eahlswithorv85 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend and I had been together for 18 months when he split up with me. He is an 'emotionally unavailable' man with a very complex relationship with his mother which ultimately drove us apart. I knew something was wrong a few weeks before it happened so after confronting him he said he felt like he couldn't give me what I wanted (moving in, marriage kids etc) and that it didn't feel right. He said it hurt him so much as he loved me and care so deeply for me and that he had never felt this way before about anyone (I am his first serious girlfriend - we are also both in our late twenties). I let him go and have had very little contact him with him since. I knew this issue with his mum was always going to impact on our relationship. She used to tell him how jealous she was of me, that I was enjoying his company and experiencing lovely times with him (holidays, days out etc.) She made him feel like he was being 'unfaithful' to her by loving me (seriously the amount of psychology around this type of relationship is so damaging to him and ultimately to me). This isn't something i knew I could even attempt to resolve so I therefore had no choice but to wave the white flag. The other 'issue' he had was that I had talked about our having children. The problem with this is that I don't actually want children. I was deeply ashamed of this truth and didnt tell him for the followiing reasons a. he wouldnt believe me if I told him as he'd think I'd be saying it to get him back and b. my not wanting a baby is contrary to my personality and character so I found it unnatural not to want one. Also I thought the issue here is his mum not the baby thing so i didnt feel an impending need to convince him of this. Yesterday I decided to write to him and in the letter include two things. 1. My reasons and an explanation as to why i didnt want children 2. To tell him more than anything in the world i want him to move on and have a happy fulfilled life with another partner (one day). In the letter I enclosed an article which almost could have been written for us. It talks about the man controlled by his mother and the affect this has on his relationships with other women. I pulled a few examples from my experience with him and from things that he had told me about his mum - it just fit perfectly. I also made it clear in the letter my objective wasn't a plee for us to get back together however at the end I summed up my feelings which in essence where that I loved and still love him more than I can ever express. I told him he is a beautiful person and that I was eternally grateful for the time we spent together. i posted the letter so it'll be with him tomorrrow. i now want to know three things: 1. Will he respond knowing my position on children as it was such a sore point for him? 2. How will this make him feel? 3. Do we ever have a chance to get back together? Please, I really need some insight here, I'm hurting like I never would have thought possible.. Natalia Edited June 17, 2015 by natalia1985
missymisda Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 1. Will he respond knowing my position on children as he cited that to be the main reason for the breakup? 2. How will this make him feel? 3. Do we ever have a chance to get back together? Natalia 1. It's possible but you never know. He may think that's an excuse you came up with because you don't want to be with him. 2. You won't know till/if he responds. 3. What type of question is this? You just wrote him a letter trying to reinforce the idea that you don't want to be together. He is going to think it's you trying to give/receive closer.
Author eahlswithorv85 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 1. It's possible but you never know. He may think that's an excuse you came up with because you don't want to be with him. 2. You won't know till/if he responds. 3. What type of question is this? You just wrote him a letter trying to reinforce the idea that you don't want to be together. He is going to think it's you trying to give/receive closer. 1. He knows how much I want us to be together, we were planning a life together. he sent me houses, bought things for me for his flat, gave me keys. 3. I didn't say I didnt want to be together I said that the intent of the letter wasn't a plee to get him back - it was in no way suggesting we get back together. I needed to set the tone so he didnt think the purpose was to try and convince him.
missymisda Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 3. I didn't say I didnt want to be together I said that the intent of the letter wasn't a plee to get him back - it was in no way suggesting we get back together. I needed to set the tone so he didnt think the purpose was to try and convince him. Think about it from his perspective. the first thing you write is "this is not an attempt to get back together." That is the same as "i don't want to get back together" or at least it will be very easy for him to read it as such.
Author eahlswithorv85 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Jesus, I really really hope not.
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 My boyfriend and I had been together for 18 months when he split up with me. He is an 'emotionally unavailable' man with a very complex relationship with his mother which ultimately drove us apart. I knew something was wrong a few weeks before it happened so after confronting him he said he felt like he couldn't give me what I wanted (moving in, marriage kids etc) and that it didn't feel right. He said it hurt him so much as he loved me and care so deeply for me and that he had never felt this way before about anyone (I am his first serious girlfriend - we are also both in our late twenties). I let him go and have had very little contact him with him since. I knew this issue with his mum was always going to impact on our relationship. She used to tell him how jealous she was of me, that I was enjoying his company and experiencing lovely times with him (holidays, days out etc.) She made him feel like he was being 'unfaithful' to her by loving me (seriously the amount of psychology around this type of relationship is so damaging to him and ultimately to me). This isn't something i knew I could even attempt to resolve so I therefore had no choice but to wave the white flag. The other 'issue' he had was that I had talked about our having children. The problem with this is that I don't actually want children. I was deeply ashamed of this truth and didnt tell him for the followiing reasons a. he wouldnt believe me if I told him as he'd think I'd be saying it to get him back and b. my not wanting a baby is contrary to my personality and character so I found it unnatural not to want one. Also I thought the issue here is his mum not the baby thing so i didnt feel an impending need to convince him of this. Yesterday I decided to write to him and in the letter include two things. 1. My reasons and an explanation as to why i didnt want children 2. To tell him more than anything in the world i want him to move on and have a happy fulfilled life with another partner (one day). In the letter I enclosed an article which almost could have been written for us. It talks about the man controlled by his mother and the affect this has on his relationships with other women. I pulled a few examples from my experience with him and from things that he had told me about his mum - it just fit perfectly. I also made it clear in the letter my objective wasn't a plee for us to get back together however at the end I summed up my feelings which in essence where that I loved and still love him more than I can ever express. I told him he is a beautiful person and that I was eternally grateful for the time we spent together. i posted the letter so it'll be with him tomorrrow. i now want to know three things: 1. Will he respond knowing my position on children as it was such a sore point for him? 2. How will this make him feel? 3. Do we ever have a chance to get back together? Please, I really need some insight here, I'm hurting like I never would have thought possible.. Natalia 1. Probably not. He broke up with you and was 'emotionally' unavailable. I don't think you wanting/not wanting kids was the entire focal point of the breakup. It probably won't matter that much to him if there are there other reasons for the breakup. 2. Possibly annoyed/offended. That's a lot of information to be giving to an ex who you supposedly want to move on and be happy. If he has issues with his mother that are deeply rooted, you're not going to convince him of this after you've broken up. Including an article is also a bit strange. It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort towards someone you're broken up with to analyze and rationalize and explain everything. What did you expect to be the outcome of this? 3. Maybe, because no one can predict the future, but do you really want to be? Sounds like he chose his mom over you. and he's not offering you any type of commitment (marriage, moving in, etc). If you have to write a detailed letter, text or email to someone to get them to understand their issues in your relationship AFTER the relationship has ended, it's not worth it. You can talk someone into getting back with you but you can't talk someone into loving you or being the person you want them to be.
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