deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Over the past several years I've noticed facebook taking a serious toll on otherwise healthy relationships. I unfollow any attractive women from my news feed, mostly out of respect for my girlfriend, but also because I don't really need that constant barrage of bikini pics in my life. It only leads to comparison and temptation in my opinion. Just in the past week two different "former lovers" have added me on facebook and sent a series of borderline inappropriate messages about our past romance and expressing a desire to rekindle old flames. I was very respectful and declined them, then immediately showed my girlfriend the messages. But they continue to "like" everything I post, and it's seeming a bit awkward. After showing my girlfriend all this facebook stuff last night I looked over her shoulder and saw her messenger was open. A few of the most recent message threads were from guys who she has a sexual history with. I'm really tempted to wait till she forgets to log out of facebook and read through her recent messages. None of this would have been an issue ten years ago. Now it seems like facebook is causing problems in most relationships. Mine included. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Stop blaming facebook. It may have opened up greater avenues to stray but it can't break a healthy, respectful relationship. You chose to accept the adds from these past flames, but why did you not delete them as soon as they started acting disrespectfully towards your relationship? Why keep them unblocked so they can continue to message you, perhaps an ego boost? If it wasn't facebook you'd be looking for that boost elsewhere. I am very active on facebook, you could trawl through my entire past year and a half of messages since I've been in a relationship and you wouldn't find one thing that was remotely inappropriate, flirtatious or unfaithful. If in that time a guy who I thought was a friend has ever started to be inappropriate (and it has happened) I've told them where to go and blocked and deleted them straight away, and told my boyfriend about it. Most recent I can recall is a guy I thought was a good friend, he started messaging outta nowhere talking about fantasizing about kissing me and my soft lips and blah blah, I told him I was in a happy relationship and he should show a little more respect to his wife, blocked him and sent screenshots of the messages to his wife to let her know what's been going on because a) she deserves to know if he's trying to play about behind her back and b) I really liked that woman and didn't want her to think I had any part in it. A person with integrity will not stray or be inappropriate whether the option is easily available there via facebook or not. If you and your gf are both engaging with other people who are making their sexual interest clear, why are you actually together? 13
No Limit Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 The difference is that a decade ago if former lovers had wanted to contact you, they would have knocked right at your door with a cheap bottle of wine in hand and who knows maybe you would have cheated on your GF already. Same counts for your GF, if her old flames had shown up at her door the chance for her to get weak is greater. Why unfollow attractive women? These are pictures you see from a woman who didn't even direct them to you but for a whole audience. If you are ever involved with a GF that's so insecure she can't stand it, run run run. And "old flames" messaging you? Work on your boundaries - as soon as they write inappropriate stuff you deny them (don't be afraid of being rude btw, these kind of people rarely get the message when you're polite) and remove them from your friendlist because it's quite obvious they aren't friends, they're just messaging you to satisfy their ego. DIfferent rules for girls - if they message you, they want to have sex with you, not "let's be buddies again".
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Actually...PEOPLE are the destroyers of relationships. Facebook is just a recent tool in a long line of many tools throughout history. 10
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 I'm pretty tech savvy. I am considering stealing her facebook password so I can check out her messages. I know this is a dark road to head down, and even if I find "red flags" I will never be able to confront her without revealing my source. I know I should just trust her, but this comes back to the "snooping..." thread from a few days ago. I can't decide if I should do it or not. I would only read the recent messages from men I deem "suspect" so I can get a better idea of her relationship with these former f-buddies. I know she isn't a cheater, but I have suspicions what her relationships with her male friends aren't completely innocent (flirting, etc.) I realize this might be pandora's box, but if she's not actually being inappropriate in her conversations with these guys it would be a huge relief and it would actually allow me to trust her and put my suspicions to rest.
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 A person with integrity will not stray or be inappropriate whether the option is easily available there via facebook or not. If you and your gf are both engaging with other people who are making their sexual interest clear, why are you actually together? Because I have some trust issues. Here's why... 1. She cheated on her last long term boyfriend repeatedly. 2. She maintains "friendships" with a lot of her former FWB's and is very secretive about those "friendships", refusing to disclose which friends were former sexual partners etc. 3. The two former sex partners of mine who recently "reached out to me" are both in relationships. One is recently married. I immediately informed my GF about them "reaching out" and ceased any contact with them (transparency!!) however less than five minutes later I glanced at her computer screen and saw a bunch of recent messages from her former lovers. She never mentioned anything about that to me (transparency??) I'm done with wondering about this woman and her former FWB's. Five minutes on her facebook messenger could either prove or disprove my suspicions and save me from getting betrayed down the road, or at least shed some light on her "secretive friendships". I'm sick of "phishing" for information and getting the "firewall". She refuses to be transparent with me and at this point I don't see much other option.
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 If you have reason to doubt her (and frankly, I would not date a guy who had repeatedly cheated on an ex... once is bad enough, repeated shows the sort of character that puts getting their sexual kicks about commitment to a partner) and she won't be transparent, the relationship is dead whether you find something or not. 1
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 I like to think people can change. Her previous relationship had a lot of sexual issues which I struggle to wrap my head around. Her explanation of cheating seems valid (at least in her mind). I want to believe she is trustworthy and loyal. As far as her lack of transparency, she was really transparent in the beginning but as she revealed things about her history I became increasingly questioning and suspicious of the "friendships" she maintains with former FWB's. Now her past sex life is "not open for conversation" and this includes disclosing information about former FWB's, or even telling me about their current conversations... It's a viscous cycle... I don't trust her because she can't be transparent about her "friendships" and she won't be transparent because she feels I should trust her. But five minutes of snooping could put this all to rest.
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm pretty tech savvy. I am considering stealing her facebook password so I can check out her messages. I know this is a dark road to head down, and even if I find "red flags" I will never be able to confront her without revealing my source. I know I should just trust her, but this comes back to the "snooping..." thread from a few days ago. I can't decide if I should do it or not. I would only read the recent messages from men I deem "suspect" so I can get a better idea of her relationship with these former f-buddies. I know she isn't a cheater, but I have suspicions what her relationships with her male friends aren't completely innocent (flirting, etc.) I realize this might be pandora's box, but if she's not actually being inappropriate in her conversations with these guys it would be a huge relief and it would actually allow me to trust her and put my suspicions to rest. This is truly pathetic. Does she know how you really feel about her? 1
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 This is truly pathetic. Does she know how you really feel about her? She knows I have a hard time trusting her, and that I find it inappropriate for her to maintain "friendships" with her former FWB's. She also knows that I think she should be more straightforward/transparent about her friendships with these men. Yet she continues to be very secretive. And I'm tired of asking her about the nature of those friendships. She refuses to tell me anything and it turns into a fight every time. I care about her a lot. I really love her. But given her history of cheating on boyfriends and her secretive "friendships" with her former lovers (some of them are actually the same men she cheated on her last boyfriend with) I feel I deserve to know more than she is telling me. If she won't share that information with me willingly then I might resort to other methods.
twoneighty Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Because I have some trust issues. Here's why... 1. She cheated on her last long term boyfriend repeatedly. 2. She maintains "friendships" with a lot of her former FWB's and is very secretive about those "friendships", refusing to disclose which friends were former sexual partners etc. 3. The two former sex partners of mine who recently "reached out to me" are both in relationships. One is recently married. I immediately informed my GF about them "reaching out" and ceased any contact with them (transparency!!) however less than five minutes later I glanced at her computer screen and saw a bunch of recent messages from her former lovers. She never mentioned anything about that to me (transparency??) I'm done with wondering about this woman and her former FWB's. Five minutes on her facebook messenger could either prove or disprove my suspicions and save me from getting betrayed down the road, or at least shed some light on her "secretive friendships". I'm sick of "phishing" for information and getting the "firewall". She refuses to be transparent with me and at this point I don't see much other option. I hate to say it man but your relationship is not a healthy one. It's not obvious to you because you're in it. When I started dating my girlfriend we both agreed that we would never be in contact with anyone we had been with sexually. This was mutual and no one was forced to do anything. It's not fair to either person and honestly there is absolutely no reason for it. I ended up deleting my FB at some point because I outgrew it and she followed suit on her own volition a few months later. She tells me every time she had received a text from someone from her past and she has simply ignored them all. I witnessed her be in a relationship prior to ours where she was cheated on while she remained a faithful emotionally abused girlfriend. A couple of years after they ended it we started talking and out of nowhere we just couldn't stop talking. We became best friends for almost a year until I told her I couldn't take it anymore and we've been together for 5 years now. Before her I had assumed I would never be in a relationship because every woman I had met was like the description of your girlfriend. I understand your desire to snoop. I'm a huge advocate of privacy but in this case I say do it. BUT whether you find out she is cheating or not, you must tell her that you did it. You have trust issues to work on and she needs to know you snooped. My suspicions and stereotyping of certain woman tell me that she is in fact flirting with these men, and if not more than that already then it won't be long until she does. Hopefully you find something so that it ends this for you sooner than later. Life is too short to live it with useless people. You should always find out if the person you're dating has ever cheated and don't be a sucker and assume they will change if you find out they have cheated in the past. The most is they'll be faithful for a while until they get bored and the urge overpowers the consequences of getting caught. And trust me, the consequences in their eyes do not take your feelings into consideration, they won't feel guilty, just crappy they got caught and have to do deal with you. Once someone proves they are capable of doing something horrific you should know that in the future the best they'll be able to do is constantly fight the urge to do it again. They'll never lose the capability of doing it entirely. I never fight the urge to cheat because I could never ever do that to someone. I'm so lucky it hasn't happened to me but I was so goddamn careful in choosing my partner. Also, on a side note, your phishing/firewall joke made me cringe, no offense. Why would you use tech terminology for an analogy you know most people won't get? I hate it when techies do this. Like the guy that tells everyone that pisses him off that he is going to "root" them when they know that 99% of people have no idea what *nix is. This is why techies have been labeled dorks for so many years. Also, I hope you're writing that PWS/keylogger yourself and not being no scriptkid 1
RedRobin Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Maybe you two are just not on the same page in terms of your current values? You've learned a lot about yourself in this process and things have changed. Even if you snoop now, another incident will arise, and you'll want to snoop then too. Maybe neither one of you are wrong or right... You just don't see eye to eye on where to draw the line on past lovers and FWB. 1
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 It might be unlikely, but what if i hack her facebook and see that she has in fact been innocent of any wrong doing? That would be amazing, and it would basically resolve my trust issues instantly. But I'm not getting my hopes up...
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 She knows I have a hard time trusting her, and that I find it inappropriate for her to maintain "friendships" with her former FWB's. She also knows that I think she should be more straightforward/transparent about her friendships with these men. Yet she continues to be very secretive. And I'm tired of asking her about the nature of those friendships. She refuses to tell me anything and it turns into a fight every time. I care about her a lot. I really love her. But given her history of cheating on boyfriends and her secretive "friendships" with her former lovers (some of them are actually the same men she cheated on her last boyfriend with) I feel I deserve to know more than she is telling me. If she won't share that information with me willingly then I might resort to other methods. In your original post you said YOUR former lovers "added" you on FB. First of all, you have to confirm the friendship request, so you ALLOWED them to add you. If they are still liking your posts, that means they are still your friends. If you were that offended, you could have defriended them. Not buying your righteous indignation. 3
pteromom Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm pretty tech savvy. I am considering stealing her facebook password so I can check out her messages. WTF, dude? You have some issues. And I say that in the most caring way. You are bound and determined to destroy this relationship one way or another. I know this is a dark road to head down, and even if I find "red flags" I will never be able to confront her without revealing my source. I know I should just trust her, but this comes back to the "snooping..." thread from a few days ago. I can't decide if I should do it or not. I would only read the recent messages from men I deem "suspect" so I can get a better idea of her relationship with these former f-buddies. I know she isn't a cheater, but I have suspicions what her relationships with her male friends aren't completely innocent (flirting, etc.) I realize this might be pandora's box, but if she's not actually being inappropriate in her conversations with these guys it would be a huge relief and it would actually allow me to trust her and put my suspicions to rest. No it wouldn't. It would be a temporary fix. Then you would start wondering and worrying about whether she lied about her past again. Or - more likely - you would find something "gray area" - not REALLY bad, but enough to make you wonder if there is more to it than what you see, and it would give you something NEW to worry about. Your only relief comes from within you. You have to be able to let go and just know that you will be ok no matter what SHE does, or no matter what you find out about her. That you will make the best decision for you if she does something to hurt you. Trust in THAT - and your fear of trusting her doesn't matter as much. 2
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 In your original post you said YOUR former lovers "added" you on FB. First of all, you have to confirm the friendship request, so you ALLOWED them to add you. If they are still liking your posts, that means they are still your friends. If you were that offended, you could have defriended them. Not buying your righteous indignation. I told my girlfriend when I received the friend requests and asked her opinion. She said it was ok to accept the friend requests. I also showed her the messages they sent me and we agreed that I should just stop responding to the messages. I unfollowed them on my own, but my girlfriend agrees that it's unnecessary to block or unfriend them, and just ignoring them is the best solution. Meanwhile she stays up late chatting with her former FWB's and never discloses any information about it. She was up really late the night before last, several hours after I fell asleep. The next morning when she checked her messages I noticed one of her former FWB's had sent her a message saying "sorry I stop responding, I passed out"...
Art_Critic Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 How would you go about stealing her password ? a key logger might be found by anti malware or anti virus and FB always sends the user an email if you enter your password wrong and even if the device is new to that account.. I think... Maybe you would be better off hashing this out with her and if she doesn't give you the kind of transparency you are looking for then let her go and go find another GF you can trust... Trust is a 2-way street and if she is doing something that tweaks your baggage nobody says you are the only one in the wrong...
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 No it wouldn't. It would be a temporary fix. Then you would start wondering and worrying about whether she lied about her past again. Or - more likely - you would find something "gray area" - not REALLY bad, but enough to make you wonder if there is more to it than what you see, and it would give you something NEW to worry about. Throughout our conversations this week regarding my former lovers "reaching out" via facebook, I was very clear about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate conversations. I showed her the messages and explained how those messages are clearly outside the realm of acceptable conversation, and she agreed that it was very inappropriate. I also explained that there are other women from my past who occasionally contact me or I bump into in public. I showed her examples of those types of conversations (hows work? hows life? heard you got engaged. congrats on the new baby, etc.) and we agreed that those types of conversation are appropriate. She was in complete agreement about the boundaries between appropriate and inappropriate conversation. Now I'd like to check and see which category her conversations fall into.
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 How would you go about stealing her password ? a key logger might be found by anti malware or anti virus and FB always sends the user an email if you enter your password wrong and even if the device is new to that account.. I think... Maybe you would be better off hashing this out with her and if she doesn't give you the kind of transparency you are looking for then let her go and go find another GF you can trust... Trust is a 2-way street and if she is doing something that tweaks your baggage nobody says you are the only one in the wrong... It's actually really easy. I have access to her computer for a few minutes at a time when we are watching movies and she goes to the bathroom. Google Chrome >settings>advanced settings>passwords and forms>manage passwords>show password super easy. a child could do it.
MissBee Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Over the past several years I've noticed facebook taking a serious toll on otherwise healthy relationships. I unfollow any attractive women from my news feed, mostly out of respect for my girlfriend, but also because I don't really need that constant barrage of bikini pics in my life. It only leads to comparison and temptation in my opinion. Just in the past week two different "former lovers" have added me on facebook and sent a series of borderline inappropriate messages about our past romance and expressing a desire to rekindle old flames. I was very respectful and declined them, then immediately showed my girlfriend the messages. But they continue to "like" everything I post, and it's seeming a bit awkward. After showing my girlfriend all this facebook stuff last night I looked over her shoulder and saw her messenger was open. A few of the most recent message threads were from guys who she has a sexual history with. I'm really tempted to wait till she forgets to log out of facebook and read through her recent messages. None of this would have been an issue ten years ago. Now it seems like facebook is causing problems in most relationships. Mine included. This isn't because of FB. FB is a platform and people can choose how they use it. FB has never caused any problems in my relationships. One response I'd do differently from you for example is, if I added an old lover and they started sending inappropriate messages and I'm in a relationship I'd unfriend them. Pretty simple. You however, didn't choose that. That's not FB's fault, that's your choice of actions. See? FB exists as a neutral thing and different people can choose different reactions and responses within the FB world that reflect their personal values and boundaries...they don't just become possessed by the FB demon that forces them to do things they otherwise wouldn't. Facebook doesn't compel people to behave in particular ways...it only allows those who are predisposed to certain behaviors a venue for doing particular things. All people don't use FB in the same way. People tend to use FB in a way consistent with their personalities and predispositions. For example, folks who detail everything about their relationship on FB, fight on FB, put pictures of themselves in states of undress etc...this isn't them being possessed by FB why they're doing it...it's because something about THEM makes that a desired way to use FB. Whereas other people don't do those things. It's same with FB and your relationship. I have had FB for years and the ONLY thing that was a problem was after I broke up being able to see one particular ex's updates naturally upset me...but that was post-breakup, during my relationships FB doesn't have any negative effect whatsoever. I don't message other men and flirt on FB, I don't put up pictures of myself in bikinis, I don't put any of my personal intimate relationship stuff on FB and none of the guys I've been with have done that either. That's purely a personal and personality based thing and not that once you sign up for FB you automatically become someone who is tempted to do all kinds of things. It's like people saying smart phones, the internet, text messaging, airplanes, the inventions of cars, etc. have a negative effect on relationships. No. These things are all neutral. People however can choose to use these media and technologies in whatever way they choose. I would only agree that maybe now FB makes it easier for those already predisposed to cheating to find a quick and easy pool of possible participants, however that is not the same as it making people who weren't of that mind to become of that mind. Edited June 17, 2015 by MissBee 2
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I told my girlfriend when I received the friend requests and asked her opinion. She said it was ok to accept the friend requests. I also showed her the messages they sent me and we agreed that I should just stop responding to the messages. I unfollowed them on my own, but my girlfriend agrees that it's unnecessary to block or unfriend them, and just ignoring them is the best solution. Meanwhile she stays up late chatting with her former FWB's and never discloses any information about it. She was up really late the night before last, several hours after I fell asleep. The next morning when she checked her messages I noticed one of her former FWB's had sent her a message saying "sorry I stop responding, I passed out"... You are a grown man. If you wanted to stop getting likes from these women you could unfriend them no matter what your girlfriend thought. You are keeping them around because you like the likes. You need to cut this poor girl loose. 2
endlessabyss Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Sounds like you're a pimp, brah. Keep all your exes liking your posts; it' will let your girlfriend know you have other options. Keep her nice and jealous, keeping her in line.
Author deadelvis Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Right. She is equally secretive with texting. It's not facebook causing this situation. However I have noticed facebook causes problems for people in many other ways. Which is why I unfollow attractive women from my feed. That seems to help a lot. That was a reply to MissBee's post btw...
MissBee Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm pretty tech savvy. I am considering stealing her facebook password so I can check out her messages. I know this is a dark road to head down, and even if I find "red flags" I will never be able to confront her without revealing my source. I know I should just trust her, but this comes back to the "snooping..." thread from a few days ago. I can't decide if I should do it or not. I would only read the recent messages from men I deem "suspect" so I can get a better idea of her relationship with these former f-buddies. I know she isn't a cheater, but I have suspicions what her relationships with her male friends aren't completely innocent (flirting, etc.) I realize this might be pandora's box, but if she's not actually being inappropriate in her conversations with these guys it would be a huge relief and it would actually allow me to trust her and put my suspicions to rest. Deal...this seems to be a running theme in lots of your posts. From the snooping thread, to the one about writing down names of all people your gf mentions to see if she really slept with 40 people, to now saying FB destroys relationships and wanting to steal her password and read her messages. This clearly is beyond Facebook, but your own distrust and insecurity in your relationship that needs addressing. 1
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