Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Deal...this seems to be a running theme in lots of your posts. From the snooping thread, to the one about writing down names of all people your gf mentions to see if she really slept with 40 people, to now saying FB destroys relationships and wanting to steal her password and read her messages. This clearly is beyond Facebook, but your own distrust and insecurity in your relationship that needs addressing. Fair enough, but then it raises another question. I've never been distrusting or suspicious in past relationships, because (in general) my previous relationships were very transparent, and we never hid things from each other or behaved in a secretive or suspicious manner. Now suddenly with this partner I find myself very suspicious and her being very secretive. That makes me think that it's not some trust issue from my crappy childhood, but rather my intuition warning me that she is in fact being sneaky and dishonest. 1
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Fair enough, but then it raises another question. I've never been distrusting or suspicious in past relationships, because (in general) my previous relationships were very transparent, and we never hid things from each other or behaved in a secretive or suspicious manner. Now suddenly with this partner I find myself very suspicious and her being very secretive. That makes me think that it's not some trust issue from my crappy childhood, but rather my intuition warning me that she is in fact being sneaky and dishonest. I think it boils down to her past being a problem for you. And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you a prude or a bad person. But her past is not going to change.
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 I think it boils down to her past being a problem for you. And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you a prude or a bad person. But her past is not going to change. To me it's not an issue of her past. This is something that's happening right now. She was up all night chatting with her former FWB. That's not some retroactive jealousy bull****. That's her behavior right now. I'd bet money that already today (it's 2pm here) she's been in contact with other men. The fact that she has a sexual history with these guys is certainly a red flag, but if it was some guy she met last weekend it wouldn't be much different. Texting/chatting with other men is not the past. That's right now. The fact they have a sexual history and she cheated on her last boyfriend with some of them is very relevant.
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 To me it's not an issue of her past. This is something that's happening right now. She was up all night chatting with her former FWB. That's not some retroactive jealousy bull****. That's her behavior right now. I'd bet money that already today (it's 2pm here) she's been in contact with other men. The fact that she has a sexual history with these guys is certainly a red flag, but if it was some guy she met last weekend it wouldn't be much different. Texting/chatting with other men is not the past. That's right now. The fact they have a sexual history and she cheated on her last boyfriend with some of them is very relevant. If the two of you are in a committed relationship, can you make an agreement that there is no close friendship with any formers?
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) If the two of you are in a committed relationship, can you make an agreement that there is no close friendship with any formers? Tried that. She said I was trying to control her. "I can be friends with whoever I want and if you don't trust me then this isn't going to work" Meanwhile she's up all night on messenger chatting with a guy who she actually cheated on her last boyfriend with. I think I have a right to know what she's up to. I tell her everything. She tells me nothing. But I'm supposed to trust her? I must be blind or stupid to have let this go on so long. My intuition has been going off like a fire alarm for weeks... Edited June 17, 2015 by deadelvis
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Tried that. She said I was trying to control her. "I can be friends with whoever I want and if you don't trust me then this isn't going to work" Meanwhile she's up all night on messenger chatting with a guy who she actually cheated on her last boyfriend with. I think I have a right to know what she's up to. I tell her everything. She tells me nothing. But I'm supposed to trust her? I must be blind or stupid to have let this go on so long. My intuition has been going off like a fire alarm for weeks... You cannot force honesty. But you do not have to live with dishonesty. You can break up. It sounds like what you want is to keep her but constantly snoop on her. That isn't good for either of you 2
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 You cannot force honesty. But you do not have to live with dishonesty. You can break up. It sounds like what you want is to keep her but constantly snoop on her. That isn't good for either of you Well I feel like snooping once should be enough. Either it will be a horrible five minutes of dick pictures, sexting and betrayal, or I will immediately feel like a huge jerk for not trusting her and questioning her loyalty. But either way, once should be enough to make or break the relationship.
StanMusial Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Elvis is not dead He has just Left the Building. 3
jsp32020 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 My cousin is a cop in the NY city area suddenly dropped off of Facebook a while ago. We don't talk often, I assumed that he did it due to the safety of him and his loved ones. I caught up with him over the holidays, what he actually told me was that he responded to so many domestic calls that started over Facebook that he just went ahead and deleted his. I know a lot of guys that avoid Facebook like the plague, I myself have seen how just a few likes can cause problems. I've lived in different places growing up and thanks to Facebook I can now keep up with old childhood friends and other cool people I've met. If it weren't for that I wouldn't be on, and I try to keep a low profile on it. But as much as I mind my business and keep my profile as boring as possible, now that I'm in a committed relationship, Facebook has turned on me too a few times... 1
lana-banana Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 You're kidding yourself if you believe you'd only do it this one time. Do you think all of your trust issues are wrapped up in this one specific situation? As soon as you've done it you'll know how easy it is, and if she so much chats with another guy you'll do it again. And again. And again. Fair warning: accessing someone's account without their consent isn't just "snooping", it's hacking and it's illegal. While it's unlikely to affect your life in most cases, if you ever seek a position of public trust (cop, lawyer, anything with a security clearance, etc) you will have to admit you hacked your girlfriend's Facebook account in a desperate attempt to soothe your own insecurities. Even if that sort of career would never appeal to you, you are still crossing a significant ethical red line---you're justifying a massive invasion of privacy because it makes you feel better. It's not a good thing. 2
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 There have been many articles written and studies done on the impact of Facebook on relationships. It has even been cited by a lot of divorcing couples as one of the reasons for the divorce. It makes cheating opportunities that much more accessible, and leads to GIGS. I think one of the reasons for my recent breakup was FB, and a huge one in fact. My ex became super shady, and even went as far as to FaceTime girls he "reconnected" with via FB that he claimed were "just friends". He also told them intimate details of our relationship and badmouthed me whenever we had a fight. It created so much tension and jealousy/insecurity. The biggest problem was one of his former FWBs. She tried to break us up several times. Literally the day he broke up with me, he friended her again. I say if you have a bad feeling about her doing things like this, by all means ask her about it. I had my ex hand over his phone to me. I never looked when he was away. I didn't like to snoop. The idea is they should be comfortable handing over their phone at any given moment because there should be nothing to hide.
MissBee Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Fair enough, but then it raises another question. I've never been distrusting or suspicious in past relationships, because (in general) my previous relationships were very transparent, and we never hid things from each other or behaved in a secretive or suspicious manner. Now suddenly with this partner I find myself very suspicious and her being very secretive. That makes me think that it's not some trust issue from my crappy childhood, but rather my intuition warning me that she is in fact being sneaky and dishonest. If that's how you feel then I think you should trust your intuition and part ways because it doesn't seem like it's worth it to be with someone where you're constantly wanting to snoop, keeping tabs and are suspicious. That for me is why I don't snoop. If I even already feel suspicious, distrustful and like I need to go through your emails, phone, messages etc it already means this relationship isn't for me, as I'm not a normally jealous person so feeling that way means something is wrong with the relationship. We need to address it and fix it if possible or part ways. But staying with them and snooping around or making lists of their offenses seems like time better spent doing other things. 4
loveflower Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I stopped posting on facebook for awhile now. It turns out I don't really care what is going on in other people's life and few care about mine either. and I hate the like button, it is like a competition... and I HATE so many birthdays pops out...you could spend all your time wish people you don't really care happy birthday. so annoying... btw, how does following other people work? I have never followed other people. does the person you follow knows you follow him/her?
craw Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Nothing to do with the topic, but I think the fact people put up their relationship status WITH NAME OF PERSON is a relationship killer.
loveflower Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I saw a guy follows a woman in his facebook(his is not my facebook friend)...what does it means?
lil hoodlum Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Tried that. She said I was trying to control her. "I can be friends with whoever I want and if you don't trust me then this isn't going to work" Let me do you a favor deadelvis and translate what she is trying to tell you. "I can do whatever I want and if you don't like it then this isn't going to work" I think you are a little bit in denial my friend. I think you know that the two of you just aren't on the same page about this. You have clear boundaries about exs and FWBs and you girlfriend has very loose boundaries. Honestly you should be more upset that she would rather spend time chatting and texting her past flings instead being in the present with you. Face it man, it doesn't seem that you and your feelings on this aren't a very top priority to her. Where you go after this is up too you my friend. 2
bluegreen Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Over the past several years I've noticed facebook taking a serious toll on otherwise healthy relationships. I unfollow any attractive women from my news feed, mostly out of respect for my girlfriend, but also because I don't really need that constant barrage of bikini pics in my life. It only leads to comparison and temptation in my opinion. Just in the past week two different "former lovers" have added me on facebook and sent a series of borderline inappropriate messages about our past romance and expressing a desire to rekindle old flames. I was very respectful and declined them, then immediately showed my girlfriend the messages. But they continue to "like" everything I post, and it's seeming a bit awkward. After showing my girlfriend all this facebook stuff last night I looked over her shoulder and saw her messenger was open. A few of the most recent message threads were from guys who she has a sexual history with. I'm really tempted to wait till she forgets to log out of facebook and read through her recent messages. None of this would have been an issue ten years ago. Now it seems like facebook is causing problems in most relationships. Mine included. Facebook Provides Place Means and Oportunity BUT it's People who for lack of moral maturity respect And Integrity choose to make decision to Cheat. And Ultimately destroy their relationships... 3
Author deadelvis Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 It's a frustrating situation. If I could just take her iphone and throw it out the window we would have a perfect relationship. In real life she is amazing. Sweet, kind, honest, loyal... But on her phone and facebook she is constantly leaving flirty comments and sending texts to other guys. Most of these guys are FWB's from her past, and many live far away, so it's not like she's meeting up with them. But it still feels wrong. I don't get why she is such a perfect girlfriend in every aspect of our relationship, but she can't seem to control herself when it comes to texting and chatting with other guys. It's starting to become less of a red flag and turning into a genuine dealbreaker.
Brigit Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 It's a frustrating situation. If I could just take her iphone and throw it out the window we would have a perfect relationship. In real life she is amazing. Sweet, kind, honest, loyal... But on her phone and facebook she is constantly leaving flirty comments and sending texts to other guys. Most of these guys are FWB's from her past, and many live far away, so it's not like she's meeting up with them. But it still feels wrong. I don't get why she is such a perfect girlfriend in every aspect of our relationship, but she can't seem to control herself when it comes to texting and chatting with other guys. It's starting to become less of a red flag and turning into a genuine dealbreaker. Apparently, she's not going to stop doing this. You can either live with it or leave her. 1
Author deadelvis Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Apparently, she's not going to stop doing this. You can either live with it or leave her. I guess I just don't get it. I don't act any different on facebook than I do in real life. I found this article. 10 Things to Never Do on Facebook if You Are in a Relationship - eHarmony Advice The only thing I don't agree with in that article is number 3 about taking down photos of ex's. That seem like overkill. But otherwise I think those suggestions are spot on. If people (my GF in particular) could follow those 10 rules it would solve a lot of problems.
MissBee Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 It's a frustrating situation. If I could just take her iphone and throw it out the window we would have a perfect relationship. In real life she is amazing. Sweet, kind, honest, loyal... But on her phone and facebook she is constantly leaving flirty comments and sending texts to other guys. Most of these guys are FWB's from her past, and many live far away, so it's not like she's meeting up with them. But it still feels wrong. I don't get why she is such a perfect girlfriend in every aspect of our relationship, but she can't seem to control herself when it comes to texting and chatting with other guys. It's starting to become less of a red flag and turning into a genuine dealbreaker. Sorry, this doesn't make sense. How can a phone be the cause of the problems and not your gf??? The idea that throwing away her phone will solve the problem is backwards. I have a phone, many people have phones, and here they are, living their lives not flirting, cheating or doing anything else. Her inability to control herself is the problem, as you've pointed out, not the phone. The phone is simply the tool by which she exhibits this lack of control. But I think that's the logic that those who are for snooping and such use, they don't actually care that their partner has free will and is choosing to flirt and do other things, they instead blame the other people the partner talks to, or try to ban them from going out, or want to throw their phone away or spy on them, when it's like....ahhh....all those things are superficial and doesn't take away their character flaws. I would NEVER want to be with a man who the ONLY reason he's not flirting or cheating is because I've thrown away his cell phone, have key loggers on his computer, gave him a curfew and am watching him like a hawk. I'm not here to be a man's parent or prison warder...we're together and freely choose to be respectful of each other and guard our relationship or we don't. 3
Brigit Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I guess I just don't get it. I don't act any different on facebook than I do in real life. I found this article. 10 Things to Never Do on Facebook if You Are in a Relationship - eHarmony Advice The only thing I don't agree with in that article is number 3 about taking down photos of ex's. That seem like overkill. But otherwise I think those suggestions are spot on. If people (my GF in particular) could follow those 10 rules it would solve a lot of problems. Show her the article.
Author deadelvis Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Show her the article. I did. She sent me a bunch of screenshots (selective screenshots of course) to prove she has done nothing wrong. The conversation did seem fairly platonic. This may validate that she is adhering to rule #1 from the article, but I still feel she is violating rule #2. We got into a huge argument just now over it. I'm really upset. Maybe i should have just trusted her. Or maybe she shouldn't be chatting with her former FWB's. Either way this has been a disaster...
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I guess I just don't get it. I don't act any different on facebook than I do in real life. I found this article. 10 Things to Never Do on Facebook if You Are in a Relationship - eHarmony Advice The only thing I don't agree with in that article is number 3 about taking down photos of ex's. That seem like overkill. But otherwise I think those suggestions are spot on. If people (my GF in particular) could follow those 10 rules it would solve a lot of problems. I'm so glad you posted this article. I guess I wasn't entirely unreasonable with my FB issues and my ex. Made me feel better.
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