peteyfeld Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 This is my first post, but I've read many others and man does it help. I'll try to keep this short, but my ex after dating 7 months and 12 weeks along broke up with me. She texted me at work saying she wasn't feeling it anymore and I've been to distant from her and her kids(has 2) Reason why I was distant is because she wanted to have an abortion which I was totally against. I specifically remember the conversation because she said,"I can't have this baby just for you." Damn, right? So I came home after work with all my stuff sitting outside. I came in and she said,"What are you doing here?" You can't talk me out of it." So I left did no contact, she asked me what the name of a song was I played for her on guitar all the time and asked if I was ok. Screwed up and told her what it was and that I'm fine. She kept trying to talk to me and I ignored, but it's twice as hard with a baby involved. We had a conversation last week texting each other. She said she wasn't ready to try to be in a relationship and that hopefully one day we can be friends. I said I'm sorry I can't do that, I know your not ready and I wish you the best. All I know is to be prepared to be a father. Just needed some insight and sorry for the bad grammar! This is also not the first time she's kicked me out.
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, can't say I blame her. It's her body and her choice. For you to be distant from her because you want her to do something with her body that she doesn't want to do is pretty selfish. Not to mention pregnant women go through all types of emotions. It's a difficult and confusing time and she certainly doesn't need any of your added stress to go along with it. She probably resents you a bit. I question how much you actually 'loved' this woman if you only dated for 7 months and you couldn't respect (or at least pretend to respect) her decision about her pregnancy. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, can't say I blame her. It's her body and her choice. For you to be distant from her because you want her to do something with her body that she doesn't want to do is pretty selfish. Not to mention pregnant women go through all types of emotions. It's a difficult and confusing time and she certainly doesn't need any of your added stress to go along with it. She probably resents you a bit. I question how much you actually 'loved' this woman if you only dated for 7 months and you couldn't respect (or at least pretend to respect) her decision about her pregnancy. The OP's entitled to his feelings about it. No, he can't and shouldn't try to stop her, but it's his kid and it's a big deal. The relationship's done, not much question about that. My question concerns her being 12 weeks along. Is she still getting the abortion? Why is she waiting so long? Clock's ticking on her legal ability to get an abortion. 4
central Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 If she has the child, do insist on a paternity test. It MAY not be yours, and that is possibly one reason why she didn't want to have it. 2
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 The OP's entitled to his feelings about it. No, he can't and shouldn't try to stop her, but it's his kid and it's a big deal. The relationship's done, not much question about that. My question concerns her being 12 weeks along. Is she still getting the abortion? Why is she waiting so long? Clock's ticking on her legal ability to get an abortion. Is he not asking for advice??? He can feel any type of way he wants to feel, but what he needs is to hear the truth. And yes, ignoring a pregnant woman because she doesn't want to do what you want her to do is a dick move and that's probably why he got the response he did. Doesn't matter how a man feels about a woman's body, it's HER choice. and ignoring her is not going to change her mind.
Keenly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, can't say I blame her. It's her body and her choice. For you to be distant from her because you want her to do something with her body that she doesn't want to do is pretty selfish. Not to mention pregnant women go through all types of emotions. It's a difficult and confusing time and she certainly doesn't need any of your added stress to go along with it. She probably resents you a bit. I question how much you actually 'loved' this woman if you only dated for 7 months and you couldn't respect (or at least pretend to respect) her decision about her pregnancy. You have a choice as woman sure, but you don't get to expect the man to be okay and just roll over and accept whatever the decision she makes is, one way or the other. They are allowed to have an opinion, and a guy that wants to be a father has a right to be upset if she wants an abortion. The same goes for the opposing situation. People have a right to feel the way they feel about big moments in their lives. 5
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 You have a choice as woman sure, but you don't get to expect the man to be okay and just roll over and accept whatever the decision she makes is, one way or the other. They are allowed to have an opinion, and a guy that wants to be a father has a right to be upset if she wants an abortion. The same goes for the opposing situation. People have a right to feel the way they feel about big moments in their lives. Can you please point out where I said he shouldn't feel that way? Point is, he made it clear he didn't respect her decision. That's probably got something to do with why she kicked him out. There's some insight, which is what he asked for. You don't have to agree with what I say or what anybody says, it's an ADVICE message board. smfh
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Can you please point out where I said he shouldn't feel that way? Point is, he made it clear he didn't respect her decision. That's probably got something to do with why she kicked him out. There's some insight, which is what he asked for. You don't have to agree with what I say or what anybody says, it's an ADVICE message board. smfh Shake your f*cking head all you want, but just because it's an ADVICE board doesn't obligate me to agree with all of your perceptions. Yes, if he was distancing himself from her that's a perfectly legitimate reason to break up, and I don't see how their views on this abortion could possibly be reconciled anyways. But to the extent you're chastising the OP for not being okay and on board with her decision, which you certainly seem to convey, I think you're dead wrong. 1
Author peteyfeld Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 From what she says now she's not getting one and of course I'm gonna be there for her along the way for whatever she needs, but it was just a shock that when I told her the reason I'm down was because of the possibility of an abortion that she didn't want to work through it. Just seemed like it's only my child if she wanted to keep it. Not here to argue just looking for some perspective.
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Shake your f*cking head all you want, but just because it's an ADVICE board doesn't obligate me to agree with all of your perceptions. Yes, if he was distancing himself from her that's a perfectly legitimate reason to break up, and I don't see how their views on this abortion could possibly be reconciled anyways. But to the extent you're chastising the OP for not being okay and on board with her decision, which you certainly seem to convey, I think you're dead wrong. Wow, you're pretty hype over a situation that's not even YOURS. If the OP doesn't agree, fine, but are you his body guard? I can say what I want. I never said he was wrong for not wanting her to get an abortion, but yes, he is wrong for deciding to freeze out a pregnant woman. If he wanted her to change her mind, that's certainly not going to do it. and if she's having an abortion, he should still be there for her. She didn't get herself pregnant. And since he's on here discussing getting kicked out, well, that's obviously why. He doesn't need to be on board with anything, RESPECT is the key word. At least that's how you treat someone if you love them.
darkmoon Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) so you are going to take turns with nights feeds, smelly nappy changes and teething upsets? three things that are awful i know some men are quite mushy, but some have no idea how much work a baby is, i do not think you and mom have talked about these things, turns, not just being on the fringes for the fun that kids are, thouigh being called da-da for the first time is miraculous, as are baby's first steps Edited June 17, 2015 by darkmoon
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 From what she says now she's not getting one and of course I'm gonna be there for her along the way for whatever she needs, but it was just a shock that when I told her the reason I'm down was because of the possibility of an abortion that she didn't want to work through it. Just seemed like it's only my child if she wanted to keep it. Not here to argue just looking for some perspective. Yeah, sorry for getting distracted with another poster. The fact is, seven months isn't that long; barely enough time to get to know each other. And who knows, this pregnancy business may have just precipitated a break up that was bound to happen anyways. Or maybe she was churned up by being pregnant and made a hasty decision to break up that she may regret down the road. You'll find out in time. Just be there for your kid (although the advise about confirming paternity is probably well-taken).
Fleur de cactus Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I really hate this idea that it is a woman body she can do what she wants when it involves a baby and a father who wants a child. So what does she wants from this relationship? I have my kids but you, you cannot have a kid with me? Maybe blaming you as being distant is an excuse to have an abortion. Who knows if she does want to get a rid of the baby because she knows it is not yours? She never thought that she could be pregnant? Why she did not think if birth control if she did not want to get pregnant? If it is me the relationship will be over. I would not stay with a woman who killed my child, just because it is her right to do so.
amaysngrace Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Pregnant women can be hormonal and irrational. If you truly care about her try to understand that sometimes they need a whole lot of security rather than somebody who acts like they don't give a crap about them. That baby is on their mind 24/7. It's different than how a man processes a pregnancy when there's a bunch of uncertainty.
Author peteyfeld Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Well she's not pregnant anymore so that would be that. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Told her if she needed anything I'm here. To the women that defend abortioon, I hope you never have to go through this. Thanks for all the replies. 1
Eighty_nine Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, can't say I blame her. It's her body and her choice. For you to be distant from her because you want her to do something with her body that she doesn't want to do is pretty selfish. Not to mention pregnant women go through all types of emotions. It's a difficult and confusing time and she certainly doesn't need any of your added stress to go along with it. She probably resents you a bit. I question how much you actually 'loved' this woman if you only dated for 7 months and you couldn't respect (or at least pretend to respect) her decision about her pregnancy. WTF? Where does he state that he doesn't respect her choice-- having an opinion about it is 'disrespectful'? you're way too gung-ho about this being 'her choice'- obviously, it's 100% her choice but sometimes people in loving committed relationships will also be mindful of their partners feelings. If he was trying to threaten or coerce her into keeping it, or stating he would leave if she didn't, those things would be VERY disrespectful, but feeling sad about it is not. If i was in that position (which would be impossible cause I'm a woman, haha) it would be hard for me too. 4
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well she's not pregnant anymore so that would be that. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Told her if she needed anything I'm here. To the women that defend abortioon, I hope you never have to go through this. Thanks for all the replies. Wait a minute. Just an hour and a half ago you said she wasn't going to get an abortion after all. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sorry for your loss.
lauri Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 To be honest with you man, something doesn't make sense here. There is some major flags in her actions, regardless of her being pregnant or not. I think this breakup goes way beyond the abortion. She may have wanted to end things with the OP before she got pregnant and just didn't have the courage to. Perhaps, she doesn't want to / doesn't see a long term future with him either. Or worst case scenario, there is another guy who is potentially the father and she is trying to get that guy to commit to her / is on the brink of being with him. Regardless of the reasoning, it doesn't matter. You need to move on for yourself and never look back. I wish you all the best and im sorry for your loss. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well she's not pregnant anymore so that would be that. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Told her if she needed anything I'm here. To the women that defend abortioon, I hope you never have to go through this. Thanks for all the replies. So did she miscarry? Or she suddenly got an abortion? I don't understand what happened.
minime13 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well, this is a tough situation, and I'm really sorry to hear how all this went down. The reality is, though, that she probably did not want to have another child without any certainty of your future together. I don't know the story behind the father (or fathers) of her other two children, but having a third child with a man she's only dated for 7 months was probably too much for her to bear. Likely case is that she wanted to terminate, you didn't, and she broke up with you because she was not going to be single mother to yet another child. Honestly, if you both had such a split feeling of this pregnancy, this was doomed anyway. She said she couldn't have a child just for you, and you did not seem to want her to get an abortion. So, she did the best for herself, broke up with you, and terminated the pregnancy. It's hard to be completely mad at her, because single mom of three kids is hardly a hat anyone would want to wear. That is what she'd essentially agree to. Your stance is understandable, too. Just sad. In the future, just try to be more responsible so accidental pregnancies don't occur. Relationships are tough enough without adding something like this to it.
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 WTF? Where does he state that he doesn't respect her choice-- having an opinion about it is 'disrespectful'? you're way too gung-ho about this being 'her choice'- obviously, it's 100% her choice but sometimes people in loving committed relationships will also be mindful of their partners feelings. If he was trying to threaten or coerce her into keeping it, or stating he would leave if she didn't, those things would be VERY disrespectful, but feeling sad about it is not. If i was in that position (which would be impossible cause I'm a woman, haha) it would be hard for me too. Why don't you talk to the OP? You're not changing my opinion or even understanding what I said clearly. gtfo
Radu Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Is he not asking for advice??? He can feel any type of way he wants to feel, but what he needs is to hear the truth. And yes, ignoring a pregnant woman because she doesn't want to do what you want her to do is a dick move and that's probably why he got the response he did. Doesn't matter how a man feels about a woman's body, it's HER choice. and ignoring her is not going to change her mind. Legally, it is her and only her choice. Morally, you can't argue that it's just her choice and use 'selfish' to describe offering to support the baby your gf of 7 months might have. 1
Radu Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well she's not pregnant anymore so that would be that. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Told her if she needed anything I'm here. To the women that defend abortioon, I hope you never have to go through this. Thanks for all the replies. Look, just because you can pop one out doesn't make them a miracle, and doesn't make them special ... mammals have been popping them out for millions of yrs on this planet and will continue to do so. Read back on this situation and analyze it cold. She has 2 kids, single, and her bf of 7 months got her knocked up not even half a yr in the relationship. You did not say what ages her other kids are, or who their father(s) is(are). But i can take a guess. It's either limited resources and **** life for 3, or better life for 2 ... life is not all angel farts and unicorns; the pragmatism of the situation probably guided her decision.
JewelD Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Legally, it is her and only her choice. Morally, you can't argue that it's just her choice and use 'selfish' to describe offering to support the baby your gf of 7 months might have. Legally and morally it is still her choice since she's the one who would be carrying the baby for 9 months, risking her own life, possible issues keeping/finding a job to support herself and her other children. When I said 'selfish', I meant by him purposely being distant with her because he didn't agree with her decision. Pregnant women generally need some type of emotional support, doesn't mean he has to agree with her decision.
Radu Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Kinda hard to emotionally support someone who is ripping parenthood from you. Especially since the OP thought it was a good idea to have a baby in a bf/gf situation where they were together for just some months, this means he was emotionally invested heavily.
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