moving on or trying for happiness again

[xxjustinukxx]

Hello Everyone,

 

My story is a familiar one to many of you im sure, but im finding myself in a situation that I just dont know how to deal with. Let me give you a little background and my story so far...

 

Over two years ago I got together with an incredible beautiful woman and things were going beautifully. It did go fast though, within a few months we both had began to get to know each others children (from our previous relationships).

 

The months rolled on and we decided it would be an idea to slow down and date. She said she felt smothered. We wanted to Have fun together, go out, not sail into a kind of married couple relationship, if that makes sense? But Soon after my girlfriend became ill and although my instincts were to go to her, look after her etc, but I didnt want to smother her, so I respected her wishes for space and told her id be there at a moments notice if she needed me. I texted and called regularly to see how she was. A few weeks later she told me I wasnt there for her and ended the relationship over the phone.

 

Months went by and she contacted me out of the blue and we met for coffee. It was nice and we discussed spending more time together. I asked when she was free. She gave me a time she was free, arranged a date and a babysitter. A few days before the date she told me some family problems had come up and she'd have to cancel. I told her it was cool, asked her to give me a shout when she was free and id rearrange. About two weeks later she said I hadnt changed, blocked me and said goodbye.

 

8 or 9 months have passed and absolutely no contact and ive been trying to move on. Then all of a sudden I get a message out of the blue saying hi how are you?

 

My problem is, after a few weeks of polite chit chat, I dont know whether to say goodbye for good? There have been hints from her about meeting up, asking me if ive met anyone and saying things like "anythings possible if you want it enough". And things like that. Im not interested in being friends, I still love her but am also not wanting to dive into anything fast.

 

I just dont know how to handle this. I spent so long pining for her and eventually started moving on. But now we're in touch and I dont know how to let her know how I feel without coming across too full on.

 

(To get a fuller idea of the history of this, have a look at my previous post regarding what went on between us (ive only posted a few times so its easy to find! )

 

Is there anyone there who can advise me? Id be so grateful!

 

J x

Edited June 18, 2015 by xxjustinukxx

[craw]

She's not worth your time or effort. IF she was a decent person, she wouldn't keep playing with your feelings like this.

[Robert Z]

Yes, my sense is that she is using you as an ego boost or a comfort zone when she needs one.

 

Put it to her straight up. You love her, you would love to be with her, but she can't keep jerking you around. Tell her how you feel and don't accept any more excuses or games. Be proactive.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Robert Z

[xxjustinukxx]

Thats the thing Robert, id really like to find a way of saying that in such a way that is firm but not to make me sound like an arrogant a$$, but at the same time not suggesting we dive bavk into anything as that wont work.

[PrettyEmily77]

Thats the thing Robert, id really like to find a way of saying that in such a way that is firm but not to make me sound like an arrogant a$$, but at the same time not suggesting we dive bavk into anything as that wont work.

 

How about this:

 

 

'Dear X,

 

 

I feel like we have been there before: you get in touch out of the blue, we exchange a few messages, I get my hopes up about something more developing between us, you disappear. It is difficult for me to make sense of what your intentions are. I have genuine feelings for you and would like to be able to spend time together and see where this could go, if this is what you want too. A friendship at this point is off the table, so I'd rather know now if you'd genuinely like to pursue something. If not, take care of yourself and all the best for the future.'

[Robert Z]

Thats the thing Robert, id really like to find a way of saying that in such a way that is firm but not to make me sound like an arrogant a$$, but at the same time not suggesting we dive bavk into anything as that wont work.

 

 

You can't be an arrogant ass if you're speaking from the heart.

[craw]

She should consider herself a lucky B - because seems like she can away from the relationship with you, she'll come back to you waiting for her.

 

 

I should try this.

[xxjustinukxx]

Pretty emily I took your advice and sent the message, got this reply...

 

"Ya know what I'm fed up of everything always being about other ppl and never bout me or any one caring bout my feelings, you move on if you feel you have to its your choice but boy that came outta the blue"

 

So I replied and said ive made my intentions clear. Weve since spent another week ish chit chatting and she wint tell me what her intentions are of if she feels like we have a shot. She mentioned difficulties from the past that still hit a nerve too.

 

I asked yesterday about meeting up and she said she'll let me know. And then finished with "grab your balls dont hide behind them". She also remarks if I dont text to say good morning etc and quizzes me if I dint reoly for a while, asking what im up to.

 

Very confused and unsure AGAIN!

[PrettyEmily77]

Pretty emily I took your advice and sent the message, got this reply...

 

"Ya know what I'm fed up of everything always being about other ppl and never bout me or any one caring bout my feelings, you move on if you feel you have to its your choice but boy that came outta the blue"

 

So I replied and said ive made my intentions clear. Weve since spent another week ish chit chatting and she wint tell me what her intentions are of if she feels like we have a shot. She mentioned difficulties from the past that still hit a nerve too.

 

I asked yesterday about meeting up and she said she'll let me know. And then finished with "grab your balls dont hide behind them". She also remarks if I dont text to say good morning etc and quizzes me if I dint reoly for a while, asking what im up to.

 

Very confused and unsure AGAIN!

 

 

Firstly, hats off for laying your cards on the table .

 

 

I've had a look at your other threads. Out of interest, have you ever cleared up the eye operation situation? If not, that needs sorting asap because she could very well be thinking about it still. Explain / apologise / do whatever you have to do to reassure her that you wanted to be there for her (warning: you may well have to take it on the chin and accept you did let her down, even if it wasn't your intention).

[xxjustinukxx]

Hello Pretty Emily, and thank you for your reply. Youre a diamond!

 

The eye problem situation is something ive tried and tried to explain. At the time we were taking a step back and she was feeling a bit smothered. Then her eye problem started, I kept in touch but kept my distance as she asked. Eventually she could barely see at all and so I got in touch with her mum, saying if she needs me for anything, to let me know and id be there. Time went on and I was still in touch with her mum. Soon after when she was better, she called and said I wasnt there for her, I should have just come over. And ended the relationship.

 

Ive tried to apologise and explain I did what I thought she wanted, but she still said it felt like I didnt care.

 

Even a few days ago she said its still raw, still an issue and she "aint jumping into no fire"

 

Yet she still contacts me, still aaks me if ive slept with anyone since her etc.

 

Im tired of the chit chat and the stewing over the past. But that doesn't mean im not prepared to deal with. I just have no idea how to move on and make some real progress.

[No Limit]

She's trying the emotional blackmailing route by making you feel guilty, and judging from your post it's working splendidly. She's looking for attention, and nothing else. Make it clear to her that you want her to back off. There's also glorious, glorious NC (= no contact) which will ensure you everything you need to move on.

[PrettyEmily77]

Hello Pretty Emily, and thank you for your reply. Youre a diamond!

 

The eye problem situation is something ive tried and tried to explain. At the time we were taking a step back and she was feeling a bit smothered. Then her eye problem started, I kept in touch but kept my distance as she asked. Eventually she could barely see at all and so I got in touch with her mum, saying if she needs me for anything, to let me know and id be there. Time went on and I was still in touch with her mum. Soon after when she was better, she called and said I wasnt there for her, I should have just come over. And ended the relationship.

 

Ive tried to apologise and explain I did what I thought she wanted, but she still said it felt like I didnt care.

 

Even a few days ago she said its still raw, still an issue and she "aint jumping into no fire"

 

Yet she still contacts me, still aaks me if ive slept with anyone since her etc.

 

Im tired of the chit chat and the stewing over the past. But that doesn't mean im not prepared to deal with. I just have no idea how to move on and make some real progress.

 

You're welcome, Justin .

 

 

I can understand your situation, and hers too if I'm honest. The fact she's hanging on to the past so tight, IME, tells me she doesn't feel like her feelings have been heard - as a matter of fact, she told you that a few times as well, it looks like. I also think she still cares for you, or she wouldn't be so ambivalent, IMO.

 

 

My advice would be to forget any explanation, and be prepared to swallow the whole humble pie (sorry man, the pride is gonna take a hit there ) - it's probs one of these times when only a pure apology can work.

 

 

Forex:

 

 

I've only just realised how much not being here when you needed me must have hurt you. I am genuinely sorry that I wasn't present during and after the operation; I should have known better. If there is a next time, I will follow my instinct and be here for you no matter what our situation is. [insert favourite mushy expression of your feelings here].

 

 

 

 

Get prepared to get your ears chewed off for a bit - I predict a bit of a back and forth on the issue; all healthy if you truly and genuinely want to get her back, though.

[xxjustinukxx]

Hi again everyone!,

 

I first want to thank you for all your help. Every single one of you.

 

After swallowing my pride and spelling out exactly what I want, and how im sorry for what happened in the past, and almost a week of nice chit chat, she finally said that all she can offer at the moment is to meet up, chat and see where it goes. Thats exactly what I want and we arranged to meet this Monday for lunch and a chat.

 

Yesterday we swapped a couple of "hi how are you" texts

She asked me about my plans for the weekend etc. This was at about 4pm.

 

I went out all day with the kids, shopping, phone died, had car trouble and got home fed tge kids, and finally got to sit down and reply just after ten pm. By then she'd texted me to say I obviously don't really care after all.

 

A few texts later and she tells me if I cared id make an effort, "but thats just me" (her).

 

Im drained from all this and wondering what to do. Thinking of cutting her loose now. I dont know what to say.

 

Anyone still there and can help or advise?

 

Xx

[PrettyEmily77]

Hi again everyone!,

 

I first want to thank you for all your help. Every single one of you.

 

After swallowing my pride and spelling out exactly what I want, and how im sorry for what happened in the past, and almost a week of nice chit chat, she finally said that all she can offer at the moment is to meet up, chat and see where it goes. Thats exactly what I want and we arranged to meet this Monday for lunch and a chat.

 

Yesterday we swapped a couple of "hi how are you" texts

She asked me about my plans for the weekend etc. This was at about 4pm.

 

I went out all day with the kids, shopping, phone died, had car trouble and got home fed tge kids, and finally got to sit down and reply just after ten pm. By then she'd texted me to say I obviously don't really care after all.

 

A few texts later and she tells me if I cared id make an effort, "but thats just me" (her).

 

Im drained from all this and wondering what to do. Thinking of cutting her loose now. I dont know what to say.

 

Anyone still there and can help or advise?

 

Xx

 

 

Well, you've tried everything humanly possible to get her back so from that perspective, you can't have any regrets. The fact you feel so drained is concerning, TBH. Stop the texts and wait to see her on Monday, if you still both want it; this rollercoaster doesn't seem like a fun ride at all.

 

 

All I can say is that if you feel more unhappy, off balance and an emotional wreck than excitingly anticipating meeting her, something is amiss.

 

 

I was in a RL for the best part of 3 years with a guy prone to paranoia. He used to control me emotionally and I felt so oppressed I eventually had to let him go, despite how strongly I felt for him. It took me a good couple of years, a lot of tearful nights and my self-esteem in tatters to finally see how destructive that RL was, but I don't regret seeing it through because it least I know I tried everything I could to salvage it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm a woman and after reading everything - twice, this is what, in your shoes I would say to her:

 

"F*** you, F*** Monday and F*** your inconsistent crap.

I'm done here.

Do not ever contact me again, because you will just be wasting your breath, your time and your money.

I really don't care any more.

But I can hold my head up high, because I know I NEVER gave YOU mixed messages, and I have ALWAYS been here for you.

But you re now responsible for this break up.

Congratulations, you screwed up. Again."

 

You've been patient, polite, considerate and generous, for long enough.

Everyone has their limits.

 

She just hit mine.

I honestly think they should be yours, too.

[compulsivedancer]

Hi again everyone!,

 

I first want to thank you for all your help. Every single one of you.

 

After swallowing my pride and spelling out exactly what I want, and how im sorry for what happened in the past, and almost a week of nice chit chat, she finally said that all she can offer at the moment is to meet up, chat and see where it goes. Thats exactly what I want and we arranged to meet this Monday for lunch and a chat.

 

Yesterday we swapped a couple of "hi how are you" texts

She asked me about my plans for the weekend etc. This was at about 4pm.

 

I went out all day with the kids, shopping, phone died, had car trouble and got home fed tge kids, and finally got to sit down and reply just after ten pm. By then she'd texted me to say I obviously don't really care after all.

 

A few texts later and she tells me if I cared id make an effort, "but thats just me" (her).

 

Im drained from all this and wondering what to do. Thinking of cutting her loose now. I dont know what to say.

 

Anyone still there and can help or advise?

 

Xx

 

This woman is needy, needy, needy. You aren't even dating and she wants you to be available at every moment. You will never be able to satisfy her. It will always be either too much or too little.

 

If she was like this before, then this is just part of her personality. If not, then she still holds the operation against you and probably always will. Either way, I don't think you're going to be successful here.

[Elleque]

I think this woman is just a really, really bad communicator. She expects you to be a mind reader but won't actually tell you what she needs. I think she is looking for one last huge effort on your part to "woo" her back. Lots of attention and texts to prove you're serious, however she's not telling you this, just magically expects you to know.

 

If somehow you do end up getting back together expect thr whole relationship to be like this. Her expecting you to be a mind reader and you doing the "wrong" thing all the time because you don't know what she wants.

[xxjustinukxx]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive read and re read every reply youve all so kindly added to this thread, so now im giving you all the most recent update which despite what my heart says, must surely mean its time to say goodbye.

 

What do you think?

 

After some more talking and general chit chat with my ex, and a lot of soul searching, I decided to go ahead and meet her on the monday mentioned. I told her I dont want to bounce any texts back and forward, just to get together and see each other and see where it goes. I told her id be there monday, arrived when I said I would and said id wait ten minutes, if she wanted to meet up she knew where id be. She texted me when I arrived and we spent a few hours together chatting, it was really good, laughing, enjoying each others company.

 

We carried on texting since and I mentioned meeting again, she said maybe the following week. So the chit chat continued. Then comes the "youve not replied for three hours that means you dont care" messages and saying ive not changed etc. Despite me explaining I cant always reply immediately Because im seeing to the kids usually. Despite this she says taking a few hours to reply to a message is "madness".

 

So I try again to assure her I cant prove a damn thing by text messages and I want to see her

Then the reply comes saying that its too much like hard work and I know where she is if I decide to put my words into actions and stop messing with her head!

 

Wtf?

 

Im so upset angry frustrated and drained. Surely I can do no more? And I should take earlier advice and say goodbye? Trouble is I find that thought really hard. But its the right thing to do? What do you guys think?

[TaraMaiden2]

......Im so upset angry frustrated and drained. Surely I can do no more? And I should take earlier advice and say goodbye? Trouble is I find that thought really hard. But its the right thing to do? What do you guys think?

 

You have already answered your own question.

 

ve read and re read every reply ....so now im giving you all the most recent update which .....must surely mean its time to say goodbye

 

Yup. Got it in one.

 

 

Further discussion with her - or us, even - is redundant.

[xxjustinukxx]

I really appreciate all the effort you all went to, in reading my posts, and I have began the NC (no contact) approach. I can move on knowing I did everything humanly possible.

 

Thank you all!