Malibu79 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Ok so here's the background on us, we have been dating for 6 years now and been through a lot of ups and downs with family and finance like most of us. A few years back I wasn't making as much as she was and that became a problem. She was having issues with her boss giving her a hard time about everything she was doing out of jealousy by not giving her days off for appointments with the doctor for her kids, unfounded write ups, bogus bad performance reviews etc. So she would come home and lash out at me and basically blame me because I wasn't making enough for her to quit and find a better job. Then she started back to school after leaving that job. She became friends with this one girl from her class and would talk about her all the time saying how great, smart etc. The summer came up and she would spend more time with her than me. She would tell me I made her unhappy and that she enjoyed hanging out with the girl. Now all the while our sex life stopped I moved out because I felt I didn't deserve to be treated bad and watch her laugh and have fun with her friend. I never thought about cheating because I love her and still do. I just figured if she loved me like she claimed she did we would work it out. Over time she ended up not being friends with this girl because she wanted more and my girl didn't want to "play on the same team" Now things eventually worked out financially for me the last few years and we have been getting along great in those regards but our sex life has always been awkward at best. She only has sex with a porn movie on and doesn't really get into the intercourse and only has an orgasm orally. I personally don't care for the porn and just doing the same thing over and over again. It's like we have sex for the release and not the act of reconnecting. Now I'm at a point where I don't want to have sex. We never really had as much as I'd like from the beginning but it was always something going on like family issues or school or the job that was keeping her out the mood. We average about 3 days a month now and I see it getting worst since I'm no longer trying. I don't want to cheat but I don't want to marry her either now. I love her but it's starting to feel more like a real close friend than a lover. I'm not sure where to go from here and I don't know how to bring it up because I don't want to throw her focus off from school.
StalwartMind Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Doesn't sound like a relationship that would turn into a happy marriage. I do like that you love her, but perhaps very right that you do more so as a friend than a lover. Not every relationship ends on bad terms, even if you have greater disagreements. The whole lashing out on others, can quickly become a long chain reaction, where people take it our on someone innocent, and so it keeps going on. I'm certain that it is not always intentional but it's kind of a passive way for ones defense mechanism to let steam out. This may not be the case here, but most have probably witnessed similar. It can be tricky to find the right moment to bring something of importance up, especially when you are considerate and like you said, you do not want to throw her focus off from school. I appreciate that kind of thought, even if people have varied opinions of it. On one hand there could "always" be something in the way, and in that sense there is no good moment ever. Then on the other hand, whenever it is something of significant nature such as this, there really isn't a "right" moment, as emotions will spike high as soon as the conversation starts. I do believe that is is in your interest to approach this rather sooner than later, maybe you feel the timing will be best in a couple of weeks/months, that choice is ultimately yours, but don't give up too much of your life being uncertain or unhappy. 3
SammySammy Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Sex lives rarely get better after marriage. If your sex life has never been good and you're settling for bad sex now, why punish yourself further? There are several other red flags also (blaming you for her unhappiness) that would have led me to leave this woman a long time ago. 6
salparadise Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) lash out at me and basically blame me...she would spend more time with her than me she would tell me I made her unhappyour sex life stopped I moved outI didn't deserve to be treated bad and watch her laugh and have fun with her friendsex life has always been awkward at best She only has sex with a porn movie ondoesn't really get into the intercoursehave sex for the release and not the act of reconnecting I'm at a point where I don't want to have sexnever really had as much as I'd like from the beginning - 3 days a monthI don't want to marry her either now. I love her but it's starting to feel more like a real close friend than a lover. I'm not sure where to go from here and I don't know how to bring it up because I don't want to throw her focus off from school. I think you're confusing attachment with love. Why would you make her focus on school a higher priority than your own life? You need to find someone who brings joy and harmony into your life. Your life is your responsibility; her school is not. That's just your mind making excuses to postpone the inevitable. Do what you know you need to do and quit wasting precious time. Edited June 18, 2015 by salparadise 3
Poutrew Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Is her girl bestie still in her life? A red flag for me would be that your sex life took a nosedive about the same time this girlfriend entered the picture. If this female is still in the picture, like a moon orbiting a planet, then it would be a double red flag. Also, she did tell you she likes hanging with this girl more than you. If you're not careful, you could wind up being the third wheel in a lesbian relationship, one the women decide to keep around only because of your paycheck... 2
Davey L Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Is her girl bestie still in her life? A red flag for me would be that your sex life took a nosedive about the same time this girlfriend entered the picture. If this female is still in the picture, like a moon orbiting a planet, then it would be a double red flag. Also, she did tell you she likes hanging with this girl more than you. If you're not careful, you could wind up being the third wheel in a lesbian relationship, one the women decide to keep around only because of your paycheck... And how does he know it was a woman, or indeed if her female friend was covering for her when it was a man? 1
Author Malibu79 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 I want to thank everyone for the input so far. As far as the bestie, she's out the picture because I told her with everything that happened as it relates to her friend it would have to be me or her going. As far as today, I take care of everything as far as bills and I also bought her a new car. I've always had a bad habit of putting others needs before mine. I really don't want to change I would rather my somebody special know how to appreciate me. 1
No Limit Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I really don't want to change I would rather my somebody special know how to appreciate me. Very unlikely. You're the type that users will feed on without pause as soon as they have the chance, you have to toughen up. And sorry, but I don't think you should marry this girl. And why on earth did you buy her a car? 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Not sure if I should marry her. I'm pretty damn sure you shouldn't.... 2
Satu Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 If you're not sure, you shouldn't. You need to be sure before you take such a life changing step.
preraph Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Don't marry her! Read your own post and it should be obvious that she can get over almost anything but you not having money. So now she's content but sex is drab. Why would you marry her? Why would you sentence yourself to a life with someone who clearly isn't that into either you or sex and turns very unhappy when things are going along okay but the money isn't plentiful. Try to imagine once you actually lose a job entirely. She is not going to stick with you through thick and thin. And if sex is drab, not sure why you'd want her to. I mean, yes, over the years, that usually takes a step down on the priority list, but jeez, am I right you don't even have kids yet? 1
Author Malibu79 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 No we don't have kids together just her two kids 11 and 13 mine are grown I'm 43 and she's 36. I don't think I can go through with asking her. I'm going to suggest we get counseling first so that everything gets put out on the table and if it shows there's no hope like I'm feeling now then it is what it is and I'll move on accordingly. 2
Satu Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) Just bear in mind that marriage won't solve any problems between you, and will more than likely amplify them. Things don't have to be perfect before you marry, but they do have to be good enough to form a stable and robust foundation. I don't think you have that, so far. Edited June 19, 2015 by Satu 1
ltjg45 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 One of the phases that I keep in mind at all times is this: "If you have to think if you should marry someone, then don't marry him/her." I feel that, for a marriage to work, both partners has to be excited to get married to each other for it to work. If you had to actually think about it when questioned, it isn't going to work at the end. The reasons why doesn't even apply here. It could be for one big reason or a multitude of small reasons. Hell, it could be one small reason but enough to bring it into consideration. It is simply, certainly not complex, and it works for both men and women.
joseb Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 As far as today, I take care of everything as far as bills and I also bought her a new car. I've always had a bad habit of putting others needs before mine. I really don't want to change I would rather my somebody special know how to appreciate me. You say yourself it's a bad habit. As mentioned by No Limit, this behaviour attracts people who will take advantage of it. And if you don't value yourself (and you don't when you always put others first) then others will not respect you either.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 ....I take care of everything as far as bills and I also bought her a new car. I've always had a bad habit of putting others needs before mine. I really don't want to change I would rather my somebody special know how to appreciate me. A the risk of being contentious, this doesn't sound like altruism. This sounds like buying someone's affection & loyalty.... If the actions are balanced out - that's good. If the actions are NOT balanced out - it's unfair - and unhealthy too. Forget counselling... Pack your bags, feller.....
GoBlue Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I personally believe that the issues the two of you have stems closely from the fact that you wanted to live like you were married without the actual commitment of marriage. Cohabiting couples who end up getting married have a much higher divorce rate, lower levels of marital satisfaction, and higher instances of emotional and physical abuse. Many people will read your post and conclude "this just proves your relationship was not marriage worthy." The truth is that cohabiting infuses the relationship with doubt from the beginning. After all, what is the mantra of cohabitation - isn't it - "we are going to test drive the relationship. Make sure we are compatible"? Every couple who chooses to commit to one another has to work through issues. When they get married, there is a melding that takes place which often causes conflict, especially in that first year, but they know that they are married and so they work through them. So, here you are now, not married and so not really tied down. You can make your escape. One of the best ways a couple in your situation can come to know whether their relationship can be marriage worthy is to separate from one another physically (your living arrangements) and enter into counseling. Essentially you will attempt to hit the "restart" button much the same way a married couple does who separates. This may end in a "divorce" or it may lead to "reconciliation" but it is at the very least an attempt to avoid the inevitable death that is coming. I hope it works out for the best.
preraph Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Okay, now that I know she is a single mom with kids, I see why she's being so careful to get someone she can count on for financial support. But if this isn't right for you, it isn't right. Her priority is making herself financially secure for her kids. You're both not in your 20s, so sex is taking a back seat to the kids. That's pretty standard. But the way you describe things, it doesn't sound like it could be that fulfilling for you, so think carefully before you make anything official.
Methodical Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Contemplating marriage shouldn't be entering your mind with the relationship the way it is. You love her but you're not in love. And if you're honest with yourself, she's not that into you if she said she'd rather spend time with her friend than you. I'm a firm believer that marriage is a union where you 'share' your life with someone. Meaning, you have still have your interests, hobbies, friends, etc. Marriage shouldn't require you to give up everything and everyone. She's not going out with a friend once in while, she's spending time with her friend to avoid you. I'm not saying she doesn't care about you, but marriage isn't going to Fix the relationship. All that will do at this point is complicate matters more.
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