Broke NC, X is back

June 19, 2015

So I broke NC of a month and wrote my ex on fb. Later that night we ended up talking on the phone and I went about getting the answers I'd wanted.

Basically, we updated each other on what was going on in our lives. He told me he hadn't spoken to me because he thought I was still angry. He didn't want to move on from me and he was dealing with medical issues and his job ending this summer. He said he was going to contact me eventually, and that he thought of me everyday.

As the conversation went on and we discussed the relationship and I could tell he still wanted to be with me, my feelings kind of went flat. I had been expecting and wanting this to happen so bad, but when it did, all I felt was a bit indifferent, that I may be being sucked into the same cycle again. Breakup, I reach out, he makes it up, then breakup again.

When I mentioned the cycle, he said "Don't let it be. Don't let me make it a cycle". and I was just like, I can't be your conscience. I can't be the one to talk sense into you, you have to do it on your own.

So I told him that when he ignored me, I started working hard on not loving him and moving on. That I had no interest in chasing after him or anyone else anymore because I really don't have to.

He said he didn't think the same way he used to and asked me again if I still loved him. I said I didn't know, but that I felt much different about him than I did when we broke up. The feelings are not that intense when you've given someone a million chances and they want more.

He said he understood. I ended the convo, it was late, I'd gotten a lot of my answers. A few minutes after we hung up, he called back and said he wanted to ask me something. He wanted to ask me to be patient and open minded. and I asked, for what? He said he couldn't tell me, but that it was something good.

I told him that I was always patient and open minded but that now I could not wait any longer. I was going to do whatever made me happy. If that meant dating someone new, I'd do it. If it meant ignoring him, I'd do it.

He said he understood that I might not want whatever it is he wants to give or do for me, but he's going to take a chance and offer it to me anyway. I don't know what he was talking about exactly. Not a relationship, because I made it clear that's not what I wanted to jump into. Part of me thinks its going to be some sort of commitment, like a ring or something, because that was the big reason things ended.

He knew I eventually wanted a family and to move in together, and he said he didn't 'feel' it.

So idk what to think really. He texted me this morning like he always used to do. Not sure if there's anything he could do to make me trust him or want to be with him again. But I'm glad I broke NC. I really wanted to know what was going on and it's far from what I'd convinced myself he was doing.

**Not looking for advice on this one, just sharing an experience. I honestly don't believe NC indefinitely works for everyone. People can tell you to do something or not to do something all day, but only you have to live with the consequences. Advice is great sometimes, but at the end of the day, we all have to listen to ourselves and do what we feel. Even if it's a mistake.

June 19, 2015

I honestly don't believe NC indefinitely works for everyone.

Who told you it's indefinitely? It's only until the one who broke things,

fixes it. And it's not you in this case.

It's all about drawing lines in the sand. Regarding my ex, it's no longer

a line but a gutter she'd break her neck if she fell into.

Your is not that deep. So he now knows she can dance around it as

he pleases.

June 19, 2015

Who told you it's indefinitely? It's only until the one who broke things,
fixes it. And it's not you in this case.

It's all about drawing lines in the sand. Regarding my ex, it's no longer
a line but a gutter she'd break her neck if she fell into.

Your is not that deep. So he now knows she can dance around it as
he pleases.

I guess you missed the part where I said I'm not looking for advice, just sharing an experience. It is essentially indefinitely if you're moving on as you're not 'supposed' to be contacting or responding to them.

That's great for you and your ex, has nothing to do with me and mine. But being 100, if anybody on here was an expert or had solid answers, they wouldn't be getting broken up with.

June 19, 2015

I won't offer any advice as you're not looking for any, but I read your post.

June 19, 2015

NC is really about protecting your heart, isn't it? I mean, if you don't care to begin with, there's no need for it. If you care at first, but then become indifferent, or fall in love with someone else, NC really isn't necessary any more. If you're not sure after some point in time, then it is better to be safe than sorry.

I think the end of NC comes when you think about contacting your ex, and you realize you have no desire left to speak to them. Not that you need to avoid it, but that you just don't feel the need.

Obviously, if you're looking for answers that only your ex can provide, NC isn't for you.

June 19, 2015

NC is really about protecting your heart, isn't it? I mean, if you don't care to begin with, there's no need for it. If you care at first, but then become indifferent, or fall in love with someone else, NC really isn't necessary any more. If you're not sure after some point in time, then it is better to be safe than sorry.

I think the end of NC comes when you think about contacting your ex, and you realize you have no desire left to speak to them. Not that you need to avoid it, but that you just don't feel the need.

Obviously, if you're looking for answers that only your ex can provide, NC isn't for you.

Well NC is thrown around here and basically every single thread as the end all be all solution to everyone's relationship problems. Despite the fact that most people break it at some point anyway. Especially for those people whose exes refuse to talk to them. They're not making a conscious effort to 'protect their heart', they literally have no option but to deal with it since they CAN'T talk to their ex. Your heart is going to hurt regardless.

I can see people spending a significant amount of time trying to convince themselves they are over this person and do not care about them. After awhile, it may work for some, but for others, it's just denying their feelings in the hope that they will eventually go away. That's not how it always works.

At the end of the day, a lot of the advice on here is negative and assumes the worst of everyone, no matter what, because all of our situations are 'the same'. People telling posters that their exes will never come back to them, that they need to move on forever because their ex hates them and is terrible etc etc etc. And it's really not necessarily true as we don't truly know each other or the full extent of the relationships.

People come here for support and a lot of them are vulnerable and desperate for some type of answers, but this seems like a place where many people are quick to tell others to give up and move on, even if they know for a fact they would not do so themselves. It's just crazy to give advice that you have not followed in the past and would not follow in the future.

Offering some perspective. It's a lot easier to tell other people what to do when it's not your feelings at stake. Doesn't mean it's the right advice. It's odd to think the people who believe they know the most about relationships are not in one or have not had many healthy ones.

June 19, 2015

Well said Jewel.

June 19, 2015

Well NC is thrown around here and basically every single thread as the end all be all solution to everyone's relationship problems. Despite the fact that most people break it at some point anyway. Especially for those people whose exes refuse to talk to them. They're not making a conscious effort to 'protect their heart', they literally have no option but to deal with it since they CAN'T talk to their ex. Your heart is going to hurt regardless.

I can see people spending a significant amount of time trying to convince themselves they are over this person and do not care about them. After awhile, it may work for some, but for others, it's just denying their feelings in the hope that they will eventually go away. That's not how it always works.

At the end of the day, a lot of the advice on here is negative and assumes the worst of everyone, no matter what, because all of our situations are 'the same'. People telling posters that their exes will never come back to them, that they need to move on forever because their ex hates them and is terrible etc etc etc. And it's really not necessarily true as we don't truly know each other or the full extent of the relationships.

People come here for support and a lot of them are vulnerable and desperate for some type of answers, but this seems like a place where many people are quick to tell others to give up and move on, even if they know for a fact they would not do so themselves. It's just crazy to give advice that you have not followed in the past and would not follow in the future.

Offering some perspective. It's a lot easier to tell other people what to do when it's not your feelings at stake. Doesn't mean it's the right advice. It's odd to think the people who believe they know the most about relationships are not in one or have not had many healthy ones.

This is an interesting perspective. On the other hand you have to concede that advice here has also saved people additional heartbreak / ache.

June 19, 2015

This is an interesting perspective. On the other hand you have to concede that advice here has also saved people additional heartbreak / ache.

That's assuming that any action the poster originally intended to take would have actually led to heartbreak. Wouldn't know if they decided not to try. And most do anyway, they don't always come back and say whether it worked out or not. Probably partially due to the shame and scolding that would be inflicted upon them.

June 19, 2015

NC is the absolutely perfect, foolproof way of reaching a stage where your her is sufficiently healed.

Your situation is unique, just like everybody else's.

Benign Indifference is the stage to reach.

You reached that stage.

At that point, Keeping strictly to NC was no longer necessary.

But everyone takes different times, and needs to reach their own level of acceptance.

NC is permanent until you say it doesn't need to be.

June 19, 2015

Personally, purely as an opinion from someone who happened to look at this thread, my opinion is that he's still in 'dangling you on a string' mode.... The suspense hint..... No advice to give. Just my PoV....

June 19, 2015

Well NC is thrown around here and basically every single thread as the end all be all solution to everyone's relationship problems....It's a lot easier to tell other people what to do when it's not your feelings at stake. Doesn't mean it's the right advice. It's odd to think the people who believe they know the most about relationships are not in one or have not had many healthy ones.

YES, but....

NC is actually the correct response to most peoples' END OF RELATIONSHIP problems, not their relationship problems. If you still have a relationship, then sure, you talk it out, try to fix things. But if one of the parties declares

I'm out!

or

I need a break to think!

then the healthiest response is to take that person at their word, and give them the space and time that they asked for. After all, a relationship is not a prison sentence. Sometimes, you want out. But only rarely do you just want a parole, so that you can come back later.

The trouble with "fighting for the relationship" is that you're essentially willing to compromise with a person whom you now know is perfectly capable and willing to end the relationship in order to get your attention. I don't know about you, but that is not the trait I want to see in a long-term partner. I want someone who can stick to their guns, either with me, or without me. I want someone who means what they say when something serious is at stake. I want someone that I can rely on, not a drama queen (or king, I suppose) who thinks so little of the relationship that they're willing to put it on ice for a while while they sort their little issues out, or because they think I needed some "shaking up".

So, long story short, if my partner wants out, they're out, and there is no way back in. In my opinion, this is best, rather than advising to go back and get your heart trampled upon as many, and in my opinion, most do.

It's not so odd to go to people who have experienced something to ask for advice. Again, if you're asking someone what to do when you're broken up, that's not relationship advice. That's breakup advice, and there's a difference. If you want to get advice on how to get someone back, I think there are magic spells that you can purchase on the internet.

Let's take you as an example...basically, the tables have turned since you first checked in. Now you're indifferent, sort of, and this poor sap of a man is going to do something stupid, and make a futile gesture to you in the form of a commitment token (ring?). You'll hem and haw a little, and then explain to him it is too little, too late. So what is he supposed to do that is best for him?

I'd say turn around and leave you standing. You don't want to have to deal with his begging and whatnot. And once you've told him you're done, then he knows. He doesn't need to be told twice, or to see if you've changed your mind later. That's on you, and I can't imagine it will ever happen. They almost all go down in the end, so in each individual case, maybe a mistake is made. But writ large, it is sound advice.

And the truth is there's more than one person out there for everybody. There's no such thing as "THE ONE".

Edited June 19, 2015 by mightycpa

June 19, 2015

So I broke NC of a month and wrote my ex on fb. Later that night we ended up talking on the phone and I went about getting the answers I'd wanted.

Basically, we updated each other on what was going on in our lives. He told me he hadn't spoken to me because he thought I was still angry. He didn't want to move on from me and he was dealing with medical issues and his job ending this summer. He said he was going to contact me eventually, and that he thought of me everyday.

As the conversation went on and we discussed the relationship and I could tell he still wanted to be with me, my feelings kind of went flat. I had been expecting and wanting this to happen so bad, but when it did, all I felt was a bit indifferent, that I may be being sucked into the same cycle again. Breakup, I reach out, he makes it up, then breakup again.

When I mentioned the cycle, he said "Don't let it be. Don't let me make it a cycle". and I was just like, I can't be your conscience. I can't be the one to talk sense into you, you have to do it on your own.

So I told him that when he ignored me, I started working hard on not loving him and moving on. That I had no interest in chasing after him or anyone else anymore because I really don't have to.

He said he didn't think the same way he used to and asked me again if I still loved him. I said I didn't know, but that I felt much different about him than I did when we broke up. The feelings are not that intense when you've given someone a million chances and they want more.

He said he understood. I ended the convo, it was late, I'd gotten a lot of my answers. A few minutes after we hung up, he called back and said he wanted to ask me something. He wanted to ask me to be patient and open minded. and I asked, for what? He said he couldn't tell me, but that it was something good.

I told him that I was always patient and open minded but that now I could not wait any longer. I was going to do whatever made me happy. If that meant dating someone new, I'd do it. If it meant ignoring him, I'd do it.

He said he understood that I might not want whatever it is he wants to give or do for me, but he's going to take a chance and offer it to me anyway. I don't know what he was talking about exactly. Not a relationship, because I made it clear that's not what I wanted to jump into. Part of me thinks its going to be some sort of commitment, like a ring or something, because that was the big reason things ended.

He knew I eventually wanted a family and to move in together, and he said he didn't 'feel' it.

So idk what to think really. He texted me this morning like he always used to do. Not sure if there's anything he could do to make me trust him or want to be with him again. But I'm glad I broke NC. I really wanted to know what was going on and it's far from what I'd convinced myself he was doing.

**Not looking for advice on this one, just sharing an experience. I honestly don't believe NC indefinitely works for everyone. People can tell you to do something or not to do something all day, but only you have to live with the consequences. Advice is great sometimes, but at the end of the day, we all have to listen to ourselves and do what we feel. Even if it's a mistake.

This rings so true for me in my situation. It feels good to finally be at peace with it. I used to hate thinking this but now it brings me comfort.

June 19, 2015

I think when you blindly say that once someone leaves, they're not worth your time or effort because they obviously don't care about you isn't always true. That's to say that you were perfect and had nothing to improve.

Everyone who breaks up does it for a reason. Things about you bother them over time and if they don't know how to talk through their issues in a healthy manner and communicate with you, they'll bundle them up and eventually unload them via breakup OR, maybe they voiced their concerns just fine and you were totally deaf to it.

With my ex, we weren't being intimate, we weren't doing anything fun very often, life was routine and, we were essentially an "old married couple" those last few months. I was committed to the relationship and figured it would resolve itself over time and her distance and rudeness made it hard for me to want to actually do anything for her when she was being so negative about everything I said. You don't want to do nice things to someone who is being mean to you.

After the break-up, I started to see things more clearly. She had been giving me warning signs, but I ignored them, thinking we would be together forever. At the same time, she could have put forth real effort to change the problems as well and when I asked her what was wrong, she could have answered rather than saying I dont know for months. Had she told me that these issues were making her concerned about our future, I would have changed right then, but instead she'd apologize for what she said acting like it was a one time emotional burst that I didn't need to listen to.

The point is, everyone on LS is not an amazing by/gf and everyone on LS does not get broken up with by a heartless partner. There are circumstances where the person on LS blew it and the blanket answer to their sadness should not ALWAYS be NC. If there's something you can change, and you sincerely can make that change for yourself, them and your relationship - do it and maybe, fight for the relationship. If the changes they want are not something you want, acknowledge you are not going to work and stay in whatever contact works. If you have no idea what you did wrong or you've tried all you can and your ex is treating you terribly - NC is the way to go.

In my case, despite her being ambivalent to my feelings, I felt like the issues she had with me (that she bottled up) were all fixable on my end. In reality, I've since fixed them all. The only problem is...it's too late, her feelings are gone. I've been on and off fighting to get them back and at other times fighting for my happiness without her.

June 20, 2015

YES, but....

NC is actually the correct response to most peoples' END OF RELATIONSHIP problems, not their relationship problems. If you still have a relationship, then sure, you talk it out, try to fix things. But if one of the parties declares

or then the healthiest response is to take that person at their word, and give them the space and time that they asked for. After all, a relationship is not a prison sentence. Sometimes, you want out. But only rarely do you just want a parole, so that you can come back later.

The trouble with "fighting for the relationship" is that you're essentially willing to compromise with a person whom you now know is perfectly capable and willing to end the relationship in order to get your attention. I don't know about you, but that is not the trait I want to see in a long-term partner. I want someone who can stick to their guns, either with me, or without me. I want someone who means what they say when something serious is at stake. I want someone that I can rely on, not a drama queen (or king, I suppose) who thinks so little of the relationship that they're willing to put it on ice for a while while they sort their little issues out, or because they think I needed some "shaking up".

So, long story short, if my partner wants out, they're out, and there is no way back in. In my opinion, this is best, rather than advising to go back and get your heart trampled upon as many, and in my opinion, most do.

It's not so odd to go to people who have experienced something to ask for advice. Again, if you're asking someone what to do when you're broken up, that's not relationship advice. That's breakup advice, and there's a difference. If you want to get advice on how to get someone back, I think there are magic spells that you can purchase on the internet.

Let's take you as an example...basically, the tables have turned since you first checked in. Now you're indifferent, sort of, and this poor sap of a man is going to do something stupid, and make a futile gesture to you in the form of a commitment token (ring?). You'll hem and haw a little, and then explain to him it is too little, too late. So what is he supposed to do that is best for him?

I'd say turn around and leave you standing. You don't want to have to deal with his begging and whatnot. And once you've told him you're done, then he knows. He doesn't need to be told twice, or to see if you've changed your mind later. That's on you, and I can't imagine it will ever happen. They almost all go down in the end, so in each individual case, maybe a mistake is made. But writ large, it is sound advice.

And the truth is there's more than one person out there for everybody. There's no such thing as "THE ONE".

If there's no such thing as 'the one', then surely you'll agree there is no standard for a perfect relationship. Nobody wants to be broken up with or ague, but those do NOT automatically mean you're incompatible or that the person doesn't give a crap about you or the relationship. Be real, being dumped doesn't always make you a victim and dumping someone doesn't make you a heartless jerk who doesn't deserve them.

This so called "logic" is really stupid when it comes to love. Love does not make sense. If it was logical, you could walk up to anybody and fall in love with them. People who meet their 'dream' guy/girl often find themselves wondering why they CAN'T make themselves love a person who is everything they thought they wanted.

Almost every post on here people are not over their relationship. They don't WANT to be broken up, so yes, even though there is no relationship, most of the time they want evaluations of the situation at hand in order to figure out if they have a chance to get back with them or not. Even when they're told no contact, most do it in hopes that the person will eventually contact them. If people accepted breakups and were entirely ready to move on, they wouldn't need advice on a forum. So yes, hearing the same thing, NC NC NC, for every individual situation is just pointless.

Don't take me for an example because you don't know me or my ex from a can of paint. A few people said "he wants nothing to do with you. He's moved on". Of course, I know my ex better than majority of people this planet, so Ik that wasn't true and lo and behold, going against the advice given here, I learned that it was not true at all. And I know that the same thing is going on with other posters. A lot of people are being negative, bitter and essentially attempting to speak FOR that person's ex. Based on what? Your own ex? Everybody's is different. You can give advice, but acting like your advice is the only way and the only correct answer is condescending and ignorant. If anybody knew the correct answers about love, you wouldn't be here.

It's unfortunate if your life has been a **** show, but just because a person has been dumped 20 million times doesn't make them an expert on anything except not being stable enough to maintain a relationship. Like I said, it's so easy to talk about other people's situations, whole time, you don't/can't follow your own advice all the time.

At the end of the day, if you live your life based on the advice of people who don't know you and essentially don't care about you in the same way as friends or family, you're an imbecile. Everybody needs to do what they feel, if it's a mistake, you learn from your own experience and not listening to strangers. If it's not a mistake, you took a chance and you were rewarded.

Meanwhile, the fact still stands, advice is this board is offered like it's a mandatory rule, when the fact of the matter is, there's probably a small percentage of people on here who are in healthy happy relationships. If you wanted to be a millionaire, just how much advice are you going to take from a broke person?

June 20, 2015

I think when you blindly say that once someone leaves, they're not worth your time or effort because they obviously don't care about you isn't always true. That's to say that you were perfect and had nothing to improve.

Everyone who breaks up does it for a reason. Things about you bother them over time and if they don't know how to talk through their issues in a healthy manner and communicate with you, they'll bundle them up and eventually unload them via breakup OR, maybe they voiced their concerns just fine and you were totally deaf to it.

With my ex, we weren't being intimate, we weren't doing anything fun very often, life was routine and, we were essentially an "old married couple" those last few months. I was committed to the relationship and figured it would resolve itself over time and her distance and rudeness made it hard for me to want to actually do anything for her when she was being so negative about everything I said. You don't want to do nice things to someone who is being mean to you.

After the break-up, I started to see things more clearly. She had been giving me warning signs, but I ignored them, thinking we would be together forever. At the same time, she could have put forth real effort to change the problems as well and when I asked her what was wrong, she could have answered rather than saying I dont know for months. Had she told me that these issues were making her concerned about our future, I would have changed right then, but instead she'd apologize for what she said acting like it was a one time emotional burst that I didn't need to listen to.

The point is, everyone on LS is not an amazing by/gf and everyone on LS does not get broken up with by a heartless partner. There are circumstances where the person on LS blew it and the blanket answer to their sadness should not ALWAYS be NC. If there's something you can change, and you sincerely can make that change for yourself, them and your relationship - do it and maybe, fight for the relationship. If the changes they want are not something you want, acknowledge you are not going to work and stay in whatever contact works. If you have no idea what you did wrong or you've tried all you can and your ex is treating you terribly - NC is the way to go.

In my case, despite her being ambivalent to my feelings, I felt like the issues she had with me (that she bottled up) were all fixable on my end. In reality, I've since fixed them all. The only problem is...it's too late, her feelings are gone. I've been on and off fighting to get them back and at other times fighting for my happiness without her.

Exactly. That saying "misery loves company" is starting to make a lot of sense on some of these threads. Like other dumped people want to guarantee that other people believe their exes don't want them and that they are better off without them. Without even truly knowing the poster or the ex. I understand why people would come here for support, but the advice is so narrow and one sided.

June 20, 2015

Holy crap JewelD. You just wrote a summary of what I've thought/felt but couldn't put into words.

What I find interesting too, is that I guarantee some of the posters giving harsh advice don't have a pot to piss in, in terms of a relationship. Using your money analogy there.

They're the broke ones giving out the advice on how to make the big bucks. Truly.

I often feel a bit wary of the advice on this forum and hope the guys I date don't come here, because God forbid they do, they'll go NC at the first sign of conflict and that will be it.

Edited June 20, 2015 by dyna85

June 20, 2015

I honestly don't believe NC indefinitely works for everyone. People can tell you to do something or not to do something all day, but only you have to live with the consequences. Advice is great sometimes, but at the end of the day, we all have to listen to ourselves and do what we feel. Even if it's a mistake.

If you're indifferent, then you don't need NC. The whole point of NC is to give yourself space to heal. NC removes you from emotionally volatile situations and give you space to breath. I don't think of myself in NC anymore because I don't care about my ex. He's just not a factor in any of my decisions. If you are healed and indifferent after a month, more power to you.

June 20, 2015

This is the breakup section of the forum, not the dating section. People aren't offering relationship advice, they are offering advice on healing after a breakup. I don't really agree with everything you say, and I think you're being a bit harsh on people who are really trying to help others avoid potential pain.

If contacting your ex worked for you, then don't worry what people on LS think. Keep doing what you believe is best for you, because it's your life, not theirs.

June 20, 2015

If you're indifferent, then you don't need NC. The whole point of NC is to give yourself space to heal. NC removes you from emotionally volatile situations and give you space to breath. I don't think of myself in NC anymore because I don't care about my ex. He's just not a factor in any of my decisions. If you are healed and indifferent after a month, more power to you.

I wasn't indifferent until after I broke NC. Hearing what he had to say honestly sped up the process.

June 20, 2015

This is the breakup section of the forum, not the dating section. People aren't offering relationship advice, they are offering advice on healing after a breakup. I don't really agree with everything you say, and I think you're being a bit harsh on people who are really trying to help others avoid potential pain.

If contacting your ex worked for you, then don't worry what people on LS think. Keep doing what you believe is best for you, because it's your life, not theirs.

Yeah, it seems little overkill and kinda angry. I mean, if you don't want the advice, you don't have to be here. There are plenty of other forums out there, and most of us can solicit advice from family/friends. I know the OP isn't asking for advice in this post, but that's why most people end up here. You have to realize what you are getting into with a public forum. I give advice, and people can take it or leave it. It's not going to hurt my feelings if they don't agree. I think that anyone who ends up on LS is going through some hurt and needs some help. Most people don't go to public forums for advice unless they are truly confused and hurt.

My personal opinion is that the OP got a little ego hit off of that interaction with her ex. It's nice at the time, but it doesn't really help in the long run. The day you've truly moved on and become indifferent is the day when it wouldn't even occur to you to contact your ex.

A lot of people do come on these forums, fresh from a breakup, and feel like everyone here is negative and giving the same advice- go NC. I get that. I can understand that POV. But if you stick around long enough, you'll realize that most people here are giving solid advice based on past mistakes/experiences.

June 20, 2015

Without even truly knowing the poster or the ex. I understand why people would come here for support, but the advice is so narrow and one sided.

This is simply an advice site. It's based on thousands of peoples experiences. I personally think you're being a bit narrow minded and inflammatory in saying everyone who's on this site, trying to help others thru their experiences is narrow minded and one sided. People are only sharing their experiences as to what's worked and what's not worked.

My intent is to not be mean or confrontational by posting this. I simply think you're no where near over that relationship/person. If you had reached the "indifferent" stage and no longer loved this person, then there was no reason to contact him and then post that you did it on here. You've only been on this site, what, a month? There's people like myself (who's in a loving relationship) that have been off/on this site for years. We have the experience of seeing so many threads where people break NC and get ignored, or told off, or their hearts ripped out by their ex again. The vast majority of the dumped who break NC don't have a happy ending and they regret doing so.

Like you, many people are going to follow their own path on their personal journeys thru healing. Sadly, I've just read far to many threads where they broke NC, said that got the "closure" or "answers" they needed and felt much better. Then, days later post again how much pain the are in from having the contact with the ex again and feeling like they are starting all over again in their healing.

June 20, 2015

I wasn't indifferent until after I broke NC. Hearing what he had to say honestly sped up the process.

You might feel indifferent now, but I've give it at least a few weeks and reassess how you feel. You're probably on a contact high right now, and it takes awhile to sort out your feelings after that. It would be better if you got to a point where you didn't even consider contacting your ex. Breaking NC isn't going to make you realize you are indifferent. That takes a good bit of time in my experience.

I don't advocate breaking NC, but sometimes you have to touch the stove to realize how hot it is. This is coming from a person who has gone NC immediately after a breakup and who has also broken it multiple times in other instances. There is a reason why most people advocate NC. And not just on LS. NC isn't a concept invented and only advised on LS. You will get the same advice virtually everywhere.

June 20, 2015

This is the breakup section of the forum, not the dating section. People aren't offering relationship advice, they are offering advice on healing after a breakup. I don't really agree with everything you say, and I think you're being a bit harsh on people who are really trying to help others avoid potential pain.

If contacting your ex worked for you, then don't worry what people on LS think. Keep doing what you believe is best for you, because it's your life, not theirs.

It doesn't matter what it's called, read the posts and tell me everybody on here wants to stay broken up with their ex?? If you broke up with someone and you wanted to work things out, then yes, this would CLEARLY be the appropriate forum as well as the dating one. Where is it called the "Your ex is terrible, you have to move on" forum?? It's not, that's just the generic vibe being given off by the majority.

I'm not being harsh on people actually trying to give good advice, I'm being harsh on the bitter single people who are most likely not in a position to even be giving a baked potato advice, let alone a person. Some of the things said to posters are downright rude and condescending, literally scolding people for not following advice and trying to tell people things as though they are facts when they are not.

I myself was doing that for awhile until I realized how one-sided it is. Just because your ex was lying about working overtime when he was cheating does not mean that Lucy5678's ex was doing the same! Not every situation is the same or mirrors our experiences. To tell people forcefully that the only way to go is to do what we did or what we would have done is not helpful or realistic.

There a lot of heartbroken people who are not in the right place to even decipher the good advice from the bad. Therefore it would seem that the members here should have some type of responsibility to actually think about that person and their situation and all possible outcomes before posting "Girl, he ain't no good, go no contact and be single forever like me".

and the people here who aren't even going through breakups, I do question the motives. Message boards are entertaining. Seems like a lot of those people are not here to truly help, but to be entertained by people's misery and to offer their own negative advice in order to feel that they're important or 'smart' when they haven't had a date in 5 years.

I've only been on here a week and I've noticed this is a pattern. The only positive posts are when people are encouraging posters to follow their advice. If they do ANYTHING else, "oh, you'll regret that. Go back to NC!" Doesn't that seem a bit off to you? Or maybe that's just what happens when a large group of sad/hurt people communicate in a vacuum. There are those genuinely seeking advice and giving it and there are those just having fun playing Dr. Phil.

June 20, 2015

This is simply an advice site. It's based on thousands of peoples experiences. I personally think you're being a bit narrow minded and inflammatory in saying everyone who's on this site, trying to help others thru their experiences is narrow minded and one sided. People are only sharing their experiences as to what's worked and what's not worked.

My intent is to not be mean or confrontational by posting this. I simply think you're no where near over that relationship/person. If you had reached the "indifferent" stage and no longer loved this person, then there was no reason to contact him and then post that you did it on here. You've only been on this site, what, a month? There's people like myself (who's in a loving relationship) that have been off/on this site for years. We have the experience of seeing so many threads where people break NC and get ignored, or told off, or their hearts ripped out by their ex again. The vast majority of the dumped who break NC don't have a happy ending and they regret doing so.

Like you, many people are going to follow their own path on their personal journeys thru healing. Sadly, I've just read far to many threads where they broke NC, said that got the "closure" or "answers" they needed and felt much better. Then, days later post again how much pain the are in from having the contact with the ex again and feeling like they are starting all over again in their healing.

Who said I didn't love him??? I'll always have love for this person, although not necessarily romantic. I knew this from the jump. When I said indifference, I really didn't care too much what he wanted to do. I personally don't care what most people do because we're not all the same and you don't get to watch everyone's lives play out. Once they leave, they're gone. You don't know how their story began or ended.

I didn't say EVERYONE, I said 'a lot'. and it's true. Not everyone on here is kind, knows how to communicate in an effective way, or gives a crap about anyone on here. and I'm being inflammatory for pointing it out? Right.

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