mightycpa Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 My two cents is this: 1) if he has a porn or masturbation or other kind of problem that is preventing him from having sex with his girlfriend, well, then he is the architect of his own undoing. At 40+, he ought to know enough to put 2+2 together. 2) if he has an age-related medical issue that essentially puts him out of action, then he's painfully aware of the problem, and is apparently unable or unwilling to fix it. Either way, again, at 40+, he HAS TO KNOW that not every woman is going to put up with this, even though some will. If he's got this problem, and has the misfortune of having a girlfriend who likes to ****, then he has to know his days are numbered. I don't see any reason to tiptoe around the issue. If he's creating his own problem, then he could use the feedback. If he's a victim of this problem, then I'm sure he'll understand, even if he doesn't like it. He's old enough that this shouldn't be an additional blow to his ego, and that it's nothing personal. I say just tell him that she's got too many years of sexual activity ahead of her to live with this. 2
Author Dreamworld Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 Yeah I think this could make a difference. I think there are a couple of things he can try. Stop porn and masturbation for a couple of days before he sees her. Actually, if he can stop all porn for a while. Sometimes it has too much of a desensitising effect. Start to work out - there are exercises he can do without aggravating the back (depending on what the actual problem is). And this will increase his stamina, and might actually improve the back. If he can do something like pushups or lifting weights, this can help increase testosterone levels and increase his libido. He masturbates once to twice a week. Sometimes more on rare occasions. He is looking into surgery for his back. Even the act of walking downhill puts pressure on him and hurts him. He now knows where my friend stands on the sex aspect ( they made it very clear to each other last night) so I think that is why he tried expressing his suggestions but I guess just stopping the masturbation not knowing when they will next meet up ( they have busy schedules so they kind of plan spur of the moment) is a bit hard for him. And he just doesnt think he can perform either way. I think getting away from the masturbation and porn part they just have in general different sex drives. Now it's up to her if she can accept his suggestions. The letting her get her needs met elsewhere while he turns a blind eye surprised me, personally. I dont think i could do that.
Toodaloo Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I think the pain has a lot to do with it... I think she should wait until after he has recovered from surgery. Sex comes and goes but a good bloke thats a rare find. I have a high sex drive. Hers is not as high as mine and to put it bluntly I would rather wait and then have fun when his back is better or look into alternative positions that may help him even just go with out while he gets better... Just saying... she can buy AA batteries and he can help her get her rocks off that way... Sex is not a "performance" its two people bonding...
jen1447 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I think getting away from the masturbation and porn part they just have in general different sex drives. Now it's up to her if she can accept his suggestions. The letting her get her needs met elsewhere while he turns a blind eye surprised me, personally. I dont think i could do that. There is an undeniable physical component to this that makes me sympathize with your friend a lot. If she has a libido and physical needs that require her to have 50 orgasms a week or whatever, and he can't fulfill that, it really is a problem, and one that the lovey-dovies alone won't account for. The surrogate thing is interesting in that imo it's an amazing gesture of his love for her if he could set aside his own interest in that for the benefit of hers. I'd give that serious consideration if I were her.
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Yeah I think this could make a difference. I think there are a couple of things he can try. Stop porn and masturbation for a couple of days before he sees her. Actually, if he can stop all porn for a while. Sometimes it has too much of a desensitising effect. If he has a problem with porn. It is recommended he needs to stop watching for 2 months if he is older and for 4-5 months if he is younger, before any beneficial effect is noted...
Author Dreamworld Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 There is an undeniable physical component to this that makes me sympathize with your friend a lot. If she has a libido and physical needs that require her to have 50 orgasms a week or whatever, and he can't fulfill that, it really is a problem, and one that the lovey-dovies alone won't account for. The surrogate thing is interesting in that imo it's an amazing gesture of his love for her if he could set aside his own interest in that for the benefit of hers. I'd give that serious consideration if I were her. They tried being intimate with him trying to please her with his hands mouth and a vibrator. She said he really started to get turned on when she showed him how she masturbated ( she says this was her first time ever masturbating in front of someone she just felt like showing that part of her to him) and he helped her along with his hands eventually bringing her to orgasm. She tried to reciprocate by being on top ( less pressure on his back) and also a blow job but in the end he asked her if she could touch herself again and brought himself to orgasm watching her touch herself. She told him he could finish in her mouth if he wanted and he seemed to like that a lot she says. Although in the end he still had to masturbate himself, letting her see him doing the act and that he actually ejaculated were two firsts since they started having sex. We both think he has been so used to stimulating himself with his hand for such a long time that combined with his health either she will have to accept this kind of sex. But I think the fact he was able to stroke himself to orgasm watching her made her feel better.
mightycpa Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 They tried being intimate with him trying to please her with his hands mouth and a vibrator. She said he really started to get turned on when she showed him how she masturbated ( she says this was her first time ever masturbating in front of someone she just felt like showing that part of her to him) and he helped her along with his hands eventually bringing her to orgasm. She tried to reciprocate by being on top ( less pressure on his back) and also a blow job but in the end he asked her if she could touch herself again and brought himself to orgasm watching her touch herself. She told him he could finish in her mouth if he wanted and he seemed to like that a lot she says. Although in the end he still had to masturbate himself, letting her see him doing the act and that he actually ejaculated were two firsts since they started having sex. We both think he has been so used to stimulating himself with his hand for such a long time that combined with his health either she will have to accept this kind of sex. But I think the fact he was able to stroke himself to orgasm watching her made her feel better.While that sounds like a great way to mix it up, she's probably going to realize that not being able to get a serious boning on a regular basis is not particularly satisfying for a woman. Because she's not frigid, it won't do in the long run. The more she avoids the decision, the more difficult it will be on both of them. At a minimum, she should insist that he stops beating off, even in front of her, and that she is the only one who can get him off. 1
jen1447 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 They tried being intimate with him trying to please her with his hands mouth and a vibrator. She said he really started to get turned on when she showed him how she masturbated ( she says this was her first time ever masturbating in front of someone she just felt like showing that part of her to him) and he helped her along with his hands eventually bringing her to orgasm. She tried to reciprocate by being on top ( less pressure on his back) and also a blow job but in the end he asked her if she could touch herself again and brought himself to orgasm watching her touch herself. She told him he could finish in her mouth if he wanted and he seemed to like that a lot she says. Although in the end he still had to masturbate himself, letting her see him doing the act and that he actually ejaculated were two firsts since they started having sex. We both think he has been so used to stimulating himself with his hand for such a long time that combined with his health either she will have to accept this kind of sex. But I think the fact he was able to stroke himself to orgasm watching her made her feel better. If those are alternatives that are satisfying to everybody, great. They could try one of those sleeve things too if she's determined to get railed good and long, altho ....not sure how great that would be for either of them as a longterm solution. Has he tried viagra? (Sorry if that was asked before.)
Author Dreamworld Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 If those are alternatives that are satisfying to everybody, great. They could try one of those sleeve things too if she's determined to get railed good and long, altho ....not sure how great that would be for either of them as a longterm solution. Has he tried viagra? (Sorry if that was asked before.) No not on any medications. He is able to masturbate to ejaculation so I don't think he would need it though?
jen1447 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Well viagra gets guys hard no matter what's going on, so if he's going limp midway thru a shagging, that would fix it.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 To everyone who took the time to participate in this thread, thanks so much. just wanted to update and let you know that after spending a lot of time with her guy this past week just talking and talking, she has decided to call it quits with him on a romantic/sexual relationship and just stay friends ( they parted amicably) They just dont see eye to eye on the sex, masturbation, porn bit. She did try to be intimate with him in the way he suggested, but to her, its not about toys and him trying to please her while he stays passive. To her sex is the dance between two bodies, legs intertwining, grabbing on to each other, the whole literal physical connecting that in turn increases her emotional connection with the man. It is being in sync with the guy and she is not getting this from him. i dont think this guy really has a porn problem (or maybe he does) but it is how he views masturbation and sex as two completely different things that my friend just can't comprehend (neither can I for that matter) he told her sex isnt all that important to him as compared to the emotional connection, bad back and all. though his back is playing a pivotal role in why he cant function as sexually as before, it isn't so crucial he has to bend over backward to ensure he gets better to be able to perform, he says. Sex is only the frosting on the cake, frosting he may not need. But to my friend him needing to masturbate shows to her that he is sexual. he told her just needing a quick release and having porn to speed up the process has nothing to do with sex. he just...does it. he says. then he goes to sleep or goes about his life. it is just easy and that is that. he then emphasized again, if she were to take that away from him, it didn t guarantee that thus he would automatically be raging to have sex all the time because he views the two differently. then my friend would have the pressure to perform to get him off in the only position he can muster and that is woman on top or through oral/ hand. But even in the healthiest of his time he was never able to get off from oral or a handjob anyway. he didnt want to end up resenting her. So he asked her one more time, this is what he was offering. he loves being with her, he can do anything (that is not too physical for him) to get her off, it this i not enough for and she needs the skin to skin contact that he just cannot offer her, she can fulfill her needs with other men. (and he will remain on purpose blissfully ignorant) he has the emotional connection with her, can she go with this. my friend told him, the skin to skin contact IS the catalyst to everything for her, so if she does not have that she will start to emotionally distance herself from him, the emotional connection he is emphasizing will no longer exist for her. and she would rather make time to be with men who can provide her these needs, so it would be too much work for her to see him and find guys on the side. most of all, she just couldnt see herself doing that to him anyway. So she has decided to end it. But thank you all for replying. this helped her a lot. as well as it helped me. i still don't understand the guy's logic. oh well.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Your friend doesnt love this man enough to accept his bad sex drive although he is very good to her. So yes she should peave him, tell him she needs lots of penis and she cant commit just to his. Personally people that put sex before a man that makes them happy and treats them right, most likely will cheat anyway. If you cant control yourself around other man because you havent gotten enough sex that is very bad. maybe you do have a point here, but i dont think sex is just sex for her. I think it is the way she expresses herself to guys, thus it is a core component to a relationship for her. but even if what you said was the case, if the situation is not making her happy, then that is a problem.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 When has this guy ever seemed like anything but an understanding communicator? That said, I don't think the sex surrogate idea is going to work. Maybe he would be able to handle it, but the woman wouldn't. All it would take is another guy giving it to her good on a routine basis who also happens to like badminton and Agatha Christie novels. You see, she loves badminton and Hercule Poirot is her favorite literary character! Why am I seeing Mr. Alleve again?...yeah, no...♪I haven't got time for the pain, anymore♪. No, it's the woman who comes off a bit like a thief in the night. 1
Sameold Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 This was never going to work, she clearly wants more penis and now she can go and hunt for it. 1
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