Live with my ex she plays mind games. Where both girls and its time to stop her.

[chelseamoon]

LESBIAN WHO LIVES WITH HER EX WHO TREATS HER LIKE DIRT?Ryt need no how to play this have asked all my mates and they all have mixed opinions. Basically after 3 years my ex gf broke up with me, said didn't fancy me. (keep in mind I'm a girl too) 6 mts later she still lives with me but in extension of the house. last month we have got on ok agin friends. One night after a few drinks I asked her Wat she felt she said she still fancied me and days she wants to kiss me but won't and wud hate see me with another girl but wud have to be ok with it as she ended it. Den didn't wanna talk about it anymore. The next day i told her that i still love her and wud she give us another chance as I now no i could of been better gf as she felt I was a lil controlling and for the kids( yes 2 kids sadly involved from prev relationships, one is hers and other is mine but there like sisters,hence reason I'm trying sort this too). I said just gimme a chance to show u i can make her happy as iv never really got over her. She said that she just wanted to be friends and didn't wanna talk about relationships or getting back together. She knows i love her but I had to accept she didn't want me.and then today i seen she had a message from her ex gf who lives in Dublin that really * me off, iv told her before but wen I asked why ye talkin, ye friends now ya? She just smerked and said i can be friends with whoever. So i left it at that act like i wasn't bothered. I no i shouldn't care but we had a lovely family, did get on great but I was sick of been the only one doing all the talking and chasing. I'm nothin but to nice to her and all i feel like she does is walk over me cus she knows I'm soft and love her and hides away in her part of house in evening even doh iv said come out sometimes and hang. So also only comes out during the day if it's to talk about bills or kids then goes back hiding but let's her child out. I no im an absolute mug taking it but I can't help i love her and I can't ask her to move out due to kids and bills at the mo. Tell me what ud do to play this besides moving so that she will come running to me or want me or what u recommend. Sorry its long just given all my view on it because I'm so frustrated x :@ thanks

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok, by my reckoning you've posted this exact same problem... God, I've lost count*.... and received a ton of advice.

 

before you get loads and loads more good advice, could you just explain exactly, please, why you've so far ignored every single word?

 

Thanks....

 

(*19. 19 times the same problem.)

Edited June 17, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[chelseamoon]

Im a lesbian who lives with my gf well ex gf who broke up with me few months ago saying didn't have feelings for me anymore. It has been hard for me to let go as i still do have feelings for her and she knows it but says doesnt want a rel and wants to be friends and for me to stop trying or asking. So ok!

Reason we still live together is we both have a child each from past rel and there like sisters. My ex if not working spends all her time in extension of house she moved into and has all needs so doesnt have to come out to me and doesnt unless asking about bills or kids. I have tried so hard to stop showing my feelings and try friends but its always me asking her to do stuff. One day she came out with a alcohol drink for me she made and was about to go when i said join me sit lets hang. After few drinks i told her i miss her and sorry for anything iv done to hurt her and let me show her i can make things great for us all. She laughed in my face said that she didnt want hang alone as afraid ^il try something ^ and cant trust me and to stop asking that didnt fancy me (all with a cold smile on her face as said). Now shes back to been snobby and hiding away. Shes going away abroad now for 2 weeks soon to her family. should i exnore her or how do i behave because when home i try do stuff together and with kids and get her to hang out or whatver but she keeps making me feel like crap and never asks me unless i feel its to entertain her child. All my friends say iv done so much for her and her child i spoilt them and now shes playing on the fact she knows she clicks her fingers then shes got me. If i ask does she wanna go cinema just hang she smerks and waits till i ask again till answers. She never used to be like this. We were so in love then she just became all about her and her child and when my child sees her in garden she plays with her but doesnt spend time with her or ask me or her how are day is. Its weird and sad its got like this. She has said she will always love me but feelings gone. Starts even playing the im straight card now in joke way and says not intrested in anyone wants to be alone she told me. Advice pls on how i should be when she returns x ty

[jen1447]

You have no choice but to respect her wishes, sorry. Treat her like a platonic friend and stop trying to get back in.

 

It's unfortunate you're still right there next to each other, that must be difficult. But it doesn't change the reality. Hopefully when you get things in check she'll start acting appropriately toward you. If she still doesn't or tries to "click her fingers" to get you to jump, you'll probably have to box her out entirely.

 

Do you really have to live together? I think the kids would probably survive living apart.

 

{hugs}

[NopeNah]

I'm friends with gay men and women... I must say.. You guy's have it rough from what I've,personally seen and been told. BUT...It's no different than any other relationship.. In Your case you either need her and her kid to move,or you and your kid move. The kids don't need to be around the drama,neither do you. Why live in misery/hiding? Time to get a plan together and execute it.

[chelseamoon]

My ex gf broke up with me 6 months ago after 3 years .

We still live together as we have a child each from past relationships. Anyways after few months of space, fights and stubborn arguments we finally came to an agreement to try get on.. (i made first contact to talk as always) anyways unfortunately I still love her and she knows it she doesn't want me only as friend she said. She explained I W's controlling and wanted to no her every move and she wasn't happy that's why she ended it and yes I may have been (punished her for alot of stuff from my past rel with my child's father) wasn't her fault as she didn't no me then just took me to see how much i loved her when lost her. I really seen all my lazy ways and bad habits and have changed myself so much by been a better person for her but mostly my child. But she still only wants be friends. only thing that's frustrating me now is. Last couple weeks since we had her chat (o I must throw in also that around that time she admitted she has met her ex who she nos I don't like for closure as she hadn't seen in 2 years and felt ahe had to have closure and forgive to move on) i hated it but accepted to show Im better but she nos that hurts me and she's rob still chatting to her but says there friends who just live DIFFRENT county's) anyways she had started to make more effort. Chatting me more, laughing, coming into sitting room during day, going places with kids, etc (we don't live same part of house she's in extension) but then it's like few days later she back to her again. Hiding in her part, barely says two words, doesn't come out in eve, says busy if i ask, but then I'm good enough when she wants something or child minded sometimes. I no im a fool loving her and im not perfect but I feel used and holding hope thats pointless. She can be so nice somedays I just don't get this hot., touching my arm laughing. Watching me when she thinks I.don't see, plays with my child, asks only sometimes how kids are and then this cold barely talk, exnores my child, all about her and her child's day and feelings, distant person. What the hell do I do because exnoring doesnt work only makes worse. Been super nice is only thing but I get pissed off being nice and nothing in return (she prob thinks o she loves me i got her if want & she's right) i cant ask her to move out just yet so need any other advice how i should be around her to get her running to me. Sorry about bad spelling.

[chelseamoon]

Help guys. I dunno what to feel or think anymore. Me a lesbian has 2 kids from past rel, i got into a relationship 3 years ago wit another girl who had a baby from one night stand. So 3 kids involved unfortunately. Anyways after being a family for 3 years she ended it, said she didnt fancy me anymore, but still lived together a year later now in different parts of house as friends and for kids.

Unfortunately i still always had feelings but she doesn't. The last 3""months we got on fantastic i and even people who saw us even felt she was liking me again, she would get funny if saw me talk other girls or play fight with me like smack my bum, but stupid me after i asked her one night does she maybe like me again a little and how she felt she laughed and nodded no and said no I dont fancy or love you anymore. It crushed me. Then to add insult to injury shw said get over it already its been a year, what u waiting for my permission to date someone else so i just said u no what i dont want u because that's not love and i dont no u and i deserve better and u seem to have alot of anger with me so sort it.(then i went to bed and just said good night) Im so hurt, who is she. She shows no care or emotion and sees it hurts me but doesnt care. Shes fantastic with my kids and they Adore her. But last few days i feel angry, i dont want to talk to her but will answr nice if she asks anythin. But now shes become more distant a little again, hiding away in room in eve and i hate been like this with her but it hurts so bad. I just dunno how i should behave around her from now on. I feel i want the rejecter to be rejected and no what it feels like or show her im truly done now fighting for her and she lost someone who really did love her. Help!!

[casey.lives]

this is why breaking up, requires BREAKING UP! living together, really??!!

[chelseamoon]

Help guys. I dunno what to feel or think anymore. Me a lesbian has 2 kids from past rel, i got into a relationship 3 years ago wit another girl who had a baby from one night stand. So 3 kids involved unfortunately. Anyways after being a family for 3 years she ended it, said she didnt fancy me anymore, but still lived together a year later now in different parts of house as friends and for kids.

Unfortunately i still always had feelings but she doesn't. The last 3""months we got on fantastic i and even people who saw us even felt she was liking me again, she would get funny if saw me talk other girls or play fight with me like smack my bum, but stupid me after i asked her one night does she maybe like me again a little and how she felt she laughed and nodded no and said no I dont fancy or love you anymore. It crushed me. Then to add insult to injury shw said get over it already its been a year, what u waiting for my permission to date someone else so i just said u no what i dont want u because that's not love and i dont no u and i deserve better and u seem to have alot of anger with me so sort it.(then i went to bed and just said good night) Im so hurt, who is she. She shows no care or emotion and sees it hurts me but doesnt care. Shes fantastic with my kids and they Adore her. Now week later things are fine. I'm me so il be nice and talk nice. But i feel im used when she needs minding or whatever. But then other days she's all chatty about her work, famiy etc but if i mention anythin about us or how she feels she won't talk about it. It's like she has the best of both worlds as we still always around each other and Do stuff with the kids but without the relationship but It's hard for me. I dunno how much i can take ( no point me not talking to her or asking her to move yet as it will effect kids) ty

[Shock148]

Unfortunately she is having her cake and eating it too. She got over you a long time ago and doesn't care how you feel. She does not want to talk about "we" and gets annoyed because there is no "we." For the sake of the children, I understand why you have remained living together but obviously while she has moved on you have not and probably never will if you keep on with this current situation. You either have to move out (if its her place) or ask her to move out (if it's your place) in order for you to have distance from her so you can properly begin to heal. Other than it, if you don't want to because of the kids then you need to realize it's over and you need to let her know to stop being so playful with you (smacking your butt, play fight, etc.) and tell her while we live together, I would respect it if we keep our distance and just be cordial with one another. Then go out and do you or pick up a hobby or something if you start missing her. If you still love your ex and have feelings of wanting to get back together with her, you cannot be her friend. That is why we all say to NC an ex once a breakup happens. She can be friendly with you because she doesnt want to be with you nor does she look at you that way anymore. You cannot be friendly with her and hang out with her and whatnot. You need to set up some boundaries and limit your conversations and moments with her to things only pertaining to your children. Be cordial and nice once again, but don't be buddy buddy with her.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Shock148

[Shock148]

Unfortunately she is having her cake and eating it too. She got over you a long time ago and doesn't care how you feel. She does not want to talk about "we" and gets annoyed because there is no "we." For the sake of the children, I understand why you have remained living together but obviously while she has moved on you have not and probably never will if you keep on with this current situation. You either have to move out (if its her place) or ask her to move out (if it's your place) in order for you to have distance from her so you can properly begin to heal. Other than it, if you don't want to because of the kids then you need to realize it's over and you need to let her know to stop being so playful with you (smacking your butt, play fight, etc.) and tell her while we live together, I would respect it if we keep our distance and just be cordial with one another. Then go out and do you or pick up a hobby or something if you start missing her. If you still love your ex and have feelings of wanting to get back together with her, you cannot be her friend. That is why we all say to NC an ex once a breakup happens. She can be friendly with you because she doesnt want to be with you nor does she look at you that way anymore. You cannot be friendly with her and hang out with her and whatnot. You need to set up some boundaries and limit your conversations and moments with her to things only pertaining to your children. Be cordial and nice once again, but don't be buddy buddy with her.

 

Also, she won't be chasing you so you need to get that out of your head right now and move on. It's over between you two and she does not view you that way anymore and most likely never will again. Especially if you still live in the same house.

[Satu]

She won't chase you, no matter what you do.

[MrReborn]

She won't chase you, no matter what you do.

 

I agree and disagree. To the OP, if you want to show her that you're not a doormat anymore, completely boot her out of your life and never contact her again. As far as her chasing you, that will only happen if SHE wants to. If she does end up chasing you, she needs to be doing all of the pursuing. People will treat you a certain way only if you allow it. If you show her that you don't need her in your life, then she no longer sees you as a doormat. It makes her think "Wow, she doesn't really need me in her life? Maybe I was wrong about her". That's your answer for showing her that you're no longer a doormat. You shouldn't be using it as a means to get her back though. You should be using it as a means to better yourself as a person and find that next loving person in your life.

[chelseamoon]

I live with my ex still as we have kids who are close(from other relationships) and we can't afford to live separate right now. I love her but she ended it. Saying will always love me but not in love with me and don't have feelings anymore. No matter how much I fight for her or assure her I can make her happy in time she said like this. (sorry I don't want anyone right now, I hope we can be friends but I need to sort my life and fix myself, I don't want anyone right now and il feel il hurt them) that was it. I respect what she says but it's hard to be around her but I have to be nice and be around her for the kids plus I miss her if don't. it's been almost a year now and I no i have to move on but easier said than done. What do i do? It's driving me crazy. We still go places with the kids like no big deal for her.I don't wanna fight as it ruined everyone's mood, she can get on very friendly with me and talks to me about works her family etc but it's easier for her I want all that like it is but I want her also but I no its not going to change. I can't be her friend it's hard and iv told her that but if i move on or talk someone or don't show her attention or not talk much she gets bad mood. my friends think she trys to control me. Wat do I do to win her back cus if i mention it again she will hate me. Help so confusing. She knows i love her that annoys me but I can't be fake . Ps I'm also Girl

Edited October 4, 2015 by chelseamoon

[chelseamoon]

Live with my ex We are both woman. I love her but she ended it. Saying will always love like did her ex but not in love and don't have feelings anymore. No matter how much I fight for her or assure her I can make her happy in time she said like this. (sorry I don't want anyone right now, I hope we can be friends but I need to sort my life and fix myself, I don't want anyone right now and il feel il hurt them) that was it. I respect what she says but it's hard to be around her but I have to be nice and be around her for the kids(from rev relationships)plus I miss her if don't. it's been almost a year now. she can get on very friendly with me and talks to me about works her family etc but it always seems to be about her day. She only asks about me or kids if im quiet.I said to her today that we have to stop all this, go back to sharing the house except rooms(as shes in the extension of house where she stays most of the time watchin her tv and.only comes out to me to ask about kids or bills) she said she didnt wanna do that as didnt want to be around me but then I'm good enough to be around when we are out with kids or she needs me. Aggh so iv said she has to move out next week with her child. It hurts but she has dumped me, told me dont love me and makes no time for me or wont even try it for the kids and do.it and iv always still stuck by her, well no more. My child got upset asking her to stay but she showed no fight and said thats life. I dont no why she is behaving like this or so angry with me. Part me wishes I could just say go for few weeks and come back we will talk but I no it prob won't make a diff. I just hope im doing whats right for me and my kids now.hate it

Edited October 16, 2015 by chelseamoon

[Meli22]

NO you are not wrong! SHE is wrong for having the nerve to stay after telling you she's done! How selfish of her. I'm glad she's moving out, then you can start healing.

[starpower]

Your not wrong. Your doing the right thing. This is the only decision that makes sense.

[chelseamoon]

Hi all. Il try and keep this simple. I was in a lesbian rel for 3 years. We had children each from past rel. The kids have always been well loved by us and never been a problem.

She broke up with me a year ago as said i was too needy and full on. We have lived together in separate parts of house with kids and that's how we like it. The problem is she knows i still love her and have spend the last year workin on me, getting councilling for my issues from past and been super nice and been the friend she wants. Only in the last 2 months has she started to hang around me more, helping me with my kids better and been pure chatty and a lil intrested in my day. My councillor said that she has seen me back off a lil now she's comin fw a bit. She has started recently been very play fighting with me(punching each other, wrestling fun) and i catch her watching me, but here's where I may be going wrong if i send a flirt joke text like do u miss me or mention someone on TV is cute or spend time with other friends and fam, she seems to get mad or makes no effort with them, unless it's all about her and her child then shes 100per cent attention. I do alot for her ans her kid as it's my character but sometimes I feel like a door mat. How Do i fiqure out what's going on cus it's beyond frustrating and if i ask does she have feelings she gets mad. But iv asked her does she care and realise how lucky she has it with me considering she dumped me and I still stand by her and she said yes . Advice greatly appreciated on how I should be without changing me (note- the nicer I am and chatty to her the more she's around me but as soon as I get quiet, talk smeone else or do my own thing she's back to backing off and quiet, i just wish she's hint how she feels but she won't) thank u all for patients reading.

Edited February 5, 2016 by chelseamoon

[PegNosePete]

Hello,

It's pretty obvious to me how she feels. Her actions are speaking loud and clear.

 

She does not want to have a relationship with you, but she enjoys your company, enjoys getting attention and enjoys having some of the benefits of a relationship without having to actually be in one.

 

You say you feel like a doormat. Yes, this is a very accurate description. She is getting exactly what she wants: attention, compliments, her ego stroked. Whereas you're just getting more and more hurt and confused. If you want to change this situation then you will have to be the one to do it, since she is perfectly happy to carry on with the status quo. Her feelings are not going to change.

 

This living arrangement sounds like a nightmare for you. Living with an ex is always a really, really bad idea, especially when you still have feelings. If your councillor isn't telling you this then I think it's time for a new councillor because to me this is basic common sense! Living with an ex who does not reciprocate your feelings is a terrible idea!

[chelseamoon]

Thank you for your reply. Every word u say are the same things my family friends and counciler said to me. My fear is been alone and how my kids are been effect so to be honest the living together part don't bother me. It's the hoe she is so fantastic with my kids and can be nice to me but then cold other days. I feel like I try be happy and move on and she acts like a jealous girlfriend but doesnt want me. Do u think i should continue to be nice and around kids but show her less attention or what do you think would make her appreciate how much i did for her and what kind of person really loved u. I don't want her to have it so easy with me but I don't want things to go worse or change me. Thanks

[PegNosePete]

You need to stop playing these games and trying to manipulate her into changing how she feels or acts. The more you try, the more you will get hurt because she will not change. You're just hurting yourself here. She is perfectly happy with things the way they are!

 

The only one who can break the cycle is you.

[Toodaloo]

Your ex really needs to move out.

[chelseamoon]

Hi all. Il try and keep this simple. I was in a lesbian rel for 3 years. We had children each from past rel. The kids have always been well loved by us and never been a problem.

She broke up with me a year ago as said i was too needy and full on. We have lived together in separate parts of house with kids and that's how we like it. The problem is she knows i still love her and have spend the last year workin on me, getting councilling for my issues from past and been super nice and been the friend she wants. Only in the last 2 months has she started to hang around me more, helping me with my kids better and been pure chatty and a lil intrested in my day. My councillor said that she has seen me back off a lil now she's comin fw a bit. She has started recently been very play fighting with me(punching each other, wrestling fun) and i catch her watching me, texting Me alot more and stuff but here's where I may be going wrong if i send a flirt joke text like do u miss me or mention someone on TV is cute or spend time with other friends and fam, she seems to get mad or makes no effort with them, unless it's all about her and her child then shes 100per cent attention. I do alot for her ans her kid as it's my character but sometimes I feel like a door mat. How Do i fiqure out what's going on cus it's beyond frustrating and if i ask does she have feelings she gets mad. But iv asked her does she care and realise how lucky she has it with me considering she dumped me and I still stand by her and she said yes . Advice greatly appreciated on how I should be without changing me (note- the nicer I am and chatty to her the more she's around me but as soon as I get quiet, talk smeone else or do my own thing she's back to backing off and quiet, i just wish she's hint how she feels but she won't), now valentines is coming and I no she will give me something simple but if i give nothing to her I no she will be sulking and mad and i just dont get it. I'd love to make her a meal and just say hey what's the story but it's alwsys me making real effort. What should I do. thank u all for patients reading.

[d0nnivain]

She broke up with me a year ago as said i was too needy and full on. We have lived together in separate parts of house with kids and that's how we like it.

 

 

A year? You broke up a year ago but still live together? That is so unhealthy for everybody especially the kids.

 

 

Get yourself a Valentine: A new apartment.

 

 

Get all the kids something but seriously get the <bleep> out of there as soon as possible. That is the only way you will ever get over this.

[Toodaloo]

For goodness sake Chelsea.

 

1. Get your ex out of your flat!

2. Quit going on like this and get some therapy

3. Move on.

 

This has been going on for months and months and you keep getting the same advice over and over again.