Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Ex has been spreading rumors to our mutual friends about how he was my victim and I was such a terrible and horrible person to him who didn't appreciated all his efforts to make me happy... What the hell? He lied, insulted me and I even have the feeling that he cheated on me... What should I do about this? Mutual friends are starting to ask me about this and I don't want to seem revengful but I also think that it is not fair to cover up his lies if thse lies involve me...
JewelD Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I would try to limit contact with these mutual friends or ask them not to speak to you about the issue. Of course he's playing the victim, it's a rare moment when someone who treated another person in a foul way would admit it to their friends. There's two sides to every story, and he may very well feel like a victim if he hasn't seen the error of his own ways. He may be a victim in some ways. It's hard to see it that way, but you both played a part in this. Even if he hurt you way more, you probably hurt him too in some ways that you may not even know. Natural way to think is "well you did X, Y and Z to me so who cares if I only did A to you?". But pain is pain, even if he treated you like crap and essentially brought it on himself, it doesn't mean you didn't hurt him. Do not entertain anything you hear about him. Let him say what he wants. At the end of the day, only you and him know the truth (your perspectives). And it will always be that way. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. It's not their business.
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 I would try to limit contact with these mutual friends or ask them not to speak to you about the issue. Of course he's playing the victim, it's a rare moment when someone who treated another person in a foul way would admit it to their friends. There's two sides to every story, and he may very well feel like a victim if he hasn't seen the error of his own ways. He may be a victim in some ways. It's hard to see it that way, but you both played a part in this. Even if he hurt you way more, you probably hurt him too in some ways that you may not even know. Natural way to think is "well you did X, Y and Z to me so who cares if I only did A to you?". But pain is pain, even if he treated you like crap and essentially brought it on himself, it doesn't mean you didn't hurt him. Do not entertain anything you hear about him. Let him say what he wants. At the end of the day, only you and him know the truth (your perspectives). And it will always be that way. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. It's not their business. Maybe I did hurt him but I just think it can't compare. I didn't lied nor cheated... Nor abused him... So, no...
JewelD Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Maybe I did hurt him but I just think it can't compare. I didn't lied nor cheated... Nor abused him... So, no... Maybe it doesn't compare, but you really can't say whether he's in pain or not. Not saying you need to feel guilty or anything, but it doesn't hurt to consider other people's POV. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Ex has been spreading rumors to our mutual friends about how he was my victim and I was such a terrible and horrible person to him who didn't appreciated all his efforts to make me happy... What the hell? He lied, insulted me and I even have the feeling that he cheated on me... What should I do about this? Mutual friends are starting to ask me about this and I don't want to seem revengful but I also think that it is not fair to cover up his lies if thse lies involve me...Speaking from firsthand experience, DISENGAGE. Are you familiar with the castle move in chess? It's a defensive move where you put a wall around your most valued piece, The King. By disengaging and going strict NC, you put a defensive wall around yourself. Let him rage all over the chessboard, you stay insulated and protected. In time, he'll get tired of the game and find a new opponent to malign. 1
Haydn Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Mutual friends are just that and they do tend to come down on one side or the other. Good friends do not. You don`t need to explain yourself to them and you shouldn`t. Back away gracefully Mond. The fact that he is complaining says a lot. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Maybe it doesn't compare, but you really can't say whether he's in pain or not. Not saying you need to feel guilty or anything, but it doesn't hurt to consider other people's POV. I don't think he is hurting. He is already dating someone else and has been trying very hard to make me llok like the bad guy. He even posted a gift he was supposed to give me on his facebook.... like... why would he do that? He posted a gift, but he doesn't post all the lies he said? meh. Sorry.... I'm mad at him.
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Speaking from firsthand experience, DISENGAGE. Are you familiar with the castle move in chess? It's a defensive move where you put a wall around your most valued piece, The King. By disengaging and going strict NC, you put a defensive wall around yourself. Let him rage all over the chessboard, you stay insulated and protected. In time, he'll get tired of the game and find a new opponent to malign. Thank you....
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Mutual friends are just that and they do tend to come down on one side or the other. Good friends do not. You don`t need to explain yourself to them and you shouldn`t. Back away gracefully Mond. The fact that he is complaining says a lot. Thank you Haydn. I just feel like it isn't fair to let him degrade me and don't speak out my version of things. I mean, I wouldn't insult him, just tell the truth... However you are right... I think it would just make him want to mess up with me some more.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I made the mistake of speaking the truth. The Narcissist takes whatever new information you provide and twists it, distorts it, uses it against you. There's no way you can win. The only way to beat a narcissist is to disengage. 1
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I also wonder why some dumpers do this! My ex slandered his ex wife when we were together, so I wasn't too surprised when his friends started giving me the cold shoulder after our breakup and he also tried to get MY friends' sympathy. Like, dude, you dumped me after you met someone else. Along with countless other terrible things you did. His friends only know his side and that's ok. But him trying to turn my friends against me got to me big time. That's another reason I went NC. If I acted out, I'd "prove him right" in a sense. I was as polite as I could be and brushed off the rumors. My real friends and family know the truth because they say his mistreatment firsthand. Some people really do have a victim mentality, and will do anything to justify their bad behavior. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Do they even know they screwed up? :/
Haydn Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Do they even know they screwed up? :/ NO. But you didn`t. 1
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Do they even know they screwed up? :/ Probably not, but you'd be surprised. Some do, and that's why they act defensive and try to be the victims. For others, it takes time. For some it will take A LOT of time. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Do they even know they screwed up? :/ My ex said to me, in private, after I discovered the truth, "I'm very good at compartmentalizing." That was over a year ago. What I took that to mean and what it has come to mean is that she is very adept at hurting people and blocking out any responsibility she has to that hurt. This is also what serial killers do. It's a miserable life, that's for sure. You have to inundate yourself and the people around you with lies. Can you imagine that? Lies pile on top of lies. Ten months after my break up I got word that she was still lying about things. And this time, her closest friends were reinforcing the garbage she told them back to her, to console her. It's a sickness. Be glad that you're free of a sickness. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 My ex said to me, in private, after I discovered the truth, "I'm very good at compartmentalizing." That was over a year ago. What I took that to mean and what it has come to mean is that she is very adept at hurting people and blocking out any responsibility she has to that hurt. This is also what serial killers do. It's a miserable life, that's for sure. You have to inundate yourself and the people around you with lies. Can you imagine that? Lies pile on top of lies. Ten months after my break up I got word that she was still lying about things. And this time, her closest friends were reinforcing the garbage she told them back to her, to console her. It's a sickness. Be glad that you're free of a sickness. Mine said something about not feeling anything when he should, and feeling too much when he shouldn't. He also said something about not wanting to get hurt and hurting people instead? :/ whatever, he is just an idiot. I'll read some of your threads... Thanks for the advice.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Read my threads. Read other people's threads. Ultimately, you know deep inside why things ended. There were signs all along that you should have been more attentive to. Time will do the work. Time is on your side. Count this as a learning experience. Pain is the greatest teacher. 1
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