stb90 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 First off a little about us... My girlfriend and I are both 24. We met a little over a year ago when she first moved here. She does not have a father figure - it's just her, her mom, and her sister that she calls "family". Her sister has a fiance. She calls her dad her "sperm doner." They are from a different state. Her sister and mom moved down to here a year before she ended up moving here, as she was finishing up college in their home state. She decided to move to here once she graduated to be with her family. She was in a sorority in college and has a ton of friends back home and knows literally no one down here except me. Now onto our relationship. We met about a month after she moved down here which was a little over a year ago. We both fell for each other rather quickly. I am her first "serious" boyfriend... she did not date anyone in college, she only had a high school fling whom she broke up with before she went to college. She has never been in love. Me on the other hand, I've dated quite a few girls, although have only been in "love" once... back freshman year of college which was 5 years ago. Like I said, for the first two months of our relationship, things were great - as is with most new relationships. We didn't have a "title", so I thought after about two months of hanging out often and talking to each other every day that I would "ask her out". I planned dinner with her Friday night and I set up everything had balloons and flowers in the door for when we came back to my house she would see them and I would ask her (that was the plan). Well, she showed up and I got in her car (she didn't come inside when she arrived we just left for dinner) and she wasn't saying a word. She had just started a new job that Monday and said she was "tired". Knowing her how I know her now, its true that when she's tired she just gets quiet. But this is where I messed up. We got to the restaurant I was thinking "WTF is wrong with her" and getting mad. She continued to be silent, and I lost it. I got up and walked out of the restaurant. She came out, and I was like "just take me home" visibly upset. When we got back to my house I yelled at her, telling her to just leave, got out of her car and walked in my house and she left crying. She called and I didn't answer. She called again, and we got in a huge argument... Later that night, it began to sink in that I had royally messed up. I had no idea though what was to come. What was to come was 5 months of hell almost. She completely shut down from me and her already big walls, got even bigger. Over the course of the next five months, we argued a lot, but still talked all the time. We didn't have a "label" and things were really confusing, to say the least. We really really liked each other, and then I messed up that one time, and its like she made me pay for it big time. It got to the point where I tried to break it off with her about 4 times, and every time she would fight for me and be like no this is not what we want, We can fix this, etc etc... and I would not have the balls to end it. So things would be good for a week or two then just get horrible again. She literally would not show me anything it felt like, and here I was trying my hardest to show her I cared still and I messed up. I think it had to do with her not having a male father figure, it was hard enough to let me in in the first place or something, IDK. But anyways... so this continued for 5 months, Until eventually she told me a relationship was not in the cards for her and she wanted a break. I simply said "okay." We were on a break for about a month and a half, but still talked all the time. Fast forward to around December. Something finally clicked between us and its hard to explain but we both just seemed to finally give into each other and in the blink of an eye, things were better than they were in the very beginning! We both were extremely happy, and agreed to get "back together". We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and are happier than ever. Every time we begin to argue or what not it never lingers because we have been through so much. She talks to me about marriage and how she views me as a potential husband and stuff. Now my question is - she told me she wants to wait til marriage to have sex. We tried to have sex in the very beginning but it was not good and we dont count it because it was literally like 10 minutes of me hurting her... sorry if thats too much info. So now, I guess she made a recommitment to God (she is very religious) to wait until marriage. She says she hooked up with only a handful of guys in college, but according to her "it was college" (she was in a sorority too). Now my thing is, I am really getting sexually frustrated because I want to have sex with her but i told her from the beginning its not all about sex. But at the same time, its been over a year now, and I'm still here. It's not like I'm gonna hit it and quit it. But i want to respect her... but part of it digs at me like... other guys got it easy and here I am a year later and cant even get it. And also, why did she have sex (even if it "doesn't count") with me in the beginning but not now? What happens if we wait til marriage and were not sexually compatible? Im scared of that as well. One thing she did mention though, was she isnt 100% about waiting til marriage, "if it happens it happens" is what she says... but I've tried and tried and tried and tried and she always eventually stops me.... even though she is soaking wet. It's gotten to the point where I'm really getting annoyed by it but I don't want to cheat on her. I keep reading that it's BS that a girl who has had sex makes a guy wait til marriage and that means she probably is getting it from somewhere else but I honestly don't think she's like that? Also, another thing - she recently had an abnormal pap and it turns out she has low grade HPV...so she got it from someone... even though it can take years to show up. Any advice?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 First off a little about us... My girlfriend and I are both 24. We met a little over a year ago when she first moved here. She does not have a father figure - it's just her, her mom, and her sister that she calls "family". Her sister has a fiance. She calls her dad her "sperm doner." They are from a different state. Her sister and mom moved down to here a year before she ended up moving here, as she was finishing up college in their home state. She decided to move to here once she graduated to be with her family. She was in a sorority in college and has a ton of friends back home and knows literally no one down here except me. Now onto our relationship. We met about a month after she moved down here which was a little over a year ago. We both fell for each other rather quickly. I am her first "serious" boyfriend... she did not date anyone in college, she only had a high school fling whom she broke up with before she went to college. She has never been in love. Me on the other hand, I've dated quite a few girls, although have only been in "love" once... back freshman year of college which was 5 years ago. Like I said, for the first two months of our relationship, things were great - as is with most new relationships. We didn't have a "title", so I thought after about two months of hanging out often and talking to each other every day that I would "ask her out". I planned dinner with her Friday night and I set up everything had balloons and flowers in the door for when we came back to my house she would see them and I would ask her (that was the plan). Well, she showed up and I got in her car (she didn't come inside when she arrived we just left for dinner) and she wasn't saying a word. She had just started a new job that Monday and said she was "tired". Knowing her how I know her now, its true that when she's tired she just gets quiet. But this is where I messed up. We got to the restaurant I was thinking "WTF is wrong with her" and getting mad. She continued to be silent, and I lost it. I got up and walked out of the restaurant. She came out, and I was like "just take me home" visibly upset. When we got back to my house I yelled at her, telling her to just leave, got out of her car and walked in my house and she left crying. She called and I didn't answer. She called again, and we got in a huge argument... Later that night, it began to sink in that I had royally messed up. I had no idea though what was to come. What was to come was 5 months of hell almost. She completely shut down from me and her already big walls, got even bigger. Over the course of the next five months, we argued a lot, but still talked all the time. We didn't have a "label" and things were really confusing, to say the least. We really really liked each other, and then I messed up that one time, and its like she made me pay for it big time. It got to the point where I tried to break it off with her about 4 times, and every time she would fight for me and be like no this is not what we want, We can fix this, etc etc... and I would not have the balls to end it. So things would be good for a week or two then just get horrible again. She literally would not show me anything it felt like, and here I was trying my hardest to show her I cared still and I messed up. I think it had to do with her not having a male father figure, it was hard enough to let me in in the first place or something, IDK. But anyways... so this continued for 5 months, Until eventually she told me a relationship was not in the cards for her and she wanted a break. I simply said "okay." We were on a break for about a month and a half, but still talked all the time. Fast forward to around December. Something finally clicked between us and its hard to explain but we both just seemed to finally give into each other and in the blink of an eye, things were better than they were in the very beginning! We both were extremely happy, and agreed to get "back together". We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and are happier than ever. Every time we begin to argue or what not it never lingers because we have been through so much. She talks to me about marriage and how she views me as a potential husband and stuff. Now my question is - she told me she wants to wait til marriage to have sex. We tried to have sex in the very beginning but it was not good and we dont count it because it was literally like 10 minutes of me hurting her... sorry if thats too much info. So now, I guess she made a recommitment to God (she is very religious) to wait until marriage. She says she hooked up with only a handful of guys in college, but according to her "it was college" (she was in a sorority too). Now my thing is, I am really getting sexually frustrated because I want to have sex with her but i told her from the beginning its not all about sex. But at the same time, its been over a year now, and I'm still here. It's not like I'm gonna hit it and quit it. But i want to respect her... but part of it digs at me like... other guys got it easy and here I am a year later and cant even get it. And also, why did she have sex (even if it "doesn't count") with me in the beginning but not now? What happens if we wait til marriage and were not sexually compatible? Im scared of that as well. One thing she did mention though, was she isnt 100% about waiting til marriage, "if it happens it happens" is what she says... but I've tried and tried and tried and tried and she always eventually stops me.... even though she is soaking wet. It's gotten to the point where I'm really getting annoyed by it but I don't want to cheat on her. I keep reading that it's BS that a girl who has had sex makes a guy wait til marriage and that means she probably is getting it from somewhere else but I honestly don't think she's like that? Also, another thing - she recently had an abnormal pap and it turns out she has low grade HPV...so she got it from someone... even though it can take years to show up. Any advice? You're clearly not compatible. Sorry, but the sex isn't the only problem. It reads to me that you've both been trying to make this relationship work for some reason, when it's evident that it's not working. You're obviously not that happy. Why are you forcing yourself to stay? 1
Author stb90 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 You're clearly not compatible. Sorry, but the sex isn't the only problem. It reads to me that you've both been trying to make this relationship work for some reason, when it's evident that it's not working. You're obviously not that happy. Why are you forcing yourself to stay? We're both happy, and she really really really likes me... Still doesn't love me apparently because she needs a longggg time according to her and her mom. Am I a fool for staying? I don't know if I can end it with her cuz I care about her so much.
WomenWubber Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Your post tells me you know exactly what you have to do. My only advice is... do it.
Author stb90 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Part of me hates the fact that she's making ME wait, but she said it doesn't matter about the other guys she's hooked up with cuz "i'm different" and she wants to wait with me or "if it happens, it happens".... like am I just blind or what? I don't think she would cheat on me? She also has HPV...
joseb Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 We're both happy, and she really really really likes me... Still doesn't love me apparently because she needs a longggg time according to her and her mom. Am I a fool for staying? I don't know if I can end it with her cuz I care about her so much. You are kidding yourself if you think you are happy. Re-read your post. In 12 months you have been barely speaking for 5. You have tried to break up many times. She says she doesn't love you. She refuses to have sex with you leaving you sexually frustrated, and is using an excuse that makes no sense. She has an STD despite claiming to be abstaining from sex. She uses silence as a tactic to manipulate you. It sounds like you two are not sexually compatible based on your 10 minute attempt. So why are you so keen to continue this relationship despite the above list? 1
BlueIris Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 She is saying “no” to having sex with you and it’s upsetting you so you’re building your case in your head as to why she should have sex with you. I doubt anyone is going to tell you how to get her to have sex with you. She doesn't want to. I agree that you two are not compatible in other ways, important ways. 3
preraph Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 So she isn't a virgin if she's hooked up with guys, so it's a little late to commit to "waiting for marriage" for any religious reason. That ship has sailed. If she hooked up in college, then why was it painful with you? I guess I am totally confused. Maybe you are saying she did everything but in college. Anyway, if she is a technical virgin and it's that painful, tell her she can get that taken care of in the gyn's office so "first time" isn't traumatic. I wouldn't marry someone who was waiting for marriage to have sex and they were in their mid-20s, but I realize everyone has different views on it. I think it's a waste of your best looking years. And I also think it's a sign of having no curiosity and not being spontaneous and passionate and is very rigid. I think a 24 year old who isn't driven to have sex may not be a whole lot of fun, basically. Why not try pre-marital counseling (not church counseling) plus her having a trip to the gyn to make sure everything is ok first.
minime13 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 We're both happy, and she really really really likes me... Still doesn't love me apparently because she needs a longggg time according to her and her mom. Am I a fool for staying? I don't know if I can end it with her cuz I care about her so much. How can she not love you and be talking about marriage? You named out a whole host of problems with your relationship and your biggest concern is sex? I'm not sure that either of you should be dating other people seriously right now.
Author stb90 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 The last time she claims she had sex before the one time with me was February 2014... With some guy in my state she met on tinder while visiting her family before she moved here (she was still in college). This was before she met me. She said she got drunk and stayed the night there the first night and they had sex. And she felt disgusted afterwards and was like "that's not me"... And wanted to abstain from sex. Well then she met me a few months later and we had sex that one time and that's it. HPV could've been from anyone and it can take years to show up but who knows. She did spend the night at a guy friends house one time for his birthday. She got wasted downtown and claims she passed out on his couch. I got so pissed about it. But she swears up and down nothing happened but something just digs at me about it... I mean that was back in September when we were going thru our 5 months of fighting stage. She likes all his Instagram pics too and claims they're only friends but he's a good looking guy ( no homo). He's also super rich. But whatever who knows
minime13 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 So she isn't a virgin if she's hooked up with guys, so it's a little late to commit to "waiting for marriage" for any religious reason. That ship has sailed. If she hooked up in college, then why was it painful with you? I guess I am totally confused. Maybe you are saying she did everything but in college. Anyway, if she is a technical virgin and it's that painful, tell her she can get that taken care of in the gyn's office so "first time" isn't traumatic. I wouldn't marry someone who was waiting for marriage to have sex and they were in their mid-20s, but I realize everyone has different views on it. I think it's a waste of your best looking years. And I also think it's a sign of having no curiosity and not being spontaneous and passionate and is very rigid. I think a 24 year old who isn't driven to have sex may not be a whole lot of fun, basically. Why not try pre-marital counseling (not church counseling) plus her having a trip to the gyn to make sure everything is ok first. The pain could be from HPV. If I were the OP, I'd be more worried about her having an STD than how can I get her to have sex with me? This is all sorts of irrational.
Author stb90 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 The last time she claims she had sex before the one time with me was February 2014... With some guy in my state she met on tinder while visiting her family before she moved here (she was still in college). This was before she met me. She said she got drunk and stayed the night there the first night and they had sex. And she felt disgusted afterwards and was like "that's not me"... And wanted to abstain from sex. Well then she met me a few months later and we had sex that one time and that's it. HPV could've been from anyone and it can take years to show up but who knows. She did spend the night at a guy friends house one time for his birthday. She got wasted downtown and claims she passed out on his couch. I got so pissed about it. But she swears up and down nothing happened but something just digs at me about it... I mean that was back in September when we were going thru our 5 months of fighting stage. She likes all his Instagram pics too and claims they're only friends but he's a good looking guy ( no homo). He's also super rich. But whatever who knows. She has known him since freshman year of college and he moved down for grad school.
minime13 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 The last time she claims she had sex before the one time with me was February 2014... With some guy in my state she met on tinder while visiting her family before she moved here (she was still in college). This was before she met me. She said she got drunk and stayed the night there the first night and they had sex. And she felt disgusted afterwards and was like "that's not me"... And wanted to abstain from sex. Well then she met me a few months later and we had sex that one time and that's it. HPV could've been from anyone and it can take years to show up but who knows. She did spend the night at a guy friends house one time for his birthday. She got wasted downtown and claims she passed out on his couch. I got so pissed about it. But she swears up and down nothing happened but something just digs at me about it... I mean that was back in September when we were going thru our 5 months of fighting stage. She likes all his Instagram pics too and claims they're only friends but he's a good looking guy ( no homo). He's also super rich. But whatever who knows. She has known him since freshman year of college and he moved down for grad school. And why do you want to stay in this relationship? Look, if you need a reason, you have one. The two of you are not compatible. You want different things. You have differing fundamental values. You don't have to look for one.
joseb Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 And why do you want to stay in this relationship? Look, if you need a reason, you have one. The two of you are not compatible. You want different things. You have differing fundamental values. You don't have to look for one. Yeah - I don't really say any positives mentioned. The no sex is but one of many incompatibilities. The fact she doesn't love you after a year for me would be a killer alone. So again, what is the reason you have to stay in this relationship?
BlueIris Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 The last time she claims she had sex before the one time with me was February 2014... With some guy in my state she met on tinder while visiting her family before she moved here (she was still in college). This was before she met me. She said she got drunk and stayed the night there the first night and they had sex. And she felt disgusted afterwards and was like "that's not me"... And wanted to abstain from sex. Well then she met me a few months later and we had sex that one time and that's it. HPV could've been from anyone and it can take years to show up but who knows. She did spend the night at a guy friends house one time for his birthday. She got wasted downtown and claims she passed out on his couch. I got so pissed about it. But she swears up and down nothing happened but something just digs at me about it... I mean that was back in September when we were going thru our 5 months of fighting stage. She likes all his Instagram pics too and claims they're only friends but he's a good looking guy ( no homo). He's also super rich. But whatever who knows. She has known him since freshman year of college and he moved down for grad school. Ok... but she doesn’t want to. Analyze and judge all you want. She could be a hooker turning 5 tricks every night and it wouldn’t matter. She doesn't want to. There is nothing you can or should do about that. You guys are not compatible, and you are pissed at her too much for this to be a happy relationship.
katiegrl Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 The last time she claims she had sex before the one time with me was February 2014... With some guy in my state she met on tinder while visiting her family before she moved here (she was still in college). This was before she met me. She said she got drunk and stayed the night there the first night and they had sex. And she felt disgusted afterwards and was like "that's not me"... And wanted to abstain from sex. Well then she met me a few months later and we had sex that one time and that's it. HPV could've been from anyone and it can take years to show up but who knows. She did spend the night at a guy friends house one time for his birthday. She got wasted downtown and claims she passed out on his couch. I got so pissed about it.But she swears up and down nothing happened but something just digs at me about it... I mean that was back in September when we were going thru our 5 months of fighting stage. She likes all his Instagram pics too and claims they're only friends but he's a good looking guy ( no homo). He's also super rich. But whatever who knows. She has known him since freshman year of college and he moved down for grad school. The thing that "just digs" at you about is your GUT....screaming that something definitely ain't right here! Good grief....dude if you can't recognize that this chick is definitely playing you...then you've got more problems than not having sex. Look....she's no innocent here. She's had a TON of sex...casual sex....picked up an STD in the process....yet she doesn't wish to have sex with YOU. What does THAT tell you? Not to mention it sounds like she has an alcohol problem to boot. Nevermind the religious crap she's throwing at you...it's BS....she's NOT attracted to you...and is playing you. Why is anyone's guess.... but don't kid yourself. Move on. Sorry to be so blunt... but someone had to. 1
Author stb90 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 She never goes out and those two times were like the only two times she's been drunk recently. She drank in college obviously but ever since she's been here she's been some what of a home body. I mean I have no proof of her cheating on me with her friend so I can't assume things. But she is really a genuine girl and I love her. Now that we are back on good terms and have been ok good terms since Dec... And it's not that she says she doesn't love me its just her mom even told me in the very beginning that it takes time with her. She had no father figure. she wrote me a card one time and said "I'm not good with words so I figured I would write it to you - I'm falling in love with you" and then I told her I love her. And I do. Just wondering when she will ever say she loves me.
Author stb90 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 We do not live together. She lives with her mom in an apartment and I live at home with my parents while I finish school.
Author stb90 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 And the reason why I want to be with her is because I am her first serious relationship - like I mentioned - she has never been in love. She never has had a positive male influence in her life like me... yeah she hooked up with guys... but I have hooked up with way more girls. All that matters is we are happy now... I just wish we could have sex. But that sounds so shallow. The past problems were all in the past. Like I said, we have been on good terms for 7 months and never argue at all really, and if we do, it is extremely short lasting.
joseb Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 OK, since you don't live together, how do you know she hasn't been drunk or going out? Her story about staying at that guys house for his birthday sounds suspicious, and the fact she hooked up on a ONS on Tinder before makes me think she isn't the innocent girl she pretends to be.
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 And the reason why I want to be with her is because I am her first serious relationship - like I mentioned - she has never been in love. She never has had a positive male influence in her life like me... yeah she hooked up with guys... but I have hooked up with way more girls. All that matters is we are happy now... I just wish we could have sex. But that sounds so shallow. The past problems were all in the past. Like I said, we have been on good terms for 7 months and never argue at all really, and if we do, it is extremely short lasting. If she has never been in love before, then how does she (or her mom) know it takes her a long time to fall in love? Obviously she has never met a guy she has fallen in love with...BUT when she DOES....trust me it's NOT gonna take her a year! Me thinks you are in denial (understandable since YOU love her)...but PLEASE wake up... Something's (many things) are not jiving here....sorry. 1
joseb Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 And the reason why I want to be with her is because I am her first serious relationship . That isn't a reason to want to be with someone. It is not your job to fix her if she has issues. What are YOU getting from this relationship? If there any positives to your relationship, I am not seeing any.
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 That isn't a reason to want to be with someone. It is not your job to fix her if she has issues. What are YOU getting from this relationship? If there any positives to your relationship, I am not seeing any. Agree and bottom line is....OP if she were attracted to you, she would be having sex with you...she would be WANTING to have sex with you. I am sure you are a positive influence on her, which is swell... but it's not LOVE and never will be. I am sure she "likes" you, but as a woman I can tell you, when we don't wish to have sex with a guy, it's because we are not attracted to him.
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