isabellemarss Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I was in his class last semester and had a strong crush on him. Yeah, I know. I was the best in class and he has expressed how proud he was of me and how much he appreciates having a student like me (especially since he was often disappointed and cross with most of the class). I never acted on my feelings, and if I did something subtle like go to his office to ask some unnecessary question about a project, I never did anything weird. I probably looked like just another overachiever to the untrained eye. Eventually he'd know I was attracted to him because my loudmouth classmates. Obviously he didn't make a big deal out of it. He was 27 or 28 with a long-time girlfriend. That was the only class I'll ever have with him. Summer came and now college has started again (The school calendar is different where I live). It's been 3 months and I never stopped thinking about him. It just scares me, you know? I never lost these strong feelings for him despite not seeing him for 3 months. I just want to forget about it, but "out of sight, out of mind" clearly doesn't apply to me.
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 He has a long term girlfriend, that's all you need to know. No offense but he probably gets it all the time if he's young, intelligent and constantly meeting young women. He sounds like he has some integrity for not making a move on you just to take advantage. So the answer is simple: no contact. No contacting him 'just to catch up', no walking past his office when you don't need to, certainly no online stalking or searching. The feelings will subside over time, but only if you allow them to by giving yourself some space and distance. This may be difficult if you're going to bump into him around college but affect the things you can affect, and don't stress about the rest. 4
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 It's a crush. A powerful one but a crush nonetheless. Based on what you know about him in the classroom you built a fantasy about what he's like IRL. Your imaginary him probably isn't him. Since he has a GF if you do anything you will most likely get shot down. If you are not you will then be dating a man who cheated with so he will most likely cheat on you. Who wants that? Finally if you are still a student at the school, even if he is not your direct teacher any more, it's a bad idea for him to date you. 2
Author isabellemarss Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 He has a long term girlfriend, that's all you need to know. No offense but he probably gets it all the time if he's young, intelligent and constantly meeting young women. He sounds like he has some integrity for not making a move on you just to take advantage. So the answer is simple: no contact. No contacting him 'just to catch up', no walking past his office when you don't need to, certainly no online stalking or searching. The feelings will subside over time, but only if you allow them to by giving yourself some space and distance. This may be difficult if you're going to bump into him around college but affect the things you can affect, and don't stress about the rest. That's a great idea, but the problem is I've completely refrained from doing all of these things since the class ended. And it's not working. I don't know what else to do (or not do). It's a crush. A powerful one but a crush nonetheless. Based on what you know about him in the classroom you built a fantasy about what he's like IRL. Your imaginary him probably isn't him. Since he has a GF if you do anything you will most likely get shot down. If you are not you will then be dating a man who cheated with so he will most likely cheat on you. Who wants that? Finally if you are still a student at the school, even if he is not your direct teacher any more, it's a bad idea for him to date you. Yes, I understand that, and I'd never dream of going that far. I'm too scared anyway. I just want to forget everything.
preraph Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 He is being paid to be supportive and friendly and helpful to his students, so you can't take any part of that personally. You really know nothing about him, because who he is as a professor is only a small fraction of who he is. One thing you do know is he has a long-term girlfriend. Let's just say hypothetically he called you out of the blue tomorrow and still had the girlfriend but wanted to go out. Then if you took him up on it, what you'd know about him is he's a man who cheats on his long-term girlfriend -- and if he'll cheat on her, he'll certainly cheat on you, a person who'd go out with a man knowing he had a long-term girlfriend. It's a no-win situation. You need to refocus on someone you know. It's real easy to imagine someone you don't know is the ideal person in your head. They're not, though. 2
melodymatters Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I'm saying this in jest, but remove the crassness and the concept is good : " The best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else ":laugh: Since this is nothing more than a crush, you just need to expand your imagination to include some guys that are actually available and you are in contact with. Even if you trade THIS crush for a hot guy you made out with in a bar, it's still a healthy step away from creating an obsession with an unattainable and likely uninterested man. Good luck, get out there and have fun ! 1
Author isabellemarss Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 I'm saying this in jest, but remove the crassness and the concept is good : " The best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else ":laugh: Since this is nothing more than a crush, you just need to expand your imagination to include some guys that are actually available and you are in contact with. Even if you trade THIS crush for a hot guy you made out with in a bar, it's still a healthy step away from creating an obsession with an unattainable and likely uninterested man. Good luck, get out there and have fun ! Lol In all seriousness, I really am doing just that. But the sad part is I'm just flirting and having fun with these guys, and I never seek anything more meaningful. Maybe I'd feel better if I had an actual boyfriend, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Robert Z Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 The best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else ":laugh: Now you're thinking like a man! Well, me anyway.
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Is this yet a different prof than you wanted before? The even older, married one?
Author isabellemarss Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 Is this yet a different prof than you wanted before? The even older, married one? Yes, I'm talking about a different one.
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 So this is your 2nd crush on a (taken/married) professor? Ask yourself why you keep falling for unattainable guys. Not only because they are your prof's but not available to you (for reasons in 1st sentence). Make yourself stop thinking and fantasizing about him. Any time you catch your thoughts drifting to him, stop and distract yourself. Call a friend, have a shower, put on music and sing loudly. You got yourself into a habit of thinking of him way too much and now you need to stop. All you're doing is feeding your one sided feelings and keeping it all alive. For what? This guy probably hasn't given you a second thought once outside of class. You're wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't into you that way. He was kind, friendly and a caring prof, that's it. This is one sided.
Author isabellemarss Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 So this is your 2nd crush on a (taken/married) professor? Ask yourself why you keep falling for unattainable guys. Not only because they are your prof's but not available to you (for reasons in 1st sentence). Make yourself stop thinking and fantasizing about him. Any time you catch your thoughts drifting to him, stop and distract yourself. Call a friend, have a shower, put on music and sing loudly. You got yourself into a habit of thinking of him way too much and now you need to stop. All you're doing is feeding your one sided feelings and keeping it all alive. For what? This guy probably hasn't given you a second thought once outside of class. You're wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't into you that way. He was kind, friendly and a caring prof, that's it. This is one sided. I think I need professional help on that first person :/
MidwestUSA Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I think I need professional help on that first person :/ Honestly, you need help with both. There's something about authority figures you find appealing. Best to nip it in the bud.
Author isabellemarss Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Honestly, you need help with both. There's something about authority figures you find appealing. Best to nip it in the bud. I meant to say first *question, but you're right. I've been scheduling appointments with a guidance counselor at school but I never went to any of them.
danmillar Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Wow, she needs "professional help" for a crush? This is a great wake up call letting you know NOT to take any "advice" on an internet forum seriously. I'm glad you are getting to talk about these topics anonymously, but keep in mind, the responses are only meant to be taken in jest. Without going into too much detail, it is VERY COMMON and COMPLETELY NORMAL for coeds to have crushes on their male professors. When the coed and professor are closer in age, it's even more common. Anyone who attempts to pathologize these types of feelings is just having fun running a guilt trip on you. The situation CAN become problematic if it interferes with your ability to have relationships, or becomes an unnecessary distraction from your studies and/or work. Just use some common sense here. It's perfectly fine to discuss this issue, and no, you don't "need professional help." My best advice is to stop asking for advice on this forum or any other. Talk about it with a trusted advisor who you are certain can keep these issues confidential.
MidwestUSA Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) Wow, she needs "professional help" for a crush? This is a great wake up call letting you know NOT to take any "advice" on an internet forum seriously. I'm glad you are getting to talk about these topics anonymously, but keep in mind, the responses are only meant to be taken in jest. Without going into too much detail, it is VERY COMMON and COMPLETELY NORMAL for coeds to have crushes on their male professors. When the coed and professor are closer in age, it's even more common. Anyone who attempts to pathologize these types of feelings is just having fun running a guilt trip on you. The situation CAN become problematic if it interferes with your ability to have relationships, or becomes an unnecessary distraction from your studies and/or work. Just use some common sense here. It's perfectly fine to discuss this issue, and no, you don't "need professional help." My best advice is to stop asking for advice on this forum or any other. Talk about it with a trusted advisor who you are certain can keep these issues confidential. OP herself used the term 'professional help'. If she thinks she needs it, then so be it. Edited June 25, 2015 by MidwestUSA
preraph Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Someone getting hopeless crushes they can't get over on any authority figure is a classic sign therapy might be in order. Nothing severe, mind you, but there's a reason for that. I mean, she's surrounded by lots of men her own age and station but out of all those, she picks a professor to obsess about. A little therapy would probably be good for her and there's no shame in it. BUT she better pick a female therapist. OP, did you hear me? Do NOT pick a male therapist! 1
Recommended Posts