mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Have a feeling the man I'm seeing is somewhat suspicious. Some friends suggested that he might be a serial dater based on the way he acts... maybe I need to get out asap. Anyone know some patterns or distinct ways of how they are, or know some big red flags to these serial daters? Any tips or sharing of past experience would be great!!
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Have a feeling the man I'm seeing is somewhat suspicious. Some friends suggested that he might be a serial dater based on the way he acts... maybe I need to get out asap. Anyone know some patterns or distinct ways of how they are, or know some big red flags to these serial daters? Any tips or sharing of past experience would be great!! 1) They don't have any interest in hearing anything about you. What you like, what your history is, what your interest are. Conversations are all about him. This is something you'll observe on date 1. 2) He is EXTREMELY charming. Almost to the point of making you sick sometimes 3) He's had a long string of short-term relationships because he doesn't want to maintain them emotionally. 4) He calls you for last minute dates all the time or cancels often and on short notice. 5) When you sleep with him, he rolls over instead of even a little cuddle or leaves as soon as the act is complete. 5) He is somewhat grandiose -- he's gonna make it big some day. 6) After a few dates he starts talking down about himself to begin the process of losing your interest and having you move on without having to actually tell you. 2
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 How long you've been seeing him that it has become a concern?
Gary S Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 What exactly is a cereal dater anyway? I never liked that term. What is this guy doing or not doing, what's the relationship/dating story? 3
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 1) They don't have any interest in hearing anything about you. What you like, what your history is, what your interest are. Conversations are all about him. This is something you'll observe on date 1. 2) He is EXTREMELY charming. Almost to the point of making you sick sometimes 3) He's had a long string of short-term relationships because he doesn't want to maintain them emotionally. 4) He calls you for last minute dates all the time or cancels often and on short notice. 5) When you sleep with him, he rolls over instead of even a little cuddle or leaves as soon as the act is complete. 5) He is somewhat grandiose -- he's gonna make it big some day. 6) After a few dates he starts talking down about himself to begin the process of losing your interest and having you move on without having to actually tell you. 1) We had good conversation on the first date, asked each other questions, he did ask me some questions about myself. But it gets weird at a point where when we talk about favorite books, movies and music and these random stuff, he doesn't have one!--who doesn't have a favorite movie or type of music? 2) Yes, totally mature, charming, intelligent, and sophisticated. 3) We briefly talk about past relationships, he just said something like been on some short and long term relationships, been heartbroken few times, and he had this really sad look when he mentioned it so I didn't ask further. (Now I think about it, maybe I should) 4) We set up dates early enough (2-3 days ahead), but exact location tends to be last minute. 5) Didn't get to that point yet--that's why I'm trying to spot some red flags before anything happens! 6) Grandiose--very well educated person, owns his business, constantly on business trips and multiple projects (I did some internet stalking and browse through his company's website to confirm he does own the business)--does that count? 7) TOTALLY!!! Last date, he started talking about some random girls he dated, how he lost that girl's phone number, and some girl he forgot that he dated, and something about how he wanted to date many girls when he was younger but his parents interrupted, and then he started talking about how he is extremely messy at home....etc. I swear I didn't ask any of these questions--It was VERY awkward. This is getting me more concerned.....
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 How long you've been seeing him that it has become a concern? Been about 2 months? Plus/minus. The third time I saw him, there's a conversation that we had about past relationship and our family. One of his family member passed away a long time ago, and he started crying--I felt extremely guilty for bringing that up even. Then he talked about how he has been heartbroken by some girls a long time ago and he looked like he's about to cry again. I mentioned this convo with some friends and that's where my girl friends think that emotional moments like that on an early date, and avoiding to reveal past relationship seem like a big red flag.
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Been about 2 months? Plus/minus. The third time I saw him, there's a conversation that we had about past relationship and our family. One of his family member passed away a long time ago, and he started crying--I felt extremely guilty for bringing that up even. Then he talked about how he has been heartbroken by some girls a long time ago and he looked like he's about to cry again. I mentioned this convo with some friends and that's where my girl friends think that emotional moments like that on an early date, and avoiding to reveal past relationship seem like a big red flag. Two months is enough for you to address exclusivity if you date on weekly basis and keep in touch almost every day.
PogoStick Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 What exactly is a cereal dater anyway? He only dates tigers, leprechauns and honey bees. 3
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Two months is enough for you to address exclusivity if you date on weekly basis and keep in touch almost every day. Haven't gotten to that point yet. Sounds like something I should do to confirm that he is/is not a serial dater?
Gary S Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Well, if you are looking for red flags at this point, it's probably not going to go anywhere, sorry. You should be going into the honeymoon phase at this point, not still looking for red flags. 2
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Do you makeout? Not exactly. We only dated in public places so far. Had some touchy moments in the dark areas in a bar but not technically "makeout"....
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 1) We had good conversation on the first date, asked each other questions, he did ask me some questions about myself. But it gets weird at a point where when we talk about favorite books, movies and music and these random stuff, he doesn't have one!--who doesn't have a favorite movie or type of music? Eh, that's not a biggie. He's just not into movies and maybe is eclectic about music -- likes a bunch of different types. You should have asked him what he does do for fun or hobbies or life goals and aspirations something like that. 2) Yes, totally mature, charming, intelligent, and sophisticated. Ok, that's just plain charming. The kind I mentioned is over the top. 3) We briefly talk about past relationships, he just said something like been on some short and long term relationships, been heartbroken few times, and he had this really sad look when he mentioned it so I didn't ask further. (Now I think about it, maybe I should) Sure, I would have said, "yeah, I can relate to that. Everyone has been through this. You look sad, will you tell me a little more? 4) We set up dates early enough (2-3 days ahead), but exact location tends to be last minute. How many dates have there been? Has he actually cancelled any? 5) Didn't get to that point yet--that's why I'm trying to spot some red flags before anything happens! 6) Grandiose--very well educated person, owns his business, constantly on business trips and multiple projects (I did some internet stalking and browse through his company's website to confirm he does own the business)--does that count? No, grandiose is bragging and it's over the top. 7) TOTALLY!!! Last date, he started talking about some random girls he dated, how he lost that girl's phone number, and some girl he forgot that he dated, and something about how he wanted to date many girls when he was younger but his parents interrupted, and then he started talking about how he is extremely messy at home....etc. I swear I didn't ask any of these questions--It was VERY awkward. Yeah, that's classic. What # date was this? This is getting me more concerned..... Mapleleaves: I've answered each question in bold above. It's important that during the first or second date, no later than 3rd, that a conversation happens about what each of you is looking for out of your dating experiences. Just in general, your dating goal. If you are not on the same page about that from the get go, you finish the date, thank him and simply say thank you for the nice evening. I don't think we are a good match and part ways. If you get this question answered right away, you aren't doing what you are doing now, at least not very often. On your first or second date, you kind of segue into the subject of dating goals. You say something in a light, casual way like "dating nowaday is kinda hard, don't you agree? What are you looking for out of dating?" And, then let him talk. It's better if you let him say what he's looking for first because if you tell them what you want first, he may just say what he knows you want to hear (this helps weed out these kind of guys). But, if it doesn't go that way, that's where your dating and observations skills come in. If you do like him enough to see him again, you need to observe whether he's actually dating you the way a person would who wants a real relationship. They are dating you properly.
oldshirt Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Unless someone married their Jr high sweetheart from their first moonlight skate at their 7th grade skating party, we are all serial daters. Only about 0.0000000000000001% of the Earth' s population has ever only dated just one person. What does the term serial dater mean to you and what is it specifically that you are concerned about??? 4
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Been about 2 months? Plus/minus. The third time I saw him, there's a conversation that we had about past relationship and our family. One of his family member passed away a long time ago, and he started crying--I felt extremely guilty for bringing that up even. Then he talked about how he has been heartbroken by some girls a long time ago and he looked like he's about to cry again. I mentioned this convo with some friends and that's where my girl friends think that emotional moments like that on an early date, and avoiding to reveal past relationship seem like a big red flag. avoiding to reveal past relationship seem like a big red flag. -- He didn't avoid it. He did tell you. But he didn't gush on. If he started a rant about past girlfriends and trashing them, then I'd be concerned about how he views women. This man is a little too emotional, but it demonstrates emotional availability at least. How long did he cry? Was it just a few tears or was it a "meltdown"?
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Not exactly. We only dated in public places so far. Had some touchy moments in the dark areas in a bar but not technically "makeout".... TWO months of public dating? You must be bored by now and wishing for some actions. How old are you 2? 1
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I'd stop all this wondering and analyzing. Next time you see him, find out what his dating goals are PERIOD. That'll be the end of the wondering. 1
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Mapleleaves: I've answered each question in bold above. It's important that during the first or second date, no later than 3rd, that a conversation happens about what each of you is looking for out of your dating experiences. Just in general, your dating goal. If you are not on the same page about that from the get go, you finish the date, thank him and simply say thank you for the nice evening. I don't think we are a good match and part ways. If you get this question answered right away, you aren't doing what you are doing now, at least not very often. On your first or second date, you kind of segue into the subject of dating goals. You say something in a light, casual way like "dating nowaday is kinda hard, don't you agree? What are you looking for out of dating?" And, then let him talk. It's better if you let him say what he's looking for first because if you tell them what you want first, he may just say what he knows you want to hear (this helps weed out these kind of guys). But, if it doesn't go that way, that's where your dating and observations skills come in. If you do like him enough to see him again, you need to observe whether he's actually dating you the way a person would who wants a real relationship. They are dating you properly. Thanks Redhead14!! Been 4 dates, excluding the first event we met at--so far no cancellation. The second time we met up (that's when he had that emotional moment, which was more of he chocked up and eyes get all teary, I tried giving him a hug to make him feel better so I wasn't sure it those tears really came off. That did went on for about a minute though), he told me that he likes me a lot, but wasn't sure if I'm willing to date him. I replied why do you not think I want to date you? Then he said something like you are young and beautiful (he's about 8-9 years older) and I'm so much older, we'll have to figure it out soon. Then date #4 was that extremely awkward date when he started rambling on weird anecdotes about himself. Mentioning that, here's another red flag triggered that was brought up--we met at a singles mixer/social drinking meetup event. I went with a friend who happened to be an organizer of these events for the group. My friend said for the past few years since he's been involved with this group, this guy shows up to every one of these singles social events, and yet he is STILL single.
misspond Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Been 4 dates, excluding the first event we met at--so far no cancellation. The second time we met up (that's when he had that emotional moment, which was more of he chocked up and eyes get all teary, I tried giving him a hug to make him feel better so I wasn't sure it those tears really came off. That did went on for about a minute though), he told me that he likes me a lot, but wasn't sure if I'm willing to date him. I replied why do you not think I want to date you? Then he said something like you are young and beautiful (he's about 8-9 years older) and I'm so much older, we'll have to figure it out soon. Then date #4 was that extremely awkward date when he started rambling on weird anecdotes about himself. Mentioning that, here's another red flag triggered that was brought up--we met at a singles mixer/social drinking meetup event. I went with a friend who happened to be an organizer of these events for the group. My friend said for the past few years since he's been involved with this group, this guy shows up to every one of these singles social events, and yet he is STILL single. Either carry on or stop things with him. The choice is yours at this point. ***My friend said for the past few years since he's been involved with this group, this guy shows up to every one of these singles social events, and yet he is STILL single*** ^ Points to him being a serial avoider rather than a serial dater.
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Unless someone married their Jr high sweetheart from their first moonlight skate at their 7th grade skating party, we are all serial daters. Only about 0.0000000000000001% of the Earth' s population has ever only dated just one person. What does the term serial dater mean to you and what is it specifically that you are concerned about??? When I say "serial dater" it's more like the "player" or "womanizer" type of man. Doesn't matter if his intention is to sleep with a female or not, but one of those men out there who's constantly dating multiple women simultaneously and not considering a real relationship. They'll date girls for few months, and then just take off (without even saying good-bye). I'm more concerned about whether if I should still go out with this man or not. I don't want to get involved too much further and eventually get hurt. 1
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 FOUR dates in 2 months? Why so few? We met maybe mid-April. We talked for 2 weeks before really start going out,that's like first week of May? he claimed to have a "business trip" last week of April so that held it back. It happened to be Memorial Day weekend in the middle. So he took off for some vacationing (? or dates with other girls?) the week before Memorial Day, I happened to visit some family members out of state and traveled a bit the week of and the week after. So there's the 3 week gap.
Redhead14 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 When I say "serial dater" it's more like the "player" or "womanizer" type of man. Doesn't matter if his intention is to sleep with a female or not, but one of those men out there who's constantly dating multiple women simultaneously and not considering a real relationship. They'll date girls for few months, and then just take off (without even saying good-bye). I'm more concerned about whether if I should still go out with this man or not. I don't want to get involved too much further and eventually get hurt. This is why you need to find out what his dating goal is. The sooner you do this with any dating scenario, the sooner you can move on if necessary and without all this analyzing. Based on what you've said, it's really unclear what his motives are and it doesn't matter if you two aren't on the same page anyway.
Author mapleleaves Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 This is why you need to find out what his dating goal is. The sooner you do this with any dating scenario, the sooner you can move on if necessary and without all this analyzing. Based on what you've said, it's really unclear what his motives are and it doesn't matter if you two aren't on the same page anyway. Yup, that's exactly what I need to do. Do these serial dater tend to lie about their dating motives--"I'm looking for someone to settle down with" while fact is they are not. Or will they straight up say "I'm looking for someone to have fun with"? Part of me didn't want to talk about the dating goal, more because I just came out of an 8 years relationship beginning of this year. I am looking for a long term relationship and settle down, but I don't want to get questioned on this whole "rebound" inquisition. I am very sure I'm not on rebound mode so I'm taking things slowly, but I don't like being questioned because it hasn't been that long. Thanks Redhead14, appreciated all your responses!
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