kasop Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Respect by definition is a feeling o deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, achievements, and qualities. For some of us that begged and pleaded are ex's to not end it we only strengthened there decision. Im in a month of nc and ive had the whole concept of respect on my mind for a few days. I geuss i never really understood what it ment. My ex turned very cold on me after the b/u. And its not just her.. previous ex's have done the same to me that were the dumpers. Ive learned that they dont like to see this side of us. They dont "admire" our actions of begging and pleading. My ex's exact words were "you wanting me back makes me not want you back". The last thing i believe a dumpee wants is for their ex to lose all respect for them. When they make their decision you bow and split. This is the most honorable thing to do. Also have it for yourself.. throwing yourself at the mercy of your ex only shows that you are weak. Most dumpees dont understand the pain so they think its sad and pathetic. This only causes us more pain. Talk about unattractive. Im 25 and im just now learning all this. If you are being dumped or about to be please dont fall weak in front of them. Show them you are strong.. say take care and walk away. Then start nc and being the healing process. It will make healing move alot faster this way. Also alot better chance of reconciliation down the road if thats what you want. I hope this helps some of you. You can comment opinions if you like. Have a great weekend my fellow love shackers!! ☺☺☺☺ 1
mightycpa Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Well, who cares what they think about you? In the end, what matters is that you understand what the ex thinks doesn't matter. While I've never asked to get back together, I've done it both ways. I've done strict NC, and I've also stayed in close touch (In Contact) as my feelings subsided. I never bothered her with relationship stuff, we just hung out and comforted each other. For me, IC was both quicker and less painful than NC, because I got to wean myself off of her. In the end, both were equally effective. For me, it was a question of how much pain I could tolerate. I loved the NC one more, and I couldn't even imagine being near her, given our situation. NC was totally for me when I used it. It was the only way to protect myself. I think the main thing is that you must, as you advise, refuse to "fight" for the relationship, and instead, fight your urges. If your ex wanted you, you wouldn't be in the situation you find yourself in, and it is difficult to accept your new reality. Whatever you do to understand where you really stand is probably right, as long as it gets you there.
JourneyLady Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 In my case, it was his normal lack of respect for me and my viewpoint that caused me to leave him. I came back several times when things he said and things he was willing to do made me believe he was capable of learning to treat me with respect (rather than belittling, avoiding, angry outbursts). We read, listened, etc. to all kinds things designed to help us learn to negotiate. All to no avail, because he couldn't get over the disregard of me that set in any time we had a disagreement. It was his way or nothing, all the way across. Yes, he begged me back several times and did not lose my respect for it. What lost my love, however, was the insistence on being a bully and manipulating. I lost faith that he could or would ever be able to do fair negotiation with me. I saw him control his temper with others, but not really ever with me. In fact, when he was mad at others, he would be polite with them and even more angry with me at the next disagreement (and sometimes those disagreements followed unusually quick). It really has to do with how the relationship was before the split. HOPE is the biggest factor... If there is hope for change, the partner may return (unless they find someone better or more willing to meet their needs). No hope - no return, no matter how many sweet words are uttered...
kismetkismet Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I think this is very true for situations when the breakup is because the dumper has simply lost feelings, met someone else, decided to move on or what have you. However, if they dumped you because of something that you were doing wrong, and you want them back and think you can fix your behaviour... then i think you should explain that you are willing to change and work on the relationship. Don't PLEAD, no one is going to take you back out of pity, but don't necessarily walk away if you think you can fix it.. Reason with them and lay out for them what you want and what you're willing to contribute. If they are still resolved to break up, then yes, walk away. I think the key here is the difference between begging and pleading, and showing that you will make an effort to work on things. like i said, no one will take you back out of pity if the reason that they broke up with you is unchanged, but they might take you back out of love and the belief that whatever they saw that was broken can change.
Author kasop Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Thank you for all the responses. Yes i know every situation is different. For me we had a very fast, intense relationship. She said she wasent happy anymore. We broke up. She came back for one day after i pleaded and we never worked on anything. So the next day she said she couldnt find a reason why to be back together. She never gave me another reason after that. Only that this was hard for her to do. I could of left it at that but decided to "fight" for her. It only irritated her to the point of resentment and lost all respect for me. So im in nc now and have learned alot going through this process. Now that i look back at the r/s i really see where i made mistakes and the lack of communication. It took me some time in nc and to lose her to really see what i needed to change. But after the way i acted post b/u its completly over. Now its just me and im learning to cope and be okie with that.
lauri Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I see what you're saying and agree OP. It's not that you should care about what your ex thinks of you. When a girl ends it with you and loses interest, it's over forever. So you're mistakes of begging mean nothing in the long run. The most important thing is self respect and being able to walk away. That means that even if the you're madly in love with someone and they do something to hurt you and if you aren't able to walk away you aren't respecting yourself. How can anyone expect any significant other to respect them if they let this happen? 25 isn't old by any means. Most men don't learn what you're saying in an entire lifetime.
ravfour4 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I think all relationships are different. Begging of course always makes you look terrible after a break up because they've already stopped loving you, therefore they see you as a random guy begging, which is very unattractive. If they still loved you, they may see some degree of begging (in a non whining manner) a sign of how much you care, that's just not the case after a break up unless she broke up with you because she thought you didn't care.
aloneinaz Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 When someone tells you they are done w/the relationship and no longer want you in their lives, it's a very strong statement. People don't make knee jerk reactions like that. It's been in their mind for a while in that they were not happy and felt their lives would be better off without you in it. My last ex and I were off/on due to her issues. The last time she got pissed over something trivial, I simply asked her "what do you want to do"? She said she was done. I said, are you sure? Cause if you are, I'm not coming back. She said she was. I said I'd be back in the next day or two to get my stuff. The next day, I texted her to see if my stuff was at her door where I'd put her stuff. She said yes. I dropped her stuff, grabbed mine and left. I was NOT going to say another word to her...PERIOD. I was very proud of myself for going strict NC. She was blocked on everything. I healed, moved on and met my now almost 2 year GF a few months later. Was it hard? Yes.. Was I right in saying to myself that it was over, done, finished, stick a fork in it? Hell yes. This site taught me a lot post break up. Her hearing nothing from me post her ending it knocked the chip of her shoulder. Stroking her ego further by contacting her was out of the question. I wasn't going back for more of her BS. She heard nothing from me. Going NC allowed me to heal and move forward. 5.5 months later this ex tried to get me back and was told no. She suffered for months w/dumpers remorse. I was ignoring her but she kept emailing off/on. She finally gave up. She made her decision and the consequences of it are she'll never be with me again. In all the relationships I've ended, I did it with kindness and respect. I knew by ending the relationship, that I'd never be with them again. Some dumper think they can simply reappear and the dumped will come back running. Vanishing from their life immediately after being dumped let's them know that's not going to be the case. 2
guest569 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 It takes so much strength but i wish i had the ability to walk away without a word. But at the time i felt like i had to try, I had nothing to lose, and would do whatever I could think of to make things right. I agree that it only strengthened his decision to part ways. But if a person really loved you, i dont think the fact that you want them would drive them away. This would only have that impact on someone who was already having doubts about their feelings toward you. 1
The Poster Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I don't know. I've been on both ends of the spectrum. When my first relationship ended, I pathetically begged and pleaded and tried to win her back. When the second one ended, I simply said "good luck, I hope you find what you're looking for." While I HANDLED the second one better, I didn't FEEL better about anything. And I certainly don't think she thought and better of me because I handled her walking away sweet and classy. Like mightycpa said, in the end, it doesn't really matter. They're still gone and we still have to keep looking for what else is out there.
erklat Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Solid advice. The only thing I'm sorry about is not leaving in silence, on time. If I was smarter I'd see through her ploys and walk away with dignity. That is the only thing I'd change. if I could, I wouldn't choose to remain the same because of achievementa I made because of that heartbreak.
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