Am I just wasting my time with him??!

[LissaKimLove]

Ok, I’m new here, but I have a really big problem I really need advice on…. So I’m hoping I can get some good advice here. I'm a really sweet girl, 23 yrs. old, have had my heart broken enough times to just give up on love!

 

My boyfriend, Chris and I have been together for about 4 months (we met on New Years Eve). He really liked me a lot in the beginning and initiated everything… he bought me 3 beautiful roses one day for no reason, he taped American Idol for me when I was going to miss it one night AND cut out ALL the commercials for me too!! He got me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of roses for Valentines’ Day, and he mentioned even more to come!

 

He did tell me many times though that love is a strong word and he doesn’t say it unless he really means it… So I didn’t expect him to say it anytime soon. I became really good friends with Crystal, a girl Chris has known since they were babies, and she was telling me how unlike him this was that he was doing all these sweet things, because he’s normally not like that. He loves women, and he’s into the party scene and has been with a lot of girls, but only had 2 serious relationships, so this was something so off track for him! She told me Chris has come to her and told her how much he likes me… so I was like, wow! He was always telling me how much he loved being with me and was saying all these sweet things and then one night basically asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I agreed because I felt exactly the same.

 

Then maybe a week or 2 later, I found out I was pregnant! I was upset because I didn’t think Chris would be happy about it and would probably want me to get an abortion… But when I told him about it he was really happy and wanted me to keep it. Well things took a really fast turn and got really serious really fast. He told me maybe a week later that he loved me! Things were so great… we were planning a family, we were going to move in together, etc, etc. He told EVERYBODY he knew about the baby, and was so excited about it, so of course I was really excited about it as well!

 

But at the time (this was about 2 months ago), I was going through a really hard time at home. I had just moved back to CT (home) from FL about a month before I met him. (I lived in FL for 2.5 years with my ex-boyfriend, until we broke up almost a year ago.) So when all of this was going on, I was still living with my dad and step-mom… but Chris got a place shortly after we found out I was pregnant, with Crystal and her boyfriend, so I sorta ended up moving in with them. I also didn’t have a job at the time (I had just quit the last one and was in between jobs).

 

Well, things were great for awhile, he was always telling me how happy he was and how much he loved me... and then one day he said he needed to talk to me. To make a long story short he told me he wasn’t ready for all this and wanted me to get an abortion! Go freakin figure!! I guess reality set in for him. I was really really upset about it and couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to do, I was so torn… but finally ended up deciding to go for it and Chris and I went and I got myself an abortion. But even afterwards, he was still telling me he loved me.... I just don't think it was half as much as he was saying it before.

 

I had also just moved in with my mom in a town about an hour away from him at the time too, so I don’t think that helped the situation with us. I’m only able to see him now on weekends since I work here during the week. So I went from seeing him every day to only seeing him maybe 2 days a week.

 

Ever since then things haven’t been the same with us, and Chris told me about a week ago that he’s NOT in love with me! He had told me BEFORE though that he was, but now he’s saying that the love isn’t deep enough YET. He told me that he definitely has “feelings” for me, and that he really really likes me and still considers me his girlfriend, but he’s just not “in love” with me. And when I told him I never would have thought he didn’t love me, he said it’s not that he doesn’t LOVE me, because he does, he’s just not IN love with me. I’m thinking… if we’ve been through all this sh*t together and he’s not IN love with me, something’s wrong.

 

Well, at the time he had just found out that he has to go to jail for breaking probation. (He had gotten into trouble in the past, had multiple DUI's, so he couldn't drive.... and he had to drive me home from the abortion b/c I couldn't, and he got pulled over… just my luck! So he got a court date for breaking his probation-driving.) Supposedly he has like 3 warrants out for his arrest for stupid things he did like a year ago! (I told you, he was a party boy!) So he had a court date and we were gonna go together so I could be proof that he had good reason to do what he did. To make ANOTHER long story short, he had another court date last minute that his probation officer dropped off, and when he went, they immediately cuffed him and put him in jail, but he got bailed out. So now he says he’s gonna be thrown in again, this time for good when he goes to court next time (which is actually this Tuesday), so he doesn’t want me to go of course. He sounds so apathetic, and doesn’t even want to TRY to get out of it… like get an attorney or anything. He just wants to do his time and get it over with so that way when he gets out he has a clean slate and doesn’t have to worry about probation or any of that. I understand that. I’m hoping that it’s only for a couple months or so.

 

It just hurts that he doesn’t even care what happens to our relationship… he sounds so care-free about the whole situation. And when I told him before we hung up the other day that I loved him, he couldn’t say it back. But then he told me he would still write to me from jail, and that he would call me the next day (which was yesterday and he never did)! I really don’t think he’s going to write to me from jail either… It would be nice if he did though, b/c maybe we could get to know each other a little better and he could see that he really DOES love me… ? I don’t know. I’m not gonna hold my breath. Is this all just a waste of time??

 

He also told me that his ex-girlfriend (who he was with for 3 years, but they broke up like 2 years ago, and they are still friends) drove him to court that day and then her and his step-dad (who are really close) were the ones to bail him out later. I don’t know what to think. Maybe he talked to her and she convinced him that he really doesn’t love me or something. Or he’s still in love with her?? He told me he has no feelings left for her, so… hopefully he’s not lying. Maybe Crystal had talked to him or something, because she had told me before that he confided in her about his feelings and she told him that if he didn’t think we had a future together or that he didn’t love me, to just break up with me now. She told me the same thing… that if he’s not giving me what I want (he hardly ever calls me, never makes an effort to see me, etc.), then it’s not worth it to stay with him.

 

I’m racking my brain trying to think of why he doesn’t love me anymore, or why he said it… And what I should say to him now. I’m supposed to see him this weekend for the last time before he goes to jail, but now I don’t know what to do. I really want to see him, but I don’t think it’s a good idea considering it’s just gonna probably hurt me more, especially since he doesn’t even LOVE me anymore!!

 

I just wish I could turn back time and none of this would have ever happened! I was afraid to give my love away… I tried to take things slow and just make things simple, but the exact opposite happened!

 

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea and think that Chris is this terrible guy… b/c he’s not! He’s a sweetheart… he’s funny, he’s always got a smile on his face… and he always treated me right. Never cheated on me, I always trusted him with that. Every time I’m with him he is really affectionate, and gives me compliments. When I got sick, he took care of me, made me soup and tea, and tucked me in early so I could get some sleep, etc... I just love being with him. It’s when I’m not that it sucks.

 

I really think that if none of this had happened that our relationship would be just fine. But I don’t want to waste my time and just continue being hurt if he doesn’t even love me. I don’t know if he really doesn’t, or if he’s just saying that. But if he doesn’t, then I shouldn’t go see him, should I?? I really don’t know what to do… I’m probably just overanalyzing, but I’m making myself crazy thinking about it.

 

It hurts so bad to think after all we’ve been through that he doesn’t even love me. My stomach does flip-flops every time I think about it. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is I love him so much, and I want more than anything for this to work, but if it’s not going to, then I should just move on and stop holding my damn breath!

 

Has anyone been through something similar?? Can anyone give me some advice?? I would reeeeeeally appreciate it!! I only have a couple days to make a decision. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Thank you…

 

~*Melissa*~

[Merin]

Melissa,

 

You've been through some pretty emotional things...

 

I'm so sorry

 

I'm going to tell you somethings you probably don't want to really hear.. know that I'm not saying them to hurt you but just to give you my perspective based on what you've said..

 

Chris... isn't a good guy. I'm sorry Melissa.. but he isn't.

It doesn't matter that he made you soup or taped a show for you... because when you needed him REALLY needed him to support you emotionally and be there for you, he wasn't.

 

Chris has a lot of growing up to do... he's right when he said he wasn't ready to be a Dad... he isn't even taking care of himself.

 

There is a difference between Loving someone and Being IN Love with them... the way you Love your family, friends, children is different then the way you Love your Mate... IMO Chris may Love you in the way you Love family and friends.. but not in the way a person is in love with thier SO.. this isn't something that changed in him IMO it's something that wasn't there to begin with.

 

IF a person really Loves you, there isn't any person who can talk them out of that... so put your mind at rest on that... His EXGF nor Crystal or anyone else for that matter could change his feelings about you IF he were in Love with you... there isn't anything or anyone that would convince him that his feelings weren't there if indeed they were... just as at this point no one is going to be able to convince you that you're not in Love with him... see what I'm saying?

 

At this point Chris is looking at doing time in jail... don't feel sorry for him. You have to pay to play Melissa... Chris did what he did and didn't look, think or worry about the consequences to his actions... just like in having sexual relations... he didn't look, think or worry about the consequences there either... he's irresponsible.

 

I would advise you to move on... I'm sorry.

 

Good Luck

[BrotherAaron]

I read your post, and didn't respond right away, because... well, because this is a situation that calls for serious input from your close friends who are familiar with the situation.

 

I think he might be overwhelmed with the situation and, possibly, depressed. You two were in the relationship building stage, and, apparently, you weren't to the point that he could come to you as his sidekick. Instead, it seems that he began to see you as a burden - something that requires upkeep, not provides stability or support.

 

If you really care about this man, give him your support, but tread lightly. This is a sticky situation, and I advise that you know what you're doing before you do it.