Sweets1919 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 The basic story is, my boyfriend of 8 months works out of town a lot. He was supposed to come see me this week and we were going to go away to our home city (12 hr drive away) for a few days. We were supposed to leave today. He did not call me from Saturday to Tuesday. Originally he was supposed to be here after getting off work Tuesday night. He had mentioned he might have to work a few extra days. I was planning on taking two days off work to make the trip with him. When he called Tuesday night he called my cell, i missed the call and he didn't leave a message. When I returned the call he didn't answer and he never returned my call that night. I tossed and turned thinking he would show up as planned but he didnt. After I last posted, he called me on Wednesday afternoon at 1:30...said he was calling from work and couldn't talk long. He said he didn't know when work woud end...I said "so maybe friday" and he said maybe but he would only know when it was done...basically he'd know the "day of". I asked him if things were "ok" with us and he said yes, and why would I ask. I said b/c he had not left a message the previous night and he was like "oh, I went right to bed after " (which i think is a bs excuse...b/c when i called back it was 45 min later and the phone rang....but went to voicemail) So I relaxed a bit and I had asked about the weekend and tried to be flexible saying "we'll figure it out and whenever you are off is fine" I had also asked if he was for sure coming to my town and he's like "ya, i think so". and that he'd call me soon. Well Wed. night passes with no more word, but I was still ok with things b/c he had called. I went to work Thurs, to my baseball game etc. and came home at 11pm. I had sent him a "goodnight" text at 10:30. Well you may think I'm "evil" for this, but he has given me internet access to his bank account to help him pay bills online when he is out of town. So I went on the computer tonight to see if there had been any transactions (I had also gone on Wed. night and saw he had been to dinner and got fuel for his truck...I tried to be positive and figured he and the guys from work decided to go get some drinks/dinner b/c they were bummed about having to work longer than expected). So tonight when I looked I saw that on Thursday he had been to: a chocolate store (spent $2.75), a coffee shop (spent $7.70),a couple gas stations and finally an inn (hotel/motel) where he spent $53.00. The inn transaction was in a town about an hour and a half away from where I live. So he is obviously off of work and heading somewhere. He has obviously been in cell range and has not called me or texted. Even knowing all this, I called him at midnight and the phone rang and again went to voicemail. I left a brief message saying I was calling to say goodnight. I went to bed, couldn't really sleep, called his cell at 1:30 just to see if it was "on", but it was "off". I even had a friend of mine call the inn and ask for his room, but they said there was no one there by that name...so I thought maybe it was food...but guess not...it's a mystery to me. So things are going downhill quickly and it sucks. I guess his feelings have just changed in the past week and I don't really know why. I could wrack my brain trying to analyze "should I have done this or should I have said that" to avoid us falling apart, but I know that trying to do that will just drive me bonkers. STILL has no consideration of my time or weekend or feelings. My family here was expecting me home for the weekend and I've had to say "oh, he's at work" (when I thought he was really stuck there till who knows when)...now I feel like a fool and they are all going to be saying "did he arrive yet" and I'm going to have to say "no". So many times he has said that communication is the key to a relationship...even when there are troubles. Obviously he can't follow his own advice and it makes me angry. I am sad and hurt that I have tried to be accommodating to his absentee schedule, adjusting to sporadic phone calls...working overtime so I could come home early when he was at my house to help our relationship be the best it could. I guess I am grateful that this is coming out now. The funny thing is he thinks that I still think he is at work. How should I approach this with him? Wait till he comes to see me? Get angry on the phone? Tell him he HAS to come see me? He is treating me, my time, my job (I do have people that rely on me...i work in social services), and my feelings like they don't matter and I refuse to stand for it. I stayed with my ex for three years thinking he'd change and I am not going to be a fool and wait for bad behaviour to go away again.
tiki Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Why don't you ask him what was going on? Then when he denies it completely (which he probably will), you've got him framed. Of course, give him an opportunity to justify. Sheesh, you shouldn't have to be dealing with this! Also, just FYI, my bank website posts the check card usages to about 2 days later than than the actual date that the transaction occured.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Sweets, I keep telling ya, he's just not that into you. I for one can't understand anyway why he feels the need to spend so much time in his hometown to begin with. Are his parents ill? Grandma?? That's a lot of time. I'd confront him and tell him I think somethings going on and why. When he denys it, which he will then bust him with the bank information. You're wasting time with this loser.
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 From now on, make plans at least a week in advance, and if he doesn't call the night before to confirm, CANCEL. Don't ask what he wants to do for the weekend. Tell him what YOU'RE going to do. Say, "I'm going to Mom's this weekend." If it's Thursday, and he says, "But...I thought we could go out this weekend!" say, "oh...sorry...I've already made plans." Being too available gives a guy permission to walk all over you. My sister's prom is next Friday. My mom emailed me and said she wasn't feeling well, and asked me if I could come down early, in case my sister needs help getting ready. I told her no problem. I was going to leave work an hour early and head down, but now, I am just going to take the whole day off and go down. I told my boss. I wouldn't wait until the day before and tell my boss...NO WAY. And boyfriend's should be no exception. He's wasted...what...two weeks of your life making you wait around on him? That's too much wasted time. From now on, if you don't know a week in advance, you don't plan on it. If he doesn't confirm the night before, and you can't get hold of him the night before, consider the plans cancelled and don't worry about it. You haven't really talked to him for a least a week now...right? Just tell your family that you've broken up...it sounds to me like it is OVER.
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie Sweets, I keep telling ya, he's just not that into you. Oh...you picked up on that too.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Yeah, in her first post the other day. I judge a guy's committment by how much time he spends with you and such things like that. He's always too busy for her with work. He's NOT that busy!
Marshbear Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 I would just not call him for a week or so and see what he does. If he doesn't get in touch with you then he is avoiding you and you know your answer....
tanbark813 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Also, just FYI, my bank website posts the check card usages to about 2 days later than than the actual date that the transaction occured. I don't know about other bank's websites, but I know B of A posts the transaction date along with the posting date.
New_Wife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 I think if you're going to all of this trouble to verify what some instinct is screaming at you - you already know all you need to about this relationship's viability - you just don't want it to be true. Whether he's cheating, isn't cheating, whatever - you don't trust him and you're not happy. Move on.
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Yes. Even when I just stay the night at my parents' house, I'll call my husband *even though he KNOWS where I am* just because we love each other, and I don't like going that long without hearing his voice. He lived two hours away when we were dating. But on his days off, he'd make the 2 hour drive to spend time with me. He called me EVERY NIGHT even though it was long distance. When you love someone, you MISS them. You want to hear their voice...that's just natural...that's what you do! When I spend the night with my parents, I can't go two days without talking to my husband. One time, he had a weekend camping trip planned with his uncle. I had planned to visit my parents for the weekend. So he left for work that morning, and I went to my parents' home. Then that evening, I was with my friend all day, and didn't get to phone home. By that evening (*around 8 when I got home*) he had already went to the lake with his uncle. So I didn't get to talk to him all that day. The next day was Sunday, and I usually go to church with my parents before heading home. I couldn't WAIT for church to be over, because I missed my husband so bad I was MISERABLE. It wasn't that I didn't trust him...I KNEW EXACTLY where he was, and who he was with. I knew he was having fun with his family. But I missed him! I couldn't stand going so long without talking to him... I almost can't go a full 24 hours without talking to him. Next weekend, I'll be visiting my parents all day Friday (it's my sister's prom), all day Saturday, and until noon Sunday morning. I'm dreading it, because I just about know that I won't be able to make it all that time without seeing my husband THAT'S love. I don't know if I'll be able to stand being away from home for two nights!!! YOU MAN GOES FOUR DAYS WITHOUT CALLING YOU. aka...he's not that into you.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Monday- Every time I see your cat I laugh! Sweets, My BF has driven 45 minutes with me to spend a hour with me when he wanted to see me! I've done the same just to get a few minutes with him. I had my kids this past weekend. He went to church with us and then came over and watched TV- nothing was really going on but he wanted to hang with me and my kiddos. He said he'd do that just to be able to hold my hand! I was married to a man for over ten years who just wanted someone to be there when he wanted them to be. I know what I'm talking about. You have a full life sweetie without this jerk. You've only invested 8 months in him, not ten years. Do yourself a favor and move on. You really know what's going on here, deep down, you just don't want to face it!
MadDog Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Your interactions with your boyfriend sounds like a case straight out of the TV show "Cheaters." Whether he's cheating or not, I'm not sure but he's definately acting really shady. Even if he's not cheating, can you say he's treating you the way you'd want to be treated?
Author Sweets1919 Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 He called me Friday morning and told me he was still at "work" and would be there till Sunday. I confronted him on the fact that I knew he was not at work and in the town I found out about. He basically said that he and the guys from work came down to "party" and go to the bar Thursday and that he is going to help friends move this weekend (which I knew about before) and that he'll come see me on Monday. We had a big talk and I clearly explained the respect and consideration I expect and deserve and have not been getting. He said the reason he lied was so I didn't "get mad" that he was going out to party with guys from work instead of coming straight to see me. I explained that he should have told me and not lied, that he has not even called all week to ask how my LIFE is going and that shows me that he is not even interested in hearing my voice or asking how things are for me....he does not care even enough as a friend to call and say "how are you?" I told him that if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me then we can break up, but he needs to talk to me and not play these games. I told him I deserve more than that and I'm not going to settle for sh**. Then he's like "I don't want to break up and I do want to be with you, I just need some space now"...he said our age was the issue...i am 31, he is 26. He also even mentioned that maybe he has committment issues and (jokingly) said maybe he needs counselling (funny that he even is recognizing that!!!) .... Maybe he does have a commitment issue (he had one long term 9 yr relationship before me....mostly LDR) and he continues to work away from home. He rents an apartment, owes money on his truck, line of credit and credit cards. I have a 9-5 job, savings, own my house and own a car and have no debt. I am ready for a relationship that is going towards marriage and children. I told him to take the weekend, do his thinking and I am going to too, and we will talk in person on Monday.
tanbark813 Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Sounds like you handled it perfectly. Good for you.
marcy939 Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 sorry to say, but you need to get rid of this guy!! he is going to be more aggravation than it's worth, if he says he need "space" now after 8 months than he is JUST NOT INTO YOU, he should want to be with you and not be something he has to do, and the fact that he is lying now...he will NEVER Change, don't waste anymore time with this guy, u deserve better!!! to many red flags for you to stick around good luck!! by the way you should blow him off for your talk....
Author Sweets1919 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 So I checked up on him on Saturday on the bank website....expecting to see some spending in the city he was supposed to be in to help his friends and to do his "thinking". I was surprised to see purchases (food and liquor store) and bank machine cash withdrawals on Friday and Saturday from MY town!!! (not 2 hrs away like he said he'd be). MORE LIES!! So I texted him last night to confirm that he would be here on Monday to "talk"....and he did not reply. I called him later last night (angry) and asked him to "please call me" (he didnt). Today he calls and tells me that he is in my town (after I asked where he is) Here are his explanations (aka lies)....... -asks me if i called him last night...says he saw my number on his cell but the "message" didnt' work, however, later in the conversation he tells me that I was not supposed to call him all weekend to give him his space to think and that I did not sound happy on the voicemail so that is why he did not call back last night. -tells me he is in town staying with a friend from work. Confronted him on the whole "going to help friends move" story and again said he lied b/c he didn't want me to get mad about him hanging out with the boys. (Even through all of this i have not "freaked out" -told him he has been in my town all weekend (he was in a nearby town on Friday at noon...supposedly heading south)....he's like "no, we came up yesterday" and I again had to use the bank info as my proof that he was in my city on Friday buying liquor.....he then says "what day is it?" I say it's Sunday and he's like "oh ok, then i guess we came up Friday" (you'd think he'd know if he got to town yesterday or not! Told him I knew he had not just passed through my town on Wednesday night as he said, his credit card has a room charged at a "motel" in town ($85). He insisted he did not stay in my city and kept driving an hour and a half to the nearby town. He said paid for his "buddy's" room b/c he didn't have a credit card (keep in mind he just met these guys two weeks ago!) Later realized there were shopping expenses he paid for on Thursday at the big mall in this city....so doesn't add up when he says he did not stay here Wed. night. (So....STILL after all this he continues to lie to me) Tells me he did not call this week and wasn't honest about us going back home for the weekend b/c he feels "trapped", that I want marriage and that he wanted to slow things down. **I continued to say he should have talked to me instead of avoiding, manipulating and lying. I had already packed up all his stuff here and put it on the front porch in garbage bags. He tells me that he wants to see me, that he wants to talk in person. (This is at 2pm today). So I basically called him on that too b/c I said "fine, then come over now"...and he says "oh, well i can't today, we are heading back to the nearby town to take some of the guys home, but i'll be back here tomorrow or Tuesday"..........meanwhile he is making like he is crying and sad and "can't talk" b/c he is so upset.........BS!!!!!! I am not going to fall for his crap or sweet words. Even today when I was explaining his lack of respect or consideration or real friendship for me and stated that it hurt me to be lied to, he never even said "I'm sorry", no pleading "I'm sorry J" and sounding remorseful. He did not even sound sorry that he was lying or had been caught. He just said "ok" "I know". He said that he had done his thinking and that he thought we could make it work (before he knew I was mad and had packed his sh**) Sweets
sunlight Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 He's finished, done and over with. Move on Sweets. Cause there are plenty of sweet men out there that can keep there word. They are the ones you should be paying attention to.
HoldOn Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 It's over sweets. You know he's totally lying to you. I know you want closure to your relationship. But you need to realize that the relationship is already over. Your ex is just too shallow to let you go. (but I don't agree that a guy has to call you every single day, as some other posters said. Each relationship is different. A guy can be reliable in other ways and still call every 2-3 days and that's okay.)
Author Sweets1919 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 I agree that they don't have to call every day....I think I just longed for the contact because our conversations when we had them were like two minutes long to "say goodnight". there was no substance to them or actual enquiry into my day or my life. If we had a half hour conversation (that he had made time for before he is falling asleep) that I felt heard and acknowledged in then I would not have had the lonely feelings I had last weekend when he did not call. But i didn't have the substance calls, a feeling of security or a feeling like he really cares about me or my day or my feelings.... Thanks to all of you for your great words this past week. It is a bit scary going back to being single, but I would rather be happy and single and regain control of my life than be stuck with a liar who makes me sad. Are there really quality single men out there at the age of 30-35??? We hear so much about guys with baggage, issues, addictions, violence, infidelity etc.....I wonder how many "good ones" are really out there and are available. I am proud of myself for ending this immediately (after I gave him the second chance last Fall). My previous bf and I were "on/off" for three years...each time I thought he would change, grow, realize how much he loves me and give me everything I want and deserve. I learned from that that "people show you who they are and you have to believe them"....so I am out of this one with a little disappointment, but with excitement for my future with someone who can be the man that I want to give my heart to.
Recommended Posts