Versacehottie Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 It's important to have periodic relationship status conversations just to check the "temperature" of a relationship. People start operating on auto-pilot and the communication drops off and the parties start sublimating things and that's when issues build up, feelings that there is secrecy, etc. and feelings about the relationship are changing slowly. Doing this allows you to tap into things before they become unmanageable. Pre-empting the relationship from falling apart and refreshing that flame before it dies out. Conversations like these done in a supportive, casual, non-confrontational way sparks things again and keeps the line of communication open. Oftentimes, one party is feeling so good about the relationship, maybe noticing that it's a little off, but still feeling good. The other party "all of a sudden" says they aren't happy or want to leave. It wasn't all of a sudden, it was happening gradually and one or both of them wasn't tuned in. I don't disagree at all. I'm talking about a just natural evolution where a guy starts calling me his gf, throws that out the first time upon introducing me, matches up with the direction things were headed for both of us and I don't object to the label. This evolution is at the beginning when perhaps some couples (a lot) have uncertainty. Not to say there are not relationship "talks" along the way. Usually guy is making a lot of statements about things he wants to do in future, big things and small things and girl feels comfortable doing the same. In essence they ARE having the relationship talk without a "formal" what are we status question. Though I do like the way yours worked out! And I think it's good to keep lines of communication open of course. Sometimes it's just more organic than a formal conversation is all I'm saying, which does not apply to OP's situation though. She had red flags and the level of contact alone was not enough to imply or presume that they were exclusive or headed to anything serious.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 In this case, it's not about the "labeling", it's just about giving the opportunity to express things that are maybe being left unsaid because they're just going thru the daily routine for so long. She could always just make an innocent comment saying "It's so refreshing that we were ultimately exclusive from our first date on and after five years I still get just as excited being around you". Bam... 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 She could always just make an innocent comment saying "It's so refreshing that we were ultimately exclusive from our first date on and after five years I still get just as excited being around you". Bam... Yep, there are a few ways to spark that kind of conversation. Approach it positively and openly and the will usually respond in kind.
SunnySide0418 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Yes, Gaeta, it was a learning experience. Next time things will definitely be done differently. We're both single parents with conflicting schedules. I was also traveling around Memorial Day, so it complicated things a bit. We couldn't always see each other, which is why things probably got burried and dragged out. And, Red, you comments are harsh and unnecessary. Finding someone's ad, with their picture, in a public form is not stalkerish. And, actually, I'm pretty independent. If anyone was needy, it was him. I heard more talk about the ex wife than I care to share. Regardless of circumstances, no one wants to get a text intended for another woman. I'm curious what the text said?
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Is it just me? I'm baffled why the folks here in what appears good relationships are now pondering the status of the situation. If you have no reason to suspect something is out of sort, should you really?
minime13 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Is it just me? I'm baffled why the folks here in what appears good relationships are now pondering the status of the situation. If you have no reason to suspect something is out of sort, should you really? I think some things on this thread have been said tongue-in-cheek. Regardless, the theme of this thread is communication is good. Just keep that in mind for the future.
Gary S Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 ^^Redhead, I really respect your opinions, so when u get a chance, could you respond to questions ^^? I am actually nervous now. Should I have the exclusive talk with him now....after five years? Just to clarify? I am serious. This thread has really got me thinking...ugh. - Redhead is a brilliant women, but let's not go off the deep end, you are okay... relax - breathe! lol
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Katie: I did expand my response and tailor it for you. I can't find the quote that Gary pulled from you but here's what I said before: Katie, remember you're not doing it because you lack confidence in him or the relationship. Or even about labeling. You're just creating the environment for him to be able to open up to you IF there is anything he thinks needs to be worked on or improved. That's all. And, don't say anything like "hey, we gotta talk :)" Segue into it casually while you're doing something together. Don't make it "formal". Make it supportive. I love the life we have together and you are wonderful. (or your "style" of wording There's nothing I would change or do differently." And, then, let him talk. And, if you feel that the communication between you two is of that much quality and openness and you don't have the sense that it's stagnated at all, you don't have to do it. Just be cognizant for the future and if that kinda thing starts happening, you'll know how to approach it. Remember, when I first put this subject out there, it was about couples who had started to operate on autopilot and communicating less, etc. Nevertheless, doing what I said above is no harm, no foul. You're expressing your happiness. He'll do the same or say "hey, I've been thinking about X, I'd like to try X or something like that. Edited June 17, 2015 by Redhead14
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well another thread I have learned loads from... Will have a talk with bf tonight....just to check the *temp* as RH said. Nothing should be assumed... He will probably chuckle....hopefully he won't get offended and think I don't trust him! Wish me luck.....this is new territory for me! Katie, remember you're not doing it because you lack confidence in him or the relationship. You're just creating the environment for him to be able to open up to you IF there is anything he thinks needs to be worked on or improved. That's all. And, don't say anything like "hey, we gotta talk :)" Segue into it casually while you're doing something together. Don't make it "formal". Make it supportive. I love the life we have together and you are wonderful. (or your "style" of wording There's nothing I would change or do differently." And, then, let him talk. Oh he KNOWS I love the life we have together.... I guess after reading this thread, I was wondering if I should actually clarify that he is happy (even though his actions tell me he is...he is always telling me he loves me, etc.) and that, since we never "formally" discussed being exclusive (except the "one at a time" talk), I should clarify that we are actually exclusive,, and that he doesn't have any secret profiles on some dating website.... He used to be somewhat of a player before we met...hence my concern after reading this thread. But fitnessfan is right.... no need fix what isn't broken. So I will let it be...but this thread has been quite enlightening nevertheless.... 1
Redhead14 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Oh he KNOWS I love the life we have together.... I guess after reading this thread, I was wondering if I should actually clarify that he is happy (even though his actions tell me he is...he is always telling me he loves me, etc.) and that, since we never "formally" discussed being exclusive (except the "one at a time" talk), I should clarify that we are actually exclusive,, and that he doesn't have any secret profiles on some dating website.... He used to be somewhat of a player before we met...hence my concern after reading this thread. But fitnessfan is right.... no need fix what isn't broken. So I will let it be...but this thread has been quite enlightening nevertheless.... Yeah, let it be. I do wonder though, you say you've never had the exclusive talk but you are 5 years into the relationship. How do YOU view or what do you call or label it as a couple if you do call it anything? Have you talked about marriage, are you working towards that?
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Yeah, let it be. I do wonder though, you say you've never had the exclusive talk but you are 5 years into the relationship. How do YOU view or what do you call or label it as a couple if you do call it anything? Have you talked about marriage, are you working towards that? Oh I usually introduce him as my "hot hunky lover"... and he introduces me as his "little sex kitten" LOL - kidding.. We are boyfriend/girlfriend all the way....yes we have discussed marriage...he has asked me to marry him a million times in fact. But in reality... he has been married twice before (me zero)...and he was super unhappy in both marriages...and knowing him as I do....he "really" does not want to get married....he just wants to know that I "would" marry him...it's an ego thing (nothing bad though - he just has a huge ego and thinks all women want to marry him...lol). It's one reason why I love him - he is SUPER confident...cocky confident, but I like it. He thinks I am like the ONLY woman in the world who won't marry him...so it's sort of a challenge for him to "get" me to agree to it...even though we BOTH really don't believe in it. We both strongly agree with "commitment from the heart" which is what we have - we don't want kids, so the way things are now works SUPER well for us.
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 Seriously, I'm trying to understand why someone in such a great relationship and so in love is reading LoveShack's dating forum. I'd like to know what went down in both of those marriages. Is that why you're concern? 1
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Seriously, I'm trying to understand why someone in such a great relationship and so in love is reading LoveShack's dating forum. I'd like to know what went down in both of those marriages. Is that why you're concern? I am here (a member of this forum) to give advice...voice my opinion and to hopefully help others in "not so great" relationships... I have been here since February giving my opinion up the ying yang... much to a few folks' chagrin I am sure.... :) I think this might be the very first time I have asked a question concerning my own relationship....may not be the last....this board is quite enlightening and even though I am here to voice my opinion and try to help others, I am learning quite a lot myself too! 1
Author egalew Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 I'm guessing he's a good deal older than you.
katiegrl Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I'm guessing he's a good deal older than you. He is 43...I am 37. Six years...not that much older. Anyhoo, this thread is not about me....it's about you and your situation. I offered my $.02.... and asked a question in the process of reading through. No biggee.... if I ever have another concern or question re my own relationship, I will start my own thread. So far have not had to do that....but one never knows. :)
kendahke Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I also couldn't help but wonder if he kept the fires going with me because of his upcoming surgery. this right here. He was grooming you to be his nurse/caretaker, but at the same time, keeping all of his options open for those who he hasn't gotten to the same point as he had with you. Regardless, no one woman, regardless of the relationship status, wants to receive a text intended for someone else.Exactly. It doesn't feel too good to read it. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Tood, you multi-date yourself. So I was surprised to see this post from you. However, it's going nothing to do with morals. It has to do with actually communicating and setting relationship expectations. I mean I know some women expect men to be mind readers. But in today's dating world, BOTH sexes multi-date and you need to establish where both people stand. I mean she basically says "I want a commitment but am scared to talk to him about it. So I'll just keep it to myself and hope that he picks up on it". I am sorry but that is BS in my opinion. Plus, it is possible to date multiple people and not have multiple sex partners. As you know, I multi-date as well. But I keep all dates in public and don't have sex until it's with the one woman I want to solely focus on. So not everyone who multi-dates is out shagging everyone they meet. Just saying.. The difference is that as soon as any thing even remotely physical happens that would suggest going further, (a proper snog, any form of groping etc) the rest are removed from the scene. The only exception to this has been No 2 as he was known but then that was a peck on the lips and I have had more romantic gestures from friends than that - turns out I was also right as he wasn't all that bothered... There just comes a point where good old fashioned common sense and decency comes into play and this chap ignored all of it. I find it very sad that in this day and age people like you and I have to have a conversation to ensure that we are not cheated on. Is this really what the world has come to? Are we all really that shameful that we can blame others for "not checking" to condone our bad behavior? 2
Author egalew Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 FROM Toodaloo There just comes a point where good old fashioned common sense and decency comes into play and this chap ignored all of it. I find it very sad that in this day and age people like you and I have to have a conversation to ensure that we are not cheated on. Is this really what the world has come to? Are we all really that shameful that we can blame others for "not checking" to condone our bad behavior The above is from Toodaloo. (Don't know how to highlight it.) Thanks, Toodaloo. I feel the same way. Obviously, he knew he misteped or he wouldn't have gotten so defensive and arrogant. When I bought up his ad, he wouldn't have said, "What ad? What are you talking about?"
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Hey Gaeta - What happened with your current flame that made him so clear on what he wanted? I agree with all his demands. Talking / meeting ex's, old flames, etc. isn't good. Sorry I missed that question. That was a flame from a month ago. He let me go because of a medical condition I have :-( Among the numerous men I met since the beginning of the year he's the one I still think about. A man that knows exactly what he wants and spells it out is a rarity. What made him be that way is just that he was fed up of meeting flakes and half-hearted women.
Author egalew Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Sorry to hear that. How long did you date? Last boyfriend I had, who I broke up with in December, was too very direct about the relationship. I knew exactly where I stood from day one. It's actually refreshing to be with someone so direct and know what they want.
kendahke Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Obviously, he knew he misteped or he wouldn't have gotten so defensive and arrogant. The guilty make the most noise. When I bought up his ad, he wouldn't have said, "What ad? What are you talking about?" gaslighting you, too... what a gem he was...
SycamoreCircle Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I find it very sad that in this day and age people like you and I have to have a conversation to ensure that we are not cheated on. Is this really what the world has come to? No, it's not what the world is coming to. I'm extending my hand. Take it and step off your woe-is-me palette. You're involving yourself with the wrong kind of men. Immature men. Why are you involving yourself with immature men? Are you scared to be with a square? I suspect you're attracted to men with bright, outstanding qualities. Flair. Am I wrong?
empresario Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Oh I usually introduce him as my "hot hunky lover"... and he introduces me as his "little sex kitten" LOL - kidding.. We are boyfriend/girlfriend all the way....yes we have discussed marriage...he has asked me to marry him a million times in fact. But in reality... he has been married twice before (me zero)...and he was super unhappy in both marriages...and knowing him as I do....he "really" does not want to get married....he just wants to know that I "would" marry him...it's an ego thing (nothing bad though - he just has a huge ego and thinks all women want to marry him...lol). It's one reason why I love him - he is SUPER confident...cocky confident, but I like it. He thinks I am like the ONLY woman in the world who won't marry him...so it's sort of a challenge for him to "get" me to agree to it...even though we BOTH really don't believe in it. We both strongly agree with "commitment from the heart" which is what we have - we don't want kids, so the way things are now works SUPER well for us. Every woman says they hate an arrogant guy. But every woman is attracted to it. That is one of the sociological phenomenon I still don't get. I've been told I'm 'cocky to the borderline of egotism' and that in a way it's charming. OK? Well, the benefit of being extremely confident is I don't care if you find it egotistical or charming, haha. It's just stating facts. Success breeds confidence. It's only negatively perceived if you can't back it up.
katiegrl Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 *Every woman says they hate an arrogant guy. But every woman is attracted to it. That is one of the sociological phenomenon I still don't get.** I've been told I'm 'cocky to the borderline of egotism' and that in a way it's charming. OK? Well, the benefit of being extremely confident is I don't care if you find it egotistical or charming, haha. It's just stating facts. Success breeds confidence. It's only negatively perceived if you can't back it up. LOL You here me complaining about my bf being cocky confident....a bit arrogant? I said it's one of the things I love about him...hey I am a bit cocky myself! :bunny: The relationship works for US...we are perfectly aligned. However, I do hear ya about some women complaining.... then turning around and getting involved with the guy. A mixed message for sure. Not me, I am honest about it....I get a kick out of it actually, we have a lot of fun bantering back and forth etc. We also give each other tons of space...which may not work for other couples but works for us... So far, so good anyway.
Toodaloo Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 No, it's not what the world is coming to. I'm extending my hand. Take it and step off your woe-is-me palette. You're involving yourself with the wrong kind of men. Immature men. Why are you involving yourself with immature men? Are you scared to be with a square? I suspect you're attracted to men with bright, outstanding qualities. Flair. Am I wrong? Actually SC, the most mature man I have spoken to in a long while is also the youngest... I am hopefully meeting him this weekend. He is nothing like any of the others I have spoken to. Yes he has flair and is bright but what has really got me hankering for him is that he is so damn stable with it. He is rock solid, knows exactly what he wants, blunt, forthright and honest. He is actually making me feel good about myself with out going over board or pushing in any way. I am not woe is me. I am just not accepting that this is what it has come to. After that amount of time this poor girl has a right to believe that she deserves more than to be an after thought. 1
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