Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Yup, that's exactly what I need to do. Do these serial dater tend to lie about their dating motives--"I'm looking for someone to settle down with" while fact is they are not. Or will they straight up say "I'm looking for someone to have fun with"? Part of me didn't want to talk about the dating goal, more because I just came out of an 8 years relationship beginning of this year. I am looking for a long term relationship and settle down, but I don't want to get questioned on this whole "rebound" inquisition. I am very sure I'm not on rebound mode so I'm taking things slowly, but I don't like being questioned because it hasn't been that long. Thanks Redhead14, appreciated all your responses! Yeah, they could lie, which is one reason to not tell them your goal first, so they can't just tell you what you want to here. And, they could just "anticipate" what you want and lie anyway. But that is when the dating and observation skills come in. You have to pay attention to the WAY they date you for a bit. If they don't date you properly, then you start to have a better idea of whether they are lying or not.
Gary S Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Read my last post and Gaeta's posts - it's not going anywhere with him, and probably never will, sorry.
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Yeah, they could lie, which is one reason to not tell them your goal first, so they can't just tell you what you want to here. And, they could just "anticipate" what you want and lie anyway. But that is when the dating and observation skills come in. You have to pay attention to the WAY they date you for a bit. If they don't date you properly, then you start to have a better idea of whether they are lying or not. That's a good tip. I'll just listen. I'll see if we end up setting up another date first. We have been communicating a little less since that last awkward date. I did really like him in the beginning and enjoyed his company. But with all these awkward moments last time--before you mentioned that last point of serial dater's traits, I thought he was too stressed out that day that's why he acted funny... Really wonder why these people want someone to look at them like a crappy person.......
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Read my last post and Gaeta's posts - it's not going anywhere with him, and probably never will, sorry. That's how I feel the past few days Gary S! Actually, after having that awkward date last time I was thinking about that on my end; But I told myself I shouldn't judge since we had some pretty good time together prior to that, and he seem pretty sincere to talk to me every day prior to that--gotta give him credit for the patience and persistence. Was even considering telling him we should stay friends if the next date came out all weird again.
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 That's a good tip. I'll just listen. I'll see if we end up setting up another date first. We have been communicating a little less since that last awkward date. I did really like him in the beginning and enjoyed his company. But with all these awkward moments last time--before you mentioned that last point of serial dater's traits, I thought he was too stressed out that day that's why he acted funny... Really wonder why these people want someone to look at them like a crappy person....... Well, sometimes they get "down the road a piece" with a woman and don't really want a relationship but they liked her enough to keep going out. But at some point, they realize she's really nice and it seems to them she wants more but can't break it off with her, so they start painting themselves in a bad light so she moves on herself It's not always a serial dater who will do that.
misspond Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 That's how I feel the past few days Gary S! Actually, after having that awkward date last time I was thinking about that on my end; But I told myself I shouldn't judge since we had some pretty good time together prior to that, and he seem pretty sincere to talk to me every day prior to that--gotta give him credit for the patience and persistence. Was even considering telling him we should stay friends if the next date came out all weird again. He's not dating, or even serial dating. He's "collecting" to make himself feel good. Don't even try to work out why he's doing what he's doing. To elaborate. I was "seeing" a man like this earlier this year. We had so much to talk about it wasn't true, we had so many interests and thoughts in common. When we got "intimate" (I'm not even going to go into this bit) he would talk about what he was looking for in a woman and talk about how he loved what his parents had together. After four dates together - hours of talking and laughs - I asked him if we were on the same page. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship - which I had known all along (the gut speaks loudly) - but I had to make him say so out loud in order to move away. Don't stay friends. NC all the way. 1
HereNorThere Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Any guy who sticks around for two months without "making out" is not a player. A player would have dumped you a while back. Is there a chance that he's just not that into you? Sure, but he probably wouldn't continue to set up dates with you if he wasn't. I mean, what would be his motive? It's not like he's in it for the sex because there is no sex. Is there a chance he's commitaphobe? Sure, but it's still way too early to tell. I think the issue here is that you simply aren't discussing anything of relevance with him. If you want to know if he is interested in pursuing a long-term relationship, just freakin ask him already. You don't have to ask him to commit, just ask him what he is interested in. If you don't like his answer, don't go back out with him. It's super unfair to keep judging this guy when by all accounts, he's actually been pretty decent to you. It's obvious that you haven't been dating for a while, but I can assure you that most people are not going to be as considerate as this guy is being. If you think this is bad, you are in a for a rude, rude awakening. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I doubt this man is a serial dater or a womanizer. These types will not be emotional or be too persistent. They are very smooth and collected at all times. There isn't any awkwardness ever. They have too much experience and know how to make a date good. That is the reason they control the conversation and focus on themselves. They talk about the thing they know and love best
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Well, sometimes they get "down the road a piece" with a woman and don't really want a relationship but they liked her enough to keep going out. But at some point, they realize she's really nice and it seems to them she wants more but can't break it off with her, so they start painting themselves in a bad light so she moves on herself It's not always a serial dater who will do that. wow.... haha I guess I'm honored to be that "nice person" that some player find attracted to? If eventually I prove my point that he is a serial dater Just got very interested since my background is in psychology, I find this behavior very intriguing.
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Any guy who sticks around for two months without "making out" is not a player. A player would have dumped you a while back. Is there a chance that he's just not that into you? Sure, but he probably wouldn't continue to set up dates with you if he wasn't. I mean, what would be his motive? It's not like he's in it for the sex because there is no sex. Is there a chance he's commitaphobe? Sure, but it's still way too early to tell. I think the issue here is that you simply aren't discussing anything of relevance with him. If you want to know if he is interested in pursuing a long-term relationship, just freakin ask him already. You don't have to ask him to commit, just ask him what he is interested in. If you don't like his answer, don't go back out with him. It's super unfair to keep judging this guy when by all accounts, he's actually been pretty decent to you. It's obvious that you haven't been dating for a while, but I can assure you that most people are not going to be as considerate as this guy is being. If you think this is bad, you are in a for a rude, rude awakening. I agree with you HereNorThere. That is exactly why I'm very confused. This person fits in all the categories of a "great man", but on the other hand showed a lot of traces of a serial dater. It is not fair for me to make these assumptions, you are right and I'm trying not to. But I just hope there are more hints and traces for me, just want to be cautious and keep myself safe.
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) I doubt this man is a serial dater or a womanizer. These types will not be emotional or be too persistent. They are very smooth and collected at all times. There isn't any awkwardness ever. They have too much experience and know how to make a date good. That is the reason they control the conversation and focus on themselves. They talk about the thing they know and love best Which is actually kind of true. Most of our conversation are what HE likes to talk about. He asked me some questions on the first date, but the next few times we met up, most of the conversation are topics he brought up. When I bring up something, he'll ask some questions, but doesn't stay on the topic. Plus that one conversation we had before, when he mentioned he likes me so much but needs to "figure out" if we are dating (he sounds completely sincere when saying it), that's very vague. The first few times, all conversation were great (I do enjoy listening to him), but then it comes the self-trashing conversation last time that makes him totally not himself, which makes me really confused. Edited June 18, 2015 by mapleleaves
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I doubt this man is a serial dater or a womanizer. These types will not be emotional or be too persistent. They are very smooth and collected at all times. There isn't any awkwardness ever. They have too much experience and know how to make a date good. That is the reason they control the conversation and focus on themselves. They talk about the thing they know and love best I don't mean to follow you in every thread to disagree with you but I beg to differ lol There are all kinds of players and some will play the emotional card if they judge that will work on you. RE: Remember my depressed guy? Oh he played the emotional card. He talked about his chronic kidney disease, he got all chocked up talking about his dysfunctional relationship with his father, then got all emotional about suffering from depression. It was probably all made up. He was trying to create a fake bond through fake confidence. He knows women are highly sensitive and we'll feel all mushy when a man confines in us. There's a little nurse inside all of us who wants to protect and take care of the broken ones.
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 wow.... haha I guess I'm honored to be that "nice person" that some player find attracted to? If eventually I prove my point that he is a serial dater Just got very interested since my background is in psychology, I find this behavior very intriguing. I doubt you will prove he is a serial dater or a player. If you look at my last post, you will see that he does not fit enough of the profile features of a serial dater nor does he have the demeanor of a serial dater. We really cannot make a determination about what is actually going on with him without a full history accounting regarding family history, background, relationship history with family members and dating partners including how and why those ended. We can't build a profile based on the information you have. It would also be useful to know who it was that passed away and what the circumstances were. If he had any role in the care of that person or he in some way felt responsible for that person or witnessed a traumatic end for that person, that could affect his ability to form attachments. He may have an attachment disorder or related issue.
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) I don't mean to follow you in every thread to disagree with you but I beg to differ lol There are all kinds of players and some will play the emotional card if they judge that will work on you. RE: Remember my depressed guy? Oh he played the emotional card. He talked about his chronic kidney disease, he got all chocked up talking about his dysfunctional relationship with his father, then got all emotional about suffering from depression. It was probably all made up. He was trying to create a fake bond through fake confidence. He knows women are highly sensitive and we'll feel all mushy when a man confines in us. There's a little nurse inside all of us who wants to protect and take care of the broken ones. Men who do what you think this guy was doing was not a player. He more likely was telling the truth and was histrionic, or had ganser syndrome. If he was lying or not, putting all that out there was for personal gain, i.e to get into your pants. People with ganser syndrome will use these kinds of things for personal or financial gain. And is a different "animal" than a player. This one had a psychological disorder. Being a player is a conscious lifestyle choice. A player is too full of himself to want a nurse or anyone to take care of him. They don't really want a woman to become attached anyway and won't do things with them that bond them. They won't cuddle you, they hit and run every time they are sexual with the woman. Meaning, they'll have sex with the same woman a number of times, but each time they don't stick around for pleasantries, they gotta get home for some reason or another.They are not depressed and if they are, they will hide it because they know it's not attractive. A player will only start trying to make himself less attractive to the dating partner when he has made his conquest or tired of trying to conquer. He will not do this during the "courting" phase. And, you've said he probably made it up? Does that mean you have no empirical evidence to support that premise? I mean, did you not get to the point of knowing or meeting anyone he knows. You probably didn't get that far because if he was doing all this early, it would have at least turned you off and you bailed Edited June 18, 2015 by Redhead14
joseb Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 but one of those men out there who's constantly dating multiple women simultaneously Sorry to be pedantic, but this would be a parallel dater. A serial dater would date one after another. Anyway, from your description he does not sound like a player to me - I can;t imagine a player hanging around for 2 months like that without making a move. Just talk with him about what you are looking for. That is if you are actually interested in a relationship with him. 3
Author mapleleaves Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) Thanks for all the responses and feedbacks guys! Again I'm not trying to analyze or asking anyone to analyze this person I'm seeing. I'm just trying to spot some characteristics of a serial dater for my own references. i agree I don't think he's a player. But I have some doubts. One of my girl friends have dated a serial dater before. My friend's serial dater date is one of those who isn't interested sexual relationship, he just enjoy the wonderful honeymoon phase of dating. They go on dates, had a lot of fun, spend about 2~3 months dating, then poof, he disappeared without a word. She doesn't know any of his friends, she can't find him anywhere. This girl give me a lists of why she think this man I'm seeing a serial dater: 1. He's 45+ and never married, educated and successful, loves talking about his success. Well dressed, and good at sweet talking. But he's single for a long time--although when he talks, he mentioned A LOT of girls he dated. 2. He doesn't talk about past relationships, even if he does it's a light brush on the topic and stray away. 3. He is constantly going to singles meetup events year after year but never found anyone (???) I asked him why he's always at meetups, he claim to be "making friends".... And instead of "making friends," he asked me out. 4. He rather stay out late on a weekday, but never meet on weekends. But he always talk about meeting his "friends" or just stay at home on weekends. 5. He's never interested at meeting my friends or invite me to meet his friends, he never even mentioned the names of his friends (it's normal that we slip our BFF's names in the convo, he never did) although he constantly talk about them. Thus I know nothing about his social circle. 6. He's always out and about, he knows all the most trendy bars, restaurants in town. He said he "catch up" with friends in these hipster places, but then he mentioned how he doesn't have friends to hang out with because they are all married with kids, and that's why he goes to meetups. 7. He never defines our "relationship," he tells me how much he likes me, but is always "figuring it out." (words from his mouth) 8. And now he started trash talking himself. Completely opposite of all my previous impression of him all of sudden. But again, we did have a 2 month of talking and flirting back and forth, intimate and fun dates--I give him a lot of credit on that. From my friend's experience, 2 months is a good enough time for serial daters, thus he's preparing his exit with trash talking of himself. I'm hoping this is not the case, but the more I think about it the less confident I have. Sorry it's a lot of rambling here Edited June 19, 2015 by mapleleaves
msat Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 ^ After reading your latest msg, all I can say is run for the hills!
minime13 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I'm going to go against the grain here and offer up a different possibility. I really don't know that it's fair to label him as much of anything after 4 dates. However, you met in mid-April, talked a while and had a few dates in May, then the momentum just stalled because you each had vacations that put a 3 week hiatus on everything. Now, when you should be getting to know each other better and figuring out if you have the same relationship goals, you're having to stumble around and try to find that momentum, and it's just not taking. Bad timing is what I would say is to blame, essentially. When you first start dating someone, not seeing each other enough is all it can take to make it fizzle. You want to carry on any connection or spark you may have onto the next date and, frankly, that connection and spark momentum just isn't going to hold for three weeks. Maybe you can give it one more date to see if you can get back on course, but maybe it's gone. I don't know if that would work for you because it seems like you've got some pretty obvious trust issues, such as referring to his business trip and vacation in quotations, and 'so he says' phrasing. You are also picking him apart after 4 dates. That seems a little soon to go into destruct mode, to me, unless there are obvious flags - I don't see any obvious flags. I think you've already made up your mind, though. 2
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Thanks for all the responses and feedbacks guys! Again I'm not trying to analyze or asking anyone to analyze this person I'm seeing. I'm just trying to spot some characteristics of a serial dater for my own references. i agree I don't think he's a player. But I have some doubts. One of my girl friends have dated a serial dater before. My friend's serial dater date is one of those who isn't interested sexual relationship, he just enjoy the wonderful honeymoon phase of dating. They go on dates, had a lot of fun, spend about 2~3 months dating, then poof, he disappeared without a word. She doesn't know any of his friends, she can't find him anywhere. This girl give me a lists of why she think this man I'm seeing a serial dater: 1. He's 45+ and never married, educated and successful, loves talking about his success. Well dressed, and good at sweet talking. But he's single for a long time--although when he talks, he mentioned A LOT of girls he dated. 2. He doesn't talk about past relationships, even if he does it's a light brush on the topic and stray away. 3. He is constantly going to singles meetup events year after year but never found anyone (???) I asked him why he's always at meetups, he claim to be "making friends".... And instead of "making friends," he asked me out. 4. He rather stay out late on a weekday, but never meet on weekends. But he always talk about meeting his "friends" or just stay at home on weekends. 5. He's never interested at meeting my friends or invite me to meet his friends, he never even mentioned the names of his friends (it's normal that we slip our BFF's names in the convo, he never did) although he constantly talk about them. Thus I know nothing about his social circle. 6. He's always out and about, he knows all the most trendy bars, restaurants in town. He said he "catch up" with friends in these hipster places, but then he mentioned how he doesn't have friends to hang out with because they are all married with kids, and that's why he goes to meetups. 7. He never defines our "relationship," he tells me how much he likes me, but is always "figuring it out." (words from his mouth) 8. And now he started trash talking himself. Completely opposite of all my previous impression of him all of sudden. But again, we did have a 2 month of talking and flirting back and forth, intimate and fun dates--I give him a lot of credit on that. From my friend's experience, 2 months is a good enough time for serial daters, thus he's preparing his exit with trash talking of himself. I'm hoping this is not the case, but the more I think about it the less confident I have. Sorry it's a lot of rambling here Lets forget about him for a minute and what do YOU find interesting in dating such a person? Are you out there to casual date or you're looking for a long lasting relationship? If you are hoping to find a boyfriend, someone to settle with, this is not the right prospect.
Emilia Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Sounds to me the two of you don't click. Waste of time.
Author mapleleaves Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Lets forget about him for a minute and what do YOU find interesting in dating such a person? Are you out there to casual date or you're looking for a long lasting relationship? If you are hoping to find a boyfriend, someone to settle with, this is not the right prospect. I am looking for a person to settle, if not at least a long term. I do find this person very attractive and really enjoyed all the times we've been together. Gaeta, what do you find in this person that makes him not a good prospect?
Author mapleleaves Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 I'm going to go against the grain here and offer up a different possibility. I really don't know that it's fair to label him as much of anything after 4 dates. However, you met in mid-April, talked a while and had a few dates in May, then the momentum just stalled because you each had vacations that put a 3 week hiatus on everything. Now, when you should be getting to know each other better and figuring out if you have the same relationship goals, you're having to stumble around and try to find that momentum, and it's just not taking. Bad timing is what I would say is to blame, essentially. When you first start dating someone, not seeing each other enough is all it can take to make it fizzle. You want to carry on any connection or spark you may have onto the next date and, frankly, that connection and spark momentum just isn't going to hold for three weeks. Maybe you can give it one more date to see if you can get back on course, but maybe it's gone. I don't know if that would work for you because it seems like you've got some pretty obvious trust issues, such as referring to his business trip and vacation in quotations, and 'so he says' phrasing. You are also picking him apart after 4 dates. That seems a little soon to go into destruct mode, to me, unless there are obvious flags - I don't see any obvious flags. I think you've already made up your mind, though. This vacationing thing is what I have been hoping! I hope that he has been acting weird on the last time because he's stressed out after coming back from vacationing. I really hope that's something I can find out next time I see him. 1
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Sounds like a lot of hard work after only 4 dates. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Sounds like a lot of hard work after only 4 dates. Well, that's kinda the problem here. It's only been 4 dates, they've been spread out because of vacation, etc. So some of the awkwardness may be about the fact that the "connection" wasn't maintained so each date kinda felt like a first date again. She may be picking it apart "too soon", that's all
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