Novice Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 How do you move on from a relationship that you know was not meant to be? Having been broken up for a while now, and being the dumper, I still struggle one day to the other with keeping myself from initiating contact again. Leading to the breakup there were things that I knew made us incompatible on a fundamental level, but after the breakup I find myself thinking it wasn't so bad, missing her immensely, and wishing I could go back to her. My days are either me feeling completely over her, only an hour later finding myself writing a text to her that I end up erasing and not sending, and it takes every ounce of self-control to not hit that send button. My question is, if I know deep inside that we're not meant to be, how can I move on and stop clinging to that hope that maybe I should give things a second try?
somebrokendude Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 How do you move on from a relationship that you know was not meant to be? Having been broken up for a while now, and being the dumper, I still struggle one day to the other with keeping myself from initiating contact again. Leading to the breakup there were things that I knew made us incompatible on a fundamental level, but after the breakup I find myself thinking it wasn't so bad, missing her immensely, and wishing I could go back to her. My days are either me feeling completely over her, only an hour later finding myself writing a text to her that I end up erasing and not sending, and it takes every ounce of self-control to not hit that send button. My question is, if I know deep inside that we're not meant to be, how can I move on and stop clinging to that hope that maybe I should give things a second try? By reminding yourself of that every single day. I wish my ex felt the way you do. She probably does but I'm not so sure it matters to me anymore. How long has it been for you two? She may be at the point of not wanting a relationship anymore. I guess it depends on how and why you split.
mightycpa Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 You had the good sense to overrule your heart... so it isn't so much that you can't be with her, it is that you choose not to be with her. It sounds like you keep making that choice over and over again, when faced with whether to call on the phone, drive over there or send a text. I'll admit that most dumpers don't feel this struggle, but don't be dissuaded by what your heart thinks. A person's heart is notorious for not having its own best interest at heart. It is a selfish thing, and considers only its immediate pleasure. It's an animal. You're not. So keep making that decision as long as you need to, and find something else to feed that animal beating inside your chest.
OldSoul86 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) How do you move on from a relationship that you know was not meant to be? Having been broken up for a while now, and being the dumper, I still struggle one day to the other with keeping myself from initiating contact again. Leading to the breakup there were things that I knew made us incompatible on a fundamental level, but after the breakup I find myself thinking it wasn't so bad, missing her immensely, and wishing I could go back to her. My days are either me feeling completely over her, only an hour later finding myself writing a text to her that I end up erasing and not sending, and it takes every ounce of self-control to not hit that send button. My question is, if I know deep inside that we're not meant to be, how can I move on and stop clinging to that hope that maybe I should give things a second try? Novice, I am going through very similar things that you are right now. I dumped my ex a couple of weeks ago because it was not working out anymore (long distance, I want kids - she doesn't, she was dragging me down emotionally, etc) and it really stings. I told a friend of mine that people who leave a relationship that is clearly not going to work, and had mustered the strength to let go for the benefit of both people, go through pretty much the same process that dumpees go through - albeit worse because you also need to deal with the guilt on top of the other emotions. Let time do its thing, and just remember that there's no shame in doing what's best for you. You need to know that ultimately you are freeing both of you up to find people that you're more compatible with - this is a (relatively) short term loss for a huge potential long term gain. There's no shame in letting go of something that doesn't suit you. You didn't give up, in fact, you gave it your all until the end - don't forget that. I feel much the same you do - one day I miss her like crazy and feel like a piece of crap for hurting her. Then the next day I feel better and am back to my old self. What I think is happening is that we're moving towards acceptance, acceptance of what will never be - and that is neither our fault or the fault of our exes either. Some people are just not meant to be together (re: fundamental differences, differing life goals/paths, etc) - and that's okay. Ultimately, you're doing each other a favour in the hopes that down the road you can both find someone more suited to the lifestyle you wish to live. As for moving on - I would grieve the loss of the relationship (please bear in mind that you didn't leave for purely selfish reasons - there is someone better out there for both of you) and then move on. Your foresight and strength enables both of you to seek that in your own respective times. Advice for letting go? Make a list of your ideal partner - list qualities, list goals, list traits, and even list some milestones you want to achieve together. I did this and saw that my ex would not have helped me accomplish a lot of what I wanted from my life. Feeling low one day? Take out the list and use it as a reminder that she was not the one for you. A relationship is more than just romance, sex, and comfort - it is about growing together as a couple, bringing the best out of one another, and helping each other reach your goals. Without the same fundamental goals (e.g., wanting kids/a family for example) a relationship is difficult or impossible to keep going. In a case where one person wants kids and the other doesn't - there is a tremendous sacrifice made by the person who wants kids, if they're to stay in the relationship. Frankly, that is unfair, and we are not obligated to stay in relationships where there are fundamental incompatibilities - you'll never find someone perfect, but you'll find someone perfect for you! ***Stay strong, keep your head up, and remember that by possessing the strength to let go, you've liberated each other. Best, OS Edited June 20, 2015 by OldSoul86 Grammar 1
Akashsingh Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 How do you move on from a relationship that you know was not meant to be? Having been broken up for a while now, and being the dumper, I still struggle one day to the other with keeping myself from initiating contact again. Leading to the breakup there were things that I knew made us incompatible on a fundamental level, but after the breakup I find myself thinking it wasn't so bad, missing her immensely, and wishing I could go back to her. My days are either me feeling completely over her, only an hour later finding myself writing a text to her that I end up erasing and not sending, and it takes every ounce of self-control to not hit that send button. My question is, if I know deep inside that we're not meant to be, how can I move on and stop clinging to that hope that maybe I should give things a second try? Next time you meet someone and like them, value the fact that they are spending invaluable time of their life with YOU. Never dump anyone. A perfect partner does not exist. There will be problems with anyone. What you need to see in a person is , he / she will be with you through the thick and thin, doesnt cheat on you and its someone you can trust. Apart from that other issues will exist in any relationship. You can not change another person. Only person you can change is yourself. never try to change someone. It doesnt seem you did but, I am just saying. Never leave anyone unless you have a rock solid reason to do so. If you dump anyone, anyone will dump you. You should count your blessing with the fact that she wanted to be with you. Don't play with her emotions and dont be selfish. She doesnt like her heart broken again and again. So dont call her unless you can promise a lifetime of relationship. If she is the one for you, by all means, call her, apologize and get back together and never look back.
foolinlove79 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I want to know what made you incompatible? Was it something big like you want kids and they dont. Or was it smaller things. Sorry but if its smaller things then i dont agree with bu in that instance. Because you wont ever meet anyone where everything is compatible. But bigger things then was right thing.
Meli22 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 It depends. Sometimes people break up and realise they made a mistake, and those incompatibilities could have been worked out. Other times we just miss the other person but know it would never work. Could you elaborate on the incompatibilities?
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