Lissy1984 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Everyone will hate me for this...but I don't know where else to turn. I'm a 21 year old female who was involved with a married man from a very young age. I was 16 when it began, he didn't tell me he was married for the first couple of weeks. We met on ICQ and chatted everyday on there, swapped numbers, emails-it was a constant thing. I was on cloud nine! To think at just age 16 a 22 year old guy was attracted to me and wanted to meet me. Then it was taken one step further and we met, which was when the trouble began. I completely fell for him and have been in a state of misery and stuck in limbo ever since. I ran around trying to do everything I could to make him happy...asked him to leave his wife and he told me there was no chance. So why didn't I leave? I wish I knew! He made me abort our child when I was 17 years old, after promising to come with me and then not showing up....and I lost our second baby aged 19. I know how stupid I've been and what an idiot I will look to the rest of you-but I really was blind at the time. And still feel like I have blinkers on....he comes in and out of my life every few days, sometimes saying he wants to meet up and then saying he just wants to be friends. His wife knows everything, he claims they are getting divorced but its clear he is lying as they still live together and have booked a family holiday this year. I suffer with depression and stress issues as a result of all the heartache-I can't believe I was such a first prize idiot and have been for 5 years. All I wanted to know was, how do I take the first steps to getting over him and forgetting the situation? Thankyou in advance.
fanou22 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Unfortunately you cannot forget about the situation. All you can do is learn from it and move one. Stop feeling sorry for yourself is the first step. The second step is not to have any kind of contact whatsoever with your MM. If you don't feel good about it and cannot carry it on, then you should start seeing a therapist. Feeling miserable won't do anything. You are in the prime of the fun years and this is what you should be doing having fun instead of being miserable. Hope this helps.
erika2610 Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by fanou22 Unfortunately you cannot forget about the situation. All you can do is learn from it and move one. Stop feeling sorry for yourself is the first step. The second step is not to have any kind of contact whatsoever with your MM. If you don't feel good about it and cannot carry it on, then you should start seeing a therapist. Feeling miserable won't do anything. You are in the prime of the fun years and this is what you should be doing having fun instead of being miserable. Hope this helps. I agree with Fanou. You're just gonna have to slowly move on. Just chalk it up to a lesson learned. It'll be hard at first.. it'll hurt alot. But the pain will lessen as time goes on. And eventually you'll wonder what you were thinking. Just do your best not to have any contact with him at all. And you don't look like an idiot.. alot of us here have been through the same kind of situation. That's why we're here He's not going to divorceher.. you said he made it clear a while ago that there was no chance of him leaving her. Just move on. You deserve better. You deserve a guy to be just yours.
CurlyIam Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 I bet you're not going to college, are you? Go to college, mingle with people your age, unattached and not married. He was a predator and you fell for him. He should have gone to jail for getting you pregnant at 17. Change your routine, cell phone, group of friends... it will get easier after a while.
newbee Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 hi sweetie, firstly most people here are alot older and most people here have made the same mistakes/are making the same mistakes as you. even if they werent how could anyone who's opinion counts hate you for this, you never intentionally hurt anyone did you. but you are hurting you, still. the thing you have to realise is that nothing and nobody is going to save you from this, only you can do it. when you have done it, you will feel so different it will be unbelievable. it has been going on so long i bet you dont know what anything else feels like anymore. it will take a while to get over and you have to be prepared for that. whoever said go to college gave some very good advice. you are young and you may not realise it now but life really can be what you make it!! think about that and get excited!! when you are in your thirties plus you will realise this and wish you had realised it before you got old and bogged down by responsibilties. well i'm telling you, you can make your life as great as you like, you can go to college and enjoy learning and hanging out with people your age and having fun!!! isnt that fantastic news???
Author Lissy1984 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Posted April 29, 2005 Thanks for the replies, I seem to be wallowing in self pity lately! I know I gotta get up and do something about it, its just proving very difficult...plus I have agoraphobia, so if I wanted to study I would have to study from home-but I think its worth considering. Anything to get my mind off whats happening!
MistressD Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 On this one....I dont blame u as he could have went to jail. He got u when you were volunerable. That is why we have laws against this sort of thing. Had he not broken the law, you would not be depressed and so broken. THIS MAN IS A PREDATOR. HE IS A PEDOPHILE! Again, there are laws to protect you from this sort of thing....UNLESS of course he is less than 5 years older than you. Sorry...about the harsh statements but I get so mad when it comes to children and 16 is a child.
FolderWife Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 ...we don't hate you We are all here, because basically, love is blind...and quite confusing. Good luck
HoldOn Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 This man is pure evil. We don't hate you. I think all of us have done really really dumb things and that's why we are here. So, this man has basically ruined 5 years of your life. Don't let him ruin one more day. Don't give him the control, the pleasure of ruining ONE MORE MINUTE. Now, being forced to have an abortion can really affect you. So I think you need some serious counselling about this whole thing. I also agree with the other poster. Go to college! You'll realize that there are totally normal people out there who will love you truly! Please go find them. You can do it. You've made mistakes in your past, don't let them rule your future.
Author Lissy1984 Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 Thankyou again for everyone who has offered me advice and support, I'm hanging on at the moment-I haven't contact him in 4 days now, and for me, that is a lot. I think I got to a stage where I felt that noone else would ever want me, like I was damaged goods really-my mother has been so supportive and is trying to help me through this. Naturally my dad is very keen to get his hands on this man, he's fuming! I've never seen him so angry. I am going to counselling lately, I just hope I can move past this and one day-feel better about myself again.
Nara Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 If you can be sure about one thing - you WILL feel better. Better than ever when you walked through this. Four days without contacting him - well, great ! Don't get weak, please, just ignore him, as hard as this may seem. You do not need him to make you feel you are someone. You are special because you ARE. Simple as that. Just great, that your parents support you... Concentrate on yourself, stay true to yourself, you'll be growing through this, well, you already did. I wish you loads and loads of strength, power and lust for life.
faux Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 I don't have a problem with you; we all make big mistakes. I think this man is scum, though. A twenty two year-old should have nothing to do with a sixteen year-old in that way. Besides, until you were eighteen, the relationshp you had with this man was illegal; the law would have considered him a criminal for being involved with you. I also want to point out that "going to get a divorce" and being divorced are two entirely different things. Either a person is married or he is not; if a person has not yet been divorced from a marriage, then that person is still married. Shut this man out of your life. I don't see how you can get over him if you take his phone calls, read any messages or notes he sends you, or if you see him in person. In time, you will have all of this behind you.
DesertDweller Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Hi. I feel so bad for you. Don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you don't realize how young you are and how much life you have ahead of you. There's a good book called Letting Go by Dr. Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot. (Check Amazon.com or Bookfinder.com.) The authors claim that "By identifying the events that take place when someone is getting over a relationship successfully, and then causing these events to happen on a programmed schedule, you can abbreviate the time and accelerate your recovery." How wonderful to know your emotions are under your control! For starters, you might try remembering all the awful things he's done, instead of dwelling on the good. The evil in me says, if his wife doesn't already know what he's done, tell her. Why should he get away scot-free? And, finally, you need to get some medication/counseling so you can leave your house. Don't let this disorder become a lifestyle.
HoldOn Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Lizzy, every day will get better. Can you make it your goal to do something every day that will bring you closer to your future goals? Like order a college catalog. Or speak with a career counsellor. Or plan a vacation with girlfriends. Anything! Just do SOMETHING productive every day. You can do it!
sharing skirts Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 MistressD and faux, Maybe where you live, 16 is illegal. But in many parts of the world, in fact, in MOST parts of the world, having sex with a 16 year old is not illegal. I'm not condoning anything, just stating the facts.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 We don't hate you hon. This man you have been with sounds like a real pig, who has been using you. He is 6 years older than you, married, said he would never leave his wife, yet he got you pregnant twice? No contact with this character is a very GOOD thing. You need to meet new people. I understand about the agoraphobia, but you should get some help for that (there may be meds or therapy which can help), so you can attend school, and meet guys who are not like he is. It is not too late to get through that problem, and get out so that you can find someone who is worthy of what you have to offer. Speaking as a man who is quite disgusted with how this man has treated you, we are not all like that, you deserve better, and you WILL meet someone who is nice, and actually cares about you and not just himself.
Author Lissy1984 Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Well....contact was resumed but has now stopped again-I definately need something to occupy me whilst I try and get over this. It's not that he contacts me much, more that I cave in and feel like I need him...take this weekend for example, I told him I would be in town and he said he would like to meet up. But when the time came I turned around and walked straight back out of there-he got mad at me and has been awful to me ever since pretty much. He wants to know why I made him drive out there and then stood him up, he fails to accept the fact that I up, ran and had to throw up outside. THAT is how messed up the situation makes me feel . Of course, as always, it's all my fault-thats his answer to everything it would seem. It's all my fault because I stood him up and he's hurt because he misses me and really wanted to see me. He doesn't care that I ran outside in a state of utter panic and had to come home. I'm off to see my therapist again today, he would like to change my medication to help pick me up a bit...I'd like to feel better in myself, I feel like I've been suffering forever. I know he will tell me that I need to make some changes in order for life to get better and I am willing to try, I just need this man out of my head and out of my life. As much as I love him-I just can't do this to myself anymore.
HoldOn Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 As much as I love him-I just can't do this to myself anymore. Yes, sweetie. You don't have to deny that you love him. You just have to accept that he's bad and you can't be with him. Sometimes, love is something you can't control. especially when you were robbed of your childhood by a manipulative man. Even though you love him, you can't be with him. In time your feelings will fade and you'll begin to lead a normal life,.... But you MUST stop seeing him or talking to him. Move to freaking Alaska if you have to. Maybe you could take a trip for a while and get your mind off him and realize all the good people out there?
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