Dreamworld Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 What is the most tactful way to break up with someone due to sexual incompatibilty without completely lying? It is a very sensitive issue so I am not sure if honesty is the best policy....Go the "it is not you it is me route?" Thanks.
Marco Valerio Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Tell him/her the truth, you are just looking for someone who wants to share with you good sex. Nothing else is important. If it's what you want you shouldn't be ashamed, right?
loveweary11 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I agree with the above poster. Just tell the truth. Maybe even give them a shot at improving. But I believe the standard line for this is, "I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you."
jen1447 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Need more info to give you appropriate suggestions.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 Need more info to give you appropriate suggestions. This is my original post in the sexual and reproductive health issues section and people gave great advice. Unfortunately my friend has decided to leave the relationship but doesnt know how to go about it for she thinks the truth would really hurt the guy. Hope its ok to repost it here: Ladies here, has your man being unable to ejaculate through intercourse been a dealbreaker for you? And if you did decide it was making you miserable that you had to break up, were you brutally honest in explaining why to him? Situation for this thread: Woman mid 30's. Really really high sex drive, needs sex at least three times a week, if she can get it every day even better. Man early 40's, divorced with two children. Woman thought she had met the man of her dreams until they tried the horizontal dance. Man got so tired, he couldn't finish. This was the first for the woman, so obviously she was very taken aback and thought there was something wrong with her that he wasn't turned on enough to well, explode. Woman has a long talk with man, and he says after turning 40, his libido has seems to have taken a really bad hit, plus he always had a weak back, but now it's really bothering him. So having sex puts pressure on his back, so the "pumping" action tires him out. She asks him if he can ejaculate through masturbation and he says yes, that he looks at porn and masturbates for release and he can ejaculate. He says it is because it takes a lot less physical work and is just easier on him. This makes the woman feel worse because it means his "gun" is still able to "shoot" but not with her. And she feels he is just making excuses. Tired and unsatisfied, she still holds on to the relationship because besides that, he is wonderful to her, but after 4, 5 more tries in bed, and the same results, and with her feeling more and more inadequate, and with her really high sex drive, she realizes she might end up cheating continuing like this, and so she seriously comtemplates ending the relationship. He tells her it's not her, it really is him, he wants so badly to have sex with her and gets turned on, but his body just is not tune with his mind and desires, and he is so sorry he is just not physically fit enough for her. He even tells her sometimes he doesn;t even finish with the masturbation and just ends up falling asleep. So he has started getting used to being satisfied without ejaculating. However, the sex part of the relationship, and to be able to see the guy finish in pleasure, which, in turn, is her pleasure, is just too important for her to compromise that. What do you do in this situation? Do you tell him the truth when breaking up? Can his body being physically weak through age and what not(as in weak stamina?) really be true, or is he making excuses for the fact that he has conditioned himself to only be able to orgasm by masturbating to porn? Thank you for reading. Someone around me is in great turmoil about this. p.s= also the fact that he was able to create two children with his ex-wife in his younger years shows at that time he was ejaculating with a woman. Last edited by Dreamworld; Yesterday at 5:47 AM..
Author Dreamworld Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 Need more info to give you appropriate suggestions. Also she has tried being on top since it takes pressure off his back to no avail. She tried for 30 minutes ( she is in very good shape) with every angle and leg position she could think of. She has tried hand jobs, blow jobs. He says he has never come through oral stimulation. So again no help there. the last two times she saw him he didnt even attempt to initiate sex. And they dont even see each other every day, twice a week at most. This basically just isnt enough sex for her. But does one say all this when breaking up. She is a really nice person so i think she doesnt want to devastate the guy. He is already feeling pretty bad I think.
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 He already feels bad enough about the situation & himself. Telling the blunt truth will simply hurt his feelings more, like rubbing salt in the wound. Something vague like this just isn't working for me, I'm sorry would be more sensitive. 2
jen1447 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Also she has tried being on top since it takes pressure off his back to no avail. She tried for 30 minutes ( she is in very good shape) with every angle and leg position she could think of. She has tried hand jobs, blow jobs. He says he has never come through oral stimulation. So again no help there. the last two times she saw him he didnt even attempt to initiate sex. And they dont even see each other every day, twice a week at most. This basically just isnt enough sex for her. But does one say all this when breaking up. She is a really nice person so i think she doesnt want to devastate the guy. He is already feeling pretty bad I think. Thanks for the clarification. I disagree with d0nnivain and think that she should respect him enough to treat him like a man and tell him the truth. That doesn't mean skewer him with "you can't get it up and you're a worthless piece of limp dick sh*t," but she could cite sexual incompatibility. He obvs already knows the issue since it's been discussed and worked on, so telling him your grandma died and you'll be busy attending the funeral or that you feel his taste in style in incompatible with yours will be an obvious lie and just reinforce his feelings of inferiority since the lie implies the belief that she doesn't think he's man enough to handle the truth.
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I am not opposed to truth. I am advocating sugar coating it.
SciFiWriter Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 How long have they been having sex/been in relationship? If it has been a short time, then it might just be a case of getting to know one another physically. If he can 'manage ' on his own then he's 'functioning'. It might be worth going to professional help.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 How long have they been having sex/been in relationship? If it has been a short time, then it might just be a case of getting to know one another physically. If he can 'manage ' on his own then he's 'functioning'. It might be worth going to professional help. My friend was casually dating ( and having regular casual sex) until they started going steady last month. He asked her specifically he wanted her to see him and only him. She agreed of course. They tried to have sex the first 4, 5 times afterwards, and they are both very busy so cant see eachother all the time, at most twice a week. So they were trying twice a week. Then they had the discussion about his ability to ejaculate when solo. I dont know how often he masturbates though. This month they have been seeing each other, but he no longer initiates sex. He is very touchy feely on their dates and from what I can glean from what she tells me he seems very attracted to her. So now here they have been exclusive for two months and basically she hasnt had sex once this month. And this is a woman who was getting sex from casual partners at least once a week prior to meeting him. Solo time is not doing it for her. It is probably doing it for him. She did tell me he is quite introverted, which is why he was so attracted to her outgoing cheerful personality ( she is very popular with the guys in general) and that he gets very nervous the first few times he has sex with a new woman. But i think for her it is just taking too long. And coupled with the fact that he can get off on his own....it affected her self esteem.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 How long have they been having sex/been in relationship? If it has been a short time, then it might just be a case of getting to know one another physically. If he can 'manage ' on his own then he's 'functioning'. It might be worth going to professional help. I think also my friend has been the first woman he has been with in a very long time. He was in a marriage where his ex never wanted sex, so even in his marriage he was probably resorting to solo time. He has trouble approaching women so after separating, it wasnt like he was going around getting laid so... Anyway I think she thinks this is all just too much work. I have had dating issues but nothing like this before but I am really understanding how this kind of stuff can really upset someone.
OneBigIdgit Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 all of his plumbing works. I think he's addicted(adickted?) to porn. I agree that he should try giving up the porn for a loooooong time. And lay off any masturbating or at least cut it down to make Mr. Jumbo stand at attention with any handling? not done from his own hand. Either he is intimidated by her, or he's just using all of his sexual time on porn. It happens. I'd tell her to 'shoot' it to him straight. Guys have to know that there is a chance that they could lose a good thing before they'll really make changes. I think since we know his stuff works, part time anyway, he should get on a workout regime and stop flogging himself and save it for her. 1
Auspecial Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Thanks for the clarification. I disagree with d0nnivain and think that she should respect him enough to treat him like a man and tell him the truth. That doesn't mean skewer him with "you can't get it up and you're a worthless piece of limp dick sh*t," but she could cite sexual incompatibility. He obvs already knows the issue since it's been discussed and worked on, so telling him your grandma died and you'll be busy attending the funeral or that you feel his taste in style in incompatible with yours will be an obvious lie and just reinforce his feelings of inferiority since the lie implies the belief that she doesn't think he's man enough to handle the truth. I think this is good advise as it may help him to be motivated to seek help for the situation. There are medical options, mechanical options, surgical options, psych options. I think libido of 3-7x/week isn't very high, its more average. So the thought of her having much less than that makes it understandable that there is incompatibility. As above poster says, he already knows this.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Hmm... I think there's more going on here than sexual incompatibility. If the woman is scared she'll cheat having this guy as her boyfriend, that says something about her. Perhaps she's better off just dating and having casual sex with men. That she entered an exclusive relationship with a guy who never sexually satisfied her also says something about her. That she would take it personal that the guy can't blow a load also says something about her. From a man's perspective, sex takes a certain amount of physical stamina. Much more than jerking off to Memphis Monroe. In a perfect world, the woman should have given an ultimatum and the guy should have stepped his game up, dispensed with porn, etc. I think the woman should lay all her cards on the table. Be as honest as possible. But it doesn't sound like she's the most self-assured type and not exactly prone to the vulnerability of intimacy, so she'll probably just take the easy way out. 2
Author Dreamworld Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 Hmm... I think there's more going on here than sexual incompatibility. If the woman is scared she'll cheat having this guy as her boyfriend, that says something about her. Perhaps she's better off just dating and having casual sex with men. That she entered an exclusive relationship with a guy who never sexually satisfied her also says something about her. That she would take it personal that the guy can't blow a load also says something about her. From a man's perspective, sex takes a certain amount of physical stamina. Much more than jerking off to Memphis Monroe. In a perfect world, the woman should have given an ultimatum and the guy should have stepped his game up, dispensed with porn, etc. I think the woman should lay all her cards on the table. Be as honest as possible. But it doesn't sound like she's the most self-assured type and not exactly prone to the vulnerability of intimacy, so she'll probably just take the easy way out. Hmm. This is an interesting observation. But I think she and the guy decided to have sex after the guy was sure they were officially a couple, which is something she really liked about him. She felt he was really courting her. I just feel she is resorting to drastic measures without even really trying to talk about this with him so I will try to give her this advice but her choice is her choice.... And yes, she says he he kept apologizing for his lack of physical stamina and says he wished he had met her a longer time ago when he was more fit. So you guys are all right about him knowing what is wrong here.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 Do you think how often he masturbates (and watches porn) would make a difference in your assessments? thank you all for your insights.
blue_jay_bird Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I just broke up with a guy because of sexual incompatibility. I ended up telling him, that he came on to strong. That he's too nice, and should create boundaries in his next relationship. I wish I could have had a better lie. It felt worse lying like this. I wish I could have better advice. Practice on a friend, and pick your words before hand. When asked more questions stick to the original script. If you start improvising you say stupid ****.
NoLeafClover Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Your friend doesnt love this man enough to accept his bad sex drive although he is very good to her. So yes she should peave him, tell him she needs lots of penis and she cant commit just to his. Personally people that put sex before a man that makes them happy and treats them right, most likely will cheat anyway. If you cant control yourself around other man because you havent gotten enough sex that is very bad. 1
Author Dreamworld Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 Your friend doesnt love this man enough to accept his bad sex drive although he is very good to her. So yes she should peave him, tell him she needs lots of penis and she cant commit just to his. Personally people that put sex before a man that makes them happy and treats them right, most likely will cheat anyway. If you cant control yourself around other man because you havent gotten enough sex that is very bad. This is so strange you wrote this because I just got off the phone with her right now (it is midnight where I am) and she had gotten back from a long heart to heart talk with him. She laid all her worries out on the table and to her surprise he was very understanding. He told her he honestly has horrible stamina along with his bad back, so trying to concentrate on an orgasm while trying not to faint as well as sometimes not feeling the stimulation enough on his bad days, is impossible. So the only release he can get is through masturbation. He told her it is a lot less work physically and hope she could understand it is really really is not her, it is his problem. And he feels embarrassed and apologetic for it. Thus he says he just cannot give her what she is needing but he really is attracted to her and would love to be intimate with her in other ways (his hands, oral, toys, etc) without the penis to vagina to orgasm scenario if she is willing to compromise and try to understand his need to masturbate. He even went so far as to tell her that if she really needs the penis action so badly then just go get those needs fulfilled elsewhere, just dont let him know about it. But he really likes her and enjoys her company so much, and to him sex is more like the topping to a cake but if to her that is the whole cake and she cant handle this then he will let her go.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I love good communication. What's she gonna do? I think she is seriously thinking it over. She was stunned he took it so well. I don't think he is willing to stop all masturbation because they are both so busy and cant plan ahead (so he cant just build it up and wait) but more than that even with all the build up he just doesnt have the stamina to get through the actual sexual workout. Oh by the way I asked her if she knew how often he masturbates and she told me it is on average once to twice a week before he goes to bed. On rare occasions more often. It says it helps him relax and sleep better. What he also said is masturbation for him is more about just easy release whereas actual sex is about release and the emotional connection. Thus not only he is no longer physically capable, he has no interest in having sex with a woman he has no emotional connection to. Which is why he tried with her and came to realize how badly in shape he actually was and felt so badly about it.
Author Dreamworld Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I love good communication. What's she gonna do? Yeah I think they are really good at communication with each other for the most part. Which is def important in a relationship too.
joseb Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Do you think how often he masturbates (and watches porn) would make a difference in your assessments? thank you all for your insights. Yeah I think this could make a difference. I think there are a couple of things he can try. Stop porn and masturbation for a couple of days before he sees her. Actually, if he can stop all porn for a while. Sometimes it has too much of a desensitising effect. Start to work out - there are exercises he can do without aggravating the back (depending on what the actual problem is). And this will increase his stamina, and might actually improve the back. If he can do something like pushups or lifting weights, this can help increase testosterone levels and increase his libido. 1
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