Didn't see it coming

[nikto]

It's hard to know where to start.

 

We've been dating for six years. Six great years, and both of us are in our mid 20s. The first time we got together, it got way too intense, way too quickly, and she ended it; and then, a year later, fate pushed us together again. It was great, we were best friends, had tonnes of fun together. Moved cities so she could get her degree, and eventually moved 1000s of km to her home country. We were rock solid, and I really thought she was the one.

 

Looking back on it, there were signs that things weren't going right during the past few months; signs I did not interpret correctly, and that she didn't communicate. The first problem is the country we are living in. It's super small and our social life was poor. We spent 90% of our free time together, which is not good. We were making plans to move back to Europe this year and decided we would ride it out until I could get more experience at a really good job I landed. I was spending a lot of time at work, and she was not really occupying herself, and it seems, she became bored.

 

Three weeks ago is when it came to a head. I found out that she had been texting a guy that she met on a work trip. I was on her phone and saw a text she wrote saying that she had feelings for him and did not know how long we would last. I confronted her, told her to decide what she wanted, and left our apartment. When I got back, she was clearly upset and kept saying sorry, that it did not mean anything and she was just trying to get a jolt of excitement. I had reservations, but forgave her, because she had never done anything like this in the past, and I have never had any reason to doubt her faithfulness. I put it down to this situation we were in: bored, working a lot and looking forward to moving home.

 

Except, despite promising me she would not contact him again, she did. I found out a week ago that she had been secretly texting him behind my back and confronted her. Her excuse was that she knew I'd get mad, he was just a friend and she did not want to break off contact. Yeah, I know. To cut a long story short, she said she felt we were just too close and she needed space to figure out who she is and what she wants. That she feels she has never been fully independent, and wants to know that she can rely on herself. That she has never lived for herself, but for us, and that she doesn't know who she is. I think it was just a way of letting me down softly.

 

The thing is, I love this girl to bits. She was my first, I was hers, its that kind of story. Admittedly, my first reactions was pathetic, but I was unprepared. Since then, I have tried to go NC, but its nigh on impossible because I live in an apartment owned by her family, and it does not make sense to get my own place as I will now be leaving the country soon, after I tie up some loose ends at my workplace. She has in the meantime moved to her parent's place, which is really close by.

 

Her mum has told me that she misses me and cries. Her friends also say that she's still "very much in love" with me, but just needs some time alone. This puts me in precarious position. Even though I have lost trust, I would be willing to give her a second chance to prove her feelings, because I believe we're good together and love dies hard. She was the love of my life and the time we spent together was always happy. People have just been completely shocked to hear of what's happened.

 

So, to the present moment. I am not initiating contact with her, but I do reply to her texts. I have seen her a few times, and she acts really bashful. I asked her why and she said she felt awkward, but she did add that she really misses me. I tried to take her hand, to probe a bit, but she slipped away fast. Now, she texted me asking if I want to hang out and watch TV tomorrow, and I accepted, but now I have mixed feelings about this. She might be feeling lonely and just wants to hang out as friends, and I'm not willing to be friend zoned.

 

Should I cancel it? Say I'm too tired or something? Or should I see where it goes, keep it light, and see if she has anything to say? I'm at a crossroads. A part of me doesn't want to give up, because I love her deeply and we are good together, but another part is pissed off that she lied, and is ready to move on, however hard it may be. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

[aloneinaz]

Ultimately, you need to do what you feel is right for you. If you think you should go tomorrow and watch TV, then do it. I think by doing this you're prolonging the agony of the eventual break up that's coming, one way or another.

 

 

This site is littered with threads just like this. Kids who meet in their late teens, spend years together being each others firsts. One of them gets bored and wants more experiences in dating others. They don't want to get engaged or serious w/their first sexual partner nor their first love.

 

 

You know that what she did was cheating on you. She simply wants/needs to have more relationship experience. Honestly, you should want the same before getting married. I get that you love her to bits and want to fight for her but.. you've already broken up once and she's trying to end it again. You can't make someone re-engage with their whole heart if their heart isn't in it anymore.

 

 

Her texting you and wanting to hang out is to help her ease out of the relationship. She's trying to friend zone you. I wouldn't do it. Again, she wants her freedom. Your best bet is to let her know you're going to cut all communication so you can move on and heal from this.

[nikto]

Thanks. It hurts reading that, but deep down I think you are right.

 

Aren't there exceptions to the rule ? One of my colleagues went through the same thing; in the end they got back together, and she is now carrying their first child.

[Lizrd3000]

Me and my ex broke up for the exact same reason, and she also hid it from me because she ''knew it'd hurt me''. But if they truly cared about not hurting us, they wouldn't be doing this.

 

It's just an excuse man, a really f*cking bad one.

 

You really have to cut all contact and live for yourself. Do the same thing she's doing, get experience from this and move on to your next partner, and the one after that etc. Move out as soon as you can, so you can leave this long chapter of your life behind.

 

She's too immature to be in a adult relationship with you. She needs more experience, which is okay, but she really puled a b*tch move on you. I'm sure she has cheated on you, I'm sorry.

 

Use that anger to move on. Grieve for a while, but don't dwell in it.

I use the anger I have for motivation to better myself, and hopefully land in a more loving relationship the next time. Maybe you should try the same.

[Radu]

Me and my ex broke up for the exact same reason, and she also hid it from me because she ''knew it'd hurt me''. But if they truly cared about not hurting us, they wouldn't be doing this.

 

It's just an excuse man, a really f*cking bad one.

Agreed, it has 2 possible interpretations and neither is good :

- what you don't know won't hurt you ... great thing for a future relationship and a life spent together, right ?

- the more selfish one, by not knowing you do not get to make a decision ... a decision has been made for you. She is removing choice from you ... the saying was 'if you love someone, let them go free', some love she has for you.

 

You really have to cut all contact and live for yourself. Do the same thing she's doing, get experience from this and move on to your next partner, and the one after that etc. Move out as soon as you can, so you can leave this long chapter of your life behind.

This is the only option OP.

You do things with her without being a couple and you are supplicating to her.

Why do you have to do nice things with her ?; why do you have to be there for her ?

Do you need reminding of who caused this OP ?

[nikto]

Thanks, Radu and Lizrd3000. Its like reading what I know is true but don't want to admit.

 

Would your responses change in the following context? When I first found out she was texting him, the texts had just crossed the barrier from friendly to flirty. What she wrote was something along the lines of; I have feelings for you, I'm in a relationship but I don't know how long it will last, and I don't want to cross any lines while I'm in a relationship. And then, two weeks later, when I found out she was still in contact, I didn't read everything, but the messages seemed more friendly in tone than romantic. I 100% believe she hasn't slept with him. Is this salvageable?

 

Oh man, I've been feeling good these past few days, but I'm in pain again. What's worse is that my family and friends are halfway around the world, and I have nothing in this country apart from myself. I would move apartments, but finding a place to rent for only two months before I leave is really difficult. A part of me still thinks that maybe we can work this out. I'm very conflicted right now. 6 years is a long time to be together just to walk away.

[aloneinaz]

Thanks, Radu and Lizrd3000. Its like reading what I know is true but don't want to admit.

 

Would your responses change in the following context? When I first found out she was texting him, the texts had just crossed the barrier from friendly to flirty. What she wrote was something along the lines of; I have feelings for you, I'm in a relationship but I don't know how long it will last, and I don't want to cross any lines while I'm in a relationship. And then, two weeks later, when I found out she was still in contact, I didn't read everything, but the messages seemed more friendly in tone than romantic. I 100% believe she hasn't slept with him. Is this salvageable?

 

Oh man, I've been feeling good these past few days, but I'm in pain again. What's worse is that my family and friends are halfway around the world, and I have nothing in this country apart from myself. I would move apartments, but finding a place to rent for only two months before I leave is really difficult. A part of me still thinks that maybe we can work this out. I'm very conflicted right now. 6 years is a long time to be together just to walk away.

 

 

You know she was emotionally cheating on you. She was lining up this guy or keeping in on the back burner till she got the courage to dump you. No, I don't think you should try to salvage it. If she was super happy with you, those texts would of never taken place.

 

 

You need to move on. If you got back together, she'd still not be 100% happy and would still be looking at other guys. You couldn't trust her again.

[GoBlue]

To cut a long story short, she said she felt we were just too close and she needed space to figure out who she is and what she wants. That she feels she has never been fully independent, and wants to know that she can rely on herself. That she has never lived for herself, but for us, and that she doesn't know who she is. I think it was just a way of letting me down softly...Now, she texted me asking if I want to hang out and watch TV tomorrow, and I accepted, but now I have mixed feelings about this...Should I cancel it? Say I'm too tired or something? Or should I see where it goes, keep it light, and see if she has anything to say? I'm at a crossroads. A part of me doesn't want to give up, because I love her deeply and we are good together, but another part is pissed off that she lied, and is ready to move on, however hard it may be. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

First and foremost, the whole "I've never lived for myself just us" thing is normal language that someone uses to excuse ending a relationship or wanting a separation. Can I ask a simple question? Why have you been together for six years, living together for much of that time, but still not married? What were you waiting for? Cohabiting does not encourage commitment but actually deters from it. Most young women do not want to be "cohabiting partners" for an extended period of time.

 

The other thing that sticks out is this "we're too close" thing. What in the world do the two of you think that marriage and commitment are all about? It's about bonding together in an exclusive relationship where you grow in intimacy and knowledge of one another. That is, you get close. I would not want to be married to a partner who thinks we are "too close." What would be the point of the relationship? I don't know if you should follow through on your date or not, but I do believe that you should be honest with her. You are so angry with her because she was dishonest with you it seems hypocritical to now turn around and be dishonest with her. Have you considered just telling her flat out that you are not ready to spend time with her in that manner because you are still very hurt by her actions? Needing time and space is a two-way street and just going back to this kind of interaction does nothing to confront the real issues between the two of you. How about going to see a counselor, mentor, or spiritual guide?

[nikto]

Thanks GoBlue for your questions. They have made me reflect deeply. I don't have an answer for why we're not married. I was thinking of proposing next year, when we would have moved back to Europe, where we were going to stay long term...

 

I don't personally think we're too close; that's what relationships are for, for you to rely on one another. But I think there should be breathing room, which we didn't have.

 

That said, the "date" is in 30 minutes, and I don't feel I can cancel it now, because it looks too contradictory. If I find an opportunity to tell how how angry I am, then I will, but if she acts a bit aloof and friendly, then I think its a sure sign that there's no reason to, because her heart has already left the building.