avsguy01 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Me and my girlfriend have been together for about a year and 2 months. As some of you are probably already familiar with the problems we have had, in case you don't know, our issues always seem to come down mainly to my parents and her not getting along. There's been a few conflicts that have happened over a year, particulary the most recent one where we almost broke up. Although my parents and her arent on the best terms i really do my best to make that not matter. I love her and what my parents think of her dont influence my decision to stay with her. Anyway, last night i came over to see her since i wanted to. I missed her and she was all for me coming over even though she had homework (college homework). So i get there and she seems relieved to see me at first, but immediately her father came in and started talking about future plans with her getting a better car, job, college......typical stuff. So i almost felt out of place last night cause it immediately went from her acknowledging that i was there to her focusing all her attention to her dad. So, then after the talk her dad wanted to take her, her brother and sister out to dinner and of course they invited me. I told my girlfriend i guess i will go, but im not hungry, and she was like your going I was like thats cool. So anyway, on the way to the restuarant my girlfriend really didnt seem as affectionate as she has been for the past few weeks all of a sudden, but i was like whatever she is just in a chill mood. So i just kinda flowed with it. So, we are sitting in the restuarant and she brings up a concert to her dad, and the band that is playing is my dad's favorite band, but he has recently seem them. So i mention "yeah my dad isnt even gonna see them", in a surprising tone. Then my girlfriend immediately responds back in a clear and direct manner, " thats because your dad is a bum." I was like whoa! Inside, it hurt. I immediately had my feelings hurt. She said that right in front of her dad, brother, sister, and pretty much in public. I became definately upset. She could tell something was immediately wrong with me. So instead of just being upset without telling her why i was, I whispered to her, "that upset me." Then she was like, "Soorrrrry" with an attitude and not even looking at me when she said sorry. That made me so mad! So for the rest of the dinner, she pretty much proceded to ignore me. Then the whole ride home she we didnt say anything to each other. (of course we were in the car with her family). But what made me extremely mad is that the entire time since she said that about my dad from dinner to the ride home, and knowing i was upset, she didnt attempt any kind of generous appology. So when we got back to her house, i grabbed my stuff and asked her, " do you have anything to say?" She responded, " youve pretty much killed my attitude." So i was like whatever, and told her good bye and stormed off out of her house. I am so pissed at her! She has no considerations for my feelings whatsoever. She is being really selfish about this. I am not talking to her until she appologizes for what she said. It really hurt what she said, and if she has the decency like the girlfriend i love then she will appologize. If she doesnt then I'm done with her. I am not putting up with that type of ****. A girlfriend of 1 year to say something like that is just not right!
blind_otter Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 I don't really know your story, I can only speak from what you wrote above, and my personal experience, but if she is close with her family they probably all know she doesn't get along with your folks, so it would probably not be weird for them to hear her say that. Are you offended that she said that, or that she said it in front of her support system? My ex/husband's family never approved on me and always hated me. They disliked me for things I had no control over, that my family wasn't religious, that I have tattoos, that we had premarital sex and lived together before we married, then that I converted to buddhism when they are strict christians when I was like 21. My family disliked his family mainly because his family didn't like me and my sisters and parents listened to me vent all the time. My family welcomed him with open arms, his family judged me from the beginning. Would you feel differently and more frustrated if, say, her family hated you?
slubberdegullion Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 While I can appreciate the fact that you're pissed at her - and, from what you've presented here, rightly so - cut her some slack. People do/say things all the time that don't make a lot of sense or even cause some distress to another party. You'd expect the same from her, wouldn't you? If you made some comment that, in retrospect, was maybe not the best thing to say, would you hope that she'd just let it go as a mistake? By all means, tell her that what she said hurt, but it doesn't sound like a deal-breaker to me.
Author avsguy01 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Posted April 29, 2005 yeah your right. I just called her and left a message to let her know that she hurt my feelings last night, and i was really upset and didnt know how to handle her not giving me a generous appology. I said she probably made a slip and it was a mistake. I asked her if she still wanted to go out today since we had plans.
NiCoLe20 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 do you know if its getting closer to that time of month? if she is, then thats probably why she has been having the attitude, and has been a little distant. all girls usually get like this and the littlest things piss them off.... this week hasnt been good wit my b/f either... ive been kind of rude to him and been copping an attitude for no reason. i told him im starting to pms and he understood. i cant help it and i toldhim this. i always seem mad but im just not feeling good... so that canbe why
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Your parents have made it clear to HER that they don't like her. I'm sure she's called her mother crying about it, and her mom probably can't stand your parent's for "Not liking her little girl," and I'm sure her mother went straight to her father and told him all about those "stupid people" who mistreat her little girl. I mean, Who do they think they ARE treating their baby like that? So for you to mention one of those people that they probably can't stand because of how they treat their little girl at a dinner with all of them wasn't very smart. So since she was in front of her parents when you brought up your dad, she self preserved, and said something negative about your dad. I mean, your parents say bad stuff about her all the time...why can't she say something bad about them? I think you're a little silly to expect her to not say bad things about your parents, when they have expressed how much they don't like her. If you don't want her to say something like that, DON'T BRING YOUR PARENTS UP. You mentioned someone that hates her in front of her parents...I think you owe HER an apology.
Fetish 2 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 i dont think she should have said that... even if you thihnk it... u shouldnt say it...not about ur partner's parents and especially not to them...she should respect you and your family more.. irrespective of whether they get along
slubberdegullion Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by NiCoLe20 do you know if its getting closer to that time of month?... PMS or no PMS, that's no excuse to treat the most important people in your life like sh*t. But at least you realize it's your problem and not his. ive been kind of rude to him and been copping an attitude for no reason. That's a good and essential first step.
blind_otter Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion PMS or no PMS, that's no excuse to treat the most important people in your life like sh*t. But at least you realize it's your problem and not his. . That's a good and essential first step. Do you understand how it feels to constantly be judged by people for no apparent reason?
slubberdegullion Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Do you understand how it feels to constantly be judged by people for no apparent reason? I lived with a woman for over a decade who revelled in her PMS, and I put up with her irrational mood swings and wild - sometimes violent - behaviour every month for that entire length of time. Finally I grew some stones and sought professional help for her, but she refused. (She was never wrong, and any issues in the marriage were never her fault.) We've since parted ways and now she's inflicting her own brand of irrationality on some other poor sod. So, yes, I know exactly how it feels to be judged for no apparent reason.
blind_otter Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion I lived with a woman for over a decade who revelled in her PMS, and I put up with her irrational mood swings and wild - sometimes violent - behaviour every month for that entire length of time. Finally I grew some stones and sought professional help for her, but she refused. (She was never wrong, and any issues in the marriage were never her fault.) We've since parted ways and now she's inflicting her own brand of irrationality on some other poor sod. So, yes, I know exactly how it feels to be judged for no apparent reason. Well it might not be PMS that the original poster's girlfriend is suffering from. It might be "dealing with your significant other's parents hating you". I dealt with that in MY failed marriage and it was horrid. Especially if your SO keeps bringing up the fact that his parents hate you and never defends you or tries to draw a line in the sand. My bro-in-law's parents hated my older sister because she is of mixed race (like me, another reason my ex's parents hated me, I think) - and he stopped speaking with his parents for almost 5 years because of it. They finally came around when she had the first grandkid, but at least her hubby stood up for her.
slubberdegullion Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Yes, I agree that you could be absolutely right. I wrote in regards to the comment by NiCoLe20. It is, of course, absolutely up to the SO to stand up for his/her spouse. But unless I miss my guess, there doesn't seem to be a mixed race issue in avsguy01's case. Regardless of the trigger, though, my original intent still stands: Cut her some slack, because you'd (avsguy01) would expect the same from her.
moon Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 In my last relationship my boyfriend's mother was downright kookoo in my opinion. But of course she had family money and lots of nice clothes, a manicure and an expensive foreign car......So in her opinion she could say anything she damn well pleased. She always thought she was right. She'd even put my boyfriend down in front of other people. I always tried to be nice to this woman---but she was a future monster in law. She acted very sweet sometimes and then would come out with these harsh and strong opinions out of nowhere. She was a closet clase. She thought she was really throwing on the charm, when most around her thought she was shrill and abrasive. Anyway, my now ex couldn't really understand my apprehension to hang out with his mom, even though one of his sister's frequently would stop talking to her. Let me just say that it's horrible to not feel that you have a decent relationship with your boyfriend's parents. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I mean you can pick your boyfriend but not his parents. So even though your girlfriend was out of line, I might spend your time more wisely by trying to figure out why she feels this way about your family. Ask her how the situation can be made better. Tell your family to try to get along with your girlfriend. Tell them to do this for you. Unfortunately you are going to be in the place of the middle man here. Your girlfriend is obviously on her last nerve with your family. So....sadly, you might have to try to see her point of view if you want to stay with her. She didn't grow up with your parents. She's an outsider. Ask her to also try to deal with your parents in the best way she can. But understand that not all people like their boyfriend/girlfriend's parents and vice versa. It's very frustrating!!! I never had any real altercations with my exes mom but I thought she was a loon. She was very self-centered and always had to have the spotlight on her and she dressed like she was 25 intead of 55. I thought she made a spectacle of herself....not to mention the drinking. Whoa she could really put 'em back. She called herself a controlled alcoholic--YEAH RIGHT. I didn't grow up with a mother like her so she might as well have been from another planet. I thought she should at least try to act her age more. So anyway, before hating your girlfriend I might really try to get inside of those comments she is making. Figure out what she's driving at. She might just be really hurt by them or something to that affect....although of course she shouldn't be saying those types of things. I just asked my boyfriend a few times if his mother liked me and he always said yeah.....but I doubted that. I could sense her disdain. It hurt my feelings. Good luck.
mental_traveller Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 She shouldn't have embarrassed you by slating your family in front of other people, regardless of how much she hates them. Also giving you attitude for the rest of the evening was way out of line. You better lay down the law, or she will think you are a pushover and things will only get worse. If she doesn't apologise asap, then I'd tell her you aren't speaking to her until she does.
blind_otter Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller She shouldn't have embarrassed you by slating your family in front of other people, regardless of how much she hates them. Also giving you attitude for the rest of the evening was way out of line. You better lay down the law, or she will think you are a pushover and things will only get worse. If she doesn't apologise asap, then I'd tell her you aren't speaking to her until she does. Maybe your family is different, but I am close to my family and I never think of them as "Other People" - they are my friends, my support structure, the people who love me and know me best, and know what's going on in my life and they give me advice as well. So, I think it would be different if she was bitching in front of friends, or at a pub or something -- but at dinner, with her family? What, is she supposed to not talk about this to them for some reason?
tokyo Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Calling his dad a bum is a serious insult, no matter where, when, to whom she said it. And whether the people around her were her family or not doesn't matter, because they are not his family. If he had been dating her for years and her family was like a second family to him, maybe then it would make a difference, but insulting his dad (who might the biggest jerk on earth, but still his dad) is highly inappropiate. Even if his parents hated her, they are his parents and the only sensible thing she should do to avoid hem, insulting them is only hurting her boyfriend's feeling who can't do that much that they are his parents and it's not changing the situation. avsguy01, if your parents attack her for no reason and you don't manage to give her the feeling that you are trying to defend her or protect her somehow, then she very likely will continue to hurt your feelings as a revenge. If she knew you tried your best to settle the situation, then very likey she would care more about your feelings. She doesn't, because she probably thinks you don't care about her feelings either.
Author avsguy01 Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Hey guys im sorry i hadnt got back to ya about this. Things are great with me and girlfriend. That whole thing was based off of me taking it the wrong way. Her meaning of bum was someone that is not social or just kinda lazy in a sociable manner. I did let her know my feelings were hurt and that when she had said that i took it a whole different way. She did appologize. Oh and she has come over twice in the last week and a half to my house (parents house), and has had a great time. We both agree that my parents arent very sociable people. I have much higher expectations and goals in my life then i think my parents ever had at my age. I am also much different from my brother and his girlfriend that lives at the house. They are 27 and still live at home and really dont have much going for them other than just trying to squeeze through in life. My parents are much closer to my brother and his girlfriend than with me and my girlfriend, and vise versa. I definately feel that me and my girlfriend have major potential to have a future together cause we are both goal oriented and seem to be on the same level. It's just pretty obvious that her family is much different from mine and that's what has caused problems in the past. We both realize that we have to live our own life and not worry about what other people think. So anyway things are great with me and my girl. Thanks for all the feedback!
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