laurbee Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) I started a thread about 2 months ago on issues with my boyfriend. We are currently broken up, and next Saturday will mark 30 days NC. During NC I am discovering a lot of myself that I lost, not just due to dating him but also I think to having graduated college and not finding what I deemed a "suitable" job afterwards. I'm becoming very happy and confident in myself again. I've been going to the gym and actually was asked by a coworker today if I had been working out because I had gotten smaller I'm also not sitting by idly; some days are better than others where I will cry but I try to throw myself into work, my summer class, and finding things I've always wanted to do. Anyway, onto my confusing breakup. The reasons he gave for the breakup were: I got upset easily (misunderstandings ended up happening about once a week), we're in 2 different places in our lives, and his brother broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. I asked if there was anyone else, and he said no. I asked if what he had told at the beginning of our relationship was true (pretty much 100% all in commitment, in love, etc.) and he said yes. I know people say guys never give the true reasons for a breakup, but he always maintained that he would be honest with me, even if it hurt my feelings, and I have been given no reason to doubt him to this point. Now, to address his reasons: I acknowledged my getting upset easily, figured it was due to my having a hard time coping with a very difficult loss in my life, and began taking steps to heal. I told him as such. With regards to being in 2 different places, he wants to get his CFA and I want to go back to school for ultrasound. Both of these are going to take us at least 3 years to complete; neither of us wants marriage and a child tomorrow. And his brother breaking up with his girlfriend was due to "her wanting all of him all the time" (his words). I asked him what that had to do with us, and he responded that it "made more sense in his head." He had been going through a lot of stress at work and in his own life (he just bought a house right when we began dating), and while we were on a break for a couple weeks he said he didn't miss me "as much as he should have," which I suspect was due to the fact I basically told him I was going to be sitting at home waiting for him. Someone I spoke to said it sounds like he got cold feet and he would end up coming around, but the whole got cold feet puzzles me. He was the one who threw himself head first into all these serious stages, giving me a key to his place, telling me I'm the only girl he's ever been in love with. I'm just confused and am trying to understand it and make sense of it. I'm guessing this is probably a case of my trying to apply logic to an emotional situation, but who knows. Can anyone provide their 2 cents? Edited June 20, 2015 by laurbee
erklat Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 What are you doing here is overanalyzing a bunch of lies and guilt relieving bull . You don't over analyze that . He can't give you the answers he doesnt have either. Or if he has,they are not true but he convinced himself that they are so he could justifyb breaking things off with you. 2
AJH1982 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Everybody lies is one of the thinks you have to learn! It`s a defense mecanism that humans have. I am not saying he didn`t had feelings for you, but the feelings that one have for another person can change! You are analyzing everythink, dont go there it will drive you crazy. Do what you are doing gym, job, try to have fun with friends and family it is the best that you can do! You hit the 30 day NC mark, so you will overcome this situation. You are already confident and beautiful! Only time can help you! Best of luck.
lana-banana Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 The bad news is almost no one is 100% honest (or even 50% honest) when it comes to break-ups. The good news is it doesn't matter. When someone says they don't want to be with you anymore, that's all you need to know. Someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you will do whatever it takes to be with you. I damn near lost my mind when one ex broke up with me, because he kept gushing about how much he loved me and how he was a terrible person and he had so much job pressure and so on. The process of overanalyzing his words and trying to figure out how he could do this while also "loving" me left me in pieces. But it wasn't true. He was just saying everything that popped into his head while desperately trying to break it off without sounding like a complete jerk. It didn't matter. Chin up. You'll learn and grow from this experience and it will help form you into the adult you're meant to be. You have an amazing, beautiful, heartbreaking, confusing, frustrating, thrilling and completely unique life ahead. Get excited! 2
Meli22 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 It does no good to try and figure out the real reasons behind a break up like this one. I have done it myself (although I was the dumper) but my ex kept saying something was suddenly missing, he wasn't sure etc etc. gave so many vague reasons that he couldn't explain properly, blamed me one min then himself the next. I put up with his doubts for 4 months before I finally got fed up of his coldness. I too spent a long time trying to figure out what was the root of it, even now I sometimes still wonder (been 3 months since we split), but what I've realised is that it's pointless. I made up my own conclusion that he lost interest or became bored. And he's looking for something 100% perfect (said that himself pretty much). So I figured, good luck. And if you don't want me and appreciate everything I do for you, then I'll walk away myself. Soon enough it will happen for you. You'll realise that you deserve better and it's not worth it at all. My therapist did say to me that sometimes it's good to wonder all the why's in the world, because eventually your brain will tire of it and stop doing it. But don't let it take over your life. Best wishes 1
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Reading between the lines my take away from his reasons was that it boiled down to the relationship was too much work, with not enough reward & the idea of being single again with his brother was more appealing. Upon breaking up most people don't have the ability to verbalize the reasons. They don't want to hurt the other person any more then the break up already is. They may not know exactly why they want out, they just want out. Enjoy the new life you are building. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I'll echo what d0nnivain said: he realized there was too much drama and not enough good coming from this relationship. If he felt you were often upset, of course he would want out. He would have seen that he wasn't making you happy, which is very important to a guy in a relationship. As for the other reasons, I can understand being at different points. Life goes in different paths and he apparently doesn't feel your paths lined up anymore. His brother breaking up with his girlfriend is a flimsy excuse. He was grasping at straws with that one. I think he probably just didn't know how else to explain why he wasn't feeling it anymore and so he was tossing out anything he could think of. Anyway, it doesn't matter in the end. The result is the same. He has closed that chapter and you need to stop putting too much emotional energy into figuring out why. It won't help you. 1
Satu Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 My self - penned motto: "I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best, I work on in my own time." I think you've been giving your 'less than best.'
Author laurbee Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone for all your responses. I definitely did not give my best in the relationship, though I did try. Other than my getting upset easily (which as I said, I realized was due to a very difficult loss [my beloved alma mater announced it was closing; the announcement was completely unexpected and the subsequent legal battles were very stressful, but we received news today the school will remain open through next year, which is great news and buys us more time to completely secure the school] early on in the relationship and I began taking steps to heal), I didn't really have many other blemishes or missteps. I took every opportunity to tell him how I was proud of him and appreciated all he did for me, and did everything I could to build him up when we weren't in a misunderstanding. I guess my overanalyzing things is just my way of distracting myself in a way. I knew the bit about his brother was BS, and he knew it too. In fact I have a suspicion his brother is back with his girlfriend. I'm not going to lie, I haven't closed the door to a potential reconciliation/2nd chance like I have all my other relationships just because I think our problems were fixable. As silly as it sounds, I think of the future I saw with him, and it still feels like "home" and "right." But for now, I'm just trying to focus on me and heal myself, and I think he has a little growing up he may need to do as well. I'm having a hard time finding support with some of my friends, too. One of them I don't feel comfortable talking to, and another has pretty much gone out of her way to hurt me, calling my problems "trivial BS." Others are understanding and do what they can to build me up and be a shoulder for me to cry on when needed, but there are just some times that I feel so lonely and like I'm being a burden. Also, I know everyone says things like it isn't worth it, etc. But I have to be honest with y'all, I always have a hard time giving up on people. My tolerance for BS is pathetically high, and I guess I just always feel that in my heart that some people are worth the hurt if the good outweighs the bad. Edited June 21, 2015 by laurbee
dumbass2 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 "people are worth the hurt if the good outweighs the bad." Yes, if the good out weighs the bad at least 70% to 30%, but if the good out weighs the bad 51% to 49%, then no. I used to feel that the good out weighed the bad 70/30 with my ex and inside myself I wanted her back, but now I realize it was really about 50.5/49.5 and that's not good for a relationship. The good really has to out weight the bad.
foolinlove79 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I think sometimes they dont even know themselves honestly. Its true that peoples feelings sometimes just change and thats all. Actually knowing the reasons wont matter. Think about it. There is really nothing they can say that would make you ok with their decision. And sometimes its better not to know cos you either think its something that shouldnt matter enough to break up over or its something you think you can change about yourself and thats the worst cos you aee trying to be someone your not and you deserve to be loved as you are. 2
Qboro90 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 People change. If everyone felt the same way they did when they first met someone then there would be no such thing as a breakup or divorce. It's over with this guy. From all accounts you've expressed you seem to be doing very well post break up and have bettered yourself. Does this mean you need to show him that and say "well hey look at me now, I changed this, that, and the other thing... So you like/love me again and we can go back to dating now right?" Not gonna happen. Guys break up because it's over and done with. If he wanted to be with you he would be. Best of luck , don't dwell on him or the "why" any more. 1
Arieswoman Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 laurbe, I am sorry you are hurting over this. He was the one who threw himself head first into all these serious stages, giving me a key to his place, telling me I'm the only girl he's ever been in love with. In UK we have an expression - "Early ripe, early rotten". In other words guys who come on really strong at first, can often fizzle out just as fast. Next time take it a bit slower. Also I saw this;- we're in 2 different places in our lives, and when this happens usually one person has to make the compromises and wait for the other person to catch up, in order to maintain the relationship. I know you want answers because you are trying to make sense of it all, and that's understandable. We all want some kind of closure from the other person when this happens to us. However, sadly, you may never get any sensible answers from your ex and you'll need to get closure for yourself. It sounds like you are moving on with your life, so good luck with that and stay strong x
Shockwave Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 I have a feeling you're overanalyzing it. I understand because I too overanalyze things. The reality is you may never really know the reasons why. For example; I've asked friends of mine who've ended relationships why it didn't work out. Sometimes they had clear reasons. However there've been times where they couldn't "put their finger on it". Don't think you can fix the relationship by addressing the reasons he gave as to why it didn't work. On the surface it makes sense; if (fill in the blank) is the problem then I'll just quit doing (fill in the blank) and the problem is solved. Unfortunately, whatever he said was the problem was at best a half truth or at worst just an excuse he used and wasn't true.
Meli22 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 laurbe, I am sorry you are hurting over this. In UK we have an expression - "Early ripe, early rotten". In other words guys who come on really strong at first, can often fizzle out just as fast. Next time take it a bit slower. x Yeah this is true! I noticed it also. It happened with me too. My ex boyfriend was talking about us saving for a mortgage after just 3 months together! And sure enough after 18 months, once the initial honeymoon phase wore off and the relationship began stabilising, something was "missing" for him and he wanted out. So yeah, it's true that usually people who rush into things get so caught up in the initial high that they don't know how to deal with things once those unrealistic emotions settle down. He even said himself this could happen with every girl he's with after the first year. OP, there could be a million reasons why this ended but if anything you've learnt not to rush into things the next time round, and if a guy starts talking serious so early on, you'll see it as a red flag
Author laurbee Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 Thank you again, everyone for your support and messages. I may be on the road to recovery, trying really hard, and everything like that, but today has been hard. I unfortunately woke up thinking of him and haven't been able to stop really all day I know so many people will think I'm silly and tell me to stop because I am only hurting myself at this point, but even on my best days if I let my mind wander to him and I, I still see us together in the future. I know the breakup was the right decision at the time, as hurt as I am by it, because I wouldn't have rediscovered parts of myself I had lost or feel this confident in myself. There at the end, I had been unhappy and waiting for the inevitable, for the bottom to drop out. But I just can't shake the feeling our story isn't over yet, no matter how hard I try. I guess in the meantime all I can do is make myself a better person, learn from my mistakes, and grow. Be the best version of myself, so that should we begin another chapter together again, or should someone else come into my life, I'll actually be ready this time. But gosh, today has been emotional.
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