Missm86 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 hi there. I'm feeling incredibly stupid, frustrated and peed off at myself at the moment. I was dating a man for a month or so 2 years ago from online, and he disappeared because he thought I was rude for not wanting to maintain a prearranged date (miscommunication on both parts). Anyway, a few weeks ago I received a message from him online again. He came to visit me that evening, and it was like picking up where we left off. Lots of banter and fun. I rarely feel excited by someone and I was determined to make it work. We agreed to meet up again when I got back from holiday. He was never great at texting and I got a bit frustrated at times. I returned from holiday and invited him round for dinner and tv (big massive naive stupid ass mistake I realise now). I was not going to sleep with him as I wanted to take things slow. We were cuddling and kissing throughout the evening. He did ask twice what time I had to get up the next day, but again this went over my head. I told him I would love him to stay but it's a bit soon. He said he wasn't staying anyway as he had work to do next day. He went home soon afterwards and I thought it was a perfect night. But guess what, low and behold he's not replied to my texts and I feel even more foolish for chasing him! I'm peed off at myself for not knowing how I came across and thinking it was ok to have a cosy night in. Harmless but so naive!! Now he's gone because he had expectations of the night in that I had suggested. But on the other hand, maybe I've saved myself the hurt in the future? I was hoping things would progress for us, but now it's nothing. I was so excited about him but it seems at nearly 30 years old, I know nothing about men and dating. I dislike myself right about now. Any help?
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 If you think sleeping with him would have kept him around. you are mistaken. Sleep with a man under your own terms, never ever to keep a man around or please him. He was an @ss but no dishes have been broken, you'll be fine. He's not the only man available to date. 8
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 hi there. I'm feeling incredibly stupid, frustrated and peed off at myself at the moment. I was dating a man for a month or so 2 years ago from online, and he disappeared because he thought I was rude for not wanting to maintain a prearranged date (miscommunication on both parts). Anyway, a few weeks ago I received a message from him online again. He came to visit me that evening, and it was like picking up where we left off. Lots of banter and fun. I rarely feel excited by someone and I was determined to make it work. We agreed to meet up again when I got back from holiday. He was never great at texting and I got a bit frustrated at times. I returned from holiday and invited him round for dinner and tv (big massive naive stupid ass mistake I realise now). I was not going to sleep with him as I wanted to take things slow. We were cuddling and kissing throughout the evening. He did ask twice what time I had to get up the next day, but again this went over my head. I told him I would love him to stay but it's a bit soon. He said he wasn't staying anyway as he had work to do next day. He went home soon afterwards and I thought it was a perfect night. But guess what, low and behold he's not replied to my texts and I feel even more foolish for chasing him! I'm peed off at myself for not knowing how I came across and thinking it was ok to have a cosy night in. Harmless but so naive!! Now he's gone because he had expectations of the night in that I had suggested. But on the other hand, maybe I've saved myself the hurt in the future? I was hoping things would progress for us, but now it's nothing. I was so excited about him but it seems at nearly 30 years old, I know nothing about men and dating. I dislike myself right about now. Any help? Dont' beat yourself up. You made a mistake. The only way to recover from a mistake is to not do it again. Learn from it. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice . . . Set "rules" for yourself and don't deviate from them. No matter who you date, you keep your dates public for at the very least a few dates. Make sure the two of you are on the same page about what your dating goals are, i.e. you want a long-term relationship, you make sure they date you that way. They establish consistent/quality communication, the date you consistently, they are not overly sexual, etc. And, don't have sex with them until there is some level of trust. If you're not on the same page in terms of goals, you move on right then and there. It's also best if you can get them to state what their goals are first because if you tell them first and they are a player, whatever, less than honorable intentions, they may simply tell you what you want to hear. If it doesn't happen that way, that's where your dating and observation skills come in. If they say they are looking for a relationship, you observe whether they date you that way for a while. Even if it's someone you knew before, you start from ground zero. Proper and established dating pattern.
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 OOPS, I misread your post I'm used to reading about ONS's and guys ditching women Anyway, my advice about establishing ground rules for yourself and dating goals still applies! 1
pteromom Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 The only mistake was inviting him to your place. You made the CORRECT choice not to sleep with him. If he is going to ditch you for that, you are better off without him. Honestly, it doesn't sound like a big loss anyway. Find someone who communicates with you and texts back and doesn't disappear over easily solved situations. 8
Gary S Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) It's not necessarily bad to invite a guy for dinner at your place for date two. It's not an invite for sex unless you say it is. Nothing is ever going to happen until the lady is ready. If he does not know the dating rules, too bad so sad! You did nothing wrong - 1st or second dates are too early for sex. Average is more like 3 - 5 dates (ever hear of the 3rd date rule? - it's not a rule, just an average. As a matter of fact, you can wait as long as you want, some wait until marriage. Edited June 18, 2015 by Gary S 4
misspond Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 You didn't make a mistake. He did. Not all horny people get that you'd like to know them better. Not all cautious people understand that sometimes people just want sex. Ce la vie. 4
mystikmind2005 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Even if you had told him directly "lets go to my place for sex" .... it is still your right to change your mind if you don't feel ready.... Any decent guy knows this and respects this and will not be put off by this. Possibly there is a part of the OP that simply wanted to get some action, and that is the part that is disappointed? Ok that i can understand, but my feeling is that sleeping with that particular guy would be the greater regret in this case. 1
h0000 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 don't sleep with him, he ditches you on the first day. sleep with him, he ditches you on the second day 2
Toodaloo Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 The only mistake you have made is to give a damn about what this guy thinks... Chin up chook. Don't bother with blokes like this. They really are not worth it... 3
Jethro Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 don't sleep with him, he ditches you on the first day. sleep with him, he ditches you on the second day Exactly, what's the difference? If he really had a spark with you he wouldn't have disappeared. Some guys just want sex and some want sex and a relationship. Who knows what category this guy fell in and who cares, if he disappeared then he's not worth either.
mercuryshadow Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I imagine you would have had the same result even if you HAD slept with him ( and imagine how much worse that would feel). Despite unintentionally giving off the wrong impression, you were very, very smart. For the future, it's wise to avoid early- on dates that involve "staying in".
guest569 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 No harm done, forget about him. Definitely don't blame yourself! I don't see how you have done anything wrong. 1
spiderowl Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 The guy was just after sex. If he really cared about you, he would have kept coming back to see you until you both naturally ended up sleeping together. If he gave up easily, he wasn't that bothered about you. A guy that is fascinated by you won't be able to walk away that easily.
Methodical Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I understand how wires may have gotten crossed (tho presumptuous on his part), but refusing to return a text message, etc., tells me he was after one thing and only one thing. You def. did right by NOT sleeping with him. Don't beat yourself up. Lesson learned.
travelbug1996 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I don't understand why you're blaming yourself. He was an ass for expecting sex just because you invited him over. Be glad he's gone and please block his number. 5
Diana Bol Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 If someone invites you over for dinner and tv, then sex is assumed. It's your fault for not thinking before acting. Next time only invite someone if you plan on having sex with them. In his mind you rejected him. He thought sex was a sure thing so when you said no, he assumed he messed up. He thinks you didn't like him. Do everyone a favor and never message him again.
guest569 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 If someone invites you over for dinner and tv, then sex is assumed. It's your fault for not thinking before acting. Next time only invite someone if you plan on having sex with them. In his mind you rejected him. He thought sex was a sure thing so when you said no, he assumed he messed up. He thinks you didn't like him. Do everyone a favor and never message him again. No, sex is never a sure thing. What a rapey viewpoint. Sex is sex, dinner is dinner. 5
autumnnight Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 If someone invites you over for dinner and tv, then sex is assumed. It's your fault for not thinking before acting. Next time only invite someone if you plan on having sex with them. In his mind you rejected him. He thought sex was a sure thing so when you said no, he assumed he messed up. He thinks you didn't like him. Do everyone a favor and never message him again. This is ridiculous. The idea that she owes him sex because she invited him over for dinner? No good man with any respect or maturity would make this assumption and then pitch a tantrum because he didn't get any. OP, you dodged a bullet. That guy is probably on some forum right now whining about women anyway. 1
Perrier Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) "QUOTE" he disappeared because he thought I was rude for not wanting to maintain a prearranged date He was never great at texting and I got a bit frustrated at times. He said he wasn't staying anyway as he had work to do next day low and behold he's not replied to my texts and I feel even more foolish for chasing him! I was hoping things would progress for us, but now it's nothing. I dislike myself right about now"QUOTE OP you are trying too hard. Was there really nobody else you could have dated in the meantime? @ Diana Bol - no, sex is not a sure thing. I agree with autumnnight that this is a ridiculous stance because you invite someone to dinner. Only low class people think like that. Edited June 22, 2015 by Perrier
lovexocoach Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Sounds like he's looking for sex. Sounds like you're looking for something called a relationship. You set your boundaries about having sex - that is, when you're comfortable with it. If he can't respect that then it's time to move on and find a guy who can. You didn't make a mistake about not having sex with him. How would you have felt if you had sex with him and then he disappeared? Probably would have been better to meet at a restaurant so he didn't have any preconceived ideas about what could happen. No need to chase him. You've texted him. That's all you need to do. If he doesn't reply move on. Good luck!
DatingDirection Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 You saved your self dignity, time and self respect, although sex is beyond amazing when you feel strong chemistry with another, all the above things i mentioned are more important than 1 hour of fun.
Vintage79 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 No harm done, forget about him. Definitely don't blame yourself! I don't see how you have done anything wrong. Well - for starters she was (unintentionally) communicating something different than what she wanted to do, she came across as a prude given her invitations, miscommunicated with him, amongst a variety of other things - she didn't plenty wrong. Truthfully, she probably deserves to lose that guy...pretending that she did everything right is to her detriment, as she'll keep doing the same things that obviously translate into failure...
autumnnight Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 On what planet, really now, is "come over and I will cook" automatic code for "we're getting naked"? 1
Vintage79 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 On what planet, really now, is "come over and I will cook" automatic code for "we're getting naked"? I never said that dinner = "get naked" - but she did invite him over for food/movies/whatever on a date where it is not unusual for "getting naked" and then make out with him during the entire movie...that seems like a lot of signalling in one direction, even if unintentional. She needed to communicate along the way what her expectations were at least if they were different than what she was saying, which was basically, "everything is a go". As such, shutting things down pretty quick communicates the opposite of her actions, makes the guy think she's a tease/prude/crazy/inconsistent/whatever, and after just a couple of dates, that's a big red flag... I'm not sure why everyone is trying to justify inconsistent, poor communication as acceptable behavior that should be embraced by the guy with open arms...in my view she deserved to be rejected and simply has to learn how to communicate better when dating and be aware of what she may be unintentionally communicating - it's not like she was 15 anymore...believe it or not, guys do have standards.
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