she was thinking of leaving a year or more ago... fair enough. But she didn't. In that year - we went on 3 amazing holidays together - and were (2 months before she left) looking at booking an even better one for later this year. Why - if she was unhappy a year ago, and was thinking about leaving then - she clearly had the guts to do it as she has done it now. Why didn't she?? Why did we stay together - go on holidays - and more over why were we looking at booking another later in the year???? Explain that one? The sad fact out of this is since she left - I have had 6 weeks of intense long days - and since my employer changed the working rules - long evenings... to think about everything. I have sorted my financial issues - all sorted and gone. no worries there. I have been to the doctor - have been given treatment and advice - and my sex drive is through the roof... My job has sorted itself - I can now switch off in the evenings - and choose my days off to suit! I have created a social life for myself now - made some good friends, got a hobby and have started going out (albeit by myself for the most part)... These are the changes she wanted. I asked her the other day - up until the sunday night before you walked - what were you hoping for?? She said I was hoping you would change. I explained - in the 6 weeks - I explained yet again I had implemented all the changes she wanted - but she was no longer interested. Having a house together and both being financially liable for it - she doesn't want to come back. She wants to pay her half and not live there. She doesn't want to see me for a coffee - although she came around to get a couple of things the other morning. She has left 95% of her belongings in our house... where she left them. No Contact I attempted to adopt NC a few times - I buckled every time. I would call, text what have you - we would talk - it would be breezy and almost like old times.. but to no avail. She claims she is the 'shell' of her former self, and she has switched sex off now. And she does not have the 'energy' to try again. My Beliefs I am starting to conclude - if I had changed and adopted the way I am now - 6, maybe 12 months ago I am starting to wonder if she would have left anyway? That said - there is the Holiday issues as described above? If you didn't want to be with me a year ago and I clearly was not changing - whats with all the holidays together?? Looking at buying a house together?? It was a belief of mine - if I changed for me and for us after she left - she would give it another go. But she will not. I am now left with a house I pay half of, full of her stuff where she left it and someone who will not call or text you unless they think you are in a terrible state or in danger of harming yourself. I have thought about it but its not worth it. She will talk to you and answer the phone if you call - but its friendly to start then her guard goes up and its cold and brutal - she lives in the past. I admit - this has been long. I admit I have a lot to answer for in this paring but then I believe so does she...
Author tangotango Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 I should point out also - we had 'that' conversation in the week - that she is not interested anymore - she wants to be friends... I had asked her if I proposed would that change her mind as she had a issue with me never asking her in 7 years? Nope... as you would expect. I have implemented everything I can possibly do now to move forward. A friend has said - its over - go NC and actually be strict. if she doesn't contact you - well it really is over as you have been told and you have nothing to lose anymore. What if - what if she does get in touch (I know her better than anyone - and she most likely will before the week is out)... what do I do then? Ignore it and move on? Go straight into asking her to come out? or a normal reply?? I have no clue - but I bet my bottom dollar - she will be in touch. When I mentioned the engagement thing - she buckled for a minute on the phone - it threw her. She was thinking and then the guard went back up. When she came round to collect a couple of items - I had put pictures of ourselves together up - holidays where we had great times - she saw this and took pictures of them on her phone and agreed she loved them... annnnnd then her guard went back up...
Thistooshallpass21 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I'm sorry brother I feel your pain right now. However, you have to go strict no contact as you really haven't let her experience what life is without you. Plus you need to heal, even if reconciliation is an option in the future you need to heal from the break up first. Take the time to work on yourself and DO NOT BE FRIENDS. Friendship with an ex in most cases is not good. It will only lead to more pain.
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