Why do I feel so angry towards ex? How can I let go?

[RoseBud12]

So my full break up story is here if anyone would like more background http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/528096-just-trying-make-sense-all

 

But I feel like I just need to vent and write about this. My ex and I have been broken up since the beginning of May so it's been about a month and a half. I went no contact pretty much immediately to help me move on, even though she wanted to remain friends. I told her I could not be her friend.

 

I'm pretty proud of myself for remaining in no contact. If I'm being real with myself, I know it's for the best that we are not together anymore. I've gone through many stages of emotions but right now I can't shake this angry feeling. And I've never been an angry person at all. But sometimes when I think about her I call her names in my head and feel like I could just punch a wall.

 

I get angry when I think about what she did to me. How she had so many chances to be honest with me. How many times I asked her if she just wasn't that into it or didn't care anymore, because that's the vibe I was getting. But I feel like she lied to me. Made me feel crazy for even second guessing her love.

 

The way that she broke it off just pisses me off. I wonder if she was just using me the whole time. She didn't have a car and I gave her rides everywhere, helping her out literally everyday. And it seems like a strange coincidence that she was about to get a car when she called it quits. It pisses me off how cool she was about the whole thing. Just like "hey we've been together for a year and a half and talk about our future together all the time but I just think this is for the best and I'll always love and care for you" bullcrap.

 

The night before the break up we went out on this wonderful date, went for a hike, out to dinner, went to her hottub and had sex. Then the next morning over a text message she says how she's just not happy anymore...wtf? No warning whatsoever. When I tried to call her she said she's too busy making a smoothie to talk right now. Wow. Break up with me over a text and then not even let me talk to you about it?

I feel like a fool. I feel used. I feel like I never really knew her. I feel lied to. I feel like she so easily just tossed me to the garbage. After everything I did for her and how much we went through together. I feel angry that she didn't even think twice or look back, hadn't even contacted me. I feel like she doesn't even realize what she had in me, how good I treated her.

 

Anyways, my question is...has anyone had similar feelings of thinking about your ex making your blood boil? This is a new feeling for me and I don't think it's healthy. I just want to let go of it. I don't want to feel resentful and hateful about it anymore. I feel helpless though because I've done a lot of writing about it, even prayed about it and it seems to get worse. Maybe this is just a stage in the grieving process?

[ravfour4]

Yep, I've been feeling that way lately. As I've begun finally falling out of love with her, I can't believe that she sat in front of me feeling this way with me calling her out on EXaCTLY what she was doing with this other guy, how she felt about me, her thoughts about the break up and she denied ALL of it. Right to my face. She's a cold hearted bitch for that, so afraid to just speak the truth because she was either afraid of hurting me with her words (but was totally fine doing it behind my back) or afraid of saying it out loud and realizing what a raging bitch she was for doing it.

 

We've been in a bit of contact lately. I'm for the most part neutral about it, don't really feel one way or another when she contacts me, but at times I get furious. I think it's a good feeling, my deep deep love for her blinded me to her madness for a while, I kept forgiving her and trying to understand why she was doing what she was doing - but when it comes down to it, there's no excuse. She was just a scared weak girl afraid to say the truth or own up to it. I hope karma catches her. I literally knew EXACTLY what she was up to and she denied it all, I don't understand how she wouldn't have been like "wow, he really knows me well, he's ****ing a mind reader" - but that thought evidentially never crossed her mind.

Edited June 18, 2015 by ravfour4

[RoseBud12]

I also feel angry that I wasted some good times with her. Like when we went to go see my favorite band play, I wish that memory did not have her involved. Because (this might sound mean but it's how I feel) the way she treated me at the end makes me just remember her as a girl who screwed me completely. I can't even remember any good times with her or good things about her. All I think about is how she screwed me over, which I don't know is even based in reality because I think adults should be able to choose who they want to be with and if she wasn't happy I should be able to let go and allow her to make that decision. I'm also mad at myself by not seeing the signs sooner, and for still having these strong emotions after a month and a half. I feel like I should be getting more chill about it instead of more pissed.

[ravfour4]

Were you more hopeful before? About the potential of getting back together? If so, I think having less hope and more anger is a sign that you're healing, seeing her for what she really is and moving in the right direction.

 

Know that the good times were good, even if they're hard to remember. To recover from a break-up, it's better to focus on the bad times than the good times. Focusing on the good times will keep you hopeful and will keep you fighting. Focusing on the bad times will help you forget her and will help you never want her back.

[aloneinaz]

A couple of things here. You shouldn't of felt she dumped you out of the blue with no warning. You mentioned that you were feeling her withdrawal and had a conversation about it with her. People don't just dump someone on a whim. They had been checking out emotionally for several weeks/months before dropping the bomb. You're were clearly noticing it but where maybe in denial and where to accepting of her excuses when you challenged her.

 

 

Obviously, people have the right to end relationships when they are not happy. Most people have ended them. YES, we hope they do it with kindness and class. Some don't. You can choose to be angry and feel disrespected in her ending it and doing it in a classless way.

 

 

You will got thru all these stages of denial, anger, regret, acceptance, etc.. The sooner you navigate thru them, the better you'll feel better and move on w/your life. Don't wallow in the anger stage too long. It's not healthy.

 

 

You best revenge is to vanish from her life, never to be heard from again. This will allow you to heal the fastest and find happiness again.

 

 

With age comes the realization that this happens all the time in relationships. Yes, it sucks to go thru it but you learn not to take it so personally and roll with the punches.

[RoseBud12]

Honestly, I'm really glad I posted this tonight. Because even reading these couple of replies (thanks by the way) has knocked me back into reality. I think I have been kind of living in some delusion about the way things were. I have to remember the truth...

Was I happy in the relationship? Hell no. Could I make a list of all the things that should've been deal breakers and things that I didn't like about her or the relationship? Yep. Being with her was holding me back from growing as a person and in my life...this I know is a fact. I should be glad someone finally ended it even if it did have to be her. I wouldn't want her back even if she came begging. She showed her true colors at the end there, and I feel like the whole relationship she was just putting on a show, faking things so she didn't have to be alone. Man, I'm realizing she had some issues that I made tons excuses for!

 

I will have higher standards for my next relationship. And I'm learning a ton from this, about myself and what I want in a partner.

The truth is that I never really knew her. Because, amongst other things, we didn't communicate well. And I have a feeling she never really knew me...like the way I want someone to see inside my soul one day and love me for that.

 

Is it simply easier to look at all the things she did wrong to me and play the victim than to actually begin to look at myself and my own wrongdoings? If simply my wrongdoings right now could be the fact that I'm letting this get to me. It's time to get back to focusing on myself. Because really she does not matter to me or my life anymore.

 

Each day the time in between thoughts of her become larger gaps. Maybe im holding on to the anger because I know that soon there will be nothing left of her to hold onto. Maybe holding onto anger is like me drinking poison expecting the other person to die. I feel like me being angry is somehow getting back at her. It's vengeful. But I feel justified in my anger. When really I should stop playing the victim and start seeing things for what it really was. I think I am mostly angry because how she made me feel. She made me question my self worth, and feel like an undesirable partner.

But in the end, she's not the one who did that, I'm the one who's allowing myself to feel that way.

my life has actually been rapidly blossoming since she left. I have fallen madly in love with music again. I'm remembering the person I was before I met her. I'm dreaming more vividly than ever. My job is going incredibly well. And I'm moving into a new place, starting fresh. I have more money since I'm not always taking the damn girl on dates, and I have more time for my friends and hobbies. And number one is even through the pain and heartache I have kept my sobriety (2years)! No one is ever worth losing that.

Thanks guys, I think I just needed a reality check! I should be grateful to her for having the balls to step away really, even if she was classless about it. I know that one day I will think of her and feel indifferent.

[foolinlove79]

My ex has done that to me a few times. Everything is moving along ok and then one day out of the blue boom..he isnt happy. My advice to you is dont let her do it to you again becauae she might be like my arse face who keeps changing his mind. And dont contact her because you just look sad and pathetic. Time will make you feel better and the anger will fade too. Normal to feel that way i think.

[candie13]

First of all, accept where you are. You're in full anger stage.

 

Then, embrace it. Really. With all your heart. Talk to your friends. Write her letters ( don't sent them). Talk to a therapist. Run every day - helps let steam out. Go to the gym and hit the boxing sack. Really. Let it physically out. It's dangerous to bottle it down.

 

With time, it will all become clearer. Like the others say: when you are more chilled you will realize that there were signs that she was checking out emotionally, but you simply didn't realize it... or wanted to see them.

 

But each step with its homework. Right now, your no 1 objective is to manage your anger. And absolutely DO NOT aim it towards her. These are your feelings, it's up to you to manage them, not up to someone else. They are your responsibility !

 

Now... go out there and find a suitable way of channeling all that negative energy to let it all out. Read articles about how to evacuate it, as it is toxic...

[aloneinaz]

Rosebud,

 

 

You're already ahead of the game. The fact that you can honestly view that relationship and realize it sucked and you weren't happy either is a good thing. Like the other poster said, find outlets to let go of the anger. It does no good.

 

 

I was in the same exact position as you two years ago. My ex ended us cause I couldn't pull the trigger. I should of dumped her a long time before hand but had other drama in my life and didn't want that on top of it.

I was angry afterward. Mainly at myself cause I knew I wasn't happy and my pride was hurt cause I didn't dump her. I VANISHED from her life. Started dating a couple months later. Met my now 22 month GF a few months later and couldn't be happier. You know what? The ex did me a FAVOR.

 

 

The best part of this is the ex came back after me 5.5 months post break up. Wanted me back, all the classic BS. She was told not NO but hell no. I do wish her well cause holding grudges is useless. I have no doubt she's not going to change and what other guy she ends with will live the hell I allowed for far to long.

 

 

You're going to be fine.