Why so negative?

[jap26]

So, in the process of "getting over" my recent breakup, I've been doing a lot of thinking and searching within myself.

 

I've always been raised to be a positive person - there is negativity in life, but that doesn't have to define how I act or my own person and self-worth. My ex was an extremely negative person. It's one of those things I didn't see until we broke up. He always considered himself a realist, but he always saw the bad side to things and had this chip on his shoulder when approaching the world.

 

Recently, I heard from a friend-of-a-friend that my ex is beginning to date again (as am I). She said that the latest girl he's begun seeing has incredibly high expectations and is very negative. I just shrugged when she told me this, because that doesn't surprise me, and the girl she described sounds like a perfect fit for him.

 

This leads me to this question: Why do you think that people are so negative, even when things are great? My ex and I had a great relationship when we were together - we were both happy and enjoyed each other's company, at least from what I can tell. I understand we weren't the best fit for one another, but it bothers me that someone I care about can be so negative and face the world with such a chip on their shoulder. I think it bothers me because I want him to be happy, but I know that (realistically) he may never be completely happy because he gets in his own way.

 

Any suggestions to not worry about his well-being so much, and maybe help understand why people live their lives like that?

[JewelD]

All depends on what your definition of negative is. He can't be all that negative if your relationship was great and happy. Truly negative people make other people feel like crap around them.

 

But people are a product of their environment and the people around them. Maybe he's been let down a lot in the past or prefers to expect bad things to happen so that it's not a big surprise when it does happen.

 

But none of that matters. We all have questions about why our ex's lead the wretched lives they do. But the answers are unimportant because he's a nonfactor in your life now.

 

Go NC. Tel your friends to stop talking about him and what he's doing. Besides the fact that it's all hearsay and opinion, how does it effect your life? It doesn't. But you will obsess and analyze any time you get new info. Cut him out of your life entirely, eventually you will stop caring about his well being. He's probably not all that concerned about yours. That also helps to remember.

[jap26]

All depends on what your definition of negative is. He can't be all that negative if your relationship was great and happy. Truly negative people make other people feel like crap around them.

 

But people are a product of their environment and the people around them. Maybe he's been let down a lot in the past or prefers to expect bad things to happen so that it's not a big surprise when it does happen.

 

Yeah, he has been let down before, and has told me that he expects things to go badly so he doesn't feel too upset when they actually do. He didn't make me feel like the best person I could be, but he did make me happy.

 

But none of that matters. We all have questions about why our ex's lead the wretched lives they do. But the answers are unimportant because he's a nonfactor in your life now.

 

This is so, so hard for me to understand. I still care about him because he meant something to me at one point. I just want him to be happy... but I understand that may not be in his nature.

 

Go NC. Tel your friends to stop talking about him and what he's doing. Besides the fact that it's all hearsay and opinion, how does it effect your life? It doesn't. But you will obsess and analyze any time you get new info. Cut him out of your life entirely, eventually you will stop caring about his well being. He's probably not all that concerned about yours. That also helps to remember.

 

Yeah, we are NC at the moment. I ran into this person at the store and we just caught up briefly before going our separate ways. You're right that it shouldn't affect my life... and reading the sentence "he's probably not all that concerned about yours" hurts, but I hadn't thought about it that way before. He probably isn't, at least not as much as I am. I was always the one to care more, but sometimes I forget that.

 

Thank you for your input!!

[JewelD]

I just said that last part generally. I'm not sure what happened in your breakup, but the person who was more invested in the relationship often feels they have to be superman or superwoman. Like they have to always be there for their ex and save them and want the best for them. and that's a big part of loving someone, wanting them to be happy even if it's not with you.

 

But at a certain point you just have to try to stop caring. Some people don't want to be saved. and when you need saving, they might not be there for you.

[jap26]

I just said that last part generally. I'm not sure what happened in your breakup, but the person who was more invested in the relationship often feels they have to be superman or superwoman. Like they have to always be there for their ex and save them and want the best for them. and that's a big part of loving someone, wanting them to be happy even if it's not with you.

 

But at a certain point you just have to try to stop caring. Some people don't want to be saved. and when you need saving, they might not be there for you.

 

I was definitely more invested, and always feel like I should be there for the people I care about, even if the relationship has ended. Thank you for your advice. It really helps put things into perspective.

 

Any other advice would be completely appreciated. It's nice to know I'm not on this journey within myself alone.

[peteyfeld]

Sounds like he wasn't really happy with himself. You can love someone and do everything perfectly, but no one will ever be able to delete someone elses thoughts.