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I found out today that he had a gf the whole time :( I need closure? Why did he lie?

GoldenGirl2015

By GoldenGirl2015
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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That woman could have been another woman he was *dating*....he and OP were not exclusive.

 

Does not mean she was his *girlfriend* = committed relationship.

 

Perhaps the OP can return and clarify how she knows, for a fact, he has girlfriend... is in a committed relationship?

 

And that this is not her imagination, suspicion, insecurity, confusion causing her to believe this....

 

Poor communication is the root of this entire scenario . . .

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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The whole girlfriend - cheating aside

 

He was treating her too poorly to invest 8 months in this anyway. She remained in an unsatisfying relationship filled with red flags way too long.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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The whole girlfriend - cheating aside

 

He was treating her too poorly to invest 8 months in this anyway. She remained in an unsatisfying relationship filled with red flags way too long.

 

Absolutely agree with that! However, when woman start accusing guys of being lying scumbags, with no real evidence other than insecurity and an over-active imagination... I take issue with that.

 

Again, not saying she does not have evidence....but if she does, I am curious to know what it is!

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Absolutely agree with that! However, when woman start accusing guys of being lying scumbags, with no real evidence other than insecurity and an over-active imagination... I take issue with that.

 

Again, not saying she does not have evidence....but if she does, I am curious to know what it is!

 

Well, that's one thing I wanted to point out. This may not really be about finding out he has a girlfriend. The truth lies in whether or not he was making her feel secure in the relationship and it appears he wasn't and she's basically been in denial and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so to speak and looking for something more tangible.

 

Now that she's seen that picture, and without communicating with him, she's using that as the fall back for "blame transferring" so to speak to take the focus off the fact that she wasn't feeling secure anyway and afraid to address it with him.

 

The number 1 reason for not communicating about the status of a relationship is fear of hearing what they don't want to hear and already feel they know the answer is so they just ride the relationship pony until they actually get thrown off.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Well, that's one thing I wanted to point out. This may not really be about finding out he has a girlfriend. The truth lies in whether or not he was making her feel secure in the relationship and it appears he wasn't and she's basically been in denial and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so to speak and looking for something more tangible.

 

Now that she's seen that picture, and without communicating with him, she's using that as the fall back for "blame transferring" so to speak to take the focus off the fact that she wasn't feeling secure anyway and afraid to address it with him.

 

The number 1 reason for not communicating about the status of a relationship is fear of hearing what they don't want to hear and already feel they know the answer is so they just ride the relationship pony until they actually get thrown off.

 

Yes...absolutely agree with this too!!!

 

.....................................

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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The majority of the dating/relationship threads have a common theme and rooted in: Lack of quality/effective communication, fear/insecurity and absence of the ability to be assertive and/or refusal to accept some of the responsibility for the state of a relationship.

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PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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The majority of the dating/relationship threads have a common theme and rooted in: Lack of quality/effective communication, fear/insecurity and absence of the ability to be assertive and/or refusal to accept some of the responsibility for the state of a relationship.

 

quoted for truth

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GoldenGirl2015 Member

GoldenGirl2015

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Agree with the others, BUT what makes you so sure he even has a girlfriend? How did you discover this information? Gossip, rumor?

 

I mean, you don't know who she is, no FB page, no name, no tag...all you've got is a photo that says "mom, dad and stepmom"?

 

I don't get it. What evidence do you have that the girl in the photo is actually his girlfriend at all?

 

He has a kid...obviously the kid has a mom (his EX?)....obviously they still need to talk and interact for their kid's sake...but what evidence do you have that she is still his girlfriend??? If she ever was?

 

Im not talking about the kids mother if course she would be there. I found out the info from HER fb pg. They all took puctures with the daughter. And HIM & HIS GF WAS KISSING and the MOM was kissing the DAUGHTER and she put mom dad & stepmom. They was KISSING ON THE LIPS IN A PASSIONATE WAY. Thats my proof. I didnt assume anything. I also seen another pic of him holding his GF from the back w/ his hands on her hips/butt.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Im not talking about the kids mother if course she would be there. I found out the info from HER fb pg. They all took puctures with the daughter. And HIM & HIS GF WAS KISSING and the MOM was kissing the DAUGHTER and she put mom dad & stepmom. They was KISSING ON THE LIPS IN A PASSIONATE WAY. Thats my proof. I didnt assume anything. I also seen another pic of him holding his GF from the back w/ his hands on her hips/butt.

 

I'm sorry this happened. Take solace in reminding yourself that you were probably not feeling it from him and living with anxiety. You should start to feel a little relief from that at least soon. You're gonna be ok.

 

Go out and enjoy yourself as much as possible and focus on all the positive things in your life and about yourself. Highlight the positives and work on the things that you're not so happy with. Focus on and be the best YOU. Let him see what he's losing out on!

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GoldenGirl2015 Member

GoldenGirl2015

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I'm sorry this happened. Take solace in reminding yourself that you were probably not feeling it from him and living with anxiety. You should start to feel a little relief from that at least soon. You're gonna be ok.

 

Go out and enjoy yourself as much as possible and focus on all the positive things in your life and about yourself. Highlight the positives and work on the things that you're not so happy with. Focus on and be the best YOU. Let him see what he's losing out on!

 

Thank you. Hopefully I will start sleeping better now. This Has exauhsted me.

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beach Established Member

beach

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I really want to but Idk who she is and Ive been searching all over fb to see if she has a pg but doesnt. I dont even know her name. When his kid mother posted the picture she just said, mom dad & stepmom. No name & no tag. I looked at his whole friends list and didnt see anyone that looks like her and I looked at the kids mother friends list and nothing. Idk any other way. I don't even know her name

 

You could show up at his house and inform her.

 

She has a right to know he's a cheater. Please try and see her to let her know.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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You could show up at his house and inform her.

 

She has a right to know he's a cheater. Please try and see her to let her know.

 

I wouldn't do that. She may end up just being the "bad guy" in the girlfriend's eyes.

 

It may be her "right" to know, but it is not the OP's responsibility to educate her.

 

The OP's primary responsibility is to HERSELF, maintaining her dignity and not exposing herself to more drama and anxiety. The girlfriend is an adult (assumably) and if he's a cheater, her gut is already talking to her and is likely in denial if she's staying with him.

 

The OP needs to allow herself to rest and take care of herself.

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PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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I think it's even crazier when women who aren't involved at all feel the need to tell a stranger about cheating. Some kind of relationship police, vigilante thing. Guys don't do that crap unless it directly involves them.

 

With cheating, They always say the girl has a right to know but really it just seems vindictive. Her feelings get hurt so she wants to punish him.

 

In this case cheating may be probable, but it seems far from definitive to me. Unless the pic is directly timestamped she doesn't know when it was taken. People upload pics years after they are taken. I've seen my ex-wife post pics that are over 5 years old.

 

Also, she doesn't know what kind of relationship or agreement they may have if they are together. Maybe he's allowed to stray, open marriage, swingers. Who knows? Sounds to me like OP didn't do her due diligence and never secured any relationship or agreement with this guy. She made assumptions and stayed blind so she could live in fantasy.

 

I agree with the earlier posts that OP allowed this to happen.

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GoldenGirl2015 Member

GoldenGirl2015

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I think it's even crazier when women who aren't involved at all feel the need to tell a stranger about cheating. Some kind of relationship police, vigilante thing. Guys don't do that crap unless it directly involves them.

 

With cheating, They always say the girl has a right to know but really it just seems vindictive. Her feelings get hurt so she wants to punish him.

 

In this case cheating may be probable, but it seems far from definitive to me. Unless the pic is directly timestamped she doesn't know when it was taken. People upload pics years after they are taken. I've seen my ex-wife post pics that are over 5 years old.

 

Also, she doesn't know what kind of relationship or agreement they may have if they are together. Maybe he's allowed to stray, open marriage, swingers. Who knows? Sounds to me like OP didn't do her due diligence and never secured any relationship or agreement with this guy. She made assumptions and stayed blind so she could live in fantasy.

 

I agree with the earlier posts that OP allowed this to happen.

 

Yeah his SAME daughter graduated from HS 5 years ago too. RIGHT! Why do you sound so angry? Did I ever say I was going to this woman house (which I would never do) I don't even know her name and apparently she lives in different state then me. You took this way off topic and looked too deep into it. I'm only human, let me feel how I want. You're not such a nice person to be "giving wisdom advice".

beach Established Member

beach

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Maybe next time dating a guy you will notice the red flags easier.

 

I hope you take care of yourself.

ascendotum Established Member

ascendotum

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Just leave. Don't bother telling his gf its none of your business anyway. She might even turn angry on you and blaming you for sleeping with him.

Just get him and whatever/whoever that has anything to do with him out of your life.

 

Actually I think the guy made it her business when he played her by pretending she was his exclusive gf when she was in fact his mistress or bit on the side. So his gf gets angry, if she is smart she will get angry at him, though maybe the guy is a real handsome charmer, as GG instead of being mad with him for duping her/cheating on her she is crying over him.

I'm 50:50 on the informing their other partner, but don't feel sorry when it happens as the cheater knew the risks and took their chances and personally I would love a tip off that my gf is sleeping with another behind my back. There was a thread on here recently about OW informing the wife of their affaira, which I do think is wrong...when the woman knowingly gets involved with an attached man.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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First of all, very sorry to hear your story. Then here's my rec:

 

Drop it, leave him alone, focus on making your own life the best it can be. Revenge can feel better sometimes but it just keeps you more invested in the person and focused on an unfixable situation. If you really want your life to change and find someone good, actively use your energy and time to do that and leave this loser and thoughts of him in the dust.

 

BTW, no one really needs "closure". That is a big fallacy!! Why so he can keep lying to you?!! You know he's a big liar, period, end of story. Bye!

 

You are better than this.

Krieger Established Member

Krieger

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oh honey, I have been there. That was a few years ago so I have had time to find my answers.

 

Why it happened? Because even though he was full of red flags, I closed my eyes, and I let it happen. That's what I did back then, that's also what you did with this man.

 

It doesn't make the hurt go away but you really need to figure out your part in this from the beginning. You know those reds flags, you saw them wave at you, the question is why did you ignore them.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, you know the answers to your questions, you know the why.

 

 

people only use you when you let them, so if you let people use you, its your own fault.

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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I'm sorry this happened to you, truly. He's a low down, scummy son of a b****. I'd tell his gf what was going on, it's not like it happened once and that was that, this went on for months and months. You should feel pity for that woman, she is the true victim here. Hopefully she will see what he really is.

 

 

I know you hurt deep inside, I know you're lonely and you want to be loved. You don't want to be loved by him in particular, you want to be loved in general. That's why you are hurting, the void is there within you that is taking everything from you. You'll be ok. Force yourself to get out and do things, but honestly, meditate and workout. There is a mind/body connection and you don't realize how it does/doesn't affect you until they are off.

nadine5 Established Member

nadine5

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I know you guys are probably sick of me but I just wanted to update you guys. The guy I've been dealing with for the past 8 months and have been trying to figure out, that was being hot and cold with me had a gf the whole time. This is the same guy that I've had sex with numerous times (PROTECTED), the same guy who told me I'm the first girl that he's kissed passionately in a long time since his last relationship. I just feel so used and betrayed now that I know for SURE there was another woman the whole time and she not just some random girl because she was with him at his daughters Prom and graduation from High school :( Why did he have to lie to me and use me if he already has a woman? Is it because I'm the younger woman? I just can't figure this out. I know I shouldn't cry but How can I not? I feel bad for his gf too because she doesn't even know her man has been having sex with another woman.. Even though it's been a while, he still was in contact with me. I'm in disbelief. This would explain all the ignored text and him not having much time for me. Please be understanding, this is news to me and I'm just looking for closure. Idk how to feel. Why?? :(

 

 

Never continue to just "see each other" after two-three months. After that you're just wasting your time.

mongo Established Member

mongo

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you should dig you key into the side of his souped up 4 wheel drive, carve your name in his leather seats, take a louisville slugger to both headlights, then slash the tires. thatll teach him.

just kidding dont break his stuff. hes obviously a piece of crap. stop pedestalizing him and move on.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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you should dig you key into the side of his souped up 4 wheel drive, carve your name in his leather seats, take a louisville slugger to both headlights, then slash the tires. thatll teach him.

just kidding dont break his stuff. hes obviously a piece of crap. stop pedestalizing him and move on.

 

Ha..."pedestalizing"...is this a word? Don't care.....love it!!

 

Great word.....and yes it applies and she should definitely move on....

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