mjkcal Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Hi everyone, My girlfriend and I recently split. Although I miss her terribly, I'm full NC and haven't come close to breaking and won't, it's what has to be done. I'm a bit burned out on the online dating deal. The flakes, the lack of consideration...something I'm sure most anyone that has done it has experienced. I'm 31, and trying to come up with some alternatives to online dating. I was thinking that perhaps putting dating on the backburner and just trying to meet new people would be a good thought. Sadly, I'm not even sure how to best go about that! I've checked out meetup.com, but it's pretty inactive in my area. It is just more difficult to meet new singles in your 30s than before, for me. I guess life silos off a bit more, it's just natural. So, anyone have anything that they do to get a bit more connected? Thanks. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Do something you enjoy: play a sport, volunteer somewhere, serve on a non-profit board, go to chamber of commerce functions, work on a political campaign. It doesn't matter but get out of your house & be active in your community. Dating is a numbers game. The more people you encounter, the more likely to find somebody compatible. Also tell people you know & trust you are open to being introduced to new people. 2
yellowhibiscus Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I'm in the same boat as you. Except I have a child too and am limited to the amount of free time that I have to go out and meet people. I would love to hear more suggestions. I am with you on the online dating....haven't met anyone that really appeals to me.
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Get out and get busy with life. You have friends right? Start having a guys night to slug back a few beers, and watch a game at a sports bar. get some buddies together away from the wives to go mountain biking, fishing, hiking, camping. When you do physical activities you are bound to run into nice fit single women.
TheBathWater Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 As a man, dating in your 30's rocks. If you are closer to 30 than 40, you can date pretty much any woman you want. These are the things that worked for me. Hit the gym. Start seriously working out. Not only with you reap the physical and emotional benefits of exercise, but more and more women will notice you, thus opening doors with women you might not otherwise be able to attract. You can also make friends with some of the other people at the gym. This will help you build up a strong social circle. Start taking some college classes. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this helped me after I got my divorce. I was in my early 30's, recently divorced, and pretty women as young as 19 were hitting on me. Even if you don't want a relationship with those college age girls, hanging out, going out for drinks, and just spending time with new women helps get through a rough break up. This can also really help bolster that social circle I spoke of. On to my last one. Social media. Screw online dating. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, all that crap. That's what you want to use. Facebook is essentially online dating for single guys, but women don't view it as such. You can swipe women on Tinder all night and not get many matches, but most women will answer a Facebook message. This is how I met my GF. I'm 31 years old and support all of this, except I really have no experience dating through facebook. Positioning yourself as being connected to attractive social circles and looking attractive will do you a lot of good. I'll also say to keep trying online dating, but try different sites. You should also talk to guys who do well with online dating and ask them for pointers.
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 As a man, dating in your 30's rocks. If you are closer to 30 than 40, you can date pretty much any woman you want. These are the things that worked for me. Hit the gym. Start seriously working out. Not only with you reap the physical and emotional benefits of exercise, but more and more women will notice you, thus opening doors with women you might not otherwise be able to attract. You can also make friends with some of the other people at the gym. This will help you build up a strong social circle. Start taking some college classes. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this helped me after I got my divorce. I was in my early 30's, recently divorced, and pretty women as young as 19 were hitting on me. Even if you don't want a relationship with those college age girls, hanging out, going out for drinks, and just spending time with new women helps get through a rough break up. This can also really help bolster that social circle I spoke of. On to my last one. Social media. Screw online dating. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, all that crap. That's what you want to use. Facebook is essentially online dating for single guys, but women don't view it as such. You can swipe women on Tinder all night and not get many matches, but most women will answer a Facebook message. This is how I met my GF. Thanks for this..but if I could ask some follow ups. I'm in great shape, so I have that on my side, but I've always trained at home or outside, never been a gym goer, I could change that up. When you're new at a gym, did you just start chatting up random guys and gals? Just curious how to approach that culture. The college class idea is good. Can you tell me what type of courses you took? Were you working on a degree or just to meet people? Also, help me understand how you used facebook. Just did a search for women in your area and cold messaged them basically? Seems like there could be some angry bf's or such. Not saying I won't do it, I'm open to most anything at this point, just picking your brain as it seems you've been there and done that!
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 I'm 31 years old and support all of this, except I really have no experience dating through facebook. Positioning yourself as being connected to attractive social circles and looking attractive will do you a lot of good. I'll also say to keep trying online dating, but try different sites. You should also talk to guys who do well with online dating and ask them for pointers. Hey man, thanks for writing. I'm in great shape so I think I'm good on that front (though I'm always trying to progress of course) Any tips on how to develop that attractive social circle? I'm an introvert by nature, so it's a bit of a foreign concept. But, I'd like to take steps to do so, even if initially uncomfortable. Thanks.
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 Get out and get busy with life. You have friends right? Start having a guys night to slug back a few beers, and watch a game at a sports bar. get some buddies together away from the wives to go mountain biking, fishing, hiking, camping. When you do physical activities you are bound to run into nice fit single women. Good advice, trouble is most of my friends are out of shape and pretty not up for doing anything active. I'm very active, so I don't mesh with them in that way. I need to meet more active friends as a starting point. Any ideas? There is a hiking group on meetup.com, that may be a good starting point. 1
TheBathWater Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Hey man, thanks for writing. I'm in great shape so I think I'm good on that front (though I'm always trying to progress of course) Any tips on how to develop that attractive social circle? I'm an introvert by nature, so it's a bit of a foreign concept. But, I'd like to take steps to do so, even if initially uncomfortable. Thanks. I'm an introvert by nature too. I understand where you're coming from. When I was younger, I used to rely more on social circles. I took up salsa dancing my early twenties and became a regular in the salsa community, so that did a lot for me in terms of knowing the instructors and popular dancers, getting invited to parties, etc... and I met quite a few women this way. I've put myself out there in other communities that I felt really passionate about, like meditation, yoga, healthy eating, the music scene, being a regular at coffee shops, etc... Find what works for you and become a regular (not to get women, of course, but anticipate that you will meet 'your people' at the places you are naturally drawn to). I like women who are self-aware and take care of themselves, so all of the places I just mentioned do that for me. But still, I have to say that online dating trumps everything for me. I've used online dating on and off since my mid-twenties. I did alright with it back then, but I do really well with it now. I think I've just gotten better at learning how to compete with other men online. I post really interesting pictures of myself doing things I love, and I also think I have a pretty clever profile write up. I come across as interesting, and have also gotten good at messaging women. I'm never lost for a date when I want one. I had one this week and two this weekend coming up (all different women, and quality women at that!). I'm not really doing anything special. I've just put in the time to get used to it and figure out how to best communicate myself through the web. I'm telling you all this because I think you can do it too, if you're willing to be patient and figure out how to use it. Try out different sites too. I do better on certain ones more than others.
Phoe Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 On to my last one. Social media. Screw online dating. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, all that crap. That's what you want to use. Facebook is essentially online dating for single guys, but women don't view it as such. You can swipe women on Tinder all night and not get many matches, but most women will answer a Facebook message. This is how I met my GF. I've actually never heard of this before! Is it commonly used, or were you a bit more rare in utilizing social media this way?
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 Many of the single guys I know use Facebook for their own Internet dating. Guys are sending friend requests to women all the time on there, they just don't admit to why they are doing it. Plus, like I said before, the people who comment and like all the stuff you post are almost always digging on you. Makes dating soooo much easier! This makes a lot of sense when you put it this way. Trouble is, I actually don't have a facebook anymore (although I could reactivate it) and when I did have it I didn't post more, and I think only had about 100 friends. The introvert thing I guess. I guess I could do some poking around and start posting more and see what I could drum up, worth a shot. Thanks for the idea.
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 I'm an introvert by nature too. I understand where you're coming from. When I was younger, I used to rely more on social circles. I took up salsa dancing my early twenties and became a regular in the salsa community, so that did a lot for me in terms of knowing the instructors and popular dancers, getting invited to parties, etc... and I met quite a few women this way. I've put myself out there in other communities that I felt really passionate about, like meditation, yoga, healthy eating, the music scene, being a regular at coffee shops, etc... Find what works for you and become a regular (not to get women, of course, but anticipate that you will meet 'your people' at the places you are naturally drawn to). I like women who are self-aware and take care of themselves, so all of the places I just mentioned do that for me. But still, I have to say that online dating trumps everything for me. I've used online dating on and off since my mid-twenties. I did alright with it back then, but I do really well with it now. I think I've just gotten better at learning how to compete with other men online. I post really interesting pictures of myself doing things I love, and I also think I have a pretty clever profile write up. I come across as interesting, and have also gotten good at messaging women. I'm never lost for a date when I want one. I had one this week and two this weekend coming up (all different women, and quality women at that!). I'm not really doing anything special. I've just put in the time to get used to it and figure out how to best communicate myself through the web. I'm telling you all this because I think you can do it too, if you're willing to be patient and figure out how to use it. Try out different sites too. I do better on certain ones more than others. When you mention Yoga and meditation...do you mean you signed up for classes and became a regular type of situation? If so, that may be worth a try. I actually enjoyed yoga a bit when I tried it..I'm just awful at it. Glad to hear you cracked the online code! I think I fare ok, but have a way to go. Any chance you'd want to PM me your profile name so I could peak at how you present yourself? Yeah, I know you probably aren't good with that and I get it, but had to ask. What sites do you frequent and have better luck with? I do need to get some better pics. I do ok, but I think I'd do better with some more action photos like you mentioned. Any tips are more than welcome, believe me!
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 I am working on a degree. If you don't want to do that, take a couple cooking classes. There were like 4 guys out of 20 people in the cooking class I took. I worked in a group of 4 where I was the only guy. Out of the 3 women, I could have dated 2 of them, one older but still pretty, and one young and sexy. The young sexy girl asked me out, and we went out once, but I wasn't into her. Too dumb Cute girl though! And it doesn't hurt the ego to have a cute young girl ask me out on a date. Yeah I'm tapped out on school at the moment, I don't see myself pursuing another degree. Were the cooking classes at a community college or elsewhere?
mongo Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 hit on college girls. if you look anywhere else theres not much left for you in your 30s except for jaded single moms and the strange ones who were never married lol.
Author mjkcal Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 hit on college girls. if you look anywhere else theres not much left for you in your 30s except for jaded single moms and the strange ones who were never married lol. While I get what you're saying, I don't think it necessarily means one is strange for not being married in your 30s. I've never been married, and although I may be strange in my own way, I don't think I'm that unique. Life throws a lot of junk at you, man or woman, and we all are going to be a bit jaded one way or another after years of living. Just my opinion though.
TheBathWater Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) When you mention Yoga and meditation...do you mean you signed up for classes and became a regular type of situation? If so, that may be worth a try. I actually enjoyed yoga a bit when I tried it..I'm just awful at it. Glad to hear you cracked the online code! I think I fare ok, but have a way to go. Any chance you'd want to PM me your profile name so I could peak at how you present yourself? Yeah, I know you probably aren't good with that and I get it, but had to ask. What sites do you frequent and have better luck with? I do need to get some better pics. I do ok, but I think I'd do better with some more action photos like you mentioned. Any tips are more than welcome, believe me! I try different sites at different times: Match, OkCupid, and Tinder are my top three. I've considered using eHarmony more seriously too. Never use POF! The online part of online dating is basically like learning marketing strategy. A good tip is make sure your main photo always sticks out on the search page (black and white or some other color variation for effect). You want to stick out to the eyes from the other hundreds of photos beside yours, right? For other photos, get a versatile set going for yourself. Be doing interesting or funny things, look good, and never take a selfie. Guys obsess way too hard over what to write in their profile, but really, it's the photos and messages that go the furthest online. Do fill out a profile anyway. As long as you don't sound uninteresting and like you don't know what you're doing, you're usually okay. If you can demonstrate that you have talent, charm, confidence, intelligence, life experience, etc... all the better. For messages, I like to take a laid back approach and just comment on a thing or two about their profile that I liked, and offer a question or two for her to respond to. If she's into it, she'll write back. If I feel after a few messages there is some chemistry, I send her my cell and tell her to text me so we can make plans (I don't usually ask for her number). I usually get a text within a couple of days. And although I never did it with this effect in mind, several women have told me that my not asking for their number and instead giving them mine showed a certain level of confidence and intrigue. Having said all that, OLD is not for the faint of heart. I find it really exhausting sometimes and take a break for a little while. It gets to be overwhelming going on tons of dates with women you don't feel there is much potential beyond a fling with, and even that gets tiring quickly. Edited June 20, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine
mortensorchid Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 GUy, I'm 40 and I am in the same boat as you (but I'm a woman). All you can say is that you have to keep doing things. Get out of the house and interact with people as much as you can doing things whether it's volunteer work, joining organizations (this can start by doing some research and chatting with others online), traveling. It's all about interaction and increasing the numbers' game. You can't sit around the house and wait for something to happen, you have to get out. One thing that you really should avoid doing, however, is going to high school / college alumni get togethers (assuming you went and/or graduated from them). They are lame and for old people who don't have social skills and think that they can always fall back on these things just because they had this thing in common. True, the more common interests a person has the greater the chances of getting along. But, attending the same schools is too general. That's like saying you are only going to date people who live in the state you live in. Duh! Who would purposely look to other states to do that?
nadine5 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Online dating sucks and is chock full of psychos. Of course there are exceptions to this but not in my experience. Guys sometimes check me out at the mall or bar or whatever but no one ever talks to me, and I don't have enough friends to set me up on dates so once you figure this dilemma out let me know.
oberkeat Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Online dating sucks and is chock full of psychos. Of course there are exceptions to this but not in my experience. It does suck. The women I met online were single for a reason. Some were flakey. Some had absent personalities and poor social skills. Others didn't seem to know what they wanted at all. As far as single women are concerned, you quickly get the sense that you're scraping the bottom of the barrel with OLD. So, I'm with OP -- I need a way to get to know women offline.
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