superkatnip Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 New here and looking for guidance. I have been dating a great guy for about 20 months. Funny, smart, and does all the right BF things. We have a ball, get along great, I stay at his house 2-4 nights a week. We have both met each others family and friends and all is well. We have even recently vacationed together for 3.5 days and it went really well. We have similar goals, outlooks, and politics. Have only had two minor disagreements that were resolved in less than an hour. We talk/text daily on the days we do not see each other and share both ups and downs with each other. He includes me in all of his plans and often uses "we" when talking about the future. My only issue is that while he is very communicative otherwise, he doesn't say those three words. Now I have seen him with his adult daughters often and have not heard him say it to them either. My ex-husband often said he loved me, but was emotionally abusive and ended up cheating on me. I actually feel more loved by this man than I did in the last 10 years of my marriage, so I wonder if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. The last thing I want to do is make him feel that I do not appreciate all he does for me by bringing up "why don't you say you love me?" I would appreciate some input.
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 New here and looking for guidance. I have been dating a great guy for about 20 months. Funny, smart, and does all the right BF things. We have a ball, get along great, I stay at his house 2-4 nights a week. We have both met each others family and friends and all is well. We have even recently vacationed together for 3.5 days and it went really well. We have similar goals, outlooks, and politics. Have only had two minor disagreements that were resolved in less than an hour. We talk/text daily on the days we do not see each other and share both ups and downs with each other. He includes me in all of his plans and often uses "we" when talking about the future. My only issue is that while he is very communicative otherwise, he doesn't say those three words. Now I have seen him with his adult daughters often and have not heard him say it to them either. My ex-husband often said he loved me, but was emotionally abusive and ended up cheating on me. I actually feel more loved by this man than I did in the last 10 years of my marriage, so I wonder if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. The last thing I want to do is make him feel that I do not appreciate all he does for me by bringing up "why don't you say you love me?" I would appreciate some input. I actually feel more loved by this man -- Men are notorious for finding it difficult to say those words. Do not pressure him about it. You can attempt to draw him out in a non-pressuring way. You can say something like "I'm enjoying the relationship we have and appreciate all the things you do and the way you make me feel". And, then let him talk. 1
Gary S Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 This is a gender difference thing. Many of the very best guys don't run around saying "I love you" all the time. Many never say it, only in times of tragedy. Pop-psychology is wrong. It's okay! You know he loves you by the way he looks at you, holds you, touches you, says it with his eyes, and by the way he treats you. Whatsamatter, you don't like Squint Eastwood? 2
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) New here and looking for guidance. I have been dating a great guy for about 20 months. Funny, smart, and does all the right BF things. We have a ball, get along great, I stay at his house 2-4 nights a week. We have both met each others family and friends and all is well. We have even recently vacationed together for 3.5 days and it went really well. We have similar goals, outlooks, and politics. Have only had two minor disagreements that were resolved in less than an hour. We talk/text daily on the days we do not see each other and share both ups and downs with each other. He includes me in all of his plans and often uses "we" when talking about the future. My only issue is that while he is very communicative otherwise, he doesn't say those three words. Now I have seen him with his adult daughters often and have not heard him say it to them either. My ex-husband often said he loved me, but was emotionally abusive and ended up cheating on me. I actually feel more loved by this man than I did in the last 10 years of my marriage, so I wonder if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. The last thing I want to do is make him feel that I do not appreciate all he does for me by bringing up "why don't you say you love me?" I would appreciate some input. We have similar goals, -- Is one of those goals dating for marriage? Have you ever discussed what you each wanted for yourselves out of your dating experiences? Are you on the same page there? If you are, don't pressure a man to say they love you. Because if you do and they don't really love you, they will say it because that's what you want to hear. Putting them on the spot by asking "why don't you say you love me" says to them that all the effort they put into showing you they love you (if they are doing that), either isn't appreciated or enough and that makes them feel bad. You can tell him you love him, but don't ask him to say it. Do things and create the environment that allows him to do that when he wants to. If he is not otherwise making you feel loved, that would be another story. If all the elements of a good quality relationship exist for you, don't pressure. Edited June 19, 2015 by Redhead14
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Why do we treat men like they are fragile vases that risk breaking if we squeeze them a little ! He's been dating you for 2 YEARS. You have proven to him over and over you are worthy of his trust, you are loving, reliable, attentive. What else does he need?? At his age, with his baggage, he should be able to express a simple feeling with words 'love'. If he cannot than it's A. He is not in love B. He suffers from emotional constipation and he needs an enema. Which means you get it out of him. 2
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 You can tell him you love him, but don't ask him to say it. Do things and create the environment that allows him to do that when he wants to. If he is not otherwise making you feel loved, that would be another story. If all the elements of a good quality relationship exist for you, don't pressure. He's a grown man. This sounds like the advice I would give a 3 years old I am trying to potty train (not trying to be disrespectful) 1
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Why do we treat men like they are fragile vases that risk breaking if we squeeze them a little ! He's been dating you for 2 YEARS. You have proven to him over and over you are worthy of his trust, you are loving, reliable, attentive. What else does he need?? At his age, with his baggage, he should be able to express a simple feeling with words 'love'. If he cannot than it's A. He is not in love B. He suffers from emotional constipation and he needs an enema. Which means you get it out of him. Just as women wish men would understand them better, women need to understand men better and more importantly, understand the one they are with. Men are not fragile, but they do experience emotion and have different natural tendencies and whether or not we like it, there are differences and those differences need to be respected and understood in order to get the same in return. Unless she really has reason to question him, she shouldn't question him. She can and should "elevate" the desire to hear it from him and observe his reaction, etc. Questions are pressuring and a negative question sends a negative vibe from the get go -- "Why don't" . . . Positive statements allow for a mutual exchange of thought and emotion. A negative statement would be one that starts out "You never do X, you dont . . . And this goes for both men and women.
kendahke Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Do his actions show you that he loves you? He might be one of those who shows his love instead of telling you about it because he may feel that his actions of evidence of his love for you. Do you need to hear it more than being shown it? Read "The 5 Love Languages". Would help you out immensely in this. 1
Author superkatnip Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 We tell each other often how much we appreciate each other, how much we have in common and enjoy what we have. Neither one of us is gushy, but we do often say how luck we are. I have never been needy emotionally. My ex-husband was a black hole of need and I hated it. It kind of bugs me that this is even entering into my head. As to our common goals, We both wanted committed a committed, exclusive relationship and he asked me to be his GF pretty early on. Marriage has not been ruled out or in. We are both were burnt badly in our marriages. Before meeting him, it was actually of off the table for me. I am not so sure now. I can easily see us growing old - (ok older as we are not kids for sure) together. He was also quite the player (musician, business owner) for years after his divorce and only had one LTR GF (more than a few months) in the past 20 years. All of this information has come from his friends and they often ask me what I put in his water:) He is a big caretaker (as am I) and he does the right BF things like fix my car, set up my stereo, cooks for me, checks up on me, 2
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 We tell each other often how much we appreciate each other, how much we have in common and enjoy what we have. Neither one of us is gushy, but we do often say how luck we are. I have never been needy emotionally. My ex-husband was a black hole of need and I hated it. It kind of bugs me that this is even entering into my head. As to our common goals, We both wanted committed a committed, exclusive relationship and he asked me to be his GF pretty early on. Marriage has not been ruled out or in. We are both were burnt badly in our marriages. Before meeting him, it was actually of off the table for me. I am not so sure now. I can easily see us growing old - (ok older as we are not kids for sure) together. He was also quite the player (musician, business owner) for years after his divorce and only had one LTR GF (more than a few months) in the past 20 years. All of this information has come from his friends and they often ask me what I put in his water:) He is a big caretaker (as am I) and he does the right BF things like fix my car, set up my stereo, cooks for me, checks up on me, Revel in the love he shows you. Show him the same. If you are really feeling the need to tell him, tell him. "I love the life we have and am looking forward to the future with the man I love" Hopefully, he will at least come back with a quip "oh, the mailman? 1
Author superkatnip Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Just as women wish men would understand them better, women need to understand men better and more importantly, understand the one they are with. Men are not fragile, but they do experience emotion and have different natural tendencies and whether or not we like it, there are differences and those differences need to be respected and understood in order to get the same in return. Unless she really has reason to question him, she shouldn't question him. She can and should "elevate" the desire to hear it from him and observe his reaction, etc. Questions are pressuring and a negative question sends a negative vibe from the get go -- "Why don't" . . . Positive statements allow for a mutual exchange of thought and emotion. A negative statement would be one that starts out "You never do X, you dont . . . And this goes for both men and women. I would never ask him like this. Not my style, I just do not want to make him feel that I do not appreciate all he does for me and how he treats me. I also think that I have not addressed it before now as his business has been struggling sine I have know him and he has huge financial burdens. I get that men are defined by what they do and the last thing I want to do is make him feel more beat down.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Just as women wish men would understand them better, women need to understand men better and more importantly, understand the one they are with. This is not a man thing, it's a person thing. I never was with a man that was afraid of saying ILY, he may have been afraid of saying it first, but that's about it. And I am not talking about nagging the man. I think OP should tell him she loves him. After 2 years she must be about to burst from not saying it and then see if she gets it back or not. OP tell him, you're a big girl, you can tell a man you love him after 2 years dating. 2
Author superkatnip Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Revel in the love he shows you. Show him the same. If you are really feeling the need to tell him, tell him. "I love the life we have and am looking forward to the future with the man I love" Hopefully, he will at least come back with a quip "oh, the mailman? Ha Redhead... he is a huge jokester and that answer would be very him. I have seen a few kinks in his expressive armor of late - like saying last week how perfect we were for each other, after an especially nice night. I am in this for the long haul and will just give us time. I am coming to realize that love is a gift that is given without expectation of anything in return, so I really like the idea of just telling him without needing to hear it back. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 He's a grown man. This sounds like the advice I would give a 3 years old I am trying to potty train (not trying to be disrespectful) No disrespect taken. However, at 56, having finished my degrees in psychology, having been married for 30 years, dating for a few years after that, and dating a man for one year and engaged to him for one year before he passed away in 2013, and with my current SO for a year plus, I've learned a lot about human nature. 2
Gary S Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) No disrespect taken. However, at 56, having finished my degrees in psychology, having been married for 30 years, dating for a few years after that, and dating a man for one year and engaged to him for one year before he passed away in 2013, and with my current SO for a year plus, I've learned a lot about human nature. - Yes, you know a lot. (But Gaeta is also extremely intuitive.) OP, does he say sweet nothings, call you pet names? By the way, a woman saying "I love you" to a man is code for: "Now you say it". I'm just sayin'! Edited June 19, 2015 by Gary S 1
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 - Yes, you know a lot. (But Gaeta is also extremely intuitive.) OP, does he say sweet nothings, call you pet names? By the way, a woman saying "I love you" to a man is code for: "Now you say it". I'm just sayin'! I think Gaeta is terrific and she's coming along in the learning curve . . .
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Men will stay in long term relationships without being in love. They do it because it's comfortable and it gives them emotional security, they do appreciate and respect a great deal the woman with them but they are not in love. I don't have book knowledge on psychology but I got field experience ;-) I think after all this time with him OP should just tell him she loves him. After 2 years there is no dancing around the pot anymore to have him say it. I would not be able to in a long term relationship with a man that cannot say those simple words. My last long term partner took a year to tell me. We were at the point of making plans to buy a house together and I backed down. He asked why and I said I didn't want to live with someone who's not in love with me. He right away said ILY and said he was waiting for me to say it first as last time he said it the lady did not reciprocate. The following 4 years he told me 10 times a day he loved me. He had no problem expressing it, he just had a problem getting that first one out. 1
Gary S Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 While intuition is a huge part of understanding relationships and dating, perhaps the most important part, this thread is not about something that is intuitive. It's about a subtle difference between men and women.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I think Gaeta is terrific and she's coming along in the learning curve . . . You 2 don't laugh at me ;-) 1
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 - By the way, a woman saying "I love you" to a man is code for: "Now you say it". I'm just sayin'! Actually I was listening to a psychologist on radio the other day and he said when a woman says I love you it means I love you. When a man says I love you it means I desire you. So if a man says to you I love you and you answer back I love you too, he's hearing I desire you too. That's why men always make a sexual move after an ILY.
Gary S Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I don't have book knowledge on psychology but I got field experience ;-) - the best relationship knowledge originates from field experience 1
Author superkatnip Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 He does call me sweetie, honey and some some non-PG names too From what I know of his past, he is not one to hang around for comfort. He nice dated a woman (very pretty and wealthy - from what a buddy of his told me) for about 6 months and even though everything was perfect on paper, but he just didn't "feel' it. He has often said to me that he would rather be alone than with the right person. And actually after his last GF - they broke up about 2 years before we met, he dated, but mostly just hung out with the guys. I do agree that I need to tell him how I feel, if for nothing else than to be authentic to myself. However, I don't want - ask Gary says make him feel obligated to say it back. And as for the desire thing.. he has no problem expressing that LOL. I guess I am wondering what "Love" looks like as we get older. We are both in our 50's. I have no need for hearts and flowers and BS drivel. That is really not me at all.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I guess I am wondering what "Love" looks like as we get older. We are both in our 50's. I have no need for hearts and flowers and BS drivel. That is really not me at all. I am turning 50 this year, to me falling in love has been stronger, deeper, purer, definitely less selfish, less demanding and it's been more about giving than taking. I am surprised you both are in your 50s. At that age he should have grown enough emotionally to express a simple ILY. 1
Gary S Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I do agree that I need to tell him how I feel, if for nothing else than to be authentic to myself. However, I don't want - ask Gary says make him feel obligated to say it back. - Don't misunderstand me, he's not necessarily going to feel pressured if you tell him you love him. He does not know what I know, I'm a relationship coach/writer. I guess I am wondering what "Love" looks like as we get older. We are both in our 50's. I have no need for hearts and flowers and BS drivel. That is really not me at all. - it looks the same at all ages. Love does not know age. Also, it's good that he says sweet things to you. That's another way men say, "I love you".
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