unknownuser631 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Hey everyone, I found this site in search of some advice and glad I found this forum, as I'm completely lost. My "girlfriend" and I met in high school, I'm 26, she 24. We have always had a good relationship. We did take a break once during a summer which was mutual. I started sleeping at her place early in the relationship, and we have literally have always been together, not only was she my partner, but she is (was?) my best friend. Which seems to be hurting me even more. We have always hung out with the same group of people, I pushed a lot of my friends away towards the middle of our relationship as they all started doing hard drugs, and I didn't want to be around that, so I started hanging out with many of her friends (mostly girls). We all go along so well as a group as well. We even went to Europe together 2 years ago for a month (she also just did a "TBT" picture of her in Europe on Facebook) We had so many plans for this summer, we had a boat party booked, a trip with the group of friends for a weekend, going to the beach having fires, and so forth. Just thinking about all this upsets me even more. About a week ago, I noticed we were getting distant and barley talking, not sure why.. just happend. about 4 days ago she said she wanted a break, some space to figure her self out. I know many will say their is another guy, but I know for a fact their is no other guy right now. She told me, we have been arguing a lot, fighting (not really), not agreeing with each other (true) and we seem to be attacking each other (semi true). She said let's take it day by day. I still have a lot of my stuff at her place and she said will figure it out. She told me we shouldn't talk but I don't know what to do with myself. I worry for her and her well being and don't want her hurt. Here is my list of problems 1) I really don't know what to do with myself.. summer is beginning and we both have the same friends. This hurts me knowing that I know I shouldn't hang out with the same group of people as she is. 2) I have 3 of my own friends.. but they work all the time and aren't good people to talk to about relationships cause they are all single. I know they will just tell me to go to bar and hook up(not what I want to do) 3) I don't know how to keep my mind off of this whole thing.. I run a business which literally runs it self so I don't even have work to keep me distracted. 4) My other things I do is read, gym, and play video games.. anything else was always done with her. I have this option of going back to Europe as I have family there, but I was planning to go for the winter as it's too cold her for me. I also don't want to "run away" from my problems. I have no intentions on dating or seeing other women (I don't mind making new friends, just hard to find good ones). I feel extremely depressed, no idea what to do with myself, every time I try to do something to get my mind off I just tear up. My parents are asking me where she is, just tell them shes working. I would love some advice. What should I do when or If she does reach out to me in a few weeks, or what happens if she all of a sudden decides she made a mistake in a few weeks and wants me back? like i said.. I'm not only loosing my partner, but am loosing literally my best friend sorry if non of this doesn't even make sense.. can't think properly
mightycpa Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) I would love some advice. What should I do when or If she does reach out to me in a few weeks, or what happens if she all of a sudden decides she made a mistake in a few weeks and wants me back? My advice would be to stop thinking this way. You've been together 9 years. It's the only reality you know. Now, a new reality has been introduced, and you have no idea how to cope. You're like a kid whose pacifier has been taken away. You want it back because it comforts you, not because you need it. All you're really focused on is how this doesn't feel right, and you're lost because deep down inside, you know there's not a damn thing you can do about it. So the very first thing you need to do is to make sure you sever all ties with her, and all communications. If you moved in with her, pack your stuff and go. If she moved in with you, pack her stuff and send it. Do this without a word if you can. I know you feel like you probably need long conversations with lots of explanation, but you don't. I also know that this advice will meet a wall of doubt in your heart. What if she thinks I don't care? What if she thinks I don't love her? What if I make the biggest mistake of my life? Ignore all that doubt. Do it. Second, you need to stop thinking with your heart, which is full of false hope. You need start thinking with your head. A good exercise is to imagine the way you would need to feel if you were the one who asked for a break, putting your entire relationship in jeopardy. How committed to the idea of a break would you have to be in order to stop things in their tracks? It would have to be a pretty big deal to you, wouldn't it? As in, important enough to hurt the other person and put the relationship in jeopardy? Right? And if you put yourself in this same mindset, you'll feel the love in your heart diminish, and the need for self grow. That's how she feels right now. You can do it, but you can't sustain it, because you don't really want whatever it is that she wants. But you can do it long enough to understand the big difference between your feelings and hers. This exercise should be instructive to you. What's the third thing you can do? You should work on accepting this reality, not emotionally, but intellectually. You should try to understand the meaning of the word over. Once you understand things intellectually, it becomes second nature to reject the second-guessing, and the what-ifs and the daydreaming, because all of those thoughts will end in breakup. After you do that, you need to grieve. She probably did all her grieving while you were around, slowly, little by little. You were chugging along without a clue while she was entertaining her doubts. She was probably afraid to talk to you about it, she didn't know how to even bring it up. Oh, 631, I'm afraid you might not be the guy for me! I'm having so many doubts! Nobody tells you that. They work their way through it silently, and when they've come to terms with it, they drop the bomb on you. And after you grieve for a few days, distraction is the key. Maybe you should launch a second business that runs itself. You can't have too many of those. Maybe challenge yourself to do something you've wanted to do, but didn't have the time or the freedom to do. That's my advice. If you ignore it, you can travel the path of so many others on here, which is to fret and worry and pester and get repeatedly rejected and wonder why until you finally get the message. The more you stay in contact, the worse you look, and it doesn't make much sense to stay in contact if you can accept you're at the end. It is all about acceptance at this point. She's made her move, and now it's time to make yours. Good luck OP631! Edited June 19, 2015 by mightycpa 2
sly_fly1 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Is it a break or a break up, because either she met someone else, she wants time to see if she even misses you when your gone, or she just straight up can't stand you. Go do something amazing, and if you can live without her then you can definitely give it a second shot
Author unknownuser631 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) My advice would be to stop thinking this way. You've been together 9 years. It's the only reality you know. Now, a new reality has been introduced, and you have no idea how to cope. You're like a kid whose pacifier has been taken away. You want it back because it comforts you, not because you need it. All you're really focused on is how this doesn't feel right, and you're lost because deep down inside, you know there's not a damn thing you can do about it. So the very first thing you need to do is to make sure you sever all ties with her, and all communications. If you moved in with her, pack your stuff and go. If she moved in with you, pack her stuff and send it. Do this without a word if you can. I know you feel like you probably need long conversations with lots of explanation, but you don't. I also know that this advice will meet a wall of doubt in your heart. Ignore all that doubt. Do it. Second, you need to stop thinking with your heart, which is full of false hope. You need start thinking with your head. A good exercise is to imagine the way you would need to feel if you were the one who asked for a break, putting your entire relationship in jeopardy. How committed to the idea of a break would you have to be in order to stop things in their tracks? It would have to be a pretty big deal to you, wouldn't it? As in, important enough to hurt the other person and put the relationship in jeopardy? Right? And if you put yourself in this same mindset, you'll feel the love in your heart diminish, and the need for self grow. That's how she feels right now. You can do it, but you can't sustain it, because you don't really want whatever it is that she wants. But you can do it long enough to understand the big difference between your feelings and hers. This exercise should be instructive to you. What's the third thing you can do? You should work on accepting this reality, not emotionally, but intellectually. You should try to understand the meaning of the word over. Once you understand things intellectually, it becomes second nature to reject the second-guessing, and the what-ifs and the daydreaming, because all of those thoughts will end in breakup. After you do that, you need to grieve. She probably did all her grieving while you were around, slowly, little by little. You were chugging along without a clue while she was entertaining her doubts. She was probably afraid to talk to you about it, she didn't know how to even bring it up. Nobody tells you that. They work their way through it silently, and when they've come to terms with it, they drop the bomb on you. And after you grieve for a few days, distraction is the key. Maybe you should launch a second business that runs itself. You can't have too many of those. Maybe challenge yourself to do something you've wanted to do, but didn't have the time or the freedom to do. That's my advice. If you ignore it, you can travel the path of so many others on here, which is to fret and worry and pester and get repeatedly rejected and wonder why until you finally get the message. The more you stay in contact, the worse you look, and it doesn't make much sense to stay in contact if you can accept you're at the end. It is all about acceptance at this point. She's made her move, and now it's time to make yours. Good luck OP631! Thank you for this in depth reply, it will definitely take a bit for it all to make sense to me, I feel as my entire body is in shock still and I can't comprehend anything. You're right about the pacifier.. that's exactly how I feel. It makes things worse, cause when we got together she helped me a lot as I was in a bad state at that age being depressed and what not. She helped me out with that and made my life more enjoyable. If it wasn't for her, I would had never started this business either. I should have mentioned also, her dads house is literally around the corner from me.. so it will be hard to avoid her. I thought about starting another business to keep my mind off of everything, but my mind feels flooded. You mentioned I should go get my stuff from her place ( she lives with her mom) so I should just go there when shes not around and pack it up? When I asked her what I should do with all my stuff at her place, she replied back to me saying "Will figure it out" meaning (not getting any hopes up) 1) Shes really thinking about us and doesn't want me gone for good yet or 2) She doesn't want to deal with it right now as she needs to think Why do I feel like this is unfair to me, and we should be talking or she should be explaining her self a bit to me? this literally all happened out of the blue and mainly through text messages.. Is it a break or a break up, because either she met someone else, she wants time to see if she even misses you when your gone, or she just straight up can't stand you. Go do something amazing, and if you can live without her then you can definitely give it a second shot She mentioned "break", "space" and "time" she never said "break up" but she mentioned she needs to think about her self and figure her self out. I'm 95% sure theirs no one else involved. Edited June 19, 2015 by unknownuser631
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 You met and committed when you were both far too young to think logically about what commitment means at that age. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but this had 'fail' written all over it, because sadly, those who meet at such a young age, cannot possibly be in the right frame of mind to understand that it's the first - but invariably, it will not be 'the last'. This is the problem... You weren't 'fully cooked' yet. Furthermore, as far as I have witnessed on this forum (and sad to say, you are one of many experiences of this exact nature) it;s the girl who bails. Why? Because in some mental aspects, girls mature ahead of boys. She's outgrown you. She's moved on, because you no longer float her boat, and it's a great big world out there. And she wants to go get some of it....
mightycpa Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I will simply say that it is one thing to ask to deal proactively with the petty bull**** that goes on between two people from time to time, and it is quite another to ask for a break. You can ask for some time to yourself because you need to clear your head and think without distraction or influence, or you can ask for a break. The word "break" conjures up uncertainty in a relationship, the whole specter of termination, while the other things might indicate only some cooling-off time. She dropped a bomb on you, which is not what you expected. There's a reason you didn't expect it - it's because this feels like the end. If you had any intention of sticking around, you'd do it differently, without all the shock and trauma. Like I said, time to start thinking with your head. I know it's tough. Whether consciously or not, she used the word break. She has shown you her hand, and frankly, she's taking the coward's way out. First, this break is intended for her, not for you. And whatever the issue is that threatens her relationship, she doesn't want you both to think about it together, or to deal with it together; she wants to go figure it out, and she'll let you know. What neither of you know is that she's already given you her answer, in code language. We are here to decipher it for you, because so many of us have received the same message, masked in the same code. Second, the implicit message in this is that she thinks you're either not strong enough or not worthy enough to hear the truth about her situation. This does not bode well for you either way. Again, more evidence that one generally can only grasp in hindsight. So, what do you do? Yeah, go get your stuff while she's not around. You don't need an excuse, and you don't need to explain. If you know her schedule, then show up once you know she's gone. Don't leave anything of yours behind, except perhaps a note that says you're the one who needs some space now, and to please avoid you while you take it. 4
Author unknownuser631 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 I guess I'll have to go when shes not working.. her schedule changes daily so it'll be hard not to avoid her. I just have one problem.. I need closure.. I need to know if she is seeing someone or not.. if I don't know the truth I'm never gonna move on. I hate being lied to. How (as my last question to her) can I go about on asking her if shes seeing someone else. And this just hit me.. before me and her started dating 9 years ago she was with this other girl who played a big part of her life and even managed break her parents apart... She went to a concert with her other friends and managed to bump into each other and hung out. She also started liking a lot of her pictures on facebook. Girl or Guy, I don't care but I need to know if she is seeing anyone. as mentioned, how can I go about on asking her without her lying to me if she is seeing someone else. Should I ask a friend of the group? I'm sure many will say no, but as I said.. I need this closure.
EgoJoe Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 There is or will be someone else soon. Move on now during the shock, it becomes easier. You only ought to be with someone who is absolutely sure they want to be with you. End it for good, you'll feel better she eventually be glad you did.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 And how will you feel if you find out there is someone else in the picture? How will that help you move on? I don't think that's going to give you the closure you seek. I think it would provide some clarity, but I don't believe it will help you heal necessarily. I also wouldn't expect her to be completely truthful, but not because she has a malicious intent. She knows it would hurt you something fierce if she has in fact met a new guy and she would probably want to protect you from that. Just something to think about. I once left an ex (many years ago) after I'd met a new guy. I never told my ex that this new guy was the straw that broke the camel's back, because I knew he'd have been very hurt. The bottom line really was that I'd fallen out of love with my ex and had been drifting away for a while when this new guy came around. I realized I wanted to explore other people and I finally grew a pair and ended the relationship. Was it the right away to go about breaking up? No. But it sadly happens a lot. I'm not necessarily saying there is someone else. There might not be. But I do think she's likely been growing away from you for a while now. You two probably have never really experienced anything else and it's normal to want to get out in the world and see what else there is. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means that who she was and what she wanted as a teenager isn't the same anymore. For the moment, take it a day at a time. Don't make any drastic changes to your life just yet. You're learning to live a new normal and the grieving takes time. Don't push yourself to meet other women yet. Go day-to-day. Expect rough patches. Expect good days. Expect that you will probably always have some unanswered questions. That's all part of the process. And for what it's worth, I do agree that ending a 9-year relationship mostly through text is weak. She has a lot of maturing to do, apparently.
mightycpa Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) Closure only occurs when you don't care anymore. Definitive answers to your questions won't really satisfy you. Either you won't like the answers, or you'll swear you can change, or they will generate more questions. Besides, what difference does it really make? The issue is not whether she's already with someone else. The issue is that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. That is what you have to come to grips with. New guys will naturally result sooner or later from that one fact. Edited June 20, 2015 by mightycpa
WomenWubber Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Most people are too afraid to break up after a long relationship, because of the uncertainty that it brings. My guess is she's now trying to figure out how to get out. She needs time to think it through, because it is a big, dark and scary forest out there.
sandylee1 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Don't ask if she's seeing anyone else. Treat this as a breakup and NOT a break. Collect all your stuff from her place Tell her you consider this a break up and wish her well in the future Start going out , socialising and acting single. Invest time in yourself and griev the end of the relationship. Maybe she wants to explore other guys, even if she hasn't met anyone else yet Maybe she's felt tempted Whatever the case......don't sit around and pine for her. 1
Friskyone4u Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Sorry you are in this situation but it is not going to end the way you wanted it to. When women in long term relationships don't want to just end it and call it a "break", in most cases there is either another man already in the picture or she wants another one in the picture. You could be the exception but I doubt it. If you are not living together I don't know how you can be so sure she is not seeing another man, and she may not admit it even if you ask her but you should if you want to know. It happens all the time that they want to see how their new relationship will work out and the break means you are Plan B. That is not a good place to be. It is called the "pick me game".
Author unknownuser631 Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) There is or will be someone else soon. Move on now during the shock, it becomes easier. You only ought to be with someone who is absolutely sure they want to be with you. End it for good, you'll feel better she eventually be glad you did. It's much easier said then done, that's for sure! You're right though, I should be with someone who is absolutely sure they want to be with me. She is just so confusing, she told me "Their is no one else, I don't plan on hooking up with anyone, and if I do, it will be you" Oh, what a sweetheart. And how will you feel if you find out there is someone else in the picture? How will that help you move on? I don't think that's going to give you the closure you seek. I think it would provide some clarity, but I don't believe it will help you heal necessarily. I also wouldn't expect her to be completely truthful, but not because she has a malicious intent. She knows it would hurt you something fierce if she has in fact met a new guy and she would probably want to protect you from that. Just something to think about. I once left an ex (many years ago) after I'd met a new guy. I never told my ex that this new guy was the straw that broke the camel's back, because I knew he'd have been very hurt. The bottom line really was that I'd fallen out of love with my ex and had been drifting away for a while when this new guy came around. I realized I wanted to explore other people and I finally grew a pair and ended the relationship. Was it the right away to go about breaking up? No. But it sadly happens a lot. I'm not necessarily saying there is someone else. There might not be. But I do think she's likely been growing away from you for a while now. You two probably have never really experienced anything else and it's normal to want to get out in the world and see what else there is. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means that who she was and what she wanted as a teenager isn't the same anymore. For the moment, take it a day at a time. Don't make any drastic changes to your life just yet. You're learning to live a new normal and the grieving takes time. Don't push yourself to meet other women yet. Go day-to-day. Expect rough patches. Expect good days. Expect that you will probably always have some unanswered questions. That's all part of the process. And for what it's worth, I do agree that ending a 9-year relationship mostly through text is weak. She has a lot of maturing to do, apparently. I honestly think I would feel better, I just hate being lied to. I guess the way I'm thinking about it is this. If I know their is someone else involved, I would know she is completely serious about this. If their isn't anyone, I would assume she is trying to figure out if shes happy by herself or with me. I think I mentioned this somewhere, but I think her ex girlfriend and her started talking again and her feelings are coming back to her, as she was a big part of her life when she was younger. I would perfer to know if she has fallen out of love with me or not, I would find this as an encourgament to move on faster with my self. Closure only occurs when you don't care anymore. Definitive answers to your questions won't really satisfy you. Either you won't like the answers, or you'll swear you can change, or they will generate more questions. Besides, what difference does it really make? The issue is not whether she's already with someone else. The issue is that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. That is what you have to come to grips with. New guys will naturally result sooner or later from that one fact. I suppose I want to know as I am now getting more suspicious and I really want to know if it's her ex girlfriend from many years ago. I also would love to know if she "mentally" broke up with me during the last week or so, then this prepared her to actually tell me. I'm also just very curious, because normally (from reading a lot on here and other places) when a breakup happens, it's usually the girl whos very upset at first then gets better, this is opposite where I (the guy) is very upset. Maybe I'm just hoping she realizes what shes doing and what she did was a huge mistake Most people are too afraid to break up after a long relationship, because of the uncertainty that it brings. My guess is she's now trying to figure out how to get out. She needs time to think it through, because it is a big, dark and scary forest out there. I think she figured how to get out.. I'm sure she mentally prepared her self for this. I need to find that nice green forest Don't ask if she's seeing anyone else. Treat this as a breakup and NOT a break. Collect all your stuff from her place Tell her you consider this a break up and wish her well in the future Start going out , socialising and acting single. Invest time in yourself and griev the end of the relationship. Maybe she wants to explore other guys, even if she hasn't met anyone else yet Maybe she's felt tempted Whatever the case......don't sit around and pine for her. This is what's so hard for me! We all had the same group of friends (mainly her friends). I have always had a hard time making friends due to me being very quiet. I just need to let out a river but something is just holding me back from bursting into tears Sorry you are in this situation but it is not going to end the way you wanted it to. When women in long term relationships don't want to just end it and call it a "break", in most cases there is either another man already in the picture or she wants another one in the picture. You could be the exception but I doubt it. If you are not living together I don't know how you can be so sure she is not seeing another man, and she may not admit it even if you ask her but you should if you want to know. It happens all the time that they want to see how their new relationship will work out and the break means you are Plan B. That is not a good place to be. It is called the "pick me game". We were "living" together, although it wasn't her own place. I slept over her moms/grandmas house 98% of the time. I really don't want to play this game.. doesn't sound like a fun one at all! I know I need to start doing things on my own and figure myself out.. but this whole thing has me in a terrible state of mind and that empty feeling of being lonely is getting to me.. She left me.. my brother is moving out of the country in August, follow by my parents in September. I really appreciate all the feedback you guys give here, it's the beginning of the help I needed and a place to vent. I'm having lack of sleep, weird dreams (had a dream this beautiful girl fell in love with me...) then had a bad dream, no appetite at all, and overall just depressed. Edited June 20, 2015 by unknownuser631
EgoJoe Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Stop making excuses for her and for yourself. She's not confusing she's deliberately misleading you so she can have her cake and eat it too. Read the stories here, you'll find the similarities. Get your own place, make new friends and start dating first. Remove her from social media and decide to be done. No need to announce, just decide.
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