richadam Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Hello people, Could really do with some guidance/advice. A little background: Met a girl 10 months ago, we were going incredibly well - looking at houses, talking about marriage/children in the not-so-distant future. Around a month ago, things still going well, she suddenly went weird. I attributed it to her final exams coming up and she was stressed. I tried to be cool, but I must admit, once or twice did loose my cool and we argued. No biggie though. Around that time too it was her birthday, and I went a bit overboard and spoilt her rotten. I guess I was hoping it would make her snap out of it. Anyway, her exams finished and she continued to be odd. I decided to give her some space, and didn't contact her for a few days. I then decided to contact her on Sunday, and after a few hours of chatting, she ended the relationship. She said she was still in love with me, and that none of this was my fault. She said she felt down and that she no longer wanted children or basically to grow up herself and felt that we may no longer be compatible because of this. I must state, I tried to get her to see someone a couple of months ago as I felt she had depression. She has no official diagnosis, but her family are all affected and I work in healthcare so can spot the signs pretty well. She was having none of it. Now, even though she ended it, I felt that we could still eventually get back together. I took the advice of others and implemented the 'no contact' rule, and 4 days in (which is today), I'm still going strong. Up until this point I was actually doing quite well. I was concentrating on myself, and again, took the advice of others, and decided to try and arrange a few dates in order to take my mind off things. All going well, until I saw that she had created a dating profile! Despite telling me in the conversation in which she ended me that she had no desire to date anyone at all, that she felt she needed to be on her own for a while to pick herself up, she is on a dating website! I am beside myself. I was confident I could get her back, but now I've lost that confidence and feel awful.. Was I lied to? Should I break the no contact and ask her? I'm reluctant to, but I really am struggling here.
Ariess10 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Why chase someone that clearly doesn't wanna be in a relationship with you from what I read? Doesn't mean there is something wrong with you , just means she has other plans .. If I were you I would say to myself "fine she doesn't wanna be in my life, she's got it".. Thing is about dating , if someone wants to be in your life they will make it a point to be.. Can't force anything, sucks I know trust me but do you really wanna chase a girl? 1
Author richadam Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 My belief is that she is going through something and will eventually snap out of it. So I'm reluctant to just give on it just yet. I know she's been through a lot of stress and really puts the pressure on herself, so was hoping it would subside eventually... Perhaps not.
Ariess10 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 My belief is that she is going through something and will eventually snap out of it. So I'm reluctant to just give on it just yet. I know she's been through a lot of stress and really puts the pressure on herself, so was hoping it would subside eventually... Perhaps not. if that's what you wanna do is "wait" for her to snap out of then by all means it's your life.. I just don't see the point in wanting someone that goes right on a dating site after a break up.. But hey I wish you the best
JewelD Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Well, you're doing the same thing too right? If you really wanted to wait around and get back with her, I'd imagine you wouldn't want to waste time dating other people either. She probably told you that because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. I mean, how cruel would it be to dump your SO and say "By the way, I'm going to start dating immediately". How recent is the profile? Maybe she's just looking for ways to cope with the pain, or she may just actually want to date other people. Either way, you should go forward with your plan of dating other people as well to take your mind off of it. There is no reason to contact her. What do you need to ask? She lied to you and she's on the dating website because she wants to be. Stay NC. Maybe she'll see your profile and get a little angry as well. Either way, she doesn't sound emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship anyway. Let her figure out her issues.
SankeCoffee Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Women love attention, I bet a big part of her online profile is to stroke her ego that men want her. I would worry about it too much, online dating is pretty terrible and she is bound to have some bad experiences with it. You just don't forget someone you cared about, with time and space she will see things more clearly and if you are someone she really wants to be with. I'm a firm believer that when you get dumped and if you really love and care about that person and disagree about the ending of the relationship, you should make it know that you still love them and disagree with the split and you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Once you have said your peace, walk away and don't look back. Sometimes it takes losing something to realize how much it meant to us. By not contacting her and walking away it will put you in the best spot in her mind since you aren't begging and pushing her further away, being able to walk away and mean it is an attractive quality. The thing is you really have to mean it, you don't go NC in a hope of getting her back, she is already gone. You can't make someone want to come back to you, they will have to make that choice on there own. She dumped you, she ended it, so you must never be the first to initiate contact with her and trust me if she wants to get in touch with you she will, but don't sit around waiting for this, because it might never happen. Now take some time to heal, and then get out there and live you life, go on some dates, reconnect with friends you neglected during your relationship, get in better shape. A lot of times people lose themselves in a relationship and by time and space away revert back to the person they were before, the person that attracted you ex in the first place.
Author richadam Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 I get what you are saying. I'm just wandering if she read something I wrote online and decided to do it herself. I have a lot of reasons to believe she still wants to be with me. Just a few days before she broke it off she text me out of the blue saying "I love you so much" and the next day saying she wanted to try and work through things. Literally a week later, we're over and she's on Tinder. It just doesn't add up.
foolinlove79 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 During one of my many break ups with my ex he was on a dating website. A few actually. And shagged around a bit i think. You really dont want her back. Trust me you dont. At the moment you are missing her which is totally normal. If she does come back dont fool yourself into thinking its because she loves you. Its because she couldnt find anyone else. I dont get people who do this. As soon as an rs ends they automatically start looking for a replacement. I came to the conclusion ita because they dont love you to begin with. Sorry to be harsh. Just been in this kind of situation.
Ariess10 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 During one of my many break ups with my ex he was on a dating website. A few actually. And shagged around a bit i think. You really dont want her back. Trust me you dont. At the moment you are missing her which is totally normal. If she does come back dont fool yourself into thinking its because she loves you. Its because she couldnt find anyone else. I dont get people who do this. As soon as an rs ends they automatically start looking for a replacement. I came to the conclusion ita because they dont love you to begin with. Sorry to be harsh. Just been in this kind of situation. that's not always true, some get into relationships right after to not have to deal with the the pain, but will have to at some point , it always pops up .. Or some just hook up to not feel the lonelyness that comes along with a breakup .. I mean your with someone for so long and then bam they are gone.. So yes its natural to wanna fill that void .. Doesn't mean you didn't love them or still don't
dumbass2 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Unfortunately what you are saying does add up to those of use that have been through it. A lot of dumpees had the same thing happen. Everything was great right up to the time the ex said they wanted to break up. They told us they still loved us and it wasn't us it was them. It happens ALL the time. She had been thinking about it for a while. She wasn't honest to the end with her feelings which is why you were took off guard and wondering now about what she said. She sounds like she wants to go out and explore and see what's out there. I don't know if she's had a serious relationship previously and maybe the house talk and naming kids already was too fast for her and she didn't let on. It may have sounded good for a while and then something hit her and she decided she needs to see what else is out there. The bottom line is she does not think you are the one and you should just let her go out and see what it's like out there and you do the same. If you had a pretty good relationship, she will probably be back in touch, but you should not be willing and anxious to just start talking and texting and getting together just like that. There has to be consequences when someone does this too you. If I were you right now, I would make sure that she can't see anything about you online and if she tries to contact you should ignore. She will want to eventually see what you are up to and you need to make sure she doesn't know. This kills the other person. No one likes to be ignored and not know what's going on with the person they dumped (at least a lot of the time) and dumpers IMO will in most cases want to make sure you do not move on until they have someone else.
Yummm Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Richadam, I feel you bro, you're only day 4 NC so you're in the 'denial stage'. Everyone goes through this, not believing what has happened and have hope that the dumper will eventually come back. Perhaps she will, but that's not for you to pin over. NC is to get over it, heal yourself. It's a win win situation really, give both of you space to process your thoughts and heal, and if she does come back your emotions will have hopefully settled enough for you to make a wiser decision. Regarding the dating site, I wouldn't think too much about it (although at this stage of your breakup you will probably be overthinkinng everything)... I joined a dating app 4 days after she broke up with me, just for some attention and to see how I felt, nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't generally lead to anything and is probably just an ego boost like others have said. Stay strong and stick with NC, please do not break it. If she sends you messages that are pointless DO NOT RESPOND. The ONLY time you should respond is if she says how much of a mistake she has made and wants you back. 1
Author richadam Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 I appreciate your honesty guys. I agree with most of it. Shall I unfriend on all social media?
Ariess10 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I appreciate your honesty guys. I agree with most of it. Shall I unfriend on all social media? defiantly !!!
GoBlue Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 What she said to you while breaking-up is normal "break-up" talk. "It's not you, it's me;" "you didn't do anything wrong;" "I am rethinking whether I want to have children"...blah blah blah. Most people are not completely honest when they break up because it's hard hurting someone that you care about. Both men and women usually tell their gf/bf that they "aren't interested in anyone else" as well. What would be the purpose of breaking NC and asking her why she is on a dating site? The very next thing I would say to you is "why were you on that dating site in the first place?" She may also get angry and accuse you of stalking her. Look - she broke up with you. Take her at her word. How helpful do you think it is hoping or believing that she will have a change of heart? If you move forward and she demonstrates a true change, then the possibility of reconciliation can be explored, but right now she has made her wishes known. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope it all works out.
foolinlove79 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 that's not always true, some get into relationships right after to not have to deal with the the pain, but will have to at some point , it always pops up .. Or some just hook up to not feel the lonelyness that comes along with a breakup .. I mean your with someone for so long and then bam they are gone.. So yes its natural to wanna fill that void .. Doesn't mean you didn't love them or still don't I never looked at it like that. To me it just meant you are forgettable and replaceable
Recommended Posts