Heartbroken - just need to anonymously vent :(

[barefoot99]

Hi everyone. Firstly sorry to post what I'm sure is a generic thread to you all but I think I really need to get things off my chest and ask for some advice because I've talked about this with my family and friends and feel I've hit a wall with it all now. I've stopped talking to them about it now because I'm sick of it. It doesn't change anything, but I'm still miserable and thinking about it all. I just need to be anonymous (will expand further down).

 

Basically I met a guy in November and agreed to go on a date with him about a month after meeting (in that month prior to first date we'd been texting). He almost pulled away before I finally agreed because he couldn't understand why it was taking me so long to agree to a date. I explained that I was a little apprehensive as in my last relationship I was mistreated and thus had some trust issues. But when I was finally ready I told him I did really like him and wanted to date him too.

 

So we started dating. We immediately clicked. After our first/second date we both said we wanted to be exclusive and 'not casual'. Things were going well. He seemed like a lovely sweet guy, someone I could trust and feel safe with. He started having panic attacks about 2 weeks into us dating, and revealed to me that he'd been having anxiety attacks on/off for the last month - I don't know, he was a little vague/unclear here to be honest. He said that I could leave if I wanted as he didn't want to burden me with all of this. I told him he was being silly and that it didn't faze me at all - and it didn't. Still doesn't. I was there for him for the following 2 months - long story short we became really close, I even met his parents, but this anxiety was taking over his life and making him very tired. He has no idea where it came from but did mention in the beginning that perhaps it's because he never processed his feelings about his ex - she cheated on him, he found out, and he 'ran away' (as he put it) and never really processed anything. He told me he wasn't happy with her and the love was long gone when they broke up and that if anything she did him a favour in cheating as it finally gave him a sure reason to leave.

 

Anyway, 2 months after we became official/started dating, his ex got back in touch demanding money. Long story short - it threw him off. Made his anxiety worse. He asked his best friend to deal with her as he couldn't handle it at that point with the anxiety and everything. From that point onwards, I feel things changed. He said to me the day after she'd contacted him or so that it made him feel jittery about women in general (she was pretty mean and said some nasty things to his best friend about him). He had said at the time that it was his stuff to deal with and that our relationship was better than it had ever been and apologised but that he just wanted me to understand where his head was at. So I took it all in and put it to the back of my mind - I didn't consider it a threat at all.

 

Fast forward - we got to a point where he hadn't called me (not even once) in 10 weeks, never asked to see me/never planned a date with me in all this time. Let me down on a couple of occasions where he'd said he'd try to visit me (we were long distance due to my job - England/Scotland), but then didn't come. Always used 'work' as his reason or being 'busy'. Sometimes he said he 'wasn't well' (with the anxiety), which I could understand.. He also stopped talking about his anxiety - said that he was going to try and just get on with it quietly as talking about it wasn't helping. Somewhere in these weeks he'd also said to me that I was 'too much' - believe me I tried so hard to respect his concerns and give him space and tone myself down, I could not have tried any harder. I made myself miserable trying to be honest.

 

So I gave him an ultimatum and said I couldn't carry on like this. Not talking or seeing each other for 10 weeks? That's not a relationship imo. This was after a few occasions where I'd try to talk about things so that we could solve our issues and he'd avoid talking about it or he'd start an argument (then blame me for the arguing). I gave him a couple of chances to end things with me as I thought what if that's what he really wanted but didn't have the heart to do it? He kept saying he wanted to be with me though, so we carried on.. but things didn't change. Anyway, ultimatum decision - he said he wanted to stay together, but then the following day broke up with me over text in the middle of an argument whereby he said he'd call me and never did (for the hundredth time - this time he'd left me hanging until 2am and then got angry with me when I calmly asked him if he was going to call me at all that night..).

 

Though I didn't handle the break up well in that moment (came as a shock), I calmed myself down the next day and sent him a mature text basically saying that if that is what he wants then so be it and thanked him for the memories and asked him to send my wishes to his parents. He then asked me later that evening if I was ok - not acknowledging that text at all. When I'd asked if he'd received my text - he said he yes and that he was 'processing it' (?) but was just asking if I was ok. A few days later he asked again if I was ok and then said he was 'gutted' when he found out I had visited home (same city he lives in) but left the night before. He said that the next time I was around, to let him know so that we could go for dinner.

 

?What? After 2 months of arguing based on the fact that he wasn't seeing me enough, he suddenly shows an interest in meeting days after breaking up with me? Was this guilt?

 

The next time we talked was a week later when I said hello. He wasn't very conversational but responded and was sort of there. Then we had nothing for 2 weeks until, again, I texted him today. Today I opened up a little and said that I was sad because he'd broken my heart, and that it made me feel crap about myself. He doesn't acknowledge this though. He denies that he broke my heart and says that I'm highly annoying. Given how horrible he'd been in the last 2 months, this shouldn't have surprised or hurt me, but admittedly I did find his total denial quite shocking and upsetting (and pretty cold and rude actually).

 

I just feel right now pretty crap really. I mean I don't know what to do exactly. I just want the nice guy I met and fell for, the one that gave a **** and was actually nice to me and wanted me in his life. He talked about moving in together when I moved back to our home city, he said he'd probably spend the rest of his life with me, and talked about the future with me in it.

 

I feel as though his ex contacting him again was a pivotal point - but if I try to bring it up or say this, he doesn't acknowledge it either way. Doesn't deny or admit it - nothing.

 

I know you guys don't know him or me and can't really give me the answers only he could give me (i.e. wtf happened? was I imagining our bond/connection or did something not in my control somewhere go tits up, eg the ex situation? Or was it his anxiety? Was it ME?) - but my friends just get angry and end up bad mouthing him to me which - don't get me wrong - it's so sweet to have such caring friends, but it just doesn't help my current state much. As angry as I am at the way he treated me and how he hasn't once apologised since breaking up with me and today denied that my heart's broken (it's not for him to decide, it's my heart?!) - the anger isn't my PREDOMINANT emotion about the whole thing.

 

More than anything I am sad and disappointed and confused. I'm sad more than anything though. I'm just heartbroken really.

 

Can anybody offer anything? Pearls of wisdom? Similar stories (from either end - dumper/dumpee/etc)? Anything

[JewelD]

Keep things in perspective. He's showing you who he is relatively early. You're sad because you wanted a relationship with the person you THOUGHT he was. It's so easy to idolize people and trump up their good traits and play down the bad ones. But this is not a realistic vision of the person. If he was really was that sweet kind guy, you would not be in this situation.

 

Everyone seems nice when you first meet, it takes time to truly get to know the real person they are. I thought my x was perfect. He was the first guy to treat me well, let me meet his parents, take me on dates, bring me around his friends, etc. Within 3 years, I found out he was addicted to porn, was a habitual liar, cheated and talked to any female who would give him attention, extremely cheap and selfish, unorganized, violent and very irresponsible.

 

Everyone has their good qualities, but do they outweigh the bad? Being with someone who has mental issues like that is definitely going to be difficult, but when he doesn't even want to allow you to try, it's a no go.

 

and it makes us feel like crap, like we're not good enough when all we wanted was to be there for them and love them.

 

But realistically, you're holding onto someone with some serious issues. I doubt anyone is going to want him or enjoy a good life with him if that's how he acts. He should be holding onto YOU.

 

My ex had some serious undiagnosed mental illness, but he was so convinced he could work them out himself. I was always there for him, encouraging him, the only one he really talked about but he dumped me anyway. and seems to think he'll find someone more compatible to be with soon.

 

But in reality, nobody's going to want a dude with major issues. Not for long.

 

Just stay NC. the anger phase will eventually come and then it will go and then it will come again. its a bit better than being sad. Just try to get through one day at a time and remember that there is something bright at the end of this dark time.

[barefoot99]

Keep things in perspective. He's showing you who he is relatively early. You're sad because you wanted a relationship with the person you THOUGHT he was. It's so easy to idolize people and trump up their good traits and play down the bad ones. But this is not a realistic vision of the person. If he was really was that sweet kind guy, you would not be in this situation.

 

Everyone seems nice when you first meet, it takes time to truly get to know the real person they are. I thought my x was perfect. He was the first guy to treat me well, let me meet his parents, take me on dates, bring me around his friends, etc. Within 3 years, I found out he was addicted to porn, was a habitual liar, cheated and talked to any female who would give him attention, extremely cheap and selfish, unorganized, violent and very irresponsible.

 

Everyone has their good qualities, but do they outweigh the bad? Being with someone who has mental issues like that is definitely going to be difficult, but when he doesn't even want to allow you to try, it's a no go.

 

and it makes us feel like crap, like we're not good enough when all we wanted was to be there for them and love them.

 

But realistically, you're holding onto someone with some serious issues. I doubt anyone is going to want him or enjoy a good life with him if that's how he acts. He should be holding onto YOU.

 

My ex had some serious undiagnosed mental illness, but he was so convinced he could work them out himself. I was always there for him, encouraging him, the only one he really talked about but he dumped me anyway. and seems to think he'll find someone more compatible to be with soon.

 

But in reality, nobody's going to want a dude with major issues. Not for long.

 

Just stay NC. the anger phase will eventually come and then it will go and then it will come again. its a bit better than being sad. Just try to get through one day at a time and remember that there is something bright at the end of this dark time.

 

The thing is I've been through heartbreak before (much worse than this) so I do know that naturally I will move on in time if we aren't meant to be together, but right now I just want us to be how we were when we were happy. My last glimmer of hope just now is that he does say he wants to meet (when asked about it today) when I move back, so I keep thinking that maybe finally seeing me in person (we haven't seen each other in over 3 months) will rekindle something in him - maybe it will awaken some of his feelings about me?

 

Is it really so naive of me to think this way and hope so much?

 

Part of me says 'yes, very naive. The last time you hoped this much, you fell deeper into a mess and eventually you had to move on and never ended up with that guy - this is how it pans out all the time so cut your losses now'.. and another part of me says 'no, it's not too naive. Couples have breaks and issues like this all over the world all the time and then get back together and stronger... why can't I have that happy ending too?'

 

I'm just torn between a) holding on and being patient and seeing if things change when I move back in 6 weeks or b) just putting an end to it now, not giving it any chance, going cold turkey/strict NC until I'm over everything.

 

Thank you for sharing your story - I'm sorry you've been through the pain of a negative and hurtful relationship *hugs* I wish heartbreak didn't exist, but if it must.. it should just be capped at a total of 'ONE' in life. Once is more than enough. I hope you are in a better place now.

[StalwartMind]

Hi barefoot99,

 

You have nothing to apologize for and your story is as welcome as the rest. No matter what our experiences may have in common, there will always be differences that makes each unique. I would have difficulties to consider a relationship healthy if I had no contact to my partner for 10 weeks. Granted due to my personality type, I am one that thrives of the well being of others. Communication is vital and everyone can learn to get better at it.

 

It can be difficult for some to understand and even believe, but I do not wish anyone to go through hardship such as a broken heart. Unfortunately as long as there are humans and we form relationships with each other, disappointment and intense emotional pain will exist too. That said and while this truth can be discouraging, we must also remember that the very opposite happens all the time too. I do know that it can be difficult to remind oneself of this, but if you posses the ability to believe in common sense, then you are capable of finding peace and love.

 

There is no doubt some, perhaps many would call you naive for hoping that you two will reconnect again. In most cases like this one it is perhaps the end result, but don't let that deter you from believing it can happen. As you said yourself, couples do have breaks and get back together and why couldn't this happen to you. No one in this life knows what will happen tomorrow, but most love to claim the title of being right and almost none willing to take the responsibility when they are wrong. There's nothing bad about being wrong, hopefully everyone learns something from it.

 

I do believe that JewelD touched a lot of sensible and correct thoughts, at least concerned to the global mass of humanity. Many would see someone with personal issues of this order, to be a recipe for disaster. It can be and perhaps indeed in most cases it is. As always it depends on the exact individuals involved, someone with the right support and help, can overcome their struggles. The "sucking" thing about life is that there simply just are no guarantees when it comes to other people. Everything is in a sense a gamble, some which I'll grant you have much better odds than others.

 

I can't fault you for wanting to believe in him or wanting to love him. I do however know that it is beneficial to keep ones hope somewhat in check. This shouldn't complicate or hold back any of the passion you are willing to give, but more like make yourself be better at containing your enthusiasm and excitement levels. There's nothing more attractive than a person being so enthralled with whatever makes their mind go into over gear and almost accelerate out of control. Embrace your feelings and don't let any relationship or person change your desire for what you believe will make you happy. It would be fantastic if this guy would wake up, that you would rekindle, but prepare yourself that it simply may not happen.

 

As some last words, heartbreaks are terrible, but in a peculiar way any heart break is also a strengthening of your heart. Yes those who've experienced nothing but misery will not agree, but even they have hope. I say it strengthens your heart because you learn all the things you do not like in a relationship. Ideally we should end up with someone who appreciates us and is willing to constantly develop the relationship. By all means this experience is very satisfying but it also requires effort, that due to various reasons some may struggle with doing. Don't lose hope in yourself or him or anyone else who may enter your life and grant you wisdom or inspiration that will help you to wherever you need to be. Whatever happens will happen, but having a positive attitude will any day beat that of someone who is filled with dark negative energy. I see positive in you and in adversity, that is encouraging to see in someone else. I sincerely wish you the best, and stay strong no matter the end outcome.

 

Lots of warm regards and hugs!

[JewelD]

The thing is I've been through heartbreak before (much worse than this) so I do know that naturally I will move on in time if we aren't meant to be together, but right now I just want us to be how we were when we were happy. My last glimmer of hope just now is that he does say he wants to meet (when asked about it today) when I move back, so I keep thinking that maybe finally seeing me in person (we haven't seen each other in over 3 months) will rekindle something in him - maybe it will awaken some of his feelings about me?

 

Is it really so naive of me to think this way and hope so much?

 

Part of me says 'yes, very naive. The last time you hoped this much, you fell deeper into a mess and eventually you had to move on and never ended up with that guy - this is how it pans out all the time so cut your losses now'.. and another part of me says 'no, it's not too naive. Couples have breaks and issues like this all over the world all the time and then get back together and stronger... why can't I have that happy ending too?'

 

I'm just torn between a) holding on and being patient and seeing if things change when I move back in 6 weeks or b) just putting an end to it now, not giving it any chance, going cold turkey/strict NC until I'm over everything.

 

Thank you for sharing your story - I'm sorry you've been through the pain of a negative and hurtful relationship *hugs* I wish heartbreak didn't exist, but if it must.. it should just be capped at a total of 'ONE' in life. Once is more than enough. I hope you are in a better place now.

 

I'm actually in a similar place as you. Torn between letting go and holding on. To be honest, everybody, people on here, family members, friends, have their own experiences and will give you advice that makes sense. But our emotions don't always make sense.

 

and you have to do what you think is right. Most people will say, don't hold onto this person, let them go, but it's your life. They don't have to deal with the pain or the consequences. You do. And you also don't want to live wondering.

 

You don't know if it's a mistake or not until you do it. I've made some bad decisions about people and ended up hurt. But if I hadn't made those decisions, I wouldn't have learned anything.

 

I've also went out on a limb for people just so I could say I tried. and sometimes it was successful and I was glad I didn't listen to what everyone else told me.

 

Now, you definitely don't want to keep putting yourself out there and getting tortured, but if you truly feel that this relationship can be salvaged and you want to try, you should follow your heart. Just be prepared for what may happen afterwards, good or bad.

[Laurenhergensen]

Wow... You want honesty? In my opinion, this guys is full of crap.

 

I don´t think you should be the one to feel like crap, he´s the one with the problem. It´s definitely not your fault, i mean, in what kind of relationship you don´t speak to each other for 10 weeks. Is crazy. And the worst part is that despite the fact that he was having those attacks, you were there for him, that speaks highly of you.

 

So, in my opinion, maybe you just idealized this guys too much and he was not what you thought. He´s obviously really unstable, and telling you that you were annoying.. WTF...

 

Trust me, you´re not losing anything by letting this guy go, you´re actually winning.