JaneyJ1991 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Been seeing guy for 3 months now. This weekend we were at a function with his sister, and while he was out of the room, his sister introduced me to her friends as quote, "My brother's sort of girlfriend". We were drunk, it wasn't offensive at all. Of course..it makes wonder if I should be evaluating things with her brother.Currently: *We've been seeing each other on average 2 times a week for the last 3 months. And he has never, brought up the topic of "what is this". No talk of being exclusive. I'd assume he's seeing other girls, but I don't really see proof of it. *The finding a condom meltdown last month really killed a lot for me. It took any trust I have. *It doesn't help that often when I'm there, he'll yell, "Don't go in my room!" But then I run up there..And there's nothing. *He doesn't mention the future. No plans are ever made. *I've been invited to family functions, so this is good. *We don't know if he has herpes or not. He's at the point where the confirmation testing would now tell him for certain, yet he's made no effort to get it done, and hasn't talked about it in 3 weeks. So therefore he's not on antivirals, and he's not had the blot, so we can't have sex. *I WONDER if he's sexually into me, or if he's sleeping with someone else (and just lying--because I've asked). Because he doesn't even want to do "safe" sexual things with me now--He's turned down mutual masturbation a couple weeks ago, and phone sex. He writes erotic things in text, but in person/on the phone there's no follow through anymore. It makes me feel really terrible about myself, like what's wrong with me? He's 25. And if he hasn't had sex in 3 months, why would he just not want to touch me at all? *He's still on tinder. Active 2 hours ago. He says he doesn't talk to girls from there. *This is probably irrelevant, but he drives an older car with 230,000 miles on it, that NEEDS work done to it. Badly. And he doesn't do anything to it. And for whatever reason, that doesn't impress me. Yet he also isn't attempting to save for a better vehicle either. *There's a long distance ex, who he was with for 2.5 years, and broke up with in February, who he's still friends with on facebook. And although I haven't asked..As of May they still talked. I'm at the point where I kind of like not having a commitment, but I also feel like if anything was ever going to, it should be headed that way. I deleted tinder yesterday. Because it sucks. So if I stop seeing him, I'll probably just be single. It's a small town, and there's not a lot of guys my age here. Which is fine. I'm okay with spending time by myself. He's not bad to me. He doesn't belittle me. He's not aggressive. He puts up with a lot. He's there for me on my bad days and good. Thoughts? Opinions? Edited June 17, 2015 by JaneyJ1991
StalwartMind Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Sounds like there is better boyfriend material out there and you should perhaps consider it. I'm not really sure why people stay in relationships or put up with things that they sincerely dislike. Sure it's great he doesn't belittle you or is aggressive, but aren't those expected anyway? That he still uses tinder and what not, is to me a signal that he doesn't quite "feel" you are in a committed/possible long term relationship. I understand people do things different, but I think that any respectable partner would disable their profile when seeing someone, especially for the period of time you two have. By all means, there are a lot worse men out there, but perhaps yes you should consider finding someone eventually who is more in alignment with your own goals, desires. In regards to intimacy, even for a guy that seems a bit unusual, considering how much most actually would adore to have someone like you. You can wonder at times what is going through people's minds, and in that sense it is often best to ask, but granted you may not get the answers you seek. Personally I'd tell you to go, but it's really not up for me to decide (naturally so), maybe you'll find his redeeming qualities to be enough to see this through for awhile longer. 2
Satu Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I hate to say it, but your relationship sounds pretty worthless. Why bother keeping it going? It doesn't seem that either of you are enjoying it very much. Go to Natalie Lue's blog, and read as much as you can. 1
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm at the point where I kind of like not having a commitment, but I also feel like if anything was ever going to, it should be headed that way. I deleted tinder yesterday. Because it sucks. So if I stop seeing him, I'll probably just be single. It's a small town, and there's not a lot of guys my age here. Which is fine. I'm okay with spending time by myself. He's not bad to me. He doesn't belittle me. He's not aggressive. He puts up with a lot. He's there for me on my bad days and good. Thoughts? Opinions? So what's the problem?
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 So what's the problem? You're not happy but not sure why because after all you're not in a relationship and you don't want to be in one. You could always end it, you'd be single but you're ok with that. So what's the problem?
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm confused. You're questioning his sexual interest, when you're the one who doesn't want to have sex with him. I mean it's been three months and all you want to do is mutual masturbation and phone sex? If I was in that situation where I was teased for weeks on end, I'd be frustrated and pulling away too. Based on how you've acted the whole time with this guy, it seems like you've got one foot in and one foot out. You even told him awhile back that you were fine with him seeing other women. That doesn't sound like the actions of a woman who is fully invested. So why should he be? 1
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Go. the sister was being kind when she characterized you as his "sort of" GF. You think he's lazy. He's still active on Tinder (hello huge indicator that you are not the only woman in his life) You don't care for your sex life or lack there of. He won't let you in his room. What's up with that? whatever the condom melt down was (sounds bad) and you don't really trust him or believe what he tells you. Where is the upside to this "relationship"?
joseb Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 How do you know he is still active on Tinder unless you are?
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) I know he's active on tinder, because I decided to reinstall it today, and look. I looked, I saw, I deleted it again. I shouldn't have even looked. I was fine with him seeing other women--heck I'm okay with it if that's what he wants. But at the same time..it also shows he never wants to move towards committing to seeing just me. To me that says "you're not that special, or I would lock this down." I dated a guy a few months back--he knew. He knew within 2 weeks. He deleted tinder, and told me he just wanted to see me. That's an awesome feeling. I'm not a romantic, but I remember a time, just a few years ago, when someone got me flowers every couple months, and I remember a time much more recently than that, where the guy I was dating would CALL me. For no other reason than to just call me and see how my day was. I didn't think those things were unusual, or high standards. But I'm torn. Last night I had a really bad day, and it all just kind of came to a head, and I came over, and studied, and he made me food for the first time ever (in reheated pasta and put sauce on it), and that was touching. That seemed really sweet. Oh, one other thing--He never calls me. Like ever. If something is wrong (ie, oh hey, I found a condom wrapper in your room, and I'm leaving, goodbye), he calls. Or if we have to make immediate decisions, he calls. Or if I need to get ahold of him, I'll call. But he never ever calls me. I could go 4-5 days without seeing him, and he still wouldn't call just to talk to me or check in. Edited June 18, 2015 by JaneyJ1991
smackie9 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated......if not, it's just a waste of YOUR time. 2
yellowhibiscus Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 My first reaction to this situation comes after what you said at the end- he's not bad to you, isn't aggressive, doesn't belittle you. Has this happened to you in the past? It seems like you may be just settling because, i'll be honest with you, belittling and aggression is abuse and should NEVER be tolerated. That being said, it doesn't seem like he's being honest with you and if it were me, if my guy was on tinder I would run for the hills.
minime13 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Oh my goodness you should GO. Given all of your previous threads, it seems like you are slowly torturing him. I don't mean to be rude, but Jesus, girl. This thing was DOA months ago, and you're still dragging around the carcass. Please for the sake of the both of you, GO. 1
PogoStick Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Your anxiety and paranoia with herpes is probably a huge turn off to him. I just read that thread too and your reactions are extreme. I expect that isn't the only area of your life filled with anxiety and paranoia. Rather than worry about this man (which isn't a serious relationship) you should seek out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a licensed therapist to get your mind and emotions into a healthier state. Yes, end this relationship and avoid any new ones for at least 6 months.
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) Just a side note for the people who have mentioned anxiety: Slight bit of backstory. In January, I left a professional school program that I hated, and was forced to move back in with my parents in the short term after it while I re formulate a plan for my life. I was raised by a very emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive father, and a mother that can go either way. And now I live with these people again. If I have anxiety and fear..It's not all from this guy. And it's not all my own creation. They also make dating as hard as possible (I have a midnight curfew on all days of the week, at 23 years old, I get punished if I come home even at 11:50 before that curfew because it's "so late", they insist on me telling them if I leave after dark, sometimes I'm not allowed to go out or go anywhere just because). Also, 2.5 years ago I WAS in a relationship with a guy who cheated, and ended up assaulting me. My view of men is a little different than it was at 19-20. But back to the point of the thread: We went to a movie last night. And on the phone later I asked him where we stood, for the first time ever, and mentioned the tinder thing. He basically told me some BS about how he's "always been afraid of committing to girls, even his ex. And how he's not really looking for other girls on tinder, but he doesn't want a girlfriend, either. That he's not financially stable enough to have a girlfriend." I feel like this is a bunch of B.S. because if I was the right girl, the idea of this going somewhere, and becoming more serious, wouldn't terrify him. Also, I don't mooch off of him--I pay for things too. So I don't think a relationship costs anymore than casually dating. TL;DR: I basically summarize what he told me, this morning, as "I'm not ever going to let this get more serious with you." But quote, "I love the time I spend with you. Isn't that enough? That we hang out?" And he even told me, "If you got a boyfriend, we could still hang out as friends." Suddenly, it makes sense why he hasn't tried to go on antivirals, or get confirmation testing about herpes. It makes sense why he doesn't take me on dinner dates or plan for us to make dinner together ever. It makes sense why he doesn't mention camping in July. I am the fun, "fill in" girl. The "til something better comes along" girl. So I think it's time to cut ties today. If he doesn't see it going anywhere ever, I think the spending time together is just a waste of both our time. The only thing I need to figure out what to do with is I have his hoodie. So I'll need to figure out how to get that back to him. Edited June 19, 2015 by JaneyJ1991
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Mail his hoodie back to him and wish him well.. Next.... Happy to hear you have sorted this out.... 1
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Also...I just reinstalled tinder on my phone again, to satisfy my nagging curiousity about something: it says he was online at 3 am. After we got off the phone, and had this conversation? Instesd of going to sleep, he went right on tinder. His clothes are in the wash. We're both off work today. I'll call him after he wakes up.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Just a side note for the people who have mentioned anxiety: Slight bit of backstory. In January, I left a professional school program that I hated, and was forced to move back in with my parents in the short term after it while I re formulate a plan for my life. I was raised by a very emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive father, and a mother that can go either way. And now I live with these people again. If I have anxiety and fear..It's not all from this guy. And it's not all my own creation. They also make dating as hard as possible (I have a midnight curfew on all days of the week, at 23 years old, I get punished if I come home even at 11:50 before that curfew because it's "so late", they insist on me telling them if I leave after dark, sometimes I'm not allowed to go out or go anywhere just because). Also, 2.5 years ago I WAS in a relationship with a guy who cheated, and ended up assaulting me. My view of men is a little different than it was at 19-20. But back to the point of the thread: We went to a movie last night. And on the phone later I asked him where we stood, for the first time ever, and mentioned the tinder thing. He basically told me some BS about how he's "always been afraid of committing to girls, even his ex. And how he's not really looking for other girls on tinder, but he doesn't want a girlfriend, either. That he's not financially stable enough to have a girlfriend." I feel like this is a bunch of B.S. because if I was the right girl, the idea of this going somewhere, and becoming more serious, wouldn't terrify him. Also, I don't mooch off of him--I pay for things too. So I don't think a relationship costs anymore than casually dating. TL;DR: I basically summarize what he told me, this morning, as "I'm not ever going to let this get more serious with you." But quote, "I love the time I spend with you. Isn't that enough? That we hang out?" And he even told me, "If you got a boyfriend, we could still hang out as friends." Suddenly, it makes sense why he hasn't tried to go on antivirals, or get confirmation testing about herpes. It makes sense why he doesn't take me on dinner dates or plan for us to make dinner together ever. It makes sense why he doesn't mention camping in July. I am the fun, "fill in" girl. The "til something better comes along" girl. So I think it's time to cut ties today. If he doesn't see it going anywhere ever, I think the spending time together is just a waste of both our time. The only thing I need to figure out what to do with is I have his hoodie. So I'll need to figure out how to get that back to him. Wait wait wait, he has not said anything new. Since the beginning you told us you were not officially dating and you were ok with the 'arrangement' you had because you did not want a relationship yourself anyway !! So why now be all offended that he sees you as a friend?
PogoStick Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I never said your emotional issues are you fault, or this man's. I only suggested you get treatment for them. You just admitted to having abusive parents, and now you're living with them again. That's traumatic! How did I know? It's obvious you need therapy. Appreciate the straight-forward advice rather than feel offended or defensive. I'll say it again. Men should be off your radar for at least 6 months while you get treatment and your life in order.
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