blue_jay_bird Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 It was my graduation and I ended up grading late coffee with my ex because... I'm a idiot. We ended up smoking some pot for good old time. When we broke up he was cool and calm. Nothing compared to this time. A month had passed.. too soon He broke down time the weeks before the break up and things I said. Trying to pin point when I emotionally left him for this other guy. He started crying, worried I cheated on him. I did leave him for someone else. Bombarding me with question of why he was better then him. Told me I was us hooping from relationship to relationship. (I am) I just ended up telling him, he was too nice. Needed to be less needy. Cause I couldn't tell him the truth; I wasn't attracted or sexually satisfied. He has phimosis. A congenital narrowing of the opening of the foreskin so that it cannot be retracted. I found it hard to want to be with him. Their is nothing he can really do to fix it. And well someone will find this less important, but I just. I feel like a monster. I really really like this new guy. I shouldn't have seen him. I didn't know this would happen. It was also his birthday, he brought up all the things he did for me on my birthday. He had plans in the evening but, they feel apart. It ended really sad. With no good old times. I ****ed up his birthday too. I'm a bad person. I'm a monster. What should I do. I want to apologize. I didn't expect it get to ugly.
Mittens Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 My ex H had the same problem, and there is a solution, he can be circumcised. Regarding the rest, just leave him alone. You can't change the mistake you've already made, but you can learn from it.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 What was I going to tell him; I'm not attracted to your penis get a circumcision. I'm not attracted to you lose the weight. His penis worked for him, it would be cruel for me to stick around even more so just cause I wanted more.
Mittens Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I wasn't suggesting you tell him either of those things, I was pointing out that your remark about there being nothing he could do to solve the problem was incorrect.
Emilia Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 If it's something that can be fixed, it's a real shame to allow it to fester so much. Maybe communication would have fixed it? Rather than leave someone broken hearted. Especially calling him needy. That's just cruel.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 For starters, I'm guessing he was the weight he was when you started seeing him. Right? Generally, if we're not attracted to someone or sex is difficult or incompatible, we can break up with them without there being someone else. That leads me to believe that this is less about his shortcomings and more about your shortcomings. Your monster assignment is the closest you've been to honest.
JewelD Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 It was my graduation and I ended up grading late coffee with my ex because... I'm a idiot. We ended up smoking some pot for good old time. When we broke up he was cool and calm. Nothing compared to this time. A month had passed.. too soon He broke down time the weeks before the break up and things I said. Trying to pin point when I emotionally left him for this other guy. He started crying, worried I cheated on him. I did leave him for someone else. Bombarding me with question of why he was better then him. Told me I was us hooping from relationship to relationship. (I am) I just ended up telling him, he was too nice. Needed to be less needy. Cause I couldn't tell him the truth; I wasn't attracted or sexually satisfied. He has phimosis. A congenital narrowing of the opening of the foreskin so that it cannot be retracted. I found it hard to want to be with him. Their is nothing he can really do to fix it. And well someone will find this less important, but I just. I feel like a monster. I really really like this new guy. I shouldn't have seen him. I didn't know this would happen. It was also his birthday, he brought up all the things he did for me on my birthday. He had plans in the evening but, they feel apart. It ended really sad. With no good old times. I ****ed up his birthday too. I'm a bad person. I'm a monster. What should I do. I want to apologize. I didn't expect it get to ugly. First off, you're not a monster. People saying you are are probably just bitter because they always identify with the dumpee. Not liking him because of his penis is a bit shallow, but if you're not sexually attracted to him, that's a good reason to end a relationship. You can't force that and you shouldn't be with somebody if you don't see yourself knocking boots with them. I don't think you did a bad thing by not telling him the real reason. At the end of the day, no one likes being dumped. He's already sad you left, whatever you say, he's not going to understand and he'll continue to ask questions or promise to fix it, etc. That's something he needs to cope with. You're no longer responsible for his feelings, although I would suggest walking away from the situation. Apologize if you need to, but make it clear you don't want to reconcile, otherwise you are going to give him false hope. Breakups are usually ugly when they are not mutual. Maybe you could have handled things differently, but it's life, you live and you learn. Next time you'll know what to do and what not to do. Don't beat yourself up over it, REAL monsters, truly evil people, would NEVER call themselves a monster. and they would never feel remorse for the things they did. But you do. Not a bad person, just made some mistakes.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 I met a guy in a internship and left him for this guy. New Guy: Tim Ex: Bob He wanted to know the details. He interrogated but I couldn't lie about this: During my internship I fell for Tim. I thought he knew I had a boyfriend but I should have told him directly. I wanted Tim, and was unhappy with my current sex life. Bob was always wanting to touch me and wanting to have sex, but I felt no desire for him in that way. I lied about seeing Tim at galleries set up by are internship. I lied about going on a date with Tim ending in a kiss. The next day I ended it with Bob. He wanted all the details and when I said it all to him I was surprised how much I did lie and go behind his back. I was surprised how much I lied. The lying hurt him so much he begin to cry. AND I lied to him the very last time I saw him. I told him, he was too nice, thats why its not working out. When really I just couldn't see myself having sex with him again. He was overweight and wasn't the largest guy with phimosis. He constantly reminded me how lucky he was with a girl so pretty, to the point I thought.. yeah why I'm I with you. I feel like a bitch.
minimariah Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) I feel like a bitch. let's be TOTALLY real here -- you were a bitch to him. a huge bitch. you had a problem and instead of communicating that to him (YES, you should've sit down and told him EXACTLY what was bothering you... it has to be done with some tact, of course) - you STAYED with him knowing you were unhappy, waiting for someone better to come along... and when you met that someone, you dumped him. go strict no contact with him, that is the best thing you can do for him. you didn't leave him for another dude, you used him while you fished for someone better (he didn't become overweight suddenly and his penis problem was there from the start = you knew EXACTLY what you were getting yourself into and with all of that, you still decided to date him) -- you were basically never really WITH him in a true sense of that word. so leave him alone and stop all the contact. refuse when he tries to reach out. block him on everything and don't offer him any more excuses and apologies... your apologies are irrelevant and don't mean anything. if you REALLY want to help him, you'll stop him from any contact. and no more relationship and WHYs conversations. focus on your new life, improve your communication skills and move on. learn from this experience and don't allow yourself to mess up again. either communicate or leave the relationship. and if you don't like overweight dudes with penis issues - then don't date them. you know... you can tell straight away if someone is overweight so avoiding guys like that really shouldn't be a problem for you. Edited June 19, 2015 by minimariah 1
ravfour4 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 besides the overweight and penis issue, my ex left me for someone else and lied about it a ton too. You should feel bad about lying to someone who you used to care about and who deeply cared about you. Instead of telling him he's too nice and needs to be an ******* to future women, you could have just said you fell out of love and didn't think you were compatible long term. Although...that's sort of what my ex said so maybe it was code for some shallow BS....haha
SycamoreCircle Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I looked back over some of your other threads. "Fat" was posted in January. In it you talk about how you're not attracted to your fat boyfriend. I ran across one very telling statement by you: I didn't drag him into anything. I very sure he's happy to be with me. You're very sure he's happy to be with you? Then, it's about you, isn't it? You found someone who made you feel good about yourself. You have low self-esteem and so if you can have someone around that will please you, it makes you feel better about yourself. It has always struck me as ironic how insecurity and conceitedness go hand-in-hand. Get over yourself. That's the first step. Realize that maybe you're not the firecracker in the sack you think you are. People who are good at sex are usually people who are very giving. It doesn't sound to me like you're a very giving person. You need to rough it on your own a while. Build some self-reliance, some self-sufficiency. I would guess that you're strongly dependent on your parents. Tone that down a bit. Do something you've never done before. Spend a night in the wilderness by yourself. Learn how to make a fire. Accomplish something and start to build some self-confidence. Conceit is not self-confidence. When you build self-assurance, when you gain self-knowledge, through independent works, then maybe you will be ready to get close to someone. To love others, we first have to love ourselves.
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