Samhain Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Maybe she's not 100% over him, or doesn't want him or his family to see her plastering another guy all over facebook or wherever. One thing I've noticed about people who have an obsession with social media is that they care a great deal about what their followers/friends on these places think of them. I'd be miffed if a woman I was dating spent a lot of time on social media (this alone would annoy me anyway) and refused to acknowledge my existence on there. Sounds like she did it originally just because you addressed it and then stopped again. Being shy and not wanting to be photographed really isn't a plausible excuse if she had lots of pics of her and her ex together. It is also strange she has reached out to her ex's sister because that's just another way of keeping a link with her ex. Whatever's going on here, despite what she says I definitely wouldn't be looking to make financial decisions even if it is 50/50 because no matter what happens after that you are tied to that person (a year is a long time but really, not that long with regards to a LTR). If your gut tells you something isn't right, 9/10 time's you're correct. It's your 6th sense that's there to be listened to.
Author Mark12345q Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Quick question... whose money is being used to build the house? Why did you sell your house? Why didn't she sell hers too? Is her name going to be on the title for this new house? With you putting in most of the $$ to build it? While she keeps her existing house? I dunno. Sounds fishy to me. I ask, because lots of women will settle for a guy who a) wants to be in a relationship b) has money. If you don't feel she is that into you, you are probably right. Or she may be trying, but it is in a direction that doesn't make you feel loved. Either way, its a sign of incompatibility. I'd listen to your gut before you go to much further. For me, 6 months to a year is make or break time.... this might be break time for you. In spite of the fact that she's going along with the house thing. To answer your questions: I sold the house as it was the one I bought with an ex that cheated on me. The Place reminded me of it all the time. She is selling hers as we discussed possibly buying one together in the future and I said I wouldn't look to do that while she still owned hers. (I guess I kinda pushed on this but there was no hesitation on her part). As I mentioned in another post - I'm feeling this as things are starting to head towards something more serious and the feelings I previously suppressed are surfacing again. I just get a feeling that she would've wanted more to be with her ex than me...
Author Mark12345q Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Maybe she's not 100% over him, or doesn't want him or his family to see her plastering another guy all over facebook or wherever. One thing I've noticed about people who have an obsession with social media is that they care a great deal about what their followers/friends on these places think of them. I'd be miffed if a woman I was dating spent a lot of time on social media (this alone would annoy me anyway) and refused to acknowledge my existence on there. Sounds like she did it originally just because you addressed it and then stopped again. Being shy and not wanting to be photographed really isn't a plausible excuse if she had lots of pics of her and her ex together. It is also strange she has reached out to her ex's sister because that's just another way of keeping a link with her ex. Whatever's going on here, despite what she says I definitely wouldn't be looking to make financial decisions even if it is 50/50 because no matter what happens after that you are tied to that person (a year is a long time but really, not that long with regards to a LTR). If your gut tells you something isn't right, 9/10 time's you're correct. It's your 6th sense that's there to be listened to. What would you do in my shoes? I cant exactly say a lot as I also haven't made a lot of reference to her on Facebook either (partly because I hardly go on Facebook myself). I'm crap at sharing my feelings and when I do I kinda comes across as though I'm just moaning at her
Author Mark12345q Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Well I spoke to her about how I felt and she went into defence mode again and said its all in my head. i kinda figured it would go this way. I've deleted my Facebook account too but I doubt it'll have any effect at all on her actions. The annoying thing is she didn't really give me any assurances or acknowledge anything wrong. even despite me raising my concerns with her ex still being on friends list. (I guess my values are different to hers in relation to ex's).
Samhain Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 What would you do in my shoes? I cant exactly say a lot as I also haven't made a lot of reference to her on Facebook either (partly because I hardly go on Facebook myself). I'm crap at sharing my feelings and when I do I kinda comes across as though I'm just moaning at her I was going to ask if her ex is still on her Fb but I see you have just said that he is. That, and reaching out to her ex's sister are (in my opinion) bad signs. Not necessarily bad signs alone, but coupled with the fact she is clearly playing down her relationship with you to the world but making life changing decisions with you in private, yeah, bad signs. If I were in your shoes I'd definitely cancel any plans to make financial dedications, it's just not feasible with the way you are feeling, and with the obvious alarm bells going off here. You could start by telling her this. And bring up that you think it's because her ex is still on her facebook and for some strange reason she is afraid to "show off" your relationship in front of him, even though she's apparently serious enough about you to want to buy a house together. Opinions on here about whether it's wise to keep an ex on social media are quite conflicted, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it. And I don't think you would be out of your place by suggesting that if he means nothing, and it's over, and she loves you, that she should remove him. I wouldn't say it's a "deal breaker" (yet) and that you should end the relationship, but based on her reaction to you when you eventually bring this up to her, you might have to start considering that she isn't 100% emotionally invested in you and has unresolved feelings with her ex. 2
Author Mark12345q Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 I was going to ask if her ex is still on her Fb but I see you have just said that he is. That, and reaching out to her ex's sister are (in my opinion) bad signs. Not necessarily bad signs alone, but coupled with the fact she is clearly playing down her relationship with you to the world but making life changing decisions with you in private, yeah, bad signs. If I were in your shoes I'd definitely cancel any plans to make financial dedications, it's just not feasible with the way you are feeling, and with the obvious alarm bells going off here. You could start by telling her this. And bring up that you think it's because her ex is still on her facebook and for some strange reason she is afraid to "show off" your relationship in front of him, even though she's apparently serious enough about you to want to buy a house together. Opinions on here about whether it's wise to keep an ex on social media are quite conflicted, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it. And I don't think you would be out of your place by suggesting that if he means nothing, and it's over, and she loves you, that she should remove him. I wouldn't say it's a "deal breaker" (yet) and that you should end the relationship, but based on her reaction to you when you eventually bring this up to her, you might have to start considering that she isn't 100% emotionally invested in you and has unresolved feelings with her ex. I agree with you views on ex's on social media sites. Genuinely don't agree keeping them in your life in whatever form. It is quite sad to hear that it infers her lack of dedication to 'us' but it's something I just need to recognise. I did speak to her last night and I told her exactly how I felt. She said she understood why I felt like that but at the same time just kept moving blame to me for not making the effort myself on Facebook. she assures me in every other way that she has proven she is committed (why she wants to live together, marriage, kids etc) and that the whole issue around Facebook is just pointless to her. just feels like a fob off again. I asked her why her ex is still on and why she made contact and she said she just didn't think it would be a problem. I also asked her if she had a problem removing him and she said she would... The disappointing thing is she still hasn't done it yet. How long am I supposed to give her to do this?? It's the 3rd time I've mentioned that it bothers me yet it's as though it doesn't even cross her mind... Feel like sh*t and starting to wonder what the next steps are.
RedRobin Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) This issue is an indication of how you both manage conflict and compromise in a relationship. If she is generally agreeable, helpful, and acting like a partner in other ways, I'd still press her about this one issue. My guess is that this isn't the only issue where she 'fobs off' as you put it... and this is just one example, am I right? She responds to your requests for more safety, consideration, or whatever, with an explanation (maybe) but then doesn't make adjustments. Both people need to make adjustments. Is there some other area where she'd like you to make an adjustment? Not related to FB? How to treat ex's and other men in her life is an area that can be a minefield... but it is an important area to have agreement on because it has the potential to affect the basic foundation of trust in a relationship... as you can see. If I were you, I'd just halt any further coming together (financial, household, etc) until you get some kind of closure on this issue. When I was married, there was a website I went to try and save it... called Marriage Builders. They have this thing called The Policy of Joint Agreement. And, if you read it, it means that you don't proceed forward on an important step without both people being enthusiastic. If you aren't, then you stop and keep negotiating until you do. I think it's a great idea, and I've put it into practice myself and seen others do it too. It is also a good way to sort out people who are seeking 'power' in a relationship instead of togetherness and a partnership. Edited December 8, 2015 by RedRobin
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