JewelD Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Okay, so I'm almost 2 months post BU and a little over a month NC. Long story short, boy meets girl, boy is a jerk, girl forgives boy again and again, boy doesn't change, girl leaves for someone else, boy promises to change, girl goes back, boy reveals he's been cheating with multiple people, girl forgives again, boy gets angry she's not over the cheating and dumps her. So I've been through every phase multiple times, anger, sadness, craziness, denial, etc. But for the past couple of days, I've been in the forgiveness phase. I've been dumped by this guy more times than I can count so I guess I was a bit prepared for the healing process. I've been writing in my journal a lot and it helps so much. I honestly don't feel a lot of anger when I think about what he did or him being with someone else. I feel indifferent, mostly because I realize what goes around comes around and life is going to throw him a **** storm at some point. Anyway, I wrote a letter in my journal to my ex, essentially acknowledging what he did and forgiving him (for myself). Previous letters were filled with expletives and wishes of death and pain. This letter was much more classy and 'higher-road'-like. I'm currently in NC and don't plan to break it any time soon, but I'm wondering if anyone out there has ever sent a letter or text/email to their ex once they were in the forgiveness stage? I'd like to hear your experiences. 2
DexterLS Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Yes I did. My girlfriend of 6 years cheated and dumped me for someone else. She is living in Dubai right now so I saved up for a whole year to go and meet her there. 3 days before, she confessed but I went anyway to make things right. Although a bit rough, she was open to working it out with me. When I got back from my trip of 2.5 weeks, she dumped me for the other guy and told me things I wished I never heard. It broke me and I am having a hard time moving on from all this. Anyway, my therapist told me to find it in myself to forgive her and so I sent her an e-mail stating that I forgave her for her betrayal and wished her all the happiness with the new boyfriend. Her answer was quite short: "I didn't betray you. Thank you." - She doesn't even realise what she made me go through and she played the victim for a while when I made our mutual friend know what was going on exactly.
Author JewelD Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Yes I did. My girlfriend of 6 years cheated and dumped me for someone else. She is living in Dubai right now so I saved up for a whole year to go and meet her there. 3 days before, she confessed but I went anyway to make things right. Although a bit rough, she was open to working it out with me. When I got back from my trip of 2.5 weeks, she dumped me for the other guy and told me things I wished I never heard. It broke me and I am having a hard time moving on from all this. Anyway, my therapist told me to find it in myself to forgive her and so I sent her an e-mail stating that I forgave her for her betrayal and wished her all the happiness with the new boyfriend. Her answer was quite short: "I didn't betray you. Thank you." - She doesn't even realise what she made me go through and she played the victim for a while when I made our mutual friend know what was going on exactly. Oh wow. Do you regret writing the letter? Did it make you feel any better to write and send it? How long had you been NC when you sent it?
dumbass2 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 In case you are thinking about sending one, best thing is to write and keep it yourself if it will help you forgive. Do not send him anything. That is a bad idea. You never know what you might get back and there's a good chance you hear nothing or something that makes you feel bad. He should not hear that you forgive him. You forgive him within yourself to help you move forward. You don't need his acknowledgement. 2
ManyDissapoint Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Her answer was quite short: "I didn't betray you. Thank you." - She doesn't even realise what she made me go through and she played the victim for a while when I made our mutual friend know what was going on exactly. Oh wow. It's one thing to not come forward and acknowledge that she did a ****ty thing and apologize or something. It's another thing entirely that she's denying any wrongdoing to your face. This is not at all surprising. I would expect a similar response from my ex. Serious cognitive dissonance, and zero empathy. However the fact that she responded, and wanted you to know that she 'didn't betray you' actually in fact reveals that she realizes she did betray you, otherwise she wouldn't have responded. Still infuriating to see that denial. @OP: Writing a letter is not usually a good idea. It will drive you mad when he doesn't respond. Then when he responds it could be not at all what you are expecting.
barefoot99 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 In case you are thinking about sending one, best thing is to write and keep it yourself if it will help you forgive. Do not send him anything. That is a bad idea. You never know what you might get back and there's a good chance you hear nothing or something that makes you feel bad. He should not hear that you forgive him. You forgive him within yourself to help you move forward. You don't need his acknowledgement. Yeah I have to agree here. Obviously each situation is unique but going on my own experiences in the past, I've been through times where I've thought 'oh I just want to send him an email/text to let him know I forgive him' but as quoted - just write it privately imo. If they aren't apologising and asking for your forgiveness, they don't care enough to know you've forgiven them. You forgive them for your own healing. In my experience, when I've moved on for sure I stop caring about wanting them to know I've forgiven them. I move on and become indifferent. 2
Torii Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Honestly, my relationship was just a waste of time. I didn't even bother to give them any closure and I certainly didn't bother to waste my time with a sappy letter that they wouldn't have ever opened. If my ex cared about my feelings, we wouldn't have had such a bad falling out and we wouldn't have had such a rocky relationship. The first year NC was really difficult. There were times I wanted to reach out, where I wanted an explanation but I never went through with actually connecting again. I knew it was better to have unanswered questions than to get involved again. 2
Author JewelD Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Yeah I have to agree here. Obviously each situation is unique but going on my own experiences in the past, I've been through times where I've thought 'oh I just want to send him an email/text to let him know I forgive him' but as quoted - just write it privately imo. If they aren't apologising and asking for your forgiveness, they don't care enough to know you've forgiven them. You forgive them for your own healing. In my experience, when I've moved on for sure I stop caring about wanting them to know I've forgiven them. I move on and become indifferent. That makes sense. It's just I have this "what if" feeling. After we broke up, we saw each other and he was being friendly. I was pissed and being cold and essentially told him he was being fake and that we wouldn't see each other after this visit (he came to take the dog to the vet). He seemed really shocked and confused when I said this. Like he expected that we would keep in touch. When he left that day, he gave me a hug, I told him he was fake and I basically ignored him when he left. That's when the NC contacted, he never responded to let me know if he got home or anything. I'm probably being irrational, but I said a lot of awful things towards the end. Like words that make you want to fight someone. He said a lot of the things I had said hurt him, I could tell in his responses. I was just angry of course. I don't want to think that we'll never talk because he thinks I meant those things or that I hate him.
Satu Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I've written letters but never sent them. I just didn't feel that I needed to send them. Getting my thoughts down on paper for my own benefit was enough.
jap26 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I had an ex that broke up with me after I had a health scare. A few days after he ended it, it turned out that my health scare was not as bad as was originally thought. When I reached out to him to let him know, he lost it. He was devastated that he hurt me. I immediately sent him a long message to tell him I forgave him, and although we do not speak any more, I have no ill will towards him because I know his heart is kind and he is a good man. He just was incredibly scared. However, I have another ex that will never read the forgiveness letter I wrote for him. I found out some lies after we split that were incredibly hurtful. While I forgive him just as much as I forgive my other ex, his heart is not kind. He is not the honest, giving person I thought he was. Write out any letters or thoughts you need to so you can reach forgiveness and find closure within yourself, but do not rely on anyone from your past to give you that closure because it can't come from them. It's up to you if you think your ex is deserving enough to know about your forgiveness, and it's up to you to find that closure within yourself. 1
jen1447 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I've never done it but I've had a fantasy of sending a letter to my years-long-over disaster BF. It would just be an empty sheet of paper in an envelope addressed to him in my writing. 2
learnbyliving Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I fantasize about the day when I can thank him for our time together, for how he handled the breakup, to acknowledge some of the things he said was right. I fantasize about all the nice things I'm going to say because when I feel like I can say these things, I know I'll be over him for good. I think I would actually say these things too, even if I didn't need to anymore. I've said similar things to another ex. Closure is different for different people and if it didn't end ugly, this would be the final step of closure for me. If it did end ugly, I wouldn't bother even if I forgave them.
Torii Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 A lot of people say forgiveness is for the other person, when really forgiveness is for you - to move on and fully heal from the relationship. Although you'll never forget the person, you can reassure yourself that the ending had to happen for you to really do some soul searching. Bad endings, IMHO, help you grow as a person. Allows you to identify traits that you don't want in future partners, and so on you'll be better off because of that relationship. I'm beyond kind to my current SO, because I know what it's like to be treated like utter crap. Wouldn't wish it on anybody, that's why I always treat people with the most respect and understanding that I can. 2
na49 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I think writing a letter of "forgiveness" when your ex doesn't think they did anything wrong just makes you look bad. I think that some people's ex's don't believe they did anything wrong (even if they cheated/left for someone else). They all did what they believed was best for them. If it meant hurting us, then so be it. Our feelings aren't really their concern at that point, most of the time they just let us down easy. I have no intentions of ever sending my ex any letter, because honestly I don't know what I'd say to her. I don't really "forgive" her for everything she's put me through, but I won't hold a grudge about it either. It is what it is. She is who she is. I believe that you can "forgive" them without telling them you forgive them. Announcing it like that just opens up the door for more contact, which usually isn't a good thing. 3
BC1980 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 It broke me and I am having a hard time moving on from all this. Anyway, my therapist told me to find it in myself to forgive her and so I sent her an e-mail stating that I forgave her for her betrayal and wished her all the happiness with the new boyfriend. Her answer was quite short: "I didn't betray you. Thank you." - She doesn't even realise what she made me go through and she played the victim for a while when I made our mutual friend know what was going on exactly. You need a new therapist. Heck, even just LS. No one on here would have given you that advice. Your ex doesn't need to know that they are forgiven, and you don't need to wish her a happy life. Jeez. I'm sorry you got that advice.
BC1980 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 If someone truly feels they did something wrong, they will seek you out and offer a heartfelt apology. Otherwise, they either think they did nothing wrong or simply don't care that they did something wrong. Either way, I don't want them around me. I forgave my ex after about 1.5 years, and it was very difficult. It became easier to stomach over time, but true forgiveness is not going to come easy. It's not just words. True forgiveness comes when you have moved on and are mostly indifferent. It's for you alone. Your ex doesn't need to know about any forgiveness. 5
Zapbasket Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 If someone truly feels they did something wrong, they will seek you out and offer a heartfelt apology. Otherwise, they either think they did nothing wrong or simply don't care that they did something wrong. Either way, I don't want them around me. Facing your mistakes takes a lot of courage, and all of us at times aren't up to the task. It's much easier to just block someone you have wronged from your life than it is to say, "I'm sorry." Some folks have stronger consciences than others, and the pull of their conscience makes it just as awkward, internally, for them to avoid their mistakes as it would be for them to own up to them. But others can live with the vague discomfort of their unaddressed mistakes, with the help of denial, numbing of feeling, distraction, and self-justifications. Like BC1980 said, those are not the kind of people you want around you. They'll never manage to do you a good turn. I forgave my ex after about 1.5 years, and it was very difficult. It became easier to stomach over time, but true forgiveness is not going to come easy. It's not just words. True forgiveness comes when you have moved on and are mostly indifferent. It's for you alone. Your ex doesn't need to know about any forgiveness. I second this. Forgiveness is a long process, and to be truly complete and genuine, it has to delve deep into your psyche where it is 100% a personal matter. There really isn't much the person who hurt you can say or do, except through almost abject levels of consistent contrition and acts of love over time. Few people want to do that; they want to hear that they are forgiven and move on. Sadly, it just doesn't work on that timetable; hence why forgiveness is a process that occurs within, and on its own time.
erklat Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 There are fives stages and forgiveness is not one of them. Letters, irrelevant the content, are always tragically bad idea . Like really really bad .
ravfour4 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Huh? You're telling me you're supposed to stay angry forever rather than forgive, forget and move on? Good one. In certain circumstances a letter could give the sender closure. In VERY very rare circumstances a letter may help the dumper better understand how much the dumpee cared. Not all dumpers are smart people who thoroughly thought about the decision - many may be, but not all. Some are impulsive people who never took a minute to really think about things from the other person's perspective. The use of always is almost always incorrect
BC1980 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Huh? You're telling me you're supposed to stay angry forever rather than forgive, forget and move on? Good one. I don't think anyone advocated staying angry forever. I think some of us are tying to say that forgiveness isn't something you can force, no matter how much you would like to forgive. I personally hated being angry with my ex and feeling that I couldn't move on. I absolutely did not want to feel that way, but angry and reluctance to forgive are simply natural. I think it's better to be honest about your feelings, process them, and look for alternative outlets (as opposed to writing letters and putting energy into the wrong person). I think unsent letters are great, and I actually wrote several of those, which most definitely helped me release a great deal of anger. In the early stages, I wouldn't even worry about forgiveness. You have enough on your plate to deal with. Forgiveness can come later and usually happens at the end when you've let it all go and become mostly indifferent. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 ^^^ Agreed. Once you forgive, you're kinda done. But it has to be legit. You'll know...
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